I can't seem to move on

[citybumpkin]

It has been over 18 months since my DP left me and I still can't seem to move on. We had been together for 8 and a half years and he was the love of my life. Our relationship was far from perfect (who's is?). When we met (and throughout) he was a workaholic with little time for our relationship. Two years in, I wanted to marry/have kids with him but he refused. One day I just burst into tears and was comforted by a male colleague. I was lonely and feeling neglected and unfortunately we had several flirty conversations. Completely wrong and the ex found out (after hacking into my computer as I was seemingly behaving differently - I went on a night out with friends). We got over this or so I thought.

Fast forward several years, the relationship was going ok, not perfect, he was still working ridiculous hours and I was looking after our home, dogs, families. I did wonder over time about him working away so much and all the late nights but trusted him implicitly. He reached the age of 40 and had a week's worth of benders with friends - one of them being a night out with a female colleague. I thought nothing of this... Then in April last year he said he wanted he needed space. We talked and argued. He refused to attend Relate with me. I tried to be grown up, even though I was falling apart, and said he should leave. One week later, we met up and he said it was definitely over. I was heartbroken.

In the months that followed, I emailed/phoned/texted wanting answers and wanting him back. The abuse that was hurled at me was horrific - I still have visions of the words "slut slut slut" on my phone as he constantly texted/accused me. I discovered a few months after this that he had someone else. In fact the same someone else that he had enjoyed a birthday night out with. At that time she was married with a 4 year old and a 3 month old baby. They had both cheated on their respective exes.

Recently I have wondered what exactly happened. I know the OW had just moved house with her husband so i take it the husband was forced to move out and my ex moved in immediately. So many questions...including how can this be a good foundation for a relationship? Two cheaters. Apparently she was advising my ex on the relationship with me and then lo and behold she cheats on her husband?! Did the OW and her husband have a child to "fix" their relationship? Sorry but all of this is wrong. I find it all so hypocritical and contradictory. I don't feel hatred towards my ex or the OW, I would actually just like answers and for them to be completely honest with all around them, children included. I am sure as hell she didn't tell her husband that she cheated on him, just as my ex lied to me and referred to me as the slut.

I suppose I will never get answers and I will eternally be left feeling the bad party. Towards the end of our relationship I discovered that I was being overly maternal, domesticity had turned into nesting, and initiated fertility testing (I was 38 at the time). I wanted us to have a family. Now this is all lost. I feel that I wasted years on the relationship with him. That I now will not be able to have the family I desired all those years ago.

Morning city - I've read your opening OP again because I am wondering what feedback you were anticipating when you posted on here. Everyone has pretty much given you the same advice and comments and I imagine that your friends in RL have said similar. However - ultimately it's your life and if you actively choose to tread water for the time being, not to move on with your own life despite all the many attributes you have - that's entirely up to you. That's partly why I said that I wished there was a time machine (remember the film "Sliding Doors"? or have you read any John Wyndham?) where different scenarios can exist on different planes, depending on choices we make. Sadly, we don't have that luxury in RL .....

Nobody on here could tell you, based on the OP and subsequent details, that you had an amazing relationship and should beg him to come back. I'd be doing you a disservice if I did that. I maintain that you, by treading water (especially with your now OH in the situation you describe), could actually be wisely protecting yourself from further hurt from any other quarter.

I really wish you well.

Thanks for the good wishes Lobster. I originally posted to get the thoughts out of my head and to stop feeling so alone. You're quite right, I never want to be hurt again. Two LTRs have ended with my partner cheating on me. All I can think is that I'm the common denominator and that there is something inherently wrong with me. I've shifted from thinking that I'm too nice/too accommodating to that I must be a really awful person to be with. Its got to a point where I just feel like giving up. I'm destined to be alone. Unlovable. I want the traditional fairytale family, always have but perhaps this isnt possible. Perhaps I should just have a child alone...

And no, the relationship wasn't amazing but I loved him. Still do. I just can't understand why he had to leave, saying that he loved our life together.

But city - words and actions are two very, very different things - they shouldn't be but sadly they often are - people can tell you that they will love you until their dying day and promise you the world, but if they don't act in a way that proves this, their words are meaningless.

Do you agree?

I agree that words and actions are different but why say those things? Throughout our relationship I said and did loving things. I didn't contradict myself. Why did he behave in this way? I just still love him very much and miss our life together. I could have a child by now.

There could be many reasons why people's words and behaviour are contradictory. Sometimes people are cowards and are unable to speak the truth, unpalatable as it is, and don't like being the person in the wrong. They choose to string others along, possibly in case Plan A doesn't work out - as an insurance policy. Many people like adoration and choose to keep it in the wings.

City, you simply cannot project your own values and honesty onto anyone else. I appreciate that you knew your ex for eight years, as did I - there's sadly often another dimension to people that they keep concealed. You only have to read the stories on here to realise that this is true - and many after 20 or more years, a seemingly happy (and in many cases I'm sure it was - I thought mine was too) marriage, children, a great life.

