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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - hubby cheating. Quick advice needed

163 replies

Improperlyhappy · 16/05/2016 15:36

Crikey, my hands are shaking typing this. Can't quite believe it, but I've just seen dirty texts from hubby to a random woman where they're planning to meet up for sex this weekend (while he is away with pals on golf weekend...) - she has even sent underwear pics. It's quite graphic, and I'm just gobsmacked.

We have DS7 and DS4 and sex life been erratic, then non existent for about 9-10 months. And he's been working out at gym & buying new clothes recently. I can't believe I haven't seen it coming tbh.

My question is - what do I do? Do I confront him when he gets home? Do I see if he actually goes through with it, check messages later? Or something else? I feel sick, I can't think straight, I want to cry.

PS I wasn't snooping his messages, he had iPad charging in kitchen next to kettle, and when I moved it to make coffee I saw the last dirty message on the locked screen. He's obviously sending them from his phone but maybe not realising that duplicates are appearing on iPad at home Shock Confused Angry Sad

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 18/05/2016 10:44

This reply has been deleted

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LaGattaNera · 18/05/2016 10:45

Have to disagree about the committing to sex thing before meeting - my colleague is on some sort of cougar/sex/hook up website which is for sex and she just meets them and they have sex, she is not looking for a relationship and some guys are married and yes she knows that. Some women do just want to get laid and they may see more than one man at a time - she doesn't get paid for it! She has a job and family and friends but is not in a relationship and doesn't want to be. (And it genuinely is a colleague not me)

Looly71 · 18/05/2016 10:53

I know two peoples who absolutely used to meet up with strangers from Internet just for sex Shock

BastardGoDarkly · 18/05/2016 11:11

I know some girls like to whore it about ?! Lovely Hmm

Op, I'd struggle to believe a word he said, but I really hope it works out for you Flowers

MrsGPie1974 · 19/05/2016 20:54

Without evidence that he has done anything physical. I think you have to take his word that he hasn't for the sake of your marriage, your kids and your sanity. You shouldn't give up on your marriage because your husband's fantasies have got out of hand. Give him this one chance but let him know how much it has hurt you and ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Try for the boys and yourself and your families. Divorce isn't something to enter into lightly. I hope you can sort things out!

pearlylum · 20/05/2016 07:04

Without evidence that he has done anything physical. I think you have to take his word that he hasn't for the sake of your marriage,

I think that's a naiive attitude.

It's a huge coincidence that this man has been caught in the preparation just before his first illicit sex meet.

This just so happens to be the fist one that has been rumbled.

pearlylum · 20/05/2016 07:45

You shouldn't give up on your marriage because your husband's fantasies have got out of hand.

Such a delicate turn of phrase.

This guy is fucking prostitutes and you are encouraging the OP not to give up on her marriiage?

hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2016 08:34

Divorce isn't something to enter into lightly
Neither is infidelity but he seems to happy to go along with it and cheat on his wife and kids.

Hope you are OK OP and he's given you the space you need.

RubbishMantra · 20/05/2016 10:13

MrsGPie, I think that's one of the worst pieces of advice I've heard on MN! Sort of harks back to "Dear Deidre" type agony aunts from back in the day.

There were some twitterings from you upthread about loving a man who's having an affair.

Seriously, are you having a bubble?

Hope you're bearing up OP.

Original poster
Improperlyhappy · 20/05/2016 17:43

Thanks again for the supporting words. By way of update, we are spending a few days apart (maybe longer) to think about where we've fallen down and what we'd like from each other going forward. He got a replacement for his weekend (it's got to be 16 people as they play 4 x 4 golf rounds) so he did that and we're in seperate bedrooms until we reach a plan. I refuse to make an instant decision to give up on 18 years together and 2 kids, so I will try my best to make things work. It's hard for you all to believe me (I'm sure some will think I'm being a fool) but he is a good kind man & brilliant dad. I earn more than him and it bothers him not one bit. He does half the chores & childcare stuff and he is adored by my friends & family. But I've realised that, while he is 100% responsible for his behaviour, I am 50% responsible for the absence of intimacy & sex. We used to be active & adventurous but after 2 crazy energetic boys and my career taking off, I simply have zero sexual appetite. I should have recognised it sooner.
I'm happy he wants to better his appearance, and he said he started doing it to see if I'd start fancying Him again.
He met this woman on a website specifically for singles or couples to hook up and try out their fantasies. He showed me the whole text history and while it was upsetting to read, I believe he hadn't done anything before. I am quite outgoing and cynical by nature but I am choosing to believe him. Though not sure how long it will take to trust him again. He is upset and ashamed and said he was actually glad I caught him because he's realised that he might've actually gone through with it...and would've gone a step too far.
xxxx

