Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - hubby cheating. Quick advice needed

163 replies

Improperlyhappy · 16/05/2016 15:36

Crikey, my hands are shaking typing this. Can't quite believe it, but I've just seen dirty texts from hubby to a random woman where they're planning to meet up for sex this weekend (while he is away with pals on golf weekend...) - she has even sent underwear pics. It's quite graphic, and I'm just gobsmacked.

We have DS7 and DS4 and sex life been erratic, then non existent for about 9-10 months. And he's been working out at gym & buying new clothes recently. I can't believe I haven't seen it coming tbh.

My question is - what do I do? Do I confront him when he gets home? Do I see if he actually goes through with it, check messages later? Or something else? I feel sick, I can't think straight, I want to cry.

PS I wasn't snooping his messages, he had iPad charging in kitchen next to kettle, and when I moved it to make coffee I saw the last dirty message on the locked screen. He's obviously sending them from his phone but maybe not realising that duplicates are appearing on iPad at home Shock Confused Angry Sad

OP posts:
Jan45 · 16/05/2016 16:54

I'd have assumed by the text messages that it's been an ongoing affair tbh so I'd think sex has already taken place?

MadameOvary · 16/05/2016 16:55

Sorry to nag OP but please tell us you've kept a copy of the messages?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/05/2016 17:14

I can't improve on hellsbellsmelons posts above, and would especially urge you to only confront him when you've had a little time to get your head around this. He'll probably do the usual deny/minimize/blame and you need to have a clear head (or as clear as it can be in the circumstances) to deal with it. Remember that he's several pages ahead of you, and has already had chance to justify all this to himself - if you waver in any way he could use your uncertainty against you

The best case scenario, of course, is that he's devastated, genuinely apologetic and determined to find a way to make things right; anything less and I'm afraid it's probably over, which - however much you might want to avoid it - may come about not so much because of the actions themselves, but the corrosive mistrust you'll always feel in the future

SandyY2K · 16/05/2016 17:24

Posted previous too soon

Just had a thought. Plug the iPad in exactly how it was. Don't even look near it or hint that it's your source.

HappyJanuary · 16/05/2016 17:26

I'm sorry you're experiencing this op. I've been here and promise you that any sign of weakness now will send the implicit message that he's gotten away with it. If I had my time again I'd be stronger. Copy the evidence and pack him some stuff, then get the kids out of the way so they don't have to see it.

The most likely route to him begging forgiveness and making amends, should you even want that, is showing him what he stands to lose. A few nights in a Travelodge will sharpen his mind.

MagicMoonstone · 16/05/2016 17:32

What do you want op?

To make it work or to walk away?

It's shitty this is happening to you SadFlowers

SandyY2K · 16/05/2016 17:35

OP

A few things that might help to know.

  • You can recover deleted text messages
  • You can see (from the phone bill ) how long this has been going on.
  • you can (if you want ) put spy ware on his
phone and iPad
  • You can find out who she is from a reverse phone number look up.

Is there something in the messages that make you think it's their first hookup?

Sounds like she's got herself special lingerie for the occasion.. so it is possible. This often happens in the beginning of an A.

To reiterate do not let this weekend happen.

cheesecadet · 16/05/2016 17:42

Dump the cheating bastard.

Snoringlittlemonkey · 16/05/2016 17:48

I agree 100% do not let this weekend happen.

If you want to make things work then everything has got to come out before you can even think about rebuilding. Otherwise you'll be building your house on sand.

Make sure you get those screenshots or backups so he can't deny or minimise it.

The devil in me would be tempted to text OW and say 'Hope you kept the receipt because the weekend is off. My husband won't be able to attend'. That will pour a bucket of cold water over their plans. She may not know he's married.

I'm sure others with more sensible heads will disagree but sometimes I think keeping our dignity and stating quiet is only good for the cheater in the long run.

DaveCamoron · 16/05/2016 17:53

His name isn't Dan is it? My friend has just found out his brother has cheated on his wife and he doesn't know what to do.

pearlylum · 16/05/2016 18:02

I would tell him you know before the weekend. You need to minimise your own pain.
You would feel terrible if he went away in ignorance and you spent the whole weekend knowing what was happening.

magoria · 16/05/2016 18:08

If you think about it now, do you think this is the first time?

