I can't seem to move on

[citybumpkin]

It has been over 18 months since my DP left me and I still can't seem to move on. We had been together for 8 and a half years and he was the love of my life. Our relationship was far from perfect (who's is?). When we met (and throughout) he was a workaholic with little time for our relationship. Two years in, I wanted to marry/have kids with him but he refused. One day I just burst into tears and was comforted by a male colleague. I was lonely and feeling neglected and unfortunately we had several flirty conversations. Completely wrong and the ex found out (after hacking into my computer as I was seemingly behaving differently - I went on a night out with friends). We got over this or so I thought.

Fast forward several years, the relationship was going ok, not perfect, he was still working ridiculous hours and I was looking after our home, dogs, families. I did wonder over time about him working away so much and all the late nights but trusted him implicitly. He reached the age of 40 and had a week's worth of benders with friends - one of them being a night out with a female colleague. I thought nothing of this... Then in April last year he said he wanted he needed space. We talked and argued. He refused to attend Relate with me. I tried to be grown up, even though I was falling apart, and said he should leave. One week later, we met up and he said it was definitely over. I was heartbroken.

In the months that followed, I emailed/phoned/texted wanting answers and wanting him back. The abuse that was hurled at me was horrific - I still have visions of the words "slut slut slut" on my phone as he constantly texted/accused me. I discovered a few months after this that he had someone else. In fact the same someone else that he had enjoyed a birthday night out with. At that time she was married with a 4 year old and a 3 month old baby. They had both cheated on their respective exes.

Recently I have wondered what exactly happened. I know the OW had just moved house with her husband so i take it the husband was forced to move out and my ex moved in immediately. So many questions...including how can this be a good foundation for a relationship? Two cheaters. Apparently she was advising my ex on the relationship with me and then lo and behold she cheats on her husband?! Did the OW and her husband have a child to "fix" their relationship? Sorry but all of this is wrong. I find it all so hypocritical and contradictory. I don't feel hatred towards my ex or the OW, I would actually just like answers and for them to be completely honest with all around them, children included. I am sure as hell she didn't tell her husband that she cheated on him, just as my ex lied to me and referred to me as the slut.

I suppose I will never get answers and I will eternally be left feeling the bad party. Towards the end of our relationship I discovered that I was being overly maternal, domesticity had turned into nesting, and initiated fertility testing (I was 38 at the time). I wanted us to have a family. Now this is all lost. I feel that I wasted years on the relationship with him. That I now will not be able to have the family I desired all those years ago.

Sorry for short reply on phone but have you ever thought that you're wasting so much time in thinking about where this relationship went wrong that it's stopping you from meeting someone else. If you dream of a family it's not necessarily too late to meet someone and make it happen.

Also it's a case of what if, of course, but would he really have made a good father if he was a workaholic and called you a slut?

I know re the wasting my time thinking but after all the abuse that was hurled at me its sometimes difficult to think that actually Im a nice person. I got it from both him and his mother. I just get into cycles of doubting my own behaviour. Difficult when you've spent so long with someone and you've altered your behaviour for them etc.

He is obviously a step father now to the OWs kids. Still has his own business and the OW left a good job to work with him. I can't say whats actually going on there?! No contact with the ex for well over a year. He wanted to be friends but I just couldn't face it.

Oh ffs. I was in a rush on Friday, texted my OH a quick "love you xxx" whilst driving. Sent it to the ex by mistake (theyre next to each other alphabetically in my contacts, yes I really should delete the ex). Perhaps this was subconscious?! Who knows? Anyway the ex has just texted back saying "how are you? Been wondering all weekend if this was meant for me." Theres been no contact for well over a year. Help!

Don't reply and delete number!!

Bloody hell. He sounds like a total wanker - right the way through, not just at the end. Yuk yuk YUK.

You sound traumatised - probably why you're trying to sort it all out in your head. All the ins and outs are none of your business (sorry) - a lot of skanky things happened around a askanky man.

I do think a bit of therapy would help you leave this behind and make the transition into the future. You are grieving a loss - a number of losses - and need some help.

Yes well, as said I still feel like its all my fault ie shouldnt have flirted with another guy all those years ago. I paid the price for that - being controlled. So much negativity but some days I miss him even though Ive moved on. I suppose I now doubt my own character and behaviour. I went to over a years worth of counselling with Relate. He refused to go. They said if he did turn up they would have to see us separately due to potential abuse issues. I just can't get over how quickly he moved on. Things werent amazing as he worked so much and I was left on my own looking after his sick dog, my dog and respective families. I was there for him. What hurt was during his leaving speech he said he was lonely. I was the one very much alone evenings and weekends. He was surrounded by colleagues - it was his choice to work so much. He began his speech by saying he loved our little life but yet a few months later he had moved in with the OW?! Am I still in shock?

I now have someone else. He is aware of everythinh that happened and how I feel now. Hes extremely supportive. I wanted a child with the ex and am now trying with the new guy. I'm 39 and think it may be too late.

Btw I changed my phone number after we split up (after my alleged affair he made me have a phone connected to his business so he could monitor my phone usage). So how does he know that its me?

If you any reason you need to keep his number, change his contact name to "ZZ Fuckface Wankpants" - he'll then be at the bottom of your contact list so you won't have to keep seeing him, or risk this happening again. (Unless your current partner's name is Zachariah, in which case change the ex's name to AA Fuckface Wankpants" )

I would imagine he doesn't know for sure it was you, but sent the reply back as it could have been from a number of potential women.

bumpkin, I have a friend in the exact same position as you, just fast forward 2 years. As she puts it, she wasted her prime years with her ex DP. He ended up leaving her in her late 30's and she then spent 2 years trying to win him back as she was afraid at having to start again with someone new as she felt she was running out of time.

