The worst bit of being cheated on?

[MadeofCheese]

For me, the worst bit is that he knew he'd done it and was still doing it and he continued to have sex with me, while I was blissfully unaware. I feel very violated phyically by that part.

It's the realisation that the world you thought you had had tilted on its axis and that nothing would ever be the same again. The depths of deception is staggering and the self righteous indignation at him having been caught out with the immortal line 'I didn't think you would ever find out'. Stunningly stupid of him and even more so that he thought I was stupid.

The veneer of civilisation is very thin on some of the animals behaviours:-(

The worst is the betrayal in every sense. For me the lying and hiding is the less hurtful because he has done even worse:

• organizing playdates with her very often so I needed to see him drooling all over, treating my DS as a second class child when her daughter was there.
• When he asked for separation he threw me to her arms for comfort, just to add to he humiliation
• Today, he keeps denying, they have played the 'we are not talking anymore' card so many times to just being caught texting time after time and they keep pretending not to talk to each other at social events (kids birthdays where we meet). All the theater after he asked for a divorce 5 months ago is insulting.

Yes, that was the absolute worst thing. When I first suspected, I did the worst thing .. the Pick Me Dance .. Mainly to see what he would. I iniatiated sex, of course he didn't decline. Then after, I said, now you can't have s ex with 2 women. He looked at me as though, what are you talking about. He didn't know I suspected.. He didn't admit til another 2 and half months. I felt so dirty, I cried about what I had just done.

Oh yes, sitting in the clinic waiting for test, bawling eyes out. Nurse says, 'hi! how are you'. I reply, good thanks. How humiliating. Well, list could go on, and on.

We were going through a bad patch, but his admitting it was devastating. He was abroad for work and refused to come home and the last straw was him repeating a joke someone had told him - like this was just another ordinary day. I can only thank God that he had been avoiding my bed for more than a year at that point and I didn't have to worry about catching something horrendous.

I can now say that I am healthier and happier than I was for the last few years with him, but I would never trust a man again. My lack of trust was not helped along the way by two married male friends both suggesting we could have a 'nice time' without their wives knowing

If you haven't been through a divorce, you really have no idea how devastating it is. Six years on, and I don't feel anything except contempt for the way he treated DD2 and is now treating DD1. He lives abroad - and I lived for 30+ years in an area I disliked because he could not live anywhere else. Thankfully, I escaped from there during the divorce and am happily settled elsewhere.

For me it was him risking my physical and mental health. He knew I had been in very dark places before and I had self injured and been suicidal for long periods of time. He was risking all of that happening again.

Having all of my happy memories tainted. He lied to me at the very start about the sort of man he was so my memories of our entire relationship from when we were courting to past our Silver Wedding anniversary are ruined for me. Not just of the two of us but my memories of the special times we had with our children too. DC2 is seventeen and he has been a cheat for her entire life and from when DC1, twenty two, was a baby if not earlier.

Seeing my daughter absolutely crying her eyes out on numerous occasions.

Thinking our little love and respect he must have had for me to have cheated on me for over twenty years. A lack of respect that included an affair with our next door neighbour who I was friendly with.

Finding out he had bragged to some of his friends about his exploits like he was proud of having cheated on me. The humiliation of knowing that people knew what he was like but no-one told me.

Making me feel dirty by having to get tested for STDs. Knowing that he'd kissed me, touched me, told me he loved me while he'd been having women on the side at the same time.

Looking me in the eye and denying any wrong doing and being so bloody convincing about it when I knew he was lying. Implying it was all my fault and making me doubt myself.

Him moving on so bloody quickly like I didn't mean anything to him.

The utter humiliation and the feeling that I was conned somehow. He gave me everything I'd ever wanted and we were so blissfully happy - engaged, buying a house, trying for a baby, told each other how much we loved each other every day. I thought we had it all and i literally glowed - I was so happy and proud.

Then he cheated and left me for someone else totally out of the blue. I still cant believe it even now - 18 months on. It has shaken my very core - my judgement, trust, everything shattered. The break up was awful - he was so cold and acted like I had imagined the whole thing and he never had been in love with me. And he has never ever spoken to me since. Brutal.

(Hope this doesnt sound too overdramatic! The whole thing has really fucked me up )

It's so awful reading these stories :( what is wrong with them? Missing a gene or something?

Not sure on men these days. Since becoming single 2 men, one with a partner & one with a wife have been trying to get friendly. The married one tells me he doesn't know why I won't meet up as his
wife will never know!!! Bastard!

MadeofCheese No, not missing a Gene.

It's that selfish gene to further your genes;!

Actually, having thought about it further, I think the absolute worst thing is the waste of my life and the destruction of my self-belief. The knowledge that I was never loved and that all my youth was wasted with someone who didn't really even like me. Now I'll never have the experience of being loved by a decent man and having a happy family.

