The worst bit of being cheated on?

[MadeofCheese]

For me, the worst bit is that he knew he'd done it and was still doing it and he continued to have sex with me, while I was blissfully unaware. I feel very violated phyically by that part.

After my XH left me for the OW when I was 12 weeks pregnant with our third child, I will never trust anyone again.

For me it was that it messed me up for so long I nearly missed the boat on having children. I met now DH in the nick of time though I had to have fertility treatment due to my age. Fortunately it worked.

Interesting that so many of us have commented on how the hell they could go on living / sleeping / generally interacting with us with a straight face on a daily basis, knowing what they're doing

Personally it's a mystery to me quite how they manage to live with themselves

For me, and I'm looking back on this with 10 years of hindsight now, it was the way I felt humiliated personally by it that was worst. I suppose it's a certain kind of self-blame, but I felt like it made me inadequate, a failure. This was something that someone else had blatantly done to me against my wishes, and yet I saw it as an indication of something that was wrong with me.

I think it taught me how deeply I'd internalised some quite misogynistic ideas about femininity.

Myself....don't think I could have another relationship as I could never trust anyone again

This is exactly how I feel.

Also very new to being on my own, just taking a day at a time for now. I also have found this Joy, since seperating I have had 'offers' from married men. What the fuck are they thinking.... oh poor her, she is single now and isnt getting any, I think I will pop round and sort her out, do her a big favour. I am going to have no friends left at this rate as I am shutting my friends out of my life because of their arsehole husbands. I need my friends and support, but why for the love of god, do men think that sex is the bee all and end all of everything in life. In fact, if I never have sex again in my life, I won't be too upset.....

I have already lost a few friends, whilst on this subject. I don't know why, but I think its because I am seperated now, and, I suppose..am available?? One particular friends' husband is a plumber. My main pipe burst so, being one of our friends, I called him to help me and repair the pipe. His wife, my friend, is not speaking to me now. I think she thinks that I must have purposely taken a hammer to my pipe to get him around here to get his kit off him. FFS. I am so upset about this.

I think you're all missing the BEST bit of being cheated on; a chance for freedom and a fresh start.

And the cheat always loses more by definition; in my case I got shot of a sexually and financially incontinent (and pretty thick) liar. He lost me - a faithful, financially careful and caring partner.

If I hadn't caught him cheating (in many seedy ways) I would still be there, picking his socks up, listening to his whining about work, etc.

As another point - if I hadn't 'broken his trust' by snooping on his computer, I might still be trapped in a life of misery, with him crying piteously every time I wanted things to change.

So - hurrah for cheats - it's all about me from now on.

Loves

I hope to think like that sometime soon....

Yes to the never seeing it coming. I knew we were having problems but I never in a million years thought he'd cheat on me, in my own bed. The first words out of my mouth when I found them was "oh my god, you must hate me" because it seemed to uneccessarily calculated and cruel, like they'd planned it to be as bad as it possibly could be on me.

But the absolute worst thing was the effect on DS. I felt, and still feel, that exP and OW destroyed our family. He'll always be an only child, which I never wanted for him. Our financial situation is worse. He never gets to spent time with both his parents at once. A few days after exP left, he had a total meltdown and cried like he was in actual pain, like a little wounded animal. And exP left us and immediately moved in with OW and her two small kids, which really felt like a rejection of both me AND DS. It wasn't like he didn't want the family life...he just didn't want it with us.

However, having said all that we're actually doing OK, 3.5 years on. I am dating and having fun with it (though I am way needier and less trusting than I used to be) and DS is happy and healthy. ExP and I are on friendly-ish terms. I'll never forgive him but we're able to talk about DS without me wanting to scratch his eyes out

Yy to losing out re kids. I have dd but would have loved more which makes fact he and wife 2 have 3 and are planning a 4th (but he never sees dd and bitches about paying maintenance) is very hurtful.

Oh, another BEST bit. I had always been loyal to the ex, but when he got his mum (yes, he was 40 and he got his mum) to phone me to say 'You are not being nice to cockweasel', I could stop being loyal.

I told her about the prostitues, the swinging, the dogging, the bullying his employees to send him naked pics, and told her I'd be ashamed of any son of mine that did that.

There was a pause. 'One has to love one's children, but one doesn't have to like them' she said.

I didn't hear from her again. I'm sure the ex heard.

I'm going to be positive here, and I hope it helps some people. I was with ExH for 20 years and I'm pretty sure that he cheated on me the entire time. Of course I didn't know back then, although now that I think back, there were so many obvious signs (but I was very young and silly, and I trusted him). I gave him 2 wonderful children and I was a really good wife. I can't imagine why he did it. He tried it on with every female in my life (and many more besides). I think he cheated with over 10 women. He certainly cheated with my "best friend" (now ex BF). But I'll never know the full truth.

