I can't seem to move on

[citybumpkin]

It has been over 18 months since my DP left me and I still can't seem to move on. We had been together for 8 and a half years and he was the love of my life. Our relationship was far from perfect (who's is?). When we met (and throughout) he was a workaholic with little time for our relationship. Two years in, I wanted to marry/have kids with him but he refused. One day I just burst into tears and was comforted by a male colleague. I was lonely and feeling neglected and unfortunately we had several flirty conversations. Completely wrong and the ex found out (after hacking into my computer as I was seemingly behaving differently - I went on a night out with friends). We got over this or so I thought.

Fast forward several years, the relationship was going ok, not perfect, he was still working ridiculous hours and I was looking after our home, dogs, families. I did wonder over time about him working away so much and all the late nights but trusted him implicitly. He reached the age of 40 and had a week's worth of benders with friends - one of them being a night out with a female colleague. I thought nothing of this... Then in April last year he said he wanted he needed space. We talked and argued. He refused to attend Relate with me. I tried to be grown up, even though I was falling apart, and said he should leave. One week later, we met up and he said it was definitely over. I was heartbroken.

In the months that followed, I emailed/phoned/texted wanting answers and wanting him back. The abuse that was hurled at me was horrific - I still have visions of the words "slut slut slut" on my phone as he constantly texted/accused me. I discovered a few months after this that he had someone else. In fact the same someone else that he had enjoyed a birthday night out with. At that time she was married with a 4 year old and a 3 month old baby. They had both cheated on their respective exes.

Recently I have wondered what exactly happened. I know the OW had just moved house with her husband so i take it the husband was forced to move out and my ex moved in immediately. So many questions...including how can this be a good foundation for a relationship? Two cheaters. Apparently she was advising my ex on the relationship with me and then lo and behold she cheats on her husband?! Did the OW and her husband have a child to "fix" their relationship? Sorry but all of this is wrong. I find it all so hypocritical and contradictory. I don't feel hatred towards my ex or the OW, I would actually just like answers and for them to be completely honest with all around them, children included. I am sure as hell she didn't tell her husband that she cheated on him, just as my ex lied to me and referred to me as the slut.

I suppose I will never get answers and I will eternally be left feeling the bad party. Towards the end of our relationship I discovered that I was being overly maternal, domesticity had turned into nesting, and initiated fertility testing (I was 38 at the time). I wanted us to have a family. Now this is all lost. I feel that I wasted years on the relationship with him. That I now will not be able to have the family I desired all those years ago.

I know. I just can't understand why after all those years that I wasn't good enough? Did he ever actually love me? I compromised so much. I wasn't allowed to live with him two years into the relationship and was told I had to move closer to him instead. So I left my house, job, friends to somewhere new. He rarely visited me as he was working so much. I sound needy but I had actually lived by myself before so could cope.

I am trying with OH. He knows all about my past and the recent texts. He is extremely supportive, caring, kind.

I guess its the end of another very tough year... My mum is seriously ill; my dog is deteriorating; redundancies at work; concerns re fertility. I genuinely do miss him.

And how the fuck could he move on so quickly?!?!

I guess I need to just accept that he has gone and will never want me back.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. Noone is perfect. Why couldn't he just try. The grass is not always greener. She will be his 6th LTR. One after the other.. He always leaves them for some reason - had kids, was depressed, too demanding, was mental/jealous. Wonder what I am described as?

You must cut your losses - if he didn't marry you after 8 years, he never will.

You ARE still young enough to have a baby, but your obsession with his man is stopping you going forwards.

I was happy being engaged. To me that signified commitment. I have friends who have been together for over a decade and still no sign of any commitment. I wanted a child with him, that really hurts.

I think you really should try and get some therapy. Your ex sounds like a cool headed manipulative and abusive person who knew very well what he was doing. You gave so much, you made so many sacrifices, you fitted your life around him, gave up your whole sense of self, he has rewritten your sense of self, and reduced you, now he doesn't want you. That is what narcissists do. I think you should look up co-dependency.

I've been through 3 years of counselling. Two years after he claimed I was bipolar and then one year with Relate after he left. I admit at the start of the relationship I probably was codependent. However, after the two yrs of counselling I "found" myself. Perhaps he picked up on this? I was no longer as submissive. I said no to things etc. I just miss him, his familiarity, our nicknames, his presence.

Have you seen a mental health counsellor? Your problems are much deeper than what a Relate counsellor will sort. You're obsessed. I've read through this thread and have real concerns for your wellbeing.

