OW

[Whisperingeye1]

Sure I will get flamed for this but..... looking through some of the threads I have a question. Why are OW seen as devil incarnate whilst the lying, cheating bastards who actually made the commitment in the first place seem to get less bad press. Men are seen as easily led. Seen posts questioning how they can save their marriage (to the lying cheat) whilst flaming OW. I am not an OW by the way and have never been cheated on by dp (as far as I know!) so am curious.

....oh and she can't marry him...she would lose her widow's pension, his scheme doesn't allow remarriage...and she can't have a baby either...nearing 50. So, she feeds him, keeps him pissed (previously teetotal) and gives him money..what a lovely way to live!!

MrsC I have really appreciated your posts. I think the way you have dealt with such an awful situation is amazing. The OW sounds vile and her behaviour is disgusting and unforgivable. I hope that 2016 brings you the happiness you deserve.

Thanks Whisperingeye1...that is very kind. I always feel as if I sound like something from a soap opera! You couldn't make it up . They will get theirs eventually, I have no doubt. You don't get to behave like that and treat other people with such callous disregard without some comeback, whatever that may be. Onwards and upwards!

I can tell you that there is a lot of stuff that Mrs C hasnt posted about that confirms to me that Pauline (as she is known) is an utter psycho. There is absolutely not remorse, no empathy, no consideration for anyone other than herself. The way that she will grind into the dirt absolutely anyone who she sees as standing in her way is terrifying, including her own child. I would be frightened to be in a room alone with her if I had something she wanted.

In fairness to the OP, I dont think that Pauline is a typical OW, but sadly I dont think that she is unique either, there are far more predators out there than we realise.

I'm absolutely aghast at your latest post, MrsC. OW seems damaged beyond repair. Perhaps she was always a little bit unhinged but not obviously so (seems that her late husband was a good man with a keen eye to know what your husband was about)? She seems to have completely unravelled now with the sort of life that no sane woman would want or revere.

Yes, it does sound like a soap opera but one that is completely written from real life with no hope of just catching the omnibus highlights or switching it off completely.

I think you're doing all that you can by keeping your distance and keeping your children away from her as far as you can. If it is a consolation, OW seems like some kind of shell. She's keeping your husband drunk and helpless and probably wouldn't be able to retain her 'prize' in any other format. I don't know what that says about your husband really but both he and OW have 'lost' and ended up with themselves as booby prizes...

Rant away, MrsC, better out than in. Elevenses? :)

Good god Mrs c what a crazy loon!
My xh ow was practically a child so I Had no feelings towards her really. Maybe pity.
Her immaturity did mean that she was as far from remourseful abd discreet as one can be.
The kids and I were merely characters in her teen dramas.
I remember her abd Her tracksuited pals openly mocking me and toddler dd in Mcds one day.
I resisted the urge to tell her he was only with her because Id booted him out (much to his horror)
I thought to myself "you utter bastard, you have condemned me and your four chikdren to being the subject of kids ridicule"
Ten years later she now has 4 dc abd he is the gallivanting selfish giant baby that he always was and I feel very sorry for her.
He will almost definitely cheat (has done already) whereas I am having a fabulous life.
I know everyone has said this to you but I PROMISE that your inner turmoil will fade over time.
Look what you have managed to tolerate so far! You have such strength and the only way is up now.

Sorry to hear these appalling tales. It's scary that people can turn so completely from a decent human to a manipulative shit seemingly overnight. A friend has been through similar, and is now forced to conduct all communications with her ex through a third party as he is no longer capable of ordinary interaction. The emotional and financial cost is incalculable.

Hope there is peace and harmony coming in 2016.

TheFormid I am humbled by your reply and good grace and I thank you for it sincerely.

I do appreciate your advice and I have grown to understand through posting on here there is nowt I can do to make things better.

FWIW we will not be having a baby. He has had the snip and there are an abundance of reasons for both of us to prefer our life as it is.

Reading the last section of your reply to me and your subsequent posts moved me to tears. I could go into a long reply about not reaslising the consequences of starting an affair as we both thought it would not be uncovered but there is no excuse for the pain we have caused so I will shut up.

All I will say is your OW is a sick, vile individual to think and behave like she does. There is no excuse for my own behaviour but I am sincere in feeling fucking dreadful for the hurt I have caused and I will have to learn to live with it.

