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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The worst bit of being cheated on?

136 replies

MadeofCheese · 02/12/2015 12:34

For me, the worst bit is that he knew he'd done it and was still doing it and he continued to have sex with me, while I was blissfully unaware. I feel very violated phyically by that part.

OP posts:
Belle0906 · 02/12/2015 12:38

I totally understand that...my ex cheated with a girl he met online on the Friday night, slept with his ex girlfriend on the Saturday night and crawled into bed with my being blissfully unaware on the Sunday morning.

How dare they betray us in the first place but then play russian roulette with our health too?? Beggars belief.

Original poster
MadeofCheese · 02/12/2015 12:39

Yes that part makes me revolted. I almost feel raped. Does that make sense? It's like i consented under false pretenses.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 02/12/2015 12:43

Yup - same here - I felt that had I known he was having an affair I would not have had sex with him - I wasn't given a choice, so in my eyes the sex he had with me after starting his affair was non consensual and that makes me feel very violated. (I asked him why he had sex with me if he had stopped loving me -his answer 'I was horny and you were there') - as if I could have felt any more worthless.

Also -the deception -the nearly nine months of daily lies, of sitting with me talking to me, eating with me, sleeping with me knowing he was deceiving me.
The planning and calculated cruelty that went into his leaving me - it was all worked out to cause me as much hurt and pain as possible. That hurts far more than the actual physical cheating - the fact that he deliberately planned with another person to hurt me so much. If someone had come into our home and attacked him I would have fought and laid down my life to protect him, but he actively encouraged a stranger to invade our marriage and do me harm. That is the most unforgiveable thing of all.

I'm so sorry you are going through this too - I think no one understands the pain of it until they have been through it, - it takes a long time to get over, and I know I will never trust any man again, will never allow myself to give so much of myself to someone that they can hurt me like that again.

AstrantiaMallow · 02/12/2015 12:49

Totally - my ex slept with prostitutes and had regular ons when away on business. The fact he could come home, with sex as usual with me, revolts me beyond anything I can describe. Makes me feel really cheap too. Mind you, he was also abusive ...

Norest · 02/12/2015 12:52

Knowing they have done it but they deny deny deny, leaving you feeling like you are cracking up. That's the bit I have struggled to get past when it has happened to me.

DamsenBerry · 02/12/2015 13:00

One of my exes cheated on me for 5 years of our 6 year relationship. Amongst many others, he was sleeping with my then best friend for some time, on two occasions I was actually in the same house (long story).

The worst part about it for me? Looking back and putting it together, having it click into place all of the pathetic excuses and lies. Once I found out, in hindsight it was glaringly obvious. I think I didn't want to suspect anything because then I'd have to face it.

The best part? Knowing he's long gone, and knowing I'm now stronger than ever.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/12/2015 13:02

Another one here whose "husband" used prostitutes, risking my health as well as my emotional wellbeing. You're quite right of course that it's the betrayal as much as the act itself which hurts so much; there's no getting past that, especially if it's been longstanding

Are you still with him or has he gone?

flanjabelle · 02/12/2015 13:04

To me it's knowing just how little they cared about you to do it. they know it will hurt you and they do it anyway. Its like a stab to the heart. They can say they love you, but how can you ever believe it again when they willingly did something they knew would cause you so much pain.

Sorry you are hurting op.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 02/12/2015 13:13

(I asked him why he had sex with me if he had stopped loving me -his answer 'I was horny and you were there') - as if I could have felt any more worthless.

That's appalling, and I think you nailed it there, KurriKurri. Flowers

JudgeJodie · 02/12/2015 13:14

I had made it very clear to my partner when we started dtd following full health checks that my consent was conditional on his "mot being valid". When I found out he had cheated I too felt that the sex had no longer been consensual and felt violated in a way that was hard to comprehend. There was no way he hadn't understood how vital that aspect of sex was for me.
Rape is a strong word and i would never want to minimise anyone's experience but how else do you describe non consensual sex. When I asked him to find another word to describe it he couldn't Hmm
Teenagers nowadays are taught so much about consent or lack of and the potent consequences. Of course these rules apply as much in a relationship as an encounter. We were far from teenagers btw, but since we both have teenagers and would expect them to be aware, why was he not?

Danceintherain2015 · 02/12/2015 13:22

The lying - and denying ! And knowing they are out with someone else and then come home to play " happy families with you !
I'd rather know at the outset - do the honest thing !
Oh and that he let me waste another year of my life after he admitted not being happy then begged me to stay and try harder , whilst fucking off to meet her in her country ! ( leaving me at home to keep the fort) and trying!
All of it really! 😀

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 02/12/2015 13:30

The humiliation. I found out right before my wedding ( years ago I was young ) as in too late to cancel. Everyone knew. It came out very loudly thanks to the girl involved and the big love bites and claw marks on that bastard. I never turned up for the wedding. He said it cost him 18000 in payments he couldn't get back but small comfort for the humiliating experience of it.

Baconyum · 02/12/2015 13:35

I also made ex well aware of my concerns regarding sexual health.

