OW

[Whisperingeye1]

Sure I will get flamed for this but..... looking through some of the threads I have a question. Why are OW seen as devil incarnate whilst the lying, cheating bastards who actually made the commitment in the first place seem to get less bad press. Men are seen as easily led. Seen posts questioning how they can save their marriage (to the lying cheat) whilst flaming OW. I am not an OW by the way and have never been cheated on by dp (as far as I know!) so am curious.

Also, I believe, the poster who asked the question how long does it take to get over an affair? Queue lots of sympathy.

And then she revealed she was asking as the OW about her DP's ex as presumably she should have got over it two years on...

Shit sentence construction too!

He has told me he wishes he had left to be with me a long time ago.

That old chestnut.

My DH exW said that after she left my DH for the OM.

Fact is she left OM after having another affair and is currently in the process of also leaving new partner.

Geekology... your post is exactly why the spouters of 'Karma will bit them' get right up my nose. Idiotic and thoughtless springs to mind and I wish they'd shut the hell up and keep their nonsense platitudes to themselves and off this board.

The truth is, bad things happen to good people and bad people alike - as do good things. I hope that 2016 brings you a good dose of happy times that would outweigh any bad ones.

Ah thank you LyingWitch. And yes, I agree with you.

The other woman/mistress is blinkered and becomes emotionally involved with the adulterer.

Of course she will say that the relationship she has now is a loving one because she has now invested in it.
The deceiving husband, shows who he is and what he is capable of through his actions, ie going from one bed to another, in quick succession, not separating and living on his own, between relationships. The deceiver is a law unto themselves, always putting their own needs first.
Adultery is like a disease, that first affects the husband through his own choice who then passes it on to others, creating havoc as he goes.

The same could be said of the spouse, viridus and it isn't just husbands who cheat, wives do too.

I think there's far too much generalisation and projection on this issue, perhaps it's understandable even but that doesn't make it universally true.

Oh yes I wholly agree that both husbands and wives cheat...I guess just here in our experiences, it has been husbands.

In terms of Darks post regarding her relationship, what I really hate is the underlying "blame the wife" thing ie : "she threw him out so he was then free to start a relationship". Yet she threw him out because he was cheating and had had several affairs. He had already started a relationship with Dark hence it was natural he would go to her because where else was he going to go? In terms of the "spark had long gone", for God's sake, of course it goes! What you develop into is a deeper love that is not all "hearts and flowers". I didn't expect to have fireworks with my ex-h after 15 years, but I did love him deeply and totally adored him. Unfortunately, he is chasing a utopia that simply doesn't exist. He has "destination addiction" and is deeply unhappy with himself, hence looks for this perceived happiness in the "next" everything...home, partner, job...so on and so forth. He has been like this since he was a teenager. He is hugely damaged. I spent years trying to give him stability, encourage him, support him, ours being the longest relationship he has had, yet still it wasn't enough. Even having our DS after 11 years wasn't enough, it wasn't what he "thought" it was going to be...he really really needs psychological help but will never get it and he will do this again...

Geekology, I am so sorry you are still struggling, I sincerely hope that you manage to find some peace in your life. I know from friends who have been through this that they have taken on average 4-5 years to recover. Some never have sadly. I am determined not to be one of them. for you.

I would also like to point out that despite the focus on this thread being largely about OW, I think I can speak for many when I say that the husbands involved were not innocent bystanders and were equally vile. I don't think I will ever come to terms with how my husband has treated us. He enabled OW to inflict such pain on me. He went along with all of it. He has done some utterly horrific things, not least the total financial abandonment but some that were particularly vicious such as cancelling my car insurance in the middle of the night so that I couldn't take the kids to school/nursery in the morning and then gloating about it. Just one example. He told me that they hoped I'd die of cancer soon. I don't get why they had to behave like they did. Why I have become the focus of such hatred when it is they who took the path that they did. Yet you see similar stories day in and day on these boards and it's just awful. I think you could drive yourself insane trying to understand...

Anyway, I am off for run...endorphins required!

Enjoy your run, MrsC

I have to say, however lousy your husband was, he could have put a stop to all of this so that you never had to put up with the abuse from OW (who is obviously an unmitigated nightmare). HE could have had his affair, made his apologies, left/been asked to leave - and told OW that she is not to involve herself with you... that you'd been hurt enough. If he had any subsequent decency, that's what he would have done...

I think you're quite right, whatever it is that he's focused on and chasing, he is unlikely to find it and happiness will continue to elude him. Fortunately, his happiness need no longer be something that you are obliged to help him find. I'm sure he will have genuine and deeply-regretted remorse for his actions at some point in the future, when realisation dawns and he can no longer 'fudge' the reality as something else. Again, not your problem.

