OW

[Whisperingeye1]

Sure I will get flamed for this but..... looking through some of the threads I have a question. Why are OW seen as devil incarnate whilst the lying, cheating bastards who actually made the commitment in the first place seem to get less bad press. Men are seen as easily led. Seen posts questioning how they can save their marriage (to the lying cheat) whilst flaming OW. I am not an OW by the way and have never been cheated on by dp (as far as I know!) so am curious.

I think it really did help that I didn't know her and that she lived in another country was a bonus.

It is most definitely a gendered issue.

Any group of women will express disapproval (to put it mildly) towards a woman who is knowingly the OW. I have seen some threads on here by OWs where they have been called every name under the sun.

Can you imagine a group of men sitting around discussing a male friend/acquaintance of theirs who has recently been shagging a married woman? Unless one of the men is directly affected, the levels of opprobrium will be nowhere near what gets aimed at women. In fact you'll have a good chance of hearing along the lines of "Haha, good on him!"

In my case I felt a disproportionate amount of anger towards the ow simply because my stbxh apologised and explained, and was clearly very sad and regretful about leaving the family home.

I knew he was the person I should be blaming yet I had all those years of love and memories, all the kind things he ever did for me, coupled with the fact that he was suffering terribly for what he did.

I had no such feelings for the ow. I didn't know her really. She certainly didn't apologise or explain. In fact, she is positively triumphant that she got her man. It is a hard pill to swallow - that her absolute joy is built on the unbearable pain of me and my children.

Of course she doesn't know he's with her because I told him he had to go, or that he cries every times he visits home, and she wouldn't believe me if I told her as she's being given a completely different story.

But yes that's why I hate her more than him now - he's suffering for it, she's not.

In my case I hated completely the OW who deliberately pursued my partner. Her relationship had broken up so it was a revenge thing to make her ex sit up and notice. Pathetic.

We had a lovely house bought together, I had 2 young children. My partner had a good job and a good income. She wanted what we had, she had a low wage and no money. Little did she know that 3/4 of the property was mine.

She did not love my partner, it was all obvious to me, transparently so. My partner had low self esteem though and was always looking for admiration and validation. The OW identified this and made her moves. Initially I thought she was visiting us for support, which we offered in spades [big mistake]...but then it turned into stalking us, turning up everywhere we went. P was flattered, I just saw a lunatic.

My partner was weak minded, and deluded, liked thrills, excitement and drama [so OW fed into all the vulnerabilities] and partner actually thought OW was genuine and in love. Just couldn't/wouldn't see the reality of the situation despite me trying to explain what I was observing.
This is an otherwise intelligent person. I watched it all unfold in horror.

All I saw in OW was a predator, a user, a selfish manipulator, a calulator, a gold digger...and she got what she wanted. I was crushed, my life was awful for a long time. Made a new start as soon as I could though.

Partner saw the light after a few months after which it was too late. We tried to make another go of it but of course it didn't work. I didn't hate, I felt pity and sorrow for the way human beings treat one another and how weak some people are.

[Feel better for letting that out...many. many years later and I have absolutely no feelings for either party, two people at the mercy of their genitals who think happiness lies by sweaty, guilty couplings in someone elses bed. What a sad way to live]

It all showed me ultimately that we weren't right for each other, it happens, and I was glad to find out sooner rather than later so OW did me a favour in the end.

I don't know whether the ow in my story was predatory or not.

I know she was unhappily married and had had several affairs before my DH, and I know she was jealous of my life.

Her unhappy marriage and previous affairs were common knowledge at work, she wasn't very discreet about them.

She told a mutual friend she was jealous of me, and now she's got my life really, except the children. Our roles have been reversed. Now she has a rich partner, a beautiful home with cleaners and gardeners, and has been able to give up work. I am about to give up the family home and work full time for the first time in twenty years.

I know he is the one who betrayed me but i would have to be a saint not to hate her I think.

I suppose the only revenge I've had is knowing he regrets everything and doesn't really want to be with her.