I am glad you have someone else as this is part of the process of moving on.

I can understand why you want answers, it's human nature to want to be able to explain and understand what happened. The issue with break ups like this is that often, the person leaving often lies to you and also sometimes lies to themselves as to why they wanted out. It makes it extremely hard as you are then try to reconcile what you know from what he has said, and also logic/knowledge of human psyche, to explain what happened.

My advice to you would be to try and stop trying to reconcile what happened, answers are hard to find and furthermore, what will they bring?

pocketsaviour - yes I did wonder whether it could be a generic response to any woman.

pipedown - I took longer to move on than him but still have those nagging questions about why he left and doubts about me as a person. Just had major crying session as to it all. Thanks for your support.

Ok I stupidly texted him back saying that perhaps I subconsciously meant to. He responded with a long text about how he wonders about me each day; how guilty he feels; how he has a different life now with different priorities etc etc. All I now feel is that I was never really a priority and how he didn't try. Oh and how he actually fucked off with someone else. The tone of his text is basically "absolve me from my guilt". All nicey nicey... Twisting things. He wasn't honest with me. All the time he was calling me a slut he was screwing someone else's wife ffs. And why the fuck do I still love him and miss him?
*apologies for sweariness - mindfuck overload

Since the text exchange my life has been thrown upside down. I just haven't stopped thinking about him. Even texted him on xmas eve to tell him I loved him. Obviously no response. I was doing okay until those texts and now all the self blame, pain, hurt is back with avengence. I just want him back.

He sounds like a total and utter knob. Do you seriously want someone back who cheated on you or are you worth more than that? Let him go and raise the bar. He will cheat on her too. Mark my words...

In his recent texts he basically says he didn't cheat. That he moved on alone. It just so happened that a few months after leaving me he is with someone else.

If you're still with the man you've referred to as your 'OH', the one who should have received the text you sent to your ex, have you been honest with him and are you still trying ttc a child with him?

Yes I've been honest with the OH. He is completely aware of the situation and the text exchange. He regards himself as polyamorous. TTC is on hold for a while as there is no possible way I would want to bring a child into the current situation. The ex has just thrown everything into the air. One text tells me his misses me but then goes on to emphasise his happiness. He thinks of me every day etc...

Well .. yeah - now he realises he can have it away with you on the side whilst living with his former mistress, talk about bonanza. Plus if she starts getting uppity and out of line he can at least threaten to leave her for you, using the texts as evidence of how you'd take him back like a shot.

Literally every minute of the relationship you describe with this man sounds shit. You never saw him when you were together. He hacked your computer. He monitored your phone. He held your extremely mild indiscretion over your head for the entire relationship. Somehow, despite him being the one who was cheating (possibly for the entire marriage, possibly 'just' with the OW) he made you feel that the marriage breakdown was your fault.

Why on earth are you questioning whether the way they got together is a good basis for a relationship? This has literally nothing to do with you. Don't you think you've allowed him to poison enough years of your life? What on earth do you imagine it would be like if you got back together? Being controlled by him, being reminded that he only left last time because of what you did, and walking on eggshells for the rest of your life desperately trying to prevent it?

You have some big problems with your self-esteem. Can you make 2016 the year you focus on sorting this out, instead of wasting your time on useless guys who just want to tear you down?

I didn't suffer from low self esteem previously and I'm going back to counselling in the new year.

The relationship wasn't perfect. We each had our faults. I can't help but cast aspersions on their relationship. Yes, I know its none of my business but I need to know why this really all happened. I still want the opportunity to discuss things. If we had had counselling then things may have been different. I would have him back.

You can help but cast aspersions on their relationship, you are choosing not to because you don't want to let go.

A guy who's done what he did is never going to have a frank and open conversation with you about why this all really happened, you are kidding yourself if you think that is a realistic possibility. So why not focus on putting something positive into your life, instead of wasting time on ancient history? How would counselling have prevented him being the sort of person who thinks it's okay to text the word slut dozens of times to his own wife?

Sorry just realised you weren't married, even though you wanted to get married. Own partner, then, rather than wife.

Op
I have to say I'm really confused by all of this. What stands out for me though is that your relationship was mostly in your head. It doesn't seem like a real two-way relationship at all. How can he be the love of your life when he didn't engage, participate or reciprocate?

You're equating a few flirty conversations that happened years ago with his infidelity? and blaming yourself? and you want him back? You're very over-invested in his life with the OW.

You need to move on and forget him.

But I made him say those words and resort to such actions. All my fault.

I do want him back. After reading countless posts on here it seems that there are far worse relationships out there. As said ours was nowhere nead perfect and if he had attended counselling with me things could have been different. We were engaged, committed. I just miss him very much.

We were engaged, committed.

Er, he was fucking someone else.

But I made him say those words and resort to such actions.

How exactly did you make him say those words? Do you really believe that? Because it's bullshit.

if he had attended counselling with me things could have been different.

Sounds like he didn't need to in order to wreck your head. Which is all that would have happened if he had.

Honestly - this guy will never make you happy because his life is only about making himself happy. If you want to spend the next 40 years pining for him and perhaps shagging him on the side whilst he gets on with building a life that doesn't involve you - go right ahead. But you will look back and wonder why the fuck you didn't make your own life and your own happiness.

I have no idea as to whether he was fucking someone else?! All I know is that he left me and a few months later he had moved in with another. We were together over 8 years. I was the one with the indiscretion. He had every right to check up on me. I am left wondering whether I did everything possible to make up for the flirting?! I know I'm giving this too much headspace but I still want him back in my life. I may have been unhappy at times when with him but I'm extremely unhappy now. Nights alone without him beside me, mornings of laughter, sharing moments...