I know women cheat too, and the same views are to them too.

I do believe that people underestimate how damaging it is, it can cause nervous breakdowns and depression. It is the worst betrayal that can happen, because at the very least the deceiver behaves more like an enemy than a friend in the damage they inflict.
At the very least they could move out and live on their own before finding a new partner. But the way with these people is that they line their next victim up in quick succession, because they cannot do without their home comforts.

Jones to begin with I did doubt DP was capable of staying faithful. We did discuss it a lot and I do now trust him.

DP has lived alone before and it would not have been a problem for him to have done so again. He is not with me for convenience.

I can understand why DP cheated to some extent. If there is a lack of passion and excitement I do understand a thought process of thinking life is short and if he's discreet no harm done.

But I do accept now that harm is caused even if the cheating is not discovered. I also am at odds with loving your wife but still being prepared to do it. I did post originally about struggling to get my head round that very conflicting thought.

I trust that DP has learned enough from what he has done to not chance doing it again. Over time there were differences with DP and his wife which became more pronounced. I am not blaming his wife BTW.

DP has not had counselling, nor have I and it will not be a path we go down. I am in a great relationship and I am not kidding myself about it.

Ledkr your OW has without doubt wasted her life on your ex.

Jones I am sorry your DH cheated on you. I do not think my DP would describe his marriage in the same way I described our relationship.

I do apologise if I seem smug, I do not intend to be but I am really happy and it is a tad difficult to post about it without it being reflected in my posts. People do not win another person as you put it. I sincerely wish my DP's ex-wife life improves for the better for her own sake, not ours, as I know discovering our affair has put her through hell. The way you describe it is unfair, it was not meant in that manner.

I do believe people can behave differently in different relationships.

Bogey thanks. I accept your point that our affair and his behaviour until his wife slung him out was entirely on his terms and I went along with it when I could and should have done better.

He has more than made up for it since and I kinda get most affairs are on the terms of the cheater due to the nature of it.

I should have told him to fuck off when he first tried it on with me and during our affair too. But he has been nothing but respectful, thoughtful and loving since we got together properly.

Lying thank you so much for your kind post and thoughts. You talk a lot of sense and I welcome your views. I do agree with a lot of your post.

I am not being a hypocrit but I very much agree there are some awful stories on here, such as MrsC, and the attitude of some of the exes is shocking to their ex-wives and MrsC's OW is horrific.

DP is a decent man and has been respectful to his ex-wife. He has been generous financially and is happy to help her in other ways too with jobs at the family home. They maintain a reasonable relationship and we are as discreet as we can be. Cheers for your good wishes.

Ledkr I appreciate your post and your thoughts. Cheers. DP and I will not be having kids.

Clearly DP didn't know loyalty if it had bit him on the arse but I hope and believe he has learnt from it.

Helmet I accept I was insensitive with some of my earlier posts. I did react when I should not have done and I should have been more considerate. If I offended you I am sorry.

I have not changed who I am to please DP. I am not fussed about having children. He does care for me when I am unwell. I am overweight and it bothers me but not DP who thinks I am fine as I am. When we have sex it is cos we both want to. I have friends who I see without DP and interests away from him.

Your opinion of me in that respect is totally incorrect.

Jones I have already accepted I made an error in posting the way I did about his ex and I think I said as much on that thread. I did apologise when I received inappropriate sympathy and I posted to clarify my position. I should not have posted the way I did and I regret it but it was never about his ex-wife 'getting over it' in the way you imply.

MrsC I am sorry if my post came over as blaming his ex-wife. It was 100% DP's fault his wife slung him out and even if he was unhappy with elements of their marriage he should have tried to work through those issues with her instead of cheating.

I won't say my relationship was perfect, but it wasn't all bad. I think my partner hit 50, hit problems in work, realised I wasn't far behind him, I was going through menopause and when a 21 married barmaid starting flirting with him....

I truly believe if she hadn't started the flirtation ( and yes I have third party verification to conclude she did start it) we could've worked through our "problems". As it is, he has walked, he isn't happy, but won't admit it to anyone.

I have been suicidal on occasions, I really don't see the point. My son has had to give up on sixth form, I am struggling to focus him. My daughter has told my ex to..... so after 27 years, although I do believe my ex had a certain degree of control, I do also believe that the OW (petulant child?) has the control.

He was so flattered, so rewarded sexually, that the instant gratification outweighed the long term shed load of crap created. Six months on it is still crap and he treats our children with complete contempt, insisting on including the OW as their new "friend", I'm certain she is pulling the strings, he was previously a great dad.

