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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The worst bit of being cheated on?

136 replies

MadeofCheese · 02/12/2015 12:34

For me, the worst bit is that he knew he'd done it and was still doing it and he continued to have sex with me, while I was blissfully unaware. I feel very violated phyically by that part.

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 02/12/2015 17:43

One of the worst things for me was my wife wedding ring.

She had been having an affair with someone she worked with. I'd call her at lunch, our lunches were both at 1pm. Sometimes she wouldn't answer and I'd get a txt saying shed left her phone in her drawer or shed popped to tesco. I found out eventually that actually shed been with a colleague and evertime she didn't answer was because she was with him.

Obviously shed been lying, sleeping with me too etc. All the things that go with cheating. But the one thing I couldn't get past, the thing that didnmy head in the most was knowing that her wedding band had touched another man's cock. What an odd thing to get hung up on.

CwtchMeQuick · 02/12/2015 17:45

For me, it was feeling like I was going mad. I found out about 2 months after we'd split that he was with the woman who I'd suspected as being the other woman. I actually felt a sense of relief when I found out. I wasnt crazy, I wasn't paranoid. But the man who I loved made me feel like I was. I knew him inside out, I knew the second he came back from deployment that something was different. And he still tried to convince me otherwise. The fact that he could so easily lie to my face cuts like a knife.

But I consider myself lucky that when this happened, he'd been on deployment for 7 months and I was reasonably used to functioning without him day to day.

enderwoman · 02/12/2015 17:46

The worst bit for me was falling into the trap of thinking what was wrong with me which is bullshit because I didn't make him stick his cock into her.

NickiFury · 02/12/2015 17:57

He had ex with prostitutes and well pretty much anyone who was up for it and then had sex with me while I was pregnant with our children. He risked them too. I shake with rage when I think about that.

Baconyum · 02/12/2015 17:58

Bad enough if 'friends' know. Only one person I thought was a friend knew - one he was shagging! She'd been one of the first people I confided in when I first suspected too! So gaslighted by TWO people - and betrayed of course! She actually said to me 'bacon if he was screwing around on you he'd have me as well as you to deal with!' Ha!!

Despite blatant evidence including a pregnancy (tried to claim premature birth) it also took 7 years AFTER we split till he admitted it!

Re wedding ring - I get that totally! I got hung up on the fact there was a picture of me and our dd on his wallet...which I later discovered a pic of ow hidden behind sickening and infuriating!

Baconyum · 02/12/2015 17:59

Nicki cases like yours I think should be prosecutable!

Shinyhappypeople9 · 02/12/2015 18:02

The Months and months of pain afterwards.

TooSassy · 02/12/2015 18:38

That he came home and kissed me/ the DC's with that mouth

That he chose to spend time cheating instead of picking kids up from school/ going to their sports things (always too busy)

That the mood sucking dementor I spent weekends with was in a shitty mood because he wanted to be elsewhere.

That he spent our money pursuing a lifestyle that a married man with a family simply shouldn't have.

That he lied for years (how long I actually don't know). That he tried to make me feel that the problem in the marriage was me. That he took so many valuable years from me. That he would have taken many more years from me whilst he had his fun.

That his actions have caused our life to implode.
Lying, cheating piece of filth.

Cabrinha · 02/12/2015 18:45

Another one here for the prostitute club Confused

  1. Agree with the PPs re health! I was disgusted he put me at risk like that
  1. The sheer fucking pointlessness of it - he didn't even "fall in love" or get bored / tempted. He just always shagged prostitutes
  1. The lying. He lied to the very end. I'm divorcing you and I've moved out - just stop lying you git
Joysmum · 02/12/2015 18:52

The worth thing if that they make you doubt yourself, make you feel guilty for doubting them, make you believe you're going mad.

Luckily this was a past partner, not DH.

Original poster
MadeofCheese · 02/12/2015 18:55

I can understand the wedding ring thing very well seeyounearerthetime

So why do they do it?

Presuming it's not for love or for something they aren't getting off you.

Variety?

Ego?

