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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW

201 replies

Whisperingeye1 · 30/12/2015 00:04

Sure I will get flamed for this but..... looking through some of the threads I have a question. Why are OW seen as devil incarnate whilst the lying, cheating bastards who actually made the commitment in the first place seem to get less bad press. Men are seen as easily led. Seen posts questioning how they can save their marriage (to the lying cheat) whilst flaming OW. I am not an OW by the way and have never been cheated on by dp (as far as I know!) so am curious.

OP posts:
Sum314 · 30/12/2015 00:09

I think it's cos the husbands don't come here so a lot of the anger is taken out on the female poster (the ow) just because the husband doesn't come on to post i'm cheating on my wife.

That's my theory but I've never been an ow. I think it's a bit of a low self-esteem decision myself, which is why I would try to go easy on OW who come to mumsnet. Being told they're scum etc, and basically torn alive and spat out on a forum won't help the situation.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 30/12/2015 00:10

I don't know because I agree, if my husband cheated on me I think I'd be saving the lions share of my anger for him. But maybe it's different when it happens.

Morganly · 30/12/2015 00:13

You haven't been reading properly if you think the cheating husbands don't get a "bad press".

didyouwritethe · 30/12/2015 00:14

Because there's a vast amount of misogyny on MN, especially here, and it goes unchallenged.

GinIsTheBestChristmasSpirit · 30/12/2015 00:17

Personally I believe they are both as bad as each other. However if you wish to blame one primarily a married man or woman ALWAYS knows they are married but an OW/OM may be unaware.

eloquent · 30/12/2015 00:17

It's easier to blame the "harlot" than it is the man you love i guess.

Original poster
Whisperingeye1 · 30/12/2015 00:18

I just don't understand why people would be angrier at the third party then the person who broke the commitment they made to them.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 30/12/2015 00:24

My perspective? I've been cheated on, a 15 year relationship, and am now divorced because of it. It's been the worst two years of my life. My ex-h is a cheating arsehole, that's a fact. However, I feel equally venomous towards OW because she KNEW we were married, she gave him an ultimatum and he was to cut us off completely (and he did, financial and otherwise), she knew my toddler was going through assessment for ASD yet told me I was "attention seeking and only wanting to claim DLA". She was utterly vile to me, blamed me for her decision to have an affair with my husband, justified everything because hers had been killed a few months previously, she has insulted my parenting, called me every name under the sun, said she was "bored of my pitiful bleating" yet seemed to think that I should have just handed over my house, my husband and my son and fucked off because I was right in her way and she "deserved happiness". What a bitch. They are both as bad as eachother. However, don't ever tell me that I should save all my anger for him, she knew exactly what she was doing and my husband was her target. Good luck to the pair of them, they're going to need it.

tribpot · 30/12/2015 00:27

Because they are desperate to salvage the relationship with the cheating spouse. They are fed from an early age the myth that men can't help themselves and it is our job to police sexual conduct (like these macabre purity pledges in the US). People around them, who know the spouse as a "good guy" will also be reinforcing the stereotype.

Original poster
Whisperingeye1 · 30/12/2015 00:33

So sorry to hear that. I can completely understand why you are so angry at both parties. They sound like a match made in heaven! Hope things get better for you.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 30/12/2015 00:39

I don't think the betraying spouse does get a "less bad press" on MN.

Or at least not on the threads I've seen.

But (knowingly) being the OW is in itself a shit thing to do.

And it's not either/or. You can be angry at both for what each has done.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/12/2015 00:40

Whispering, I do realise that not all OW's behave like she has, my situation is unusual, but I still think that if you know somebody is married or in a relationship you just don't go there. They all act like their cocks and vaginas are completely out of their control! I also realise that sometimes the OW/OM simply doesn't know that there is a wife/husband at home and I feel sorry for people in that situation because they too have effectively been cheated on. I do wish those who cheat had an inkling of the pain they cause and the ripple effects on the children/wider families. My husband's affair has absolutely destroyed everybody. I doubt it will be worth it in the longer term.

Thank you for your good wishes Smile

cannotlogin · 30/12/2015 01:47

My ex is a twat. Total twat. The woman he left me for was vile. She knew what he was but went with it anyway. She did everything she could to make our lives hard, despite knowing she was integral in destroying a marriage. She joined in my ex's abuse of both myself and the children and for good measure has never once said sorry. Nor has my ex for that matter. I don't blame her - she owed ne nothing at all - but I do judge her for her piss poor behaviour which she alone needs to own. She is long gone - found out pretty quickly the ex wasn't have the man financially he pretended to be. She has a history of married men so no doubt onto the next.

Original poster
Whisperingeye1 · 30/12/2015 01:58

Having no experience of this myself I was asking out of curiousity. Thank you for posting. In both of your situations I can see that there was disgusting behaviour from both dh and ow. Hope that things get easier for both of you.

OP posts:
sky1010 · 30/12/2015 02:12

I have never read a thread where all anger is targeted at the OW. Never.

