Help - hubby cheating. Quick advice needed

[Improperlyhappy]

Crikey, my hands are shaking typing this. Can't quite believe it, but I've just seen dirty texts from hubby to a random woman where they're planning to meet up for sex this weekend (while he is away with pals on golf weekend...) - she has even sent underwear pics. It's quite graphic, and I'm just gobsmacked.

We have DS7 and DS4 and sex life been erratic, then non existent for about 9-10 months. And he's been working out at gym & buying new clothes recently. I can't believe I haven't seen it coming tbh.

My question is - what do I do? Do I confront him when he gets home? Do I see if he actually goes through with it, check messages later? Or something else? I feel sick, I can't think straight, I want to cry.

PS I wasn't snooping his messages, he had iPad charging in kitchen next to kettle, and when I moved it to make coffee I saw the last dirty message on the locked screen. He's obviously sending them from his phone but maybe not realising that duplicates are appearing on iPad at home

OP, your insistence that he is a good man and brilliant father seems incompatible with his actions. A good man and brilliant father would have sat down with his wife and had a discussion about lack of intimacy etc, not pursued a seedy hook-up with a stranger. He intended on cheating on you, hurting both you and your children in the process. I'm sorry.
It's clear you are an intelligent woman but even the most intelligent woman can be blinded by love and desperation to save a marriage. I think you are minimising (and that's understandable). I'm not convinced he won't do it again; I am convinced that if he does, next time he'll be a lot more careful. You deserve better.

Jesus, the OPs husband is planning a fuck fest and the OP is told to join a gym.

There are some very weird views on this thread.

Just to add, OP, perhaps this was the first time he's ever attempted anything like this, but I think you should get yourself checked out at the STD clinic to be on the safe side.

Ps. I know you have weighed things up carefully and you know your husband better than we all do, but your reaction at having discovered all this implies you'd never have thought your husband capable of such a betrayal. People make mistakes but this is a big one! In your shoes I would be asking myself if I ever knew my husband as well as I'd thought.

I agree with others that, no matter the reaction/ comments/ advice, we are on your side. If some here are more cynical than others, perhaps they've been where you are now but have continued to be lied to, misled, cheated on, often repeatedly before they accept things won't ever change, not for the better, anyway...

Maybe this was a one -off, maybe not...

I would not be like Fighting though... No offence to her but I could not live like that. Private detectives, polygraphs for all of your married life in order to be sure you husband is not cheating again would not be something I can do. I don't think there's any basis for a marriage once the trust has gone.

Keep us updated. I hope, whatever happens, things turn out well for you and your children.

checking nc

OP, I think you're a smart woman and will do the right thing. Good luck! I think you will be just fine.

It's 100% your decision if you do or do not believe/stay/go etc. All I would say is that should your DH do this again, I bet he won't make the mistake of his texts automatically copying onto the ipad at home.

The reason for the shocking replies is that some of us have been through this with grace but got burned again. Just warning you to look out for yourself.

Sadly OP, there is a huge percentage of MN posters that can never accept any form of infidelity. They can never accept that you feel a degree of responsibility for the breakdown of intimacy in your marriage.
Their worlds are very black and white. It's not right or wrong. It's simply what they believe. It is not always the way for everyone and they will never accept an alternative methods of dealing with this situation other than divorce. There is no point explaining it.

Those of us that can see exactly why you have chosen this course of action (even if it's temporary) completely understand your reasoning. I hope it works out for you. I have at least 4 or 5 couple friends who have had exactly this situation when children were young and have gone on to have long happy marriages 25 + yrs.

Some of the more annoying platitudes you will hear are :

Once a cheat always a cheat.
You forgive him once, it's the green light to continue

It can be true but it can equally be untrue. It depends on the person. Only you know the person well enough to judge, not some anonymous posters on an Internet forum.

Totally agree Marilyn, I am always amazed at the number of women who think that the minute they don't want intimacy any longer, their partner should accept their fate and be happy with it, unable to appreciate that the fact they get to sexual desire and therefore don't have to cope with missing doesn't mean it doesn't have an impact on the person they are supposedly loving. And then they are surprised when they refuse to talk about it, do anything about it that their partner are torn apart at what to do.

I believe that OP has a chance to save her marriage because she is indeed accepting part of the responsibility and that's the right way to go about it. What he did was wrong without a doubt, but she is potentially part of the problem and therefore part of the solution.

They might be able to work on this issue and that alone might save their relationship. Or she might discover that his behaviour had nothing to do with it, that he is a jerk and she doesn't want any future with him any longer. However, I can understand that if the marriage is otherwise strong, that trying to save it is the first step, so if anything, when you look back, you can say that you've tried.

I am a woman in her mid-40 and I definitely couldn't be happy in my marriage without sex. Sex is very important to me. No sex mean feeling neglected. It's not about the sexual pleasure itself, it's about the closeness and what is share emotionally during the act, probably because that's the only thing I share with my husband that I would share with no one else at all. I adore my husband and our marriage is perfect, but without it, I think we would be on shaky grounds.

Of course, the issue here is that he decided to take a step that he should never ever have considered, so it comes down to how much he accepts full responsibility for this part of it.

Just take the comments that are helpful.
Ignore the others.
This is your life and your decision.
We should all respect that.

I always say this is the harder path but there are many success stories as well.
Yours will hopefully be one of them.
He's been honest about this.
Let you see everything.
Not tried to hide it
Cancelled the holiday and wants your marriage to work.
Work together and it could be better than it has been for a long time.
Good luck to you.

Completely agree with Marilynsbigsister

Nobody knows you, your husband or your marriage better than you.
You have all the facts, not MN posters.

Unfortunately these threads always go this way and I think some do more damage than good.
EVERY situation is different, you do what you need to do.
Best of luck xxx

I think you sound very astute OP. I can understand where you are and your thought process now. I get what you mean about letting a marriage slide and being jointly responsible for that, but it doesn't mean that anyone should go out and have an affair, they should work at the marriage and address problems or leave, not simply start up a second relationship.

I hope you'll stay around and ask advice again. Obviously you have to sift through and some people are a tad over emotional in their replies, but you also get a lot of sense and support.

I hope that you achieve what you hope for, that the marriage can be saved. There will be a huge amount of work to be done, but some people can get over things like this.

FFS. He chose to be unfaithful. That's not the only option when you're unhappy with how many hours your partner's working or how much weight she's put on etc.