You don't seem to be able to grasp that somebody is allowed to leave a relationship and it is not a bad reflection on you. The likeliest explanation is that he met this woman, fancied her, had lost interest in you and moved on. That doesn't make you unloveable, it's just unfortunate. It makes him a twat.

The way you are obsessing right now sounds like this only just happened - not 18 months ago. You need some serious help otherwise you're going to live a sad, lonely life chasing a man who no longer desires a future with you.

Also, look in to adoption. Don't live a childless life because you spent too long on one arse hole.

Thanks. Just what I wanted to hear! 1. That I'm nuts 2. That I need to adopt children when I really want my own biological child. Happy new year!

Yes its been 18 months. Its been a really tough 18 months due to various events. I was doing okay until the texts at the end of November. I've reflected on me/him/the relationship ever since. Not obsessed, just still love and miss him.

Oh my lord. I made sure in that post that I tried to be as nice as possible. I didn't once imply you were nuts. Yes, I suggested a MH counsellor - for your wellbeing!

I was suggesting adoption as you're clearly not in a relationship whereby it'd be suitable to have children right now so I was suggesting other options which are perfectly respectable and many on here have done. There was no "need" about it.

You have a great skill of reading something that isn't there. You've completely exaggerated and falsified what I said.

I understand that you are trying to help but please consider my current state of mind and what I've said throughout this post. I'm seeing another counsellor in the new year but waiting lists are rather lengthy. My biggest concern at the moment is not being able to have my own children. I've always wanted a family. I turn 40 this year so that is constantly on my mind. My new partner, despite being older, has agreed we should try for a child. He isn't entirely on board but will do anything to make me happy.

Your response just came across as a bit abrupt to me.

If your biggest concern now is having children, then this is what you need to focus on, not on him, not on the past, not on a bunch of what ifs. Its new year, make a plan, decide to go after the future you want.

40 is not too old to have children. Yes, its probably not ideal, but there is every chance it will happen.

As for this other older man, take up his offer. There are no guarantees in any relationship, whether it be a business arrangement, a marriage or co-parenting children. Many here will probably tell me I am wrong, I am cynical, you should wait until you fall in love and get married, you don't have time for that sort of navel gazing horseshit.

I was younger than you, 26 out of a long relationship, told I may have PCOS. (I don't) I met ex-dp, he didn't rock my world, he didn't give me butterflies, but he was happy to do whatever I needed to make me happy. He was loyal and he agreed we could try for a baby. He is a good man, a good father, and I have no regrets. However I was and I am of course now, always prepared for the relationship to end, and for me to go it alone with my children. I would have regretted waiting for the ideal man, wasting time on an arsehole, and missing the opportunity.

I don't believe in fairytales, I believe in making simple, straightforward well informed and pragmatic decisions.

Please do go get some counselling, make a plan, make 2016 the year you stop looking back and instead make the life you want.

Thanks Mini. I was focussed on ttc before the texts from him. They have just thrown my thoughts into disarray. Now I'm wishing that I should have just had children with him, even though I had my concerns about him being a good father. It pains me now to know he is living with another woman who has two young children. He is obviously able to look after kids. I wanted the fairytale family with him.

OH already has two grown up children so I know he is more than capable. I just keep looking back and thinking what if... I feel like such an idiot.

Mini, so you are no longer with the father of your children? I just worry about having to go it alone at some point. I know there are no guarantees in life. My next relationship could also end but it doesnt stop me holding onto the fairytale. I loved him and saw it as happily ever after.

Just because he lives with her children doesn't make him "able to look after kids". Being physically in the same home as them is terrifically different to actually parenting them. He could be the shittest step-parent in the universe. Probably is, given what a dick he sounds.

You have built up an alternate-life for him based on masses of presumptions and things you believe. The reality of the entire situation is probably nowhere near the way you assume. I can't suggest many things, but some more counselling would be a great place to begin.

I think you must put the regrets behind you the best way to do this is to move on and make a new life.

I always knew. Ex is a good person, kind mostly, loyal always, but lacking ambition, lacking creative thinking, and not the person I wanted to be with for life. My boys are 10 and 14. Told ex two years ago. He is staying here at the moment while I work on dissertation. He supports us financially. In June I met a great guy, who not only gave my butterflies, but has all the characteristics and personal attributes I respect. He makes me want to be a better person, and he is someone I think I want to be with for a very long time. But again I have no fairytale dreams. It will last as long as i feel this way and as long as he does too, and relationships require daily commitments and acts of love, to commit to it everyday. I hope we will.

