Help - hubby cheating. Quick advice needed

[Improperlyhappy]

Crikey, my hands are shaking typing this. Can't quite believe it, but I've just seen dirty texts from hubby to a random woman where they're planning to meet up for sex this weekend (while he is away with pals on golf weekend...) - she has even sent underwear pics. It's quite graphic, and I'm just gobsmacked.

We have DS7 and DS4 and sex life been erratic, then non existent for about 9-10 months. And he's been working out at gym & buying new clothes recently. I can't believe I haven't seen it coming tbh.

My question is - what do I do? Do I confront him when he gets home? Do I see if he actually goes through with it, check messages later? Or something else? I feel sick, I can't think straight, I want to cry.

PS I wasn't snooping his messages, he had iPad charging in kitchen next to kettle, and when I moved it to make coffee I saw the last dirty message on the locked screen. He's obviously sending them from his phone but maybe not realising that duplicates are appearing on iPad at home

Please please dont start blaming yourself,there is no excuse to cheat on your partner! He shouldve talked to you to discuss issues first not start an affair up with someone.
please dont minimise OP, if you go in with that mindset then he will turn this all round on you.

I'm in agreement with others.
You need some time.
He's been planning this for a while.
Working out, new clothes etc.... (typical, my ExH did exactly the same)
You can challenge but he will minimise and deny at the moment.
So I would pack him a bag to last about a week.
Text him and say 'I know!!! I have left a bag in the garage (on the front lawn) and I don't want to see you for the rest of the week. I need time and space away from you to consider my options. I am now blocking your number so do not even try to contact me because I won't know anything about it' (I realise you won't actually do this but if he thinks you have it might give a bit more breathing space)
Keep the ipad. Don't allude to knowing via that and hopefully you can keep an eye on things.

I wish I'd had MN. I confronted with no real evidence and he totally denied it.
Swore on our DD life (they ALL do this by the way so don't be fooled by that)
I wasted another 3 months thinking I was crazy etc....
I wasn't. I found the proof I needed.

Space and time away from him is what you need right now.
Don't make any knee jerk decisions.
Take your time.

Get some RL support around you. This is the thing I regret the most.
I kept his dirty little secret for a good while.
I needed that support and for some reason I didn't get it, protecting his lying cheating arse. It's a mistake a lot of us make!

Do NOT do the 'pick me' dance. That will demean you and make your self esteem even lower.
Also please google Hysterical Bonding because this may well come in to play if you don't kick him out right now.
Be prepared.
Read up on 'The Script' so you can spot all the lies that will roll off of his lying deceitful tongue!

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
So many of us have been there so once you have step one out of the way we can support you with your further plans.

Please be kind to yourself.
This is NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with HIM. (Although you won't believe that for a good while yet)
Eat if you can and keep your sugar levels up and yourself hydrated.
I couldn't keep solid food down but ice lollies and sugary tea got me through it.
Then some soup etc.....

We really do know how this feels and I cannot say anything that will make you feel better right now.
But it does get better and you will move on but not for a while yet.
for you!

Just to hear hear above, people have affairs and use any excuse in the book to do so, you are either a cheat by nature or you are not - do not take blame for this!

Has he mentioned the lack of sex and intimacy to you...or have you both discussed it?

so why hasn't he made more effort to fix us first?
Absolutely. Hold on to that.
He could have spoken to you.
Asked to go to joint counselling, sex therapy etcc....
But he didn't.

HE chose to look outside the marriage.
And actually this might be the real reason there has also been no sex.

I'm actually thinking im partly responsible because I am largely at fault for the intimacy & sex disappearing
Stop.
Your instincts are telling you to save the marriage.
You are looking for things that you could have done to cause the problem and therefore could put right if you made enough effort.
It's a false premise.
He wouldn't have taken up with another woman if he hadn't wanted to.
He would have worked towards your happiness as a couple if he'd thought he wanted that.
Its down to him, not you.
I know how it feels. I know how shaken you are. But I wish someone had told me what I'm telling you now - "Cut the crap. Get rid of the joker now. Get a good solicitor and get everything you are entitled to. Don't hanker after a reconciliation/improvement."
Lets say you divorce his arse off as soon as you can, and after that you and he both genuinely want to be together again. You can do it.
But if you dither at this stage, you are inviting more pain, more poverty, more suffering - and most of it yours, not his.
You have the evidence. Stuff his kit in a binliner and have it at the gate when he comes home tonight.

I had a similar experience with my DH a couple of years ago - his messages arranging a date were popping up on the computer I was using, while I watched our 3 and 5 years old play.

I confronted him, had the week of him minimising, blaming me, being a shit, threatening me with custody of the kids... nice. Had to be done though. He didn't get to go and cheat (I pointed out to him that he's stupid to even try to have a lie-life without me).

We're still in a recovery process. It's been ghastly, but it's working.

Do you have RL friends you can talk to / run off to, if you need? One of DH's worries was that I would tell other people... he was more worried about them finding out than what he had done to us. Don't be persuaded to keep this a secret if you need to go and find help and support. He is not your trusted support person as of now.