If you are going to achieve peace at some point in the future, you will have to accept that there aren't answers to all your questions. OK, you may not be ready to accept this now, but when you're ready to move on, I hope that you will.

I feel guilty that I didn't do enough within the relationship. I didn't care or love enough. I thought I was doing everything right. I moved home, job, city for him. I always compromised and accommodated. When I love I love with a passion so for him to turn around and tell me I didn't makes me think I just wasn't enough.

Its the circumstances of his leaving too. How quickly he moved on and with a married woman etc. It goes against all the values he told me he had. I know he controlled me to an extent and I'm trying to remember all the bad stuff but I'm left with the feeling that my family has gone. Mourning the loss of potential children.

lobsterquadrille - that's a really great post. OP, as she says, there is absolutely nothing you've told us about your ex that suggests you'd be happy now if you were still with him. In fact, given the unreliability and deception you've described, if you had had children, chances are you'd now be in an even worse position. I'd suggest the only reason you can't see what an absolute knob this man is, and how much better off you are now, is because you've moved straight onto an equally uncommitted and unsatisfactory relationship - which allows you to look back with rose-tinted specs because it's really no better. If you'd met a half-decent bloke who cared about you, and wanted to build a future with you, you'd be breaking out in a cold sweat of relief whenever you thought about your near miss. Seriously.

If you want a family, investigate going it alone. It's not too late, you can still have your family. Many women do, and are much happier knowing they're in control of their life and their child's life, not treading on egg shells and monitoring themselves to keep a toxic relationship going. Having a child and being single won't stop you finding a relationship in the future, but sticking to your uncommitted polyamorous partner, while hankering after a lying user, is definitely going to rule out both options before you know it.

Dur, sorry, "both options" being 'having a child on your own, then finding a partner' and 'meeting someone new, and having a baby with them pdq'.

But seriously, I hope your new year counselling can get you past this idea that if only you'd done more he wouldn't have left/cheated/lied/moved on. Not only is that almost definitely not the case, it doesn't matter now anyway. You have the rest of your life to live, and you're completely free of any links to this man, apart from the mental ones dragging you backwards.

NotNowBono thanks for the reply. The fact is that he has moved onto another relationship where there are children so obviously he is coping there. I agree that my current relationship isn't fantastic and perhaps I am hankering after the ex. I spent a significant proportion of my life with him and truly loved him, wanted that family. He sent me a card on Valentines day before he left offering me the rest of his life and I shouldn't have just ignored it. I feel guilty for not opening up as I could have done.

I have considered having a child alone but I am quite a traditionalist and there are many moral/financial implications for choosing that route. As for finding a new partner I am scared of being hurt yet again. I did try OLD for a while but with each new approach got freaked out as none of them were my ex.

As said above re the card, I could have done more and he may not have left me.

It makes no difference if you could have done more. He's gone now and isn't coming back.

I would have liked the opportunity to explore our relationship properly. When he told me he wanted "space" I asked him if he would agree to go to Relate. He said yes but then the following day said he wouldn't go as it would bring up too much of his past and he wasn't prepared to go there. I know that he went to Relate with his ex before me - again I was denied the opportunity which he had given to another. I can only assume that the OW had some sort of input into his change of heart re the counselling. If we had attended counselling then at least all the issues would be out there for better or worse. Instead I am left feeling that I am a bad person as I flirted with another all those years ago. That there is something wrong with me.

LookAtMeGo I know and its very easy to say that but it doesn't prevent the thoughts of why and what if.

it doesn't prevent the thoughts of why and what if.

The thing is, you'll never have the answers to those questions, and you'll never be able to go back in time and change anything. All we have is now! These next few years are really, really precious in terms of whether you have the family you want or not, albeit not quite in the form you expected - if you're serious about wanting to be a mother, don't sacrifice the chance of a child for months of mental anguish about a few throwaway words. His actions have told you all you need to know.

Ultimately, you're in charge of your own destiny - it would be sad if you wasted another few years tormenting yourself about this failed relationship, only to lose the chance of a child too, and blame that on him, when in fact it's completely in your hands. But from all you've said, it sounds as if you need to repair your own self-esteem first: you have value as an individual whether you're a mother or not, whether you're in a relationship or not, and you're certainly not destined to be alone because you had the misfortune to date a couple of duff blokes. There is another relationship out there for you, and there are many decent, honest men.

None of this anguish and thinking about him and blaming yourself is going to change a thing. I know that sounds harsh and I speak as somone who went through exactly the same loop as you are going through now.

It was only when I said the words "IT DOESN'T MATTER" out loud that I realised I was wasting my time. Knowing why he went / where I went wrong / what I could have done different / how he could move on so quick/ if he ever loved me woudln't change anything. It's highly unlikely he would ever tell me the truth and even if he did he wasn't coming back and the truth would likely hurt me just as much as the not knowing so IT DOESN'T MATTER. None of it does. You have to look to the future now - your future. Because you sure as hell can't change the past.