The feel of something new??

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 02/12/2015 19:03

My wife's reason was boredom.
We'd been together 4 years ish and married 6 months, that was long enough to get bored with me. This, she felt, justified the affair.
I believe it was more to do with her feeling flattered by a younger guy, though we were only 30 at the time.

Baconyum · 02/12/2015 19:26

I was never given a reason as such. But certainly I was criticised:

For being overweight (size 14)

No longer being fun (2 yr old dd, sahm, he was of the opinion that after dd was born that it was a case of just behaving as before with the addition of getting a babysitter sometimes. Except we couldn't always afford a babysitter and he thought it was acceptable to have complete strangers who'd never met dd!! At a few hours notice!)

I was a nag (because I expected him not to be out every weekend all weekend inc days, because I expected a little support with dd and home)

CeliaSeal · 02/12/2015 19:26

Why do they do it? In my husband's case, I think he enjoyed the flattery (a much younger woman was interested in him). But it was also down to selfishness and a sense of entitlement. He did it because he could and he thought I would never find out. It wasn't a grand passion, just a sordid affair. If he had fallen in love with someone else, I think that would somehow be less painful for me than his meaningless fling for no good reason.

I only discovered his affair three days ago. It is still so new and intensely painful.

Baconyum · 02/12/2015 19:29

Celia i do hope you're following all the usual Mn advice re protecting yourself financially? My ex's first act as an nrp was to empty the joint bank account!

Also sleep when and however you can at this point, if you don't feel up to eating much soup and meal shakes or similar are handy.

Please take care and know you and dc WILL get through this.

Original poster
MadeofCheese · 02/12/2015 19:36

He told me he just wanted to see what it was like!

OP posts:
CeliaSeal · 02/12/2015 19:42

Thank you, Bacon. It's such an odd experience to read for years on MN about "the script" and then see it played out in one's own life. Sad

Sleep has definitely been elusive. I wish I could escape into sleep.

Chocolate123 · 02/12/2015 19:53

Spending time in a hotel with her while I was at home taking care of his kids. Then coming home playing happy families. Then when I found out trying to make me feel like a crazy woman that it was in my head. Years later he still tries to do that!!

Joy69 · 02/12/2015 19:55

My stbxh had an affair for 3.5 years & I didn't have a clue. Obviously it was all my fault???? He went out EVERY weekend with 'the lads' & was a grumpy pig the rest of the time. I thought he was working too hard, as he had mountains of paperwork to do every new....Wrong! He was seeing her in the day.
Getting myself checked at the gum clinic was devastating, although I have to say the staff were lovely (seen it all before).
The good news is we will all feel better soon. We will get over these idiots & laugh at them as they repeat their usual patterns.
Feel better all ready Grin

Joy69 · 02/12/2015 19:56

Night, not new

Baconyum · 02/12/2015 19:59

Celia it's all very raw for you still. Sleep will come eventually. The only way I could sleep was on sofa in front of TV as couldn't face being in marital bed.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/12/2015 20:00

My favourite line out of his mouth though was "don't think less of yourself"

Charming Angry And he didn't want you to cheapen what the two of you had? I'd say the twat did that all by himself ...

Also agree about the devastation of the GUM clinic, Joy69 Yes the staff were fantastic - in fact they couldn't have been better - but just to have to walk through that door ... I didn't expect to be doing that after 3 years Sad

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/12/2015 20:02

36 years, not 3. Makes it even worse, somehow ...

IronGolem · 02/12/2015 20:15

I found out 3 months ago. One of the worst parts is all the memories I have of the past 4 years, with the DCs being young, holidays we had, stuff we did together - it's all tainted now. And of course the future we planned is trashed now too.

wallywobbles · 02/12/2015 20:16

I wasn't told until after we were divorced. And even then he didn't admit to it all. So while lots of things suddenly made sense I still had the nagging feeling that things still didn't fully add up.

Randomly a year later he admitted to the rest.

Going back over our life together and rewriting it all with the new knowledge was grim and meant getting over it 3 times.

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