But, going it alone can be hard. It may be lonely and it may be hard work and financially difficult. Having children though is rewarding, even if it does curtail other ambitions and require sacrifices, its the very best thing in the world to watch them grow up. You can do this if you put your mind to it. Children never really leave you, and the love you have for them, and them for you is not conditional. I don't have regrets, but sometimes that is a state of mind, and it is all under your own control!

OP I'm sorry if my post came across as abrupt, it wasn't my intention x

The only person you should be making responsible for your current situation is yourself. Only you have the power to change your life and move forwards but you are choosing to cling onto the past. This other women as you keep calling her is in fact his partner and you are still trying to lure him away from his relationship. You are in a relationship but from what you've said you would drop him like a lead weight if your ex was actually interested. Move on, it really doesn't matter what happened in your past. You could still have children, it's not too late, yet!

Just a thought, but are you sure that 3 month old child is not your ex's child?!

It sounds like a complete headache tbh, I'm sure neither of you are either bad people but you sure sound like you bring out the worst in each other!

You're blaming your ex for leaving you or potentially cheating, yet by investing so much time and energy in him have you considered that to your current DP, you are doing exactly the same?

In a way you are very lucky. You have no ties to this man; I know it's not what you wanted but you have no children, no home.., you're incredibly fortunate and you could just walk away tomorrow and not look back.

It sounds like your ex regrets hurting you and feels somewhat responsible for your wellbeing since then, which is why he keeps texting you and trying to tell you what you want to hear. It's harsh but if he wanted to be with you, he would.

Only you can change your life and I would seriously consider thinking about whether obsessing over your ex this way is worth the pain and confusion it's bringing you. You can stop it; you can block him from your life and not look back but only you can make that choice. It sounds like you have a supporting and understanding DP who will help you through this.

Teaandcake:I don't think we brought out the worst in each other. I have always been the person I am, which I thought was considerate and loving. My current DP is fully aware of the situation and has said all along that I should do whatever makes me happy. He is of the belief that noone belongs to another and that life is very much transient. There is nothing hidden from him. In fact he wishes I were more secretive about my life and that doesn't meant that he is hurt by what I say. He too is similarly very open and honest. After the ex left I tried to sever all contact but he still had access to my phone and email accounts. It took 5 months for him to sort that out. Since that point there has been no contact whatsoever. I have no idea what he is trying to tell me what I want to hear?

Choceclair: I have made no attempt whatsoever to "lure him away". As said above, I had severed all contact . He was the one who wished to remain friends. For the good of my sanity I just couldn't do that. He had hurt me so much and I tried to move on. I have no idea re the 3 month old child. The thought has crossed my mind too...

Token: Sorry but my current state of mind may on occasion read things as a bit abrupt especially when it's sensitive issues such as children/fertility. No need for apologies x
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Mini:* I always wanted children with the ex. He refused so our lives carried on. A few years later he decided he wanted them but I was hesitant. We had two dogs between us. I was the one to look after them - feed them, take them for walks etc. The year before he left his dog was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. I was the one who looked after her the most, took her for walks, encouraged her to eat. Towards the end of the year he was offered work abroad for 5 weeks and thought nothing about accepting it. I was left with one very sickly dog - I would come home to pools of blood on the floor etc. We used to go away for Xmas. That Xmas he wanted to go away but I said no, his mum couldn't possibly look after his dog in that state. Not fair. I was the one who ended up asking his mum. I was the one blasted for asking by his mother. To me, he struggled to look after the dogs. He rarely took them for walks and didn't think twice about leaving his supposed best friend when she was dying. This was all I knew firsthand of his efforts towards responsibility. His first relationship was with a woman who was older than him and had 3 young children. He managed that so perhaps he could have managed children with me?!

Time: as per above... He managed someone else's children before so...

I just can't stop thinking about all the things I did wrong, how I must be the bad person, that I'm completely inept, unable to hold onto the man I love. At the time I thought I was reasonably good at relationships. Its like all my work on me and the relationship over the years has been a fallacy. The conclusion I reach is that its all my fault.

I think I give up.

You didn't do anything wrong, he just doesn't want to be with you. How is that you doing anything wrong? Don't beat yourself up. People fall out of love for so many reasons, it doesn't mean that either party is a bad person or has done anything wrong x