You may want to consider a trip to an STI clinic in case he has been elsewhere since before you last had sex.

Sorry.

frieda909 · 16/05/2016 18:11

My heart is breaking reading this, I'm so sorry.

Hearing you blame yourself is so upsetting because I've been there. My ex didn't physically cheat (as far as I know) but he had something of an emotional affair and engaged in some very inappropriate behaviour which led to us breaking up. He had often complained about being sexual frustrated and so for a long time afterwards I blamed myself for not making enough effort. Eventually my sister snapped me out of it by saying 'you're not a performing monkey' and made me realise that he had stopped putting any effort into the rest of the relationship years ago. A healthy sex life is something you work at together, it isn't something one of you assumes all responsibility for.

I do think you need to confront him as soon as possible. I know it's terrifying but now that you know, I don't think there can be any going back. Don't torture yourself while allowing him to carry on behind your back.

Messymumof4 · 16/05/2016 18:12

I would be so angry! You really do need to talk to him and see why as that would be my biggest question! I don't think I could forgive someone who did that to me but if you feel you can it's worth a try, I would be forever checking up on him if it was me and I think I would drive myself bonkers! Good luck op

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/05/2016 18:21

If you want to make things work then everything has got to come out before you can even think about rebuilding. Otherwise you'll be building your house on sand

This ^^

Though while a lot will depend on his reaction, I wouldn't hold out too many hopes of him admitting anything he thinks he can keep hidden. IME the mindset tends to be "If I tell all of it she'll leave me, and if she's already decided to leave there's no point in admitting any more Hmm

MagicMoonstone · 16/05/2016 21:20

It's when I read stuff like this that I realise that my grumbles are so insignificant.

I hope you get to the bottom of it

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 16/05/2016 21:30

Oh, OP. I"m so sorry. I was where you are almost exactly a year ago. It is horrific.

You've had some terrific advice, so I won't repeat it. The one thing I would say, and I know it may be impossible to get your head around this now, is that the paradox of getting through this with a marriage at the end of it (if that is what you want) is that you MUST be willing to lose your marriage. He has devalued you and your relationship to an extreme to get to this point, and the only way to make him "see" you again, is to show him, to the greatest extent possible, what he has put at risk. I am very, very skeptical that a marriage can recover in a healthy way unless he is made to leave the house, learns what it's like to be a weekend dad and begins to see you again a separate person who has value and respect. And if, and that's a big if, he really sees that, he will be devastated at what he has done. Anything less, and I"m afraid you have virtually no chance.

I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Improperlyhappy · 16/05/2016 22:48

Gosh thanks so much everyone for your support, it really is helping. After I finished work & put kids to bed, he was out doing some DIY for my sister, so I've not said anything tonight. Plus I have a massive meeting at work tomorrow and need a sane start to the day. So I'm going to mull over for a day & do it tomorrow night. I took screen shots and left everything as it was on his iPad. I have a good job, am financially independent so if things don't work, I don't need to stay. But I do want it to work for us and for my boys, so I will calmly let him know what I know and just base next steps on his reaction. She was saying looking forward to meeting him and wondering what he looked like, so this is definitely a first time hook up (unless he's done it b4 with s.o. Else). So I need to step in b4 it actually happens, I can't bear the thought of sitting at home knowing it's happening and knowing its gone too far...thank u xxxx

OP posts:
mickyblueyes · 16/05/2016 22:56

Could he be on tinder or some adult dating site...if they've never met sounds likely he is. Wishing you all the best for tomorrow.

WellErrr · 16/05/2016 22:59

Sorry OP Flowers

MrsGPie1974 · 16/05/2016 23:27

Am I making a mistake loving a man who also was the one to have affair? Am I being naive to think our love is special?

MrsGPie1974 · 16/05/2016 23:28

Sorry! Meant to start new thread! How do I delete?

notapizzaeater · 16/05/2016 23:34

You need to say something before it happens, you can then decide what to do

newworldnow · 16/05/2016 23:45

FFS she is wondering what he looks like? You couldn't make it up. The bloody fool.
Keep strong OP.

SandyY2K · 16/05/2016 23:49

Well at least it hasn't happened yet. Good on you for being financially independent. It's a reason so many women put up with crap.

It helps to make bullet points of what you want to say when you speak to him.

Take care of yourself and good luck with the meeting.

Swipe left for the next trending thread