If I were cheated on, of course, I would be furious with my partner who made a commitment towards me- but I would have equal fury for his accessory.

After all, it's just basic decency to not shag other people's partners. If you willingly go along with this level of deceit and disrespect for someone, then you are absolutely deserving of any vitriol from the spurned partner.

187ab · 30/12/2015 09:54

Just because behaviour doesn't break vows or betray someone doesn't make it acceptable or right.

I think if a grown woman who is aware that a man is married with a family choose to sleep with him regardless, then that behaviour is wicked and fully deserving of opprobrium.

I don't think it's true that the cheating partner gets off more lightly. It's just more difficult if there are family issues. Obviously, goes without saying that they are shits.

Helmetbymidnight · 30/12/2015 09:58

I have never read a thread like that.

Most betrayed women are in utter shock that their dh would do that to them And in shock that another women- sometimes a friend or a colleague would collude against them in that way.

I don't think that's wrong or misogynistic. I think it's misogynistic to think women have no agency over their sexual choices.

Bogeyface · 30/12/2015 10:05

I think a lot of people misunderstand the anger towards the OW.

You can be murderously angry to the OW and still be just as angry towards your spouse. It makes me mad when the old MN line of "He is the one who cheated on you, save your anger for him" No. Sorry, but she was involved in his betrayal so she is just as bad imo.

Also, if you are reconciling, you can begin to understand the reasons behind the cheating through discussions with your spouse even if its just that they are selfish pricks who thought they would get away with it. But you dont get that from the OW, you are left with "Why? Why would she do that when she knew he was married/had kids/living with me/etc" Those of us who have never been an OW genuinely dont understand the mindset of someone who knowingly becomes the third person in a marriage, and in some cases (MrsC being a case in point) deliberately sets out to "catch" a married man.

Its not so much the anger as the frustration of not understanding their motivation if they know all about you.

That and the fact that there are some things you just dont do if you are a decent human being, and fucking someone elses spouse is one of them. If you choose to do that then I reserve the right to look down on you as a despicable piece of crap. ("You" in general terms, not "you" specifically OP!)

TimeToMuskUp · 30/12/2015 10:09

I don't think it's just on MN; in real life the OW is often the one to receive the most hate. I have a few friends who've taken back partners/husband who've had affairs/ONS and their vitriol is almost exclusively reserved for the OW while the men are considered helpless with "I just couldn't help myself" often bandied about.

My Ex (DS1's Dad) had an affair with his Ex while I was pregnant. When I found out I texted her asking where her sisterhood and self respect were, that she needed to sleep with someone else's partner, and said that I felt dreadfully sorry for her desperately sad life. But it was him I despised. Him that shat all over our little unit. And when he cried as he realised it was completely over, I reminded him that it was his choice to have sex with her, that at no point had she forced him. Fortunately Ex and I get on well now and there's no bad feeling. If there was, though, it would be entirely reserved for him. I feel sorry for women whose self esteem is so low they need to have relationships with married men.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2015 10:17

I have read many threads where the OP is lashing out at the OW.
But.... they are soon put right and told to direct the anger at the right person and that is her cheating husband.
I was cheated on as well. I hated OW but didn't know her and all my anger was for my cheating H.
I'm way to nice and rational though and told him that he should be happy so he should bugger off and be with her.
Karma is a wonderful thing sometimes though Grin

moonfacebaby · 30/12/2015 10:24

It happened to me & I blamed both of them.

Yes, my exH was the one that had made the commitment to me, but OW had a boyfriend & she knew that we had a 4 month old baby. I have no respect for a woman who willingly gets involved in an affair where children are involved - especially a baby.

My exH is a cock. That I know. But she is also a selfish, shameless individual. They are a match made in heaven & I could now actually shake her hand for relieving me of the arse Grin

Bogeyface · 30/12/2015 10:31

moonface Its nice to see someone get what they wished for and exactly what they deserve at the same time isnt it?! :o

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/12/2015 10:31

hellsbells....I think it is good that you were actually able to just direct your anger at your ex. Maybe not knowing OW made this easier. I did know OW, she knew us, knew our situation and it's since transpired that my husband has been shagging her on and off for years. A few weeks ago, my ex "accidentally" dropped his car keys into my DS's bag when dropping him off. On it was a keyring with "I found you" engraved on it. That is her mindset...her husband was killed so she felt perfectly entitled to destroy my family (and the rest of the family AND my children) yet puts this deluded romantic spin on it as if they were thwarted soulmates who "found" eachother again. What a load of pathetic tosh. If you're going to get involved with a married man, at least have the guts to own up to what you are!

Bogeyface · 30/12/2015 10:36

Deluded has always been the perfect word to describe her though hasnt it MrsC? She looks in a mirror and sees Claudia Schiffer, we all see Pauline Calf Wink :o

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/12/2015 10:39

Bogey, you're not kidding Hmm. We need a proper catch up! x