Anyway, I left and I decided that I would not let him ruin my life going forward, and that I would trust again. It wasn't easy! But I did. And I am now married to the most wonderful man, who I know would never cheat, he's just cut from completely different cloth to ExH.

As for the ExH, he had a few flings after I left. Then he got serious with someone. She moved in. He got bored and starting cheating again. Now she's left him. I knew this would happen. So, he is almost 50 and all alone.

You would think that I would say "HA". But I don't. I'm just so sad for him. The cheater (I think) usually ends up alone. And the person cheated on, if they can trust again, will most likely remarry and have a happy life. So, please don't write love off. There are many good people out there.

The fact that I was pregnant and he was having un protected sex with other women, one of whom had meningitis which he gave to me. My DD almost died because of it and spent the first 2 weeks of her life in an incubator. If I ever saw him again I actually think I would kill him.

:( these stories are awful.

I am not suprised some can't trust again.

I am at the point, to be honest, where I am on the fence about ever dating again.

Having love and a relationship would be lovely; but people are so disloyal, and liars and they leave.

I am giving thought to putting that part of life aside and focusing on my wonderful friends and family.

Do you think it can be a fully happy and fulfilling life to make that choice?

I was 34 when I got married, so was not naive and had, ahem, some experience with men. My husband was the only man I ever trusted. I thought I was so smart and so lucky marrying him. He adored me. It's seven months out, and sometimes I still can't believe he had an 18-month affair with on OW and some physical contact and massively inappropriate texting for YEARS with another. It was a total violation of everything I understood. I can't say right now I'll never trust someone again, but that trust for him was hard for me. It's hard to conceive of how I'll ever get there again. Hugs to all of you posting on here.

the cheat always loses more by definition

I wish that were true. Mine came out with a hot young wife, a massive amount of equity, a bunch of kids, and all his friendships intact. Me? Well I suppose I got the moral high ground. Not much consolation when your life is in tatters.

I'm nearly four weeks in to finding out about the affair and him running to move in with OW.He left me with 5 year old DS and 8 year old DD. For me it's the constant disbelief that the person you should be able to trust more than anything deliberately hurt me so much. How did someone change so much or were they like that all the time? I can't separate the good bits from the bad bits, every memory is tainted.

Our marriage was very shaky, he could of left at any time but he did this instead. We could of been amicable shared parents. Now looking at him makes me feel sick and I will never trust someone like that again.

It's been hard reading this thread because it's thrown up so many old feelings. I can particularly relate to the feeling of violation when I found out I'd had sex with him after he'd been with OW. But for me, I think perhaps the worst part was the future we'd planned together just vanished in an instant. It felt like the end of the world. I used to daydream all the time about the future - houses we'd build, holidays we'd go on, that sort of thing. Now, 3 years on, I think I'm largely over it but it's left me unable to think or plan more than a few months ahead.

How many feel deep down its affected your self worth?

I know logically it makes no sense to feel that way....but people I trusted letting me down has left me feeling there's something wrong with me

It did for a while, Cheese. Not so much these days. Finding a very hot man and getting laid certainly had a bit to do with it! ;-)

I blamed myself for a while, but had a stern talking to from a man from a forum who gave me the kick I needed to start looking after me.

Then, although I'm in my dotage, I found a nice man. Still with him 3yrs on. He wants more but I'm cautious. I do feel loved. And I love myself a lot more now I haven't got the serpent of lies in my house, hissing nasties in my ear.

Life is so much better now; if I could turn back the clock and erase my ex's cheating, I wouldn't.

Hugs to you all ladies - don't let the fuckers dictate your future as well as screwing your past!

I'm another who had a shit childhood and so didn't trust easily anyway. He knew this! Makes it even more despicable IMO. Every man in my life had let me down. While I'm bi anyway I don't trust anyone easily. A friend of mine just discovered her partner (female) has been cheating on her for a year. Sadly cheating not the preserve of heteros.

For me it was the mental cruelty. He made me feel like I was fucking insane because my instincts were telling me something was very wrong. Put me down at every opportunity and belittled me. Like he was trying to justify to himself his reasons for cheating. Worse thing was we were trying for a baby at the time. I thank fuck that didn't happen!
Got a fb message off the twat 8 years later (when I was very happy and very pregnant) apologizing for everything. Turned out his wife had left him for another man whom she was pregnant to. Karma is a bitch.

I agree with others, in so much as its when you've had an 'inkling' that something is not right, but you are 'gas lighted' or just generally told " it's you and to do with your past, that's why you don't trust me". Only to then find out that YOU were right all along. It mess's with so many emotions!

I've just found out that ex has had a 11 week relationship (whilst still trying to keep in contact with me and declaring ' I'd be back if we could sort it' (like fuck!) To finding out he's now engaged- I pity her.. But who knows, she may be the 'one' .

justaboy I agree- I worked in retail for many years and it's true, you always remembered the 'wanker' of the day as opposed to the nice folk!

Having said that, there's less emotional investment with clients, so less impact.