I'm furious and disgusted that not only was this a betrayal but he could potentially have orphaned out child with his disregard to this!

StarkyTheDirewolf · 02/12/2015 14:41

The abject humiliation, the Russian roulette he played with my sexual health, the hell he played with my mental health. The fact that, even years on, the "relationship" and the memories and fallout from it still have the power to affect me.

Elendon · 02/12/2015 15:23

It was being told that the last twenty years were all a lie, but it wasn't going to affect his relationship with his children and that he hoped one day they would be mature and adult enough to understand.

experiencedhider · 02/12/2015 15:35

Many of the above, but also being subjected to his mood swings about the affair without knowing what was going on. E.g. grumpy if they'd had a row, sad if he hadn't heard from her, weirdly happy for (to me) no apparent reason. It makes me so angry to think I was made to take all of that on when it was nothing to do with me. I haven't explained that well but hopefully it makes some sense.

Elendon · 02/12/2015 15:44

It makes perfect sense experienced.

notarehearsal · 02/12/2015 16:00

Mood swings for me when he wrecked a much wanted holiday with the dc. I had absolutely no idea what was going on and recall asking if something was wrong many times. He was obviously pining for her

CeliaSeal · 02/12/2015 16:03

I am still reeling from the discovery that my husband had an affair. I just found out on Sunday. Some of the worst things have been knowing that he lied for months, concocting a story that I believed completely (until it all came crashing down). He also planned his meetings with the other woman in great detail, choosing days and times with care. It wasn't a one-off situation of him getting drunk and carried away (I'm sure that would be awful as well, but I might be more prepared to forgive such a thing). He plotted and planned for months. There is something so hurtful about knowing how calculated his approach was.

I also can't believe I have found myself in such a cliched situation. Everything he has said since I discovered the truth sounds like the dialogue from a bad soap opera. We have been together for almost 20 years, I never had any inkling that he would do something like this. I truly thought I could trust him. (More cliches.) Where do we go from here? I have no idea.

Andrise · 02/12/2015 16:36

YY to the feeling raped. How can you use another person like that, much less one you profess to love? I'll never get my head round that.

Also, the feeling that my entire life was a waste. My exH cheated for at least 17 years of the 20+ we were together (probably more I suspect). The first time he will fess up to was when my high needs oldest child was a baby who never slept (exH never ever got up because he "needed his sleep") and I was working like a dog in a more than full time career trying to hold everything together. Basically the whole time we were together he was off fucking around and then coming back home and being shitty to me. Everything I look back on is tainted by the realisation that the life I thought I was living was in fact complete and utter bollocks.

Original poster
MadeofCheese · 02/12/2015 16:37

I am so, so, so sorry to the people who had this after many years of marriage. It happenned to me with a relatively new relationship (but someone I did trust and know well) and I can't fathom the kind of pain and shock to have this from a life partner.

I'm amazed and staggerred by the selfishness and cokwaddery of the type of human being capable of causing that sort of pain to someone they had spent a lifetime with - or actually even to a stranger.

Really glad you all understood what I eant about feeling dirty and violated. And he's telling me not to cheapen it! I read through the pages of apologies that are all "me, me, me" and realise this person doesn't really observe me as an acual human being.

The thought of the way i cooked him dinner the night after he'd slept with her, and he had hugged and kissed and made love to me for hours. I am just so creeped out and disgusted that he took those minutes and moments away from me against my will and without my consent.

People can be so disgusting.

Huge hugs of support to the rest of you. Betrayal is shit.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/12/2015 17:03

I can't fathom the kind of pain and shock to have this from a life partner

Trust me, you don't want to; what you're going through is hideous enough as it is

And asking you not to "cheapen it"? Please tell me he's not referring to the sex he had with someone else??

Original poster
MadeofCheese · 02/12/2015 17:06

No he was referring to what "we" had, although he seems loath for me to cheapen his sex with miss scrotum face as well as it was special with both of us apparently.

My favourite line out of his mouth though was "don't think less of yourself".

Honestly.

OP posts:
ExploraDora · 02/12/2015 17:07

Realising that everyone else knew, even my close friends (well, I thought they were), and that people were either pitying me or laughing at me. Yes, me, the silly woman who really believed he was working overtime or was on a stag do or had taken up running. Because what sort of idiot trusts their partner of almost a decade? Only an idiot, it seems
The relationship was failing anyway - I can see that now - but the friendships I lost and that sense of everyone knowing when I didn't is what has stayed with me. I haven't got any close friends, 12 years later.

StopLaughingDrRoss · 02/12/2015 17:36

For me, it was the fact I never saw it coming whatsoever. . No problems or arguments, a healthy sex life, fun family times, multiple protestations of love every day etc

I felt like I knew nothing - my reality had been completely stripped from me and I just didn't understand anything anymore!

Since he walked out almost three years ago, it's been how he relishes using my DC as weapons as he knows they're my Achilles heel and I'll do anything to protect them Sad Just reinforces how I never knew him at all and not sure how I can ever trust like that again...