I sincerely wish you find the happiness you so clearly deserve and I am sorry once again if I have caused you any added distress with any of my posts.

Wow, to parade a new man in her children's playground, only 4 and a half months after her husband died, again, the funeral baked meats doth coldly furnish forth etc... and it's not just the speed, but what I can't imagine is to go for a man she knew her late husband disliked!!! She wasn't torturing herself 'what would he do now? perhaps perhaps perhaps I could imagine a recent widow thinking well my late h had a lot of respect for this man. But no, a beast that wants discourse of reason would have mourned longer.

Lying it is really good to see such respectful comments on here as a result of your posts. It has encouraged me to believe an OW can post on here without getting torn apart and it is clear it is down to the respectful and considered way you conduct yourself.

As a former OW myself, but much more recent and I am living with my now DP, I have been rightly torn apart on here. I accept now that was partly down to me and I was probably insensitive in the way I posted. Not intentionally but it is hard not to react to some of the comments.

I am also for the first time in my life in a committed, loving relationship and it is difficult balancing that against all the pain that has been caused as a result of it. If I have posted insensitivity at times tis the other reason why.

I like this site and and would very much like to be able to post without the upset and to try and offer support and advice where I can. Cheers for demonstrating it is possible to do so despite the OW tag but I realise it is entirely down to the person you are and the way you post.

I have learnt if I am getting vitriol it is down to my comments and not being an OW so it is my own fault if I have been called a cunt on here and I probably deserved it.

I found out my H had an affair just before Christmas. In fact I just got the all clear from the sexual health clinic 2 days ago. I never blamed OW. 100% H's fault. She knew he was married but shagged him anyway - meh, she never promised me anything and it's not her job to keep my H faithful to me.

probably insensitive? At least, desert, I see some shifting in mentality. Shame not a full step, but hey ho. Until you came back, I was really appreciating this thread for the intelligent, insightful and articulate postings.

Ne'er mind.

Minor detail though - can you show some respect to TheFormidableMrsC by addressing her as MrsC and not "theformid". Just so you recognise that your way of addressing her ain't the norm.

That would be a start. Y'know showing some respect. The woman has been to hell and back (and continues to be thrown around like a yo-yo).

Lying I appreciate your posts. I think you explain yourself admirably. Given there's a RL outside MN, we all know that it is easier to discuss contentious issues amicably when one has self-awareness.

megandmogatthezoo I'm with you - this ain't a gender issue. This is a moral issue. To make it a gender issue is an insult to both genders.

I've not read any of the thread, just responding to the OP.

In my case the OW knew EXACTLY what she was doing, dp didn't get away with anything, I didn't for one moment think he was lead astray by her, it was a joint effort, it takes two! He didn't have an easy time of it after I found out and I let the OW know exactly what I thought of her (whilst keeping my head held high) so in my case I didn't blame her entirely, I shared out the blame 50/50

Exactly! There's no stereotype - in some cases there's a clueless OW, in other cases there's a "self-ratifying" OW. So (former) wives can blame one, both or either. That's their prerogative.

The fundamental fact is someone's optimism/belief systems is destroyed when their long-term relationship breaks up through cheating. Particularly and especially when children are involved because the duplicity kills the mental health of the cheated on spouse (at least in the short term) - and if the cheated on has to take on full responsibility for the well-being of children (because the other parent fucks off and immediately moves on to a new family) it has a knock on effect too (despite every best intention).

So I can't bear OW's/cheaters saying "but..."

Because they didn't think in the first place. Or at least they didn't think adequately.

Well, you've summed it up! Yes, my mental health took a nose dive for a while, I lived in a haze, had to keep everything together as much as I could for 4 yo Ds, so why should I have sat back and not held the OW responsible for anything! She was part of it all, she knew about Ds and I, she didn't care one bit, why should she not be held accountable too?

And by accountable, I mean she recieved a brief message from me, unexpected I presume, which I also presume was the reason for her vile reply. I needed her to know I knew.

Dp went through far more, as it should be.

So this is a question that the poster is looking at, as to who gets the blame when there is cheating going on.
Blaming after the affair is a bit like shutting the door after the horse . .
The fact is that the husband/boyfriend has betrayed/deceived because he has broken his promise of fidelity. Also he has proven that he sees that he is a coward yet has done nothing about it, over a long period of time.