I hate him and hope he dies alone in a ditch, but I hate myself more for being so stupid as to be deceived by him not just once, but for over twenty years. That says so much about my credulous nature. I don't ever want another relationship as my experience of being in one is so shitty, but even if I did, I'd never trust my own judgment again.

hollieberrie

andrise likewise

Words fail me.
Andrise for my situation, the way I am coping is to focus on what we did have that was really really good for a while. And I was blissfully happy for at least 6 to 7 years that we were together. We have beautiful DC's together.
The reality is that he could have been cheating all along for the whole time we were together. I refuse to focus on that. I instead focus on what we did have and our children. I try and hold onto the positives so I can move forward.

I cannot let one man destroy my faith in humankind. Because for everyone of these people I remain clear that there are also many like you and me. To whom this sort of behaviour is abhorrent. They are out there.

He just disappeared out of my life at a time my DF was dying. Things hadn't been that great between us but I thought we had basic care and respect between us. He knew what i was going through at the time with my DF and knew his disappearance would rock my world, but rather than end our relationship and have to cope with a few tears from me, he just went.

And surprise, surprise he went to a woman who is almost identical to me in terms of being able to put a very nice roof over his head. I don't blame her at all - pretty sure she knew nothing about me. But him - I despise the tosser. Just wish I could let go of the hurt; wish they didn't keep popping up in my thoughts 3 years after the event, but they do.

for all who've been through born are going through the shit.

Just wanted to add that it's been 5 years or so since my wife cheated. We got divorced. I haven't spoken to her for a long time. I now have a lovely GF and gorgeous 2.6yo DD.
From the shit has grown a rose.

Of anyone ever figures out why people cheat I think they'll make a fortune. I doubt it would ever cross my mind too, like I can't think of a possible situation where 5 minutes of shagging is worth chucking away a life with the person I love tbh.

Maybe they think they'll never get caught? Maybe it's the thought of getting caught? Maybe it's them being selfish cock sockets? Maybe it's being mentally weak and falling for other people's BS flattery? Or a mix of them all?

Whatever the case, its too early to think about it properly, time for coffee and cake

Joy69 and others: since you've been on the receiving end, thay must hurt doubly.

Are you going to tell the wives of these so-called "men"?

The thing is, even if they never get caught...they have to lay there night after night next to you - knowing they have betrayed you. I can't understand a person who would voluntarily choose that for themselves.

What proportion of relationships and marriages does this happen in? It feels like an awful lot and makes me very scared to attach to someone again.

For me this was my first time being overtly cheated on, and it was a relatively new relationship but I do know hollie how it feels almost to go through what you did.

I was engaged once too, and lived with him, and he also disappeared without me knowing there was any problem. I was blindsided like you were. Not sure if he was cheating or not but afterwards I found him on numerous dating sites as well as with Adultwork etc. on the internet history with him Googling the addresses of various prossies. I can safely say we had a rip roaringly excellent sex life where he could not have wanted for anything and all his emotional needs were catered to. He told me he could not be happier - in fact he proposed - so I can't figure what goes through these people's heads.

I think abandonment like that is such a shock to deal with it and so complicated to understand the cowardice and fakeness of some people and the mask they can wear for years. Sorry you went through it too. it certainly coloured my life.

I'm trying to learn to trust again, but it's hard with all these stories

Read an email to his mistress in which he apologised to her for having unprotected sex with her and exposing her to the risk of STDs. How thoughtful of him to be thinking about her health. (Presumably he would have got those potential STDs from another one of his partners, as he knew I was clean.)

What bothers me most is that he was going round telling people how horrible I was to him, and they believed him. That he made me feel I was being horrible, when actually he was being disgusting. And that he received and sent messages to this woman in front of my face, when I guessed what might be going on but was not sure. The total disrespect for what I might feel.

I'm trying to learn to trust again, but it's hard with all these stories

Thing is, this thread is all about these stories.
This whole site is more or less about negative aspects of life isn't it? Not often you see threads like:
"My life is perfect and I couldn't be happier"
"I love my MIL"
"AIBU for being happy with everything right now?"
Etc etc.

MadeofCheese & Seeyounearertime Very good point its human nature to grumble a bit, male and female.

I ask you this.

What do you remember more the 364 times your car started and did what you wanted of it.

Or the One time it didn't start one morning?.

Now which?.

For me......it is the damage he has caused to our children.
His guilt from seeing prostitutes led him to have a mental breakdown during which he attempted suicide in front of them...two years later I am still struggling with 12 year old dd who has PTSD from witnessing it all.

Myself....don't think I could have another relationship as I could never trust anyone again.