Songbird what an utter dick your ex is. That won't last, it will fall apart eventually. So sorry you've been put through this . I think OW in my case felt triumphant at the hell they have put the kids and I through, especially as I found myself on benefits for the first time in my life. But I don't think any of it has worked out as they planned. They thought ex was going to get a big lump out of the house through court. He was forced to walk away with nothing, zero. He sold everything he owned to show her a good time, but that money has gone and he has nothing but the clothes on his back. His business has gone bust, he's now hugely overweight, has a drink problem, looks old and lined (rather than the toyboy material he was, she is much much older) and thus she has a "prize" that I wouldn't look twice at now. He has thrown away everything and walked out on his little boy. What a prick.

I think there is a lot to be said about how you treat somebody, how you behave towards others. It will come back to bite you eventually.

I started a thread in AIBU along these lines OP. I could not agree more with you.

Yeah the blokes get hammered for cheating on their wife. But they get off lightly when you see the vitriol thrown at the OW on here.

Pocket spot on. Blokes would not slag off another bloke for cheating the way women do about the OW. OW get ripped to pieces when they start threads. Personal attacks rightly not allowed but call OW posting on here a cunt and nobody bats an eyelid.

Oh God not you again! You don't just post though do you, you have endless threads trying to justify the fact you are an OW and name change and type the same old rubbish. OP in this case made clear she was not an OW and hadn't been cheated on. Very very different.

Calling someone a cunt is a personal attack, and if you see it you need to report it for deletion.

Calling the behaviour utterly (insert expletive of choice) is fine though. Especially as it is truly despicable.

OWs posting get quite a different reaction depending on how they post. The one in 'active' this morning is getting a deal of support and advice.

The (fairly identifiable) recurring PBP does not.

Cheating spouses get an equal pasting on here.

The women who start threads going I'm really happily married but I'm in lurve with my colleague/gardener/bin man get an equal pasting.

Pretty sure any man who posted that he was cheating would too. Men by and large do not start threads going I'm cheating on my wife and I think I'm in lurve with the ow. If they did they'd be ripped apart equally I think.

Ex cheated on me, personally it gave me an out from a horrendous marriage, I despise that she attempted to take my DC from me in court by sending in a completely false statement. But the courts thankfully did not take her statement seriously. Other than that they both deserve one another.

TheFormid with all due respect the OP's thread is about OW getting slaughtered on here while the cheating blokes get less vitriol which is the same point I started my thread on in AIBU.

Whether or not the OP or me have been an OW or not is not relevant to this thread. FWIW I have name changed once.

Stella I have seen threads started by OW where they have been personally called a cunt and not their behaviour. I CBA reporting.

I think the OW in active is getting an easy ride cos the cheated on partner was originally the OW.

My issue us I was once inadvertently the OW. I was 'dating', as I thought, a guy who turned out to be married. I was devastated, not to lose him but to think he had a wife and child at home while he had been with me (over Christmas too). I was so upset, I felt really shamed and remorseful even though in hindsight I had nothing to feel guilty about as I had no idea he was married. Therefore when OW come on here being quite triumphant about it I just feel very sad for them and I feel that they lack self respect and a moral compass - same goes for the man too.

I think that we give OW a pasting because frankly we expect better of other women.

I dont shit on you and I dont expect you to shit on me. However if you do shit on me then I reserve the right to let you have it in no small way.

I am not a man so I dont know how men work, but I know how women work and I know the struggles we have had over the millennia to get our voices heard. I know how hard we have worked to be equal and that we have had to work together to get here. That a woman would knowingly and deliberately set out to destroy my marriage strikes at the very core of what I value, so yes, I will call her a fucking cunt.

I CBA reporting.

then stop complaining. If you choose not to use the system in place for dealing with personal insults, you can hardly complain when they continue to happen as the person who is insulting you has not been censured.

I can completely see why so many people are so angry with the OW. I guess I was thinking that OW are mostly strangers. Having read the experiences of others I can see that some women just go after other peoples husbands and they in these cases they deserve it. It's hard to believe that some people would knowingly inflict that sort of devastation on others. I'm very sorry for all the posters who have had this happen to them. I hope that you find all the happiness you deserve in the future.

