OW

[Whisperingeye1]

Sure I will get flamed for this but..... looking through some of the threads I have a question. Why are OW seen as devil incarnate whilst the lying, cheating bastards who actually made the commitment in the first place seem to get less bad press. Men are seen as easily led. Seen posts questioning how they can save their marriage (to the lying cheat) whilst flaming OW. I am not an OW by the way and have never been cheated on by dp (as far as I know!) so am curious.

No a lot of ow are looking for a public hanging. Talking thing things thru would be way more useful but they get told (mostly( they're the worst kind of person etc... ott reactions.

Good to read that fckup.

Perhaps I read a different MN but it's fairly consistent that women coming on here to talk about their H's affair are told to direct their anger at him not the OW.

It is completely logical to be angry with the OW as well. It takes two after all. I personally wasn't at the start, I saw her as a victim as much as me. I am now though since I have discovered that she has had numerous affairs with married men in the office, and in fact targets them at conferences. The fact my H didn't say no says a lot about him, but as he put it he wasn't looking so if she hadn't handed him her room key it wouldn't have happened. Once it did there was no going back.

At the start a lot of women talk about trying to fight for their marriage. That's about shock, fear, all kinds of emotions tat you can't possibly understand if you haven't lived through it. Given time work through this period most get angry and less likely to want to make it work.

Only those who have been cheated on actually understand the emotional roller coaster, the actual physical pain, and the rest. If you haven't don't judge. You have no idea what you would do or think unless it happens to you. You really don't. Very few people react in the way they say they would when the possibility is just theoretical.

I was extremely angry with dp believe me. However, I found the ow to be the most vile person when she threatened my 4 week old son. Hopefully that answers your question.

Of course the married spouse who cheats takes the majority of the blame but I just don't understand how the OW is prepared to do that to another woman and her children. To cause pain to another. Just walk away if he is married. Be a decent human being even if the man is not.
I'll probably be flamed

Surely it boils down to whether the OW knew that she was an OW?

My ExH had an affair with my best friend. I was angry at them both.

Had he had an affair with someone who didn't know I existed, I would not be angry at her at all. In fact, I'd like to think that we would collude and turn on him in union.

This is such an old chestnut.

It assumes that in the throes of shock and enormous emotional pain someone can logically and calmly lay out the division of blame, and are capable of being 'fair'.

If you have been recently betrayed no-one should be telling you who you should or should not be angry with. You need to be allowed to vent anger at whomever you wish without po-faced people telling you off for it and insisting you point the finger at the 'right' person. Assuming it's stop short of confrontation being angry with someone doesn't hurt them.

In most cases it is not unusual to blame a stranger more than a loved one. A stranger who, from the POV of the betrayed, appears from nowhere and causes them immense pain. And all human beings owe decent behaviour to others - it's the basis of a civilized society.

Longer term of course there needs to be a clearer focus regardless of whether you choose to stay with your partner or not. You can't make long-term decisions in a fog of emotion and the emphasis has to be on the cheater. The OW (or OM) needs to become irrelevant. Why waste emotional energy on an irrelevance?

Oh and I might add that after her A with my H, she split up with her H, went back to him, had another baby, started another A with another MM and is now living at her mums house while MM decides whether or not to leave his wife. I think I would be quite reasonable to dislike that behaviour.

Bogey I ain't complaining merely stating facts that OW do get called a cunt on here.

TheFormid I know it was not ok what we did. I did not expect anyone to tell me it was. But I do feel incredibly guilty innocent people have been caused a great deal of pain by our actions. Kinda thinking I deserved a kicking for it and needing to know their pain would ease.

I hold my hands up and accept I was wrong to think along those lines.

My asking when his wife would 'get over it' as you put it was cos I know from my DP she is still in a lot of pain and I wanted to know that it would get better for her.

I know we have clashed before and I can only apologise if I have upset you with my posts. I do not expect you to believe me but I have only ever posted cos I have struggled to cope with the fall out from our affair and wanted to do my best to make it as easy as possible for all concerned.

You seem very well respected on here and I am sorry you have had such a rotten time. I wish you all the best for a brighter future.

"I ain't complaining merely stating facts that OW do get called a cunt on here."

Personal attacks, whether on OWs or anyone else do indeed happen. And MNHQ will delete all of them. But only if they are reported.

"I wanted to know that it would get better for her"

You have to live with the knowledge that it is a devastating life-changing thing, and you can never have that assurance. Because it will never be OK.

I have only ever posted cos I have struggled to cope with the fall out from our affair and wanted to do my best to make it as easy as possible for all concerned.

Oh cry me a river.

The only way to make it as easy as possible for all concerned was to wait until he had ended his marriage before starting up with him. The fact that you didnt means that you have to suck up every single guilty moment and tear she cries because of what you did.

She may never get over it, she will certainly never forgive either of you, and frankly who can blame her?

Oh and I should add that showing faux concern for her when your only real issue is feeling better about what you did, is horrible.

You destroyed her life, you dont get to "worry" about her.