He also has a responsibility to talk to you about the marriage. Cheating never solves anything. It's a terrible betrayal and hey we could all step out to find new and exciting sex

If you think it's not an ongoing thing that's good , but you need to put a stop to it and communicate and work on the marriage.
There are places that will do marriage counselling at a minimal cost .. because the most important thing is trying to save the marriage.

PM me if you're interested.

Great idea to get the kids out of the house... but try not to turn into into a slanging match or blame game.

You can say "I take a share of responsibility for the state of our marriage but not for your cheating" That's 100% on him.

Does he want a divorce and to be hit up with CS and alimony?

We have talked about our problems a couple of times, we try again and then life/kids/jobs get in the way again. We are both to blame for our intimacy problems, but I just never thought he'd give up and go satisfy himself anyway. Actually our marriage is good in most other ways, unless I'm totally blind.....thank u all v much. Just sitting here now deciding whether to react tonight or wait till I can process first. I have no-one to take my kids tonight so would need to wait till they're in bed.....

Absolutely screen shot the messages and send them to yourself, if there's one thing I wish I'd done it's that. Then when he's trying to convince you that 'what you saw wasn't what you thought you saw' you will have them to reference to.

Just try not to read them over and over in a tormenting way.

So sorry this has happened to you, take care.

And stay on here. The help and support just about kept me sane.

Take photos of the messages so he doesn't deny.

DH also whined about the lack of sex. We had 2 young kids, one of whom had only just started sleeping through the night. I get touched out by the end of the day with the kids. Rather than take any responsibility for his children and help me out he became another person demanding attention, and my body...

Lack of sex huh? No shit. And not your fault, and not an excuse. Not an excuse in law either. Adultery is grounds for divorce on a fault basis... HIS fault.

Using your iPhone take photos of the messages.
Get to the bank, go through all your papers and have copies of all your assets.
Then consider your next move.

he is not your trusted support person as of now
This is the whole root of my pain - he's my best friends and actually I don't want anyone to know about this either, it's shameful! So I need to confide in someone I guess...thank u xx

You don't have to make any decisions right now about how to handle this or deal with the confrontation. You've had a huge shock and taking some time to process is a good idea, but while you're processing it is good to prepare for any eventuality. Take screenshots and make sure you have the copies. Have a look and see if there is anything else you should know about (emails, social media accounts, unaccounted for payments on bank statements etc). When you do finally confront him, don't let him know exactly what you know as he will try to minimise.

"And actually this might be the real reason there has also been no sex." as hellsbellsmelons wrote...

I thought the same, If he is having sex with other people then he may be less likely to instigate intimacy at home. If this is the case then there's even more reason not to blame yourself.

As others have posted already...DON'T blame yourself...those of us that have been through this have probably done this at some point.

So sorry you are going through this, please don't blame yourself, there is lack of intimacy for both of you and yet you are not lying to your partner and spending joint funds on a dirty weekend away leaving your partner at home to look after your children. Absolutely no excuse.

And I'm sorry to say but it seems like these two are quite comfortable with each other so it may not be the first time.

It's entirely up to you what you chose to do but please remember who is really at fault here, imperfections at home are no excuse to do this.

Perhaps if he spent as much attention to you as he appears to her then perhaps there wouldn't be the issues.

I wouldn't say anything today
You're in shock, you need to gather yourself first
Take screenshots, put some money aside tonight
Then maybe tomorrow confront him, you'll have a clearer idea of how you feel, what you want to do and how you want to do it

So sorry OP, no matter what you've done and how offen you've had sex you do not deserve this

What a dispicable excuse for a human being.
Lack of sex is not a green light for an affair the more a partner helps out and contributes to home life the more likely that the partners can be intimate if one person is doing it all then intimacy does not happen
I'd have ti confront him tonight with a bag packed for him to show I mean business. There is no way I could share a bed with my dh if I'd just discovered this information.

for you op

Best friends should not betray each other like this.

Him going on this weekend really needs to be non negotiable if your marriage stands a chance.

Infidelity is probably the worst betrayal in marriage and reconciliation takes hard work and commitment from you both and especially him.

Have you got somewhere to drop the kids off tonight?

it's shameful!
Only for HIM!
Don't you dare think it's shameful on you. (although we all do)
It's not. Your friends and family will really want to support you right now.
Mine were very upset at how long I'd kept it to myself.
You will feel such a weight lift from you when you tell someone.
Just one trusted person will do.
Someone who is understanding so if you do work on your marriage they won't judge your decision!

Get photos of the messages.

You didn't cause this.

He's not chasing intimacy with you as he's getting it elsewhere.

Get copies of all documents.

Ask him what he's doing this weekend and watch him lie to you. That will show you what he really is. He doesn't love you nor is he your best friend.

Get him out.

If lack of sex was an issue, a decent person would have a conversation to try & sort it out. He's stuck 2 fingers up, at you & your relationship. Don't think this is your fault or make excuses for his selfishness & unforgivable behaviour

You sound like you might want your marriage to work out. If you do (and that is the much more difficult road, long-term) then you need to jump in now before it actually "happens". Because it will be even more difficult to cope with the fact he went through with it and physically had sex with another women.