TheFormidableMrsC, I salute you! You seem admirably strong. Wish you were my friend IRL.

Lnd She is very strong, very funny and very beautiful to boot! I should hate her really....... :o

Ha Bogey! I have friend envy!!

Ahhh Bogey, what a lovely thing to say!! I am heartwarmed my darling . Lnd, thank you for your kind words! I am a terrible friend bad influence IRL .

So, back to the subject in hand, the problem you have OnADarkDesertHighway is that you did indeed pose that question, but you are the OW and wanted somebody/anybody to tell you what you had done was OK. Nobody was going to. Indeed you then went on to say that things were still a bit "fraught" you're not kidding and you wanted to know when the wife would "get over it". I think "probably never" was the resounding response. Unless you have experience of often real physical pain of betrayal within a long marriage and with children, you will not have a clue. The fact it makes you feel like shit is something you'll have to learn to live with I'm afraid. Unfortunately the OW in my case doesn't actually give a shit, just as long as she's OK.

Just today, OW has excelled herself. My DS (aged 4) has returned from Wednesday contact with his father armed with his Christmas presents. DS was very specific about which presents had been bought by Daddy and which had been bought by OW. The woman who wrecked his family, his security, left us in this shit, seems to think that buying my son presents makes it all OK. It doesn't. She has no right and that makes her a cunt. I won't apologise for that, it's just fact. Ex-h denies it of course, but I tend to believe my 4 yo, with Aspergers, who was very clear when he was lining it all up. I look forward to the day he realises the truth about the pair of them.

BeverlyGoldberg, I am really sorry that happened to you . I know a couple of people who have had similar experiences IRL and it is horrendous. I hope you've found somebody worthy of you now.

I am another MrsC fan for all the reasons Bogeyface lists - the kind of woman you'd quite like to dislike, but just bloody well can't 'cos she's too funny, too beautiful, and too warm-hearted!

Like Hells I can't hate the OW because I don't know them (overseas). So I think when you have some personal connection to the OW (and they you), you've every single bloody right to react emotionally to their disgusting behaviour.

Secondly, I can't find a single reason to give (you) Beverly a difficult time: you've been duped yourself, and that's upsetting. The minute I would change my attitude is if you perpetuated the affair post revelation.

To knowingly cause hurt and suffering to someone else, who has done nothing to you personally, aside from be 'married' (or in a relationship) with the object of your desires, means that, quite frankly, I do think: you're a selfish cunt. No more, no less.

It ain't a "man v. woman" thing - it's a cheating thing. If a stupid bloody idiot of a man turned up here writing "you must understand...my wife doesn't understand me". I'd say the same to them. It's just that more frequently, it's a woman who pops up to remind us (formerly) married types "that we don't understand..."

So I think what I think...and sometimes I type it out. Get Over It (as us formerly married types are often told).

My xh ow was practically a child so I saved all my rage for him.
Ten years later she has had 4 kids and he's still the cheating, selfish , childish wanker that he was with me.
I am now a friend to her and help her out I genuinely feel sorry for her and she's lovely to my chikdren whereas he hardly bothered with them!
My life is amazing so they did me a favour really.

When I asked for help, as the OW, the response was amazing. Yes some gentle criticism but far less than I deserved and lots of genuine support with the anger very definitely at the cheating husband.

I must say I've seen the opposite- pretty much every thread when a woman comes on and rants about the OW, she is told that she's wrong to be angry at her and her anger should only be reserved for the husband /partner. It's repeated over and over that he's the one who made promises to you.

I always find that view depressing, that if unless you have some sort of commitment to a person, it's ok to treat them without respect and it doesn't matter if they are hurt by your actions.

Plus a lot of the OWs who come on here are very "I'm the victim in all this" - there does seem to be a trend who've been treated like shit by a man who they know treats woman like shit (otherwise they wouldn't be having affairs in the first place) to expect sympathy for a situation that's of their own making. If MN hands them their arse back and stops them being able to pretend to themselves they are a passive victim, then hopefully they won't repeat the same mistake next time a married man gives them a sob story.