I have only ever posted cos I have struggled to cope with the fall out from our affair and wanted to do my best to make it as easy as possible for all concerned.

Oh diddums. Here's a tip: don't fuck other peoples husbands. There that makes it much easier for all involved.

Desert, I for one, would love it if you wilfully fucked off and abandoned MN, and whatever family you have fucked up once and for all.

Yeah that "faux concern" as Bogey so accurately puts your agenda, really rankles. Having the 'guilt' must be a terrible feeling - but I can assure you, that uncomfortable feeling (whatever it is) is a mere fraction of what you put the other family through. Their hurt is beyond belief - beyond what you can comprehend. If their hurt is anything, and I mean this, anything like what I've witnessed, and indeed what I've felt.

So really, for once now, fuck off. No one gives a shit about the fact that you're offended about being called a cunt.

Well said WWK - on all fronts.

Those attacks are against guidelines.

I've found that while posters who blame OW generally get told to focus their anger closer to home, when OW themselves come on here they get a vile, misogynist flaming, often bordering on abuse.

It's the age old double moral standard. Married women relying on other women to preserve their own marriages rather than expecting fidelity to come from within the primary relationship.

Society always 'blames the woman', it's easier that way.

MN even blames women for 'believing lies', as if we should all assume men are married until we have proved otherwise.

If I was cheated on I know my reaction would be visceral, and I can't guarantee I wouldn't have irrational hateful thoughts about OW. But I can't get behind abusing random women who have had misguided relationships with men who turned out to be more married than they said they were.

I do agree with that very mature post from MorrisZapp. I'm not an OW and I admit I've never felt the pain of it but everything thing she says is true

I feel pity for ow. Either their self-esteem is in the gutter, or they're a sad drama queen/attention-seeking cheaterman's woman, or, they 'win' a cheater - well done, what a prize, or maybe the marriage wasn't satisfying for one partner any more and people are allowed to leave. Doesn't make them great people perhaps. But that's another thread.

iwas and sorry to single you out because you're in a lot of pain I know but from what I've read on mumsnet, I've a lot more pity for your x's new ''gf''. She's stuck with an older lying cheater who gave his first wife an std, lied and lied and lied, cheated on his second wife 22 years ago when your son was a new born. That's the man she has, and she knows it. She's reduced to having sex with this lying idiot while he tries on a penis extension. You're a strong decent person and you're the lucky one to have got rid of such a nob-extension.

Sorry to drag shit from other thread.s

My exDH cheated on me. It was so awful at the time. But I never once blamed the OW.

There's a gulf of difference between "people are allowed to leave" (fine) and having an affair (not fine, to put it mildly).

The betrayer carries the main responsibility. But the person who was partner in that betrayal has also done their share. And it's OK for the innocent party or parties, if there are DC, to be angry (women are too often silenced about anger, even when it's appropriate) and to feel repulsion about either or both.

Thank goodness for MorrisZapp. It's quite true, women look to other women to be the guardians of their marriage instead of putting the responsibility for that on their own spouses. It's ridiculous. I can't think that men would do this? Hold other men accountable in the same way that women insist other women are?

I know what it's like to be cheated on, it was like feeling the floor beneath me just immediately shift and disappear but some of the projection here is unbelievable. You can't possibly speak for how other cheated-on women might feel or perceive their 'lot'/circumstances.

If you believe a poster is bored or just trying to provoke a reaction then why feed them your most painful thoughts and memories of such a horrible time? Up to the individual really but nobody has the right to call her or anyone else such vile names.

I repeat again, if you know somebody is married, has children, is not available, you just don't frigging go there. You also don't then go on to abuse the wife, manipulate and be a total inhuman shit. Just my experience. You. Just. Don't.

Well, I never have, but what can you do? what do you want, Sharia Law?. I know it must be really painful, but you can't legally prevent somebody from cheating on you. You do have power to dump them.

TheFormidableMrsC, I think you're a great poster by the way. but I mean, I just don't know what the answer is.

NoMore, oh of course, you can't prevent anybody from cheating on you, no way. My husband's a twat. He is also somebody with extensive "issues". I don't know what the answer is either. My anger is specific to my circumstances, it really is. OW in my case is literally the vilest specimen you could ever have the misfortune of coming across. It wouldn't have been so bad had she not made repeated attempts over 14 years to tempt my husband to leave. It wouldn't have been so bad had she not known about our very very young child. It wouldn't have been so bad had she not used her dead husband and grieving son to cover up what she did. It might also not have been so bad had she chosen not to abuse me in the way she did. My situation is unique in very many ways. However, you can't stop people cheating, you can't stop OW's who think it's OK to do it. You also can't do anything at all about the fallout of it all. That's down to the parent left behind. That is a shit job, believe me. It's a bereavement and grieving process unfortunately...unless you're "my" OW who told me that she didn't think that anything I was suffering was like bereavement, yet moved my husband in 4 1/2 months after her husband's funeral

Anyway, happy new year to you all...I mean that sincerely!