Again, that probably sounds harsh but it's the cold hard truth. I'm sorry to say that you seem a long long way away from believing that yet. But you will. One day. Soon I hope

In one of his texts before xmas he offered me the truth so I prepared an email to him asking for various truths - I have not yet sent it. I am fully aware that time is precious. I was aware of this when we were still together, hence, starting to look at my fertility and becoming increasingly broody. The issue is that I wanted that family with him. I was hesitant when he asked me a few years ago as he was completely devoted to his work. Neither I nor the dogs nor his family took priority. I wondered how I would cope with a child alone. All I can think now is that I should have just gone for it, not overthought the situation. I could now be a mother.

After I had flirted with another, he made me go to counselling. I attended for over 2 years. I worked on my self-esteem and was feeling really great. Perhaps I lost focus on our relationship somehow?!

I had a 3 month relationship last year with someone I thought was kind, caring and considerate. We became involved very quickly and it took us both by surprise - nicknames for each other within the first week or so; planning holidays etc. I found out things about him that weren't very nice - he was toxic towards others for no real reason. He ended the relationship in the end. I was hurt by this but accepted that it wasn't to be.

I have tried the "it doesn't matter" route and "I cannot let the ex win" route. It works momentarily but then I am straight back to missing him. I gave up so much of my life to be with him. I just feel very much lost and alone.

YOu are not ready for the "it doesn't matter" moment OP but I can assure yuo, from experience, that will send yourself round the bend trying o work it all out. It is utterly pointless. He's not coming back.

Again, sorry to be blunt but you are wasting your time and you life on this pointless pursuit of him / the truth. You'll never get either

I know it sounds really harsh but honestly as PP have said knowing the answers to those questions will not bring him back. In fact they will just hurt you. The truth is he just wasn't that into you in the end. Relate would be pointless if his heart wasn't in it, as it clearly wasn't.

And I do understand your need to rant about the situation. You must feel awful. But I expect you don't really want much from this thread beyond that.

I can only echo what everyone else has said - you've had some really good advice on here. Closure, which I think you referred to earlier upthread, doesn't come from anyone else - it's from within. Your ex doesn't have the answers to any of your questions and asking them will only serve to raise more questions in your mind, thus perpetuating this cycle even further.

It is of course, up to you. You can ignore everyone on here (and I believe that you said that your RL friends told you that having children with your ex would have been a direct path to single parenthood), send the email, you can prostrate yourself at his feet, you can implore him to come back. Or you can delete and block him from every source that you have and be absolutely determined not to waste another minute over-thinking this man.

The choice is yours.

Lobster is absolutely right but in my case, I wasn't ready to hear it for a loooooong time. I look on that time as the wasted time now, not the relationship itself

Thanks all. It is just really really difficult. The texts of November have sent me right back to square one. I keep mulling over everything and there is a hope that he will want to be with me again. Sad I know. In February he was offering me the rest of his life, a few days later "something happened" with a female colleague, by May he had ended our relationship and then a few months later moved in with the female colleague. I flirted all those years ago with another man and it went no further than that. I loved my ex. So how can he say that he loved me, giving me the rest of his life and then... Something changed his mind about Relate as at first he was willing to attend.

Sorry but yes, I am slowly driving myself insane with these thoughts. He has admitted that he feels guilty, that he thinks about me every day but yet I am the one with the guilt of not doing enough.

and none of this makes you think he's actually a flaky-at-best, manipulative-at-worst user who would treat you the same in a heartbeat? Read your OP again. It's horrible. He cheated on you, harangued you, called you a slut, bullied you, left you for a married woman, helped to break up a young family, is dangling you on a string for his own ego... Really? You really think that's a catch? That's the man you'd choose for the father of your child - someone who could walk out on your and your baby just like that?

You're grieving, for the possibilities you thought you had of happiness, and the mental image of yourself as a mother with him, and for the time you gave him. And that's fine - that's really what we all grieve for, our lost time and lost possibilities. But it's like grieving for your 19 year old thighs, or your university degree that could have been a first if you'd done more revision for your finals. It's done. It's gone. It's made you who are you now - which is the job of our past - and now you've got to break some new ground. At the moment it sounds like you're trapped in a hole that you can't resist digging deeper and deeper because it's familiar and cosy, even though it's going nowhere - a good counsellor will help you climb out.

Sorry, that sounds a bit ranty. But your account of your ex's behaviour is so horrible - I'd love to hear your best mate's version! - that it makes me very sad to think that's all you're holding out for. I was in a pretty miserable relationship for a long time and thought it was 'fine'. Then I met my DP and realised how different things could be, and like PPs, the only regrets I had were spending so many years putting up with it.

Nobody said it is easy. Hardest thing I have ever had to do. I d understand that.

I wantto give you a very gentle and well-meaning online shake!