The mistress/ow, is also guilty, and enmeshed in lies, and living in the hope that he loves her. Yet how can she expect this of him, when he cannot even get his priorities in order?
People who are involved in affairs underestimate the gigantic problems that ensue for everyone caught up in it.
For all those that are thinking about having an affair - do not go down that road at all. There is an estimated 20% of the population that do, far too many.

I shared out the blame 50/50
This is the bit that I don't understand. Even if the OW intentionally went after your DH, she never vowed fidelity or made a commitment to you. The only person who has broken that is the DH.
Placing the blame 50/50 shares equal blame between the person who vowed to be faithful to you and the person who didn't. That makes no sense.
People don't just find themselves having affairs, it isn't something that happens TO them, it's a decision they make. They choose to break their promise. They have free will, it is 100% their choice.

I could no more be persuaded to have an affair than I could be persuaded to steal money from a friend. If I chose to do either, I would be 100% accountable for my actions and it would be ridiculous to place any blame on the person who persuaded me into doing it.

Not everyone agrees with monogamy or the fidelity of marriage, so there are plenty of people out there who see nothing wrong morally with having sex with a married person. They are entitled to their view of life and they are not wrong by their own moral code. The unfaithful partner is the one who is wrong.

PrimeDirective, if the sole criterion of what makes an action wrong is in whether it breaks some pre-agreed promise or vow to never do it, then indeed OM/OW are off any moral hook.

That isn't the be all and end all, for most people though. Most people might take in whether an action causes harm or enables harm.

Though I would probably agree that that the cheating partner should take most blame, in the general case at least. But I don't think the person they cheated with should be apportioned zero responsibility for any emotional distress that arises from the affair for others. It couldn't have been created without their complicity and actions.

But to each their own. That's just my moral sense of these things. If a betrayed partner wants to place zero blame on the other man/woman that is their right naturally.

Despite all the reasonable explanations here, I just can't agree with the fact that OW shouldn't share blame. As I have said upthread, if somebody issues ultimatums and blackmails a person into leaving their family, they are entirely complicit and know exactly what they are doing. Why shouldn't they then take some responsibility for their actions and the fallout from them? I wish I could illustrate here how my ex-h's attitude changed literally overnight the more irritated OW became with me not accepting their fairy stories and having the temerity to question them. Starting out with "I promise I will never leave you struggling, finances won't change, I will always look after you and the kids", blah blah, to literally cutting us dead in every way. He described OW to mutual friends as "controlling". We met for a coffee early on to discuss issues related to us and the children and he was utterly panic stricken that she would find out, and in his own words "would go bloody mad". Perhaps she should have thought of all of this before she involved herself with a married man with two children. Indeed OW wrote to me and said I deserved no respect and everything that was happening to me in not so many words. WTF? I almost but not quite feel sorry for my ex-h these days. He's with somebody who was happy to see mine and my kids lives completely destroyed. He's lost everything. That can't be a comfortable place to be. Thus, I maintain that they are both responsible for the decisions they jointly took...

Also, thank you to those who have written so kindly towards me on this thread . I think I'd prefer wine to elevenses Lying

ShowStopper I absolutely concur about the impact mentally. After 15 months, I am only now starting to emerge from a self-imposed hibernation, which, despite great friends and family, and private counselling, was the only way I could react to the shocking impact.

... for MrsC... and a to mop it all up :)

CantGet, I think unless you have been through something like this you literally cannot appreciate the utterly devastating effects on every facet of your being. I suffered from PTSD as a result. You do emerge, eventually, but you know that your life will never be the same again. Hopefully, however, it will be better in time. to you.

It's a few years down the line for me and I did emerge a stronger person, I really did. It was one of the hardest things I've faced, the utter devastation and bereavement of what you thought you had in your life, all caused by someone you thought was your best friend.

I think my 50:50 split for blame stands, yes, it takes two, in my case the OW knew exactly what she was doing, as did dp. She didn't suffer when I found out, she may have briefly felt 'wronged' by dp because he told me ever sordid detail and she didn't wish to hear from me, that was a small blip for her wasn't it. Dp however did suffer, but that doesn't mean in my own mind she wasn't 50% responsible, she was and I won't change my mind with that. You don't know my circumstances and the lead up to it all, I think every situation is different. If dp had lied, for example and she knew nothing about me, then of course I wouldn't proportion any blame on her!