OP posts:
MrsGPie1974 · 20/05/2016 17:53

Interesting to read the reaction to my thread. To clarify, I'm not old fashioned. My husband had an affair and I left him. I don't recall reading that he was shagging prostitutes.

shoeaddict83 · 20/05/2016 17:58

I have to say your post is so level-headed and strong and honest, you are doing amazing. For what it's worth I think you are approaching this in the right way and can only do what's right for you, the fact you are both willing to work on separate issues, and that he's now been open with everything shows that you both want to work through this and if it's what you want I hope you can. Best wishes Op Flowers

Original poster
Improperlyhappy · 20/05/2016 18:19

I know some of you might think he's just a cheating bastard and I should cut him loose. But i know him so well, and I believe there is much more to a person than one action.
To be fair to this woman, she's not a prostitute! She is (apparently) a widow with 4 kids who was in a chat room originally looking for a couple to reignite her sex life as a threesome. She runs a dress making business and booked a room in the same hotel for sat night....he texted her to apologise for leading her on and that he'd had a change of heart so she should probably cancel her plans. He then deleted her number. All quite horrible & sad really xx

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/05/2016 18:27

And seedy. Very, very seedy.

Original poster
Improperlyhappy · 20/05/2016 18:35

Yeah - it's kind of the sordidness of it that I'm struggling to forgive. But tbh would i feel better if it was a drunken shag on a works night out or such like? This is why I need to think whether I can trust him again x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/05/2016 18:39

You shouldn't even have to do the "choose the worse scenario" dance. It could be worse ? It could be a fuckload better

pearlylum · 20/05/2016 18:44

OP you seem sure this is the only "near" event.
How can you be sure there have been no others?
You say you have been seeing signs for a while, him preening himself ( for you apparently Hmm)

Don't you feel it's quite a coincidence that you caught him out just before his first seedy act?
This was going to happen on a golf weekend, yet you also say there have been other golf weekends he has been on.

If he has been a shit enough guy to arrange this behind your back then he is going to be shit enough to tell you it hasn't happened before.

I smell a rat.

AnyFucker · 20/05/2016 18:45

Well, the scenario he chose (and yes, he chose it) required planning and malice a forethought. He fully arranged to shag someone else and planned every meticulous detail. Not such a Nice Guy.

I would say that was worse than a drunken moment of madness. But I'm not you.

pearlylum · 20/05/2016 18:48

He is upset and ashamed and said he was actually glad I caught him because he's realised that he might've actually gone through with it...and would've gone a step too far

And the band played believe it if you like.

Original poster
Improperlyhappy · 20/05/2016 19:56

I knew some people would think I am a mug! Id like to think I'm shrewd & smart enough to know when I'm being taken for a fool, and I appreciate everyone's view. But I know me and I know him, and if he is still lying, then it will come out. But I am choosing to stay and choosing for now to believe his remorse. I have absolutely not forgiven or forgotten at this time, and I need to maybe investigate him a bit more. But I am choosing to try my best to work through it. I couldn't look at my kids if I just gave up now & changed their lives without any effort at all. xx

OP posts:
newworldnow · 20/05/2016 19:59

Next time he will hide it better. You are choosing to be naïve. He's glad he got caught? Yeah right.
You might change your mind when you've processed this nonsense. I hope so.
He's such a silly billy and of course you are blaming yourself.

pearlylum · 20/05/2016 20:11

You are a hero now OP.

Your OH is grateful evermore because you saved him. He was a poor victim about to walk blindly into a bad choice and now he's upset.

Some interesting role casting here.

AnyFucker · 20/05/2016 20:49

he is so grateful he will never do anything like this again. His respect for you letting this go will grow immensely

except it is very likely he will and very likely it will do nothing of the sort

when he changes his shitty undies, the gratitude wears off and he realises he got away with it, it's just a matter of time before he finds some new and inventive ways to take the piss out of your willingness to forgive

shoeaddict83 · 20/05/2016 21:15

I think everyone's being unnecessarily harsh. This is the OPs life and she knows her life her marriage and her husband a lot better than anyone on MN does, it's hardly fair to be so bloody critical when you aren't in her shoes.
Obviously everyone has different options and I speak as someone who was treated like shit and cheated on so I understand the pain, but no-one can categorically say this is 100% going to happen again or that it's not the first time.
It seems everyone wants the soap drama of the op saying she's cut his clothes up, thrown them on the lawn and changed the locks and filed the divorce papers.
She asked for advice, she's taken some and made her decision for the time being so why chastise, ridicule and jump down her throat because it wasn't the immediate LTB that everyone appeared to want?

LittleGreyBear · 20/05/2016 21:16

OP, totally agree wth the decision you've made.