Maybe I am being kind to him, but I really believe that he has been manipulated. Our only communication is email, and the word that comes up with regularity is "stuck". She won't allow him to spend time with his children other than a quick coffee after school every three or four weeks. I am beginning to think he doesn't tell her of these rendez vice, and has to sneak off....

So, my relationship wasn't perfect, but without a much younger OW coming on to him, we would probably have worked through things. As it is, none of us are happy, me, my children or my ex. The only person gaining is the OW, who has got out of a dodgy marriage and has a fairly wealthy sugar daddy. He stands to loose more or less everything.

OP, I usually take your point of view. I have been both the OW and the wronged wife and I can tell you that even in my privileged position (knowing from experience that people aren't unfaithful because of defects in their marriage/life partner) it hurts like hell when your partner strays. And personally, even though I've done it, I wouldn't forgive it. When I found out the ex was unfaithful, I asked him to leave that night and that was that.

Bubblebath01, goodness your story sounds very familiar to me...except OW in my case is older than both me and my ex-h. Utterly manipulative. I don't believe my ex-h is happy either. Stupid men. My husband did indeed lose everything...except the clothes on his back. What a place to be in your early 40's (or 50's as your husbnd's case). Utterly misguided fools. I am so sorry, it's very early days for you, six months is nothing when you're trying to recover from this sort of hell. I hope you are supported in RL and I would strongly suggest some counselling, it really did save me early on. I hope you find peace and happiness

Lying, thank you for your lovely post this morning, I took a lot of comfort from it

I've been mulling this over.

I think part of the reason the OW arouses such strong feelings is because she is a person who you feel has so much power to ruin your life and no incentive not to.

Mostly, people who have that power are your family or people to whom you choose to give it, such as friends and partners. But this is a person who has not been chosen, far from it.

I think that makes me feel frightened.

187ab... and your partner has ultimate and complete power to prevent an OW coming anywhere near your relationship... and he has EVERY incentive to protect that relationship.

An OW has no power at all beyond what your partner chooses to give up.

It is frightening in that you never really know somebody until something happens in your relationship, be it an illness, financial troubles or an affair or something else.

I read on here a long time ago about somebody's wise granny who advocated her granddaughter (and daughter) to 'prepare their war-chests in case of trouble', ie. making themselves financially able to physically leave a relationship should they ever want/need to. I think that's good advice. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to lose your heart to somebody if you want to - just that they shouldn't be able to take it - and more.

My post was not to exculpate the unfaithful partner, just a musing.

You are very logical, but some situations are not.

Terribly sorry, but I've been away dealing with the real world for some time (It's slightly righter than it used to be). But have finally got chance to catch up with a mostly intelligent thread discussing mostly intelligent adult issues.

That said, I'm am going to deal with this point:

Well no disrespect was intended to MrsC and as I unintentionally picked the wrong words to abbreviate it would have been appreciated if my error could have been pointed out without the hostility. Cheers.

Your "unintentionally picked wrong words" sum up your inability to see things aside from your own point of view. A calamity of wordage - to use my language sums up your shortages.

Cheers!

You're still incredibly self-absorbed.

And I've still got my wordage!

Just so you know.

WellWhoKnew... I've liked your posts for as long as you've been posting. I think you were out of line with that one when you said it. OnA has apologised for it. You could have made your point with a PM or just a post saying "Around these parts we call her "MrsC"..." or something like that.

As everyone can see for themselves, MrsC is an incredibly articulate and eloquent poster who has keen sensibilities and can hold her own corner very well indeed.

OnA has answered posters' questions that she's been asked - and done it politely.

You sound angry in your postings, in the same way you did in posting to your ex on this board and you've had masses of sympathy but coming back to pick on again what OnA said is unjust and the way you say it - obnoxious.

I thought about this for a few days.

I realise that I don't have any particular view, or feelings about, OW in my case. She/they are somewhat invisible in the scheme of things, at least in the context of my marriage to him. They were bit players. The much, much bigger story was his complete system of dishonesty. That hurt so much more than any OW could ever do, even the one who actively encouraged him.

I can say that I would warn anyone who comes across my ex husband, male or female, to not even shake his hand as he will look you in the eye, smile and warmly greet you, whilst his his other hand is in your pocket fishing about for what he can get from it (I mean that figuratively even though he stole from me too, the utter shit).

So the woman who 'won' him from me didn't hurt me at all and I have never really been interested in her. I've been too busy trying to pick my self esteem and confidence up from the floor. I am getting there.