I can't seem to move on

[citybumpkin]

It has been over 18 months since my DP left me and I still can't seem to move on. We had been together for 8 and a half years and he was the love of my life. Our relationship was far from perfect (who's is?). When we met (and throughout) he was a workaholic with little time for our relationship. Two years in, I wanted to marry/have kids with him but he refused. One day I just burst into tears and was comforted by a male colleague. I was lonely and feeling neglected and unfortunately we had several flirty conversations. Completely wrong and the ex found out (after hacking into my computer as I was seemingly behaving differently - I went on a night out with friends). We got over this or so I thought.

Fast forward several years, the relationship was going ok, not perfect, he was still working ridiculous hours and I was looking after our home, dogs, families. I did wonder over time about him working away so much and all the late nights but trusted him implicitly. He reached the age of 40 and had a week's worth of benders with friends - one of them being a night out with a female colleague. I thought nothing of this... Then in April last year he said he wanted he needed space. We talked and argued. He refused to attend Relate with me. I tried to be grown up, even though I was falling apart, and said he should leave. One week later, we met up and he said it was definitely over. I was heartbroken.

In the months that followed, I emailed/phoned/texted wanting answers and wanting him back. The abuse that was hurled at me was horrific - I still have visions of the words "slut slut slut" on my phone as he constantly texted/accused me. I discovered a few months after this that he had someone else. In fact the same someone else that he had enjoyed a birthday night out with. At that time she was married with a 4 year old and a 3 month old baby. They had both cheated on their respective exes.

Recently I have wondered what exactly happened. I know the OW had just moved house with her husband so i take it the husband was forced to move out and my ex moved in immediately. So many questions...including how can this be a good foundation for a relationship? Two cheaters. Apparently she was advising my ex on the relationship with me and then lo and behold she cheats on her husband?! Did the OW and her husband have a child to "fix" their relationship? Sorry but all of this is wrong. I find it all so hypocritical and contradictory. I don't feel hatred towards my ex or the OW, I would actually just like answers and for them to be completely honest with all around them, children included. I am sure as hell she didn't tell her husband that she cheated on him, just as my ex lied to me and referred to me as the slut.

I suppose I will never get answers and I will eternally be left feeling the bad party. Towards the end of our relationship I discovered that I was being overly maternal, domesticity had turned into nesting, and initiated fertility testing (I was 38 at the time). I wanted us to have a family. Now this is all lost. I feel that I wasted years on the relationship with him. That I now will not be able to have the family I desired all those years ago.

Already been. Anti depressants and counselling. Doesn't make any difference. I wish I could break from thoughts of him but I can't. I feel like such a failure at everything. I have few friends, my family are over 100 miles away. I am alone. I felt alone sometimes when with him as he worked so much but at least we had each other.

"We were there for each other". No, you are romanticising it. He was not there, he was abusive, controlling, unfaithful and vile. Come on op. You need to stop wallowing. Put some upbeat music on, get in the shower and get busy.

I don't know what else to say to you. It all sounds very harsh and I don't wish to be. Because k know exactly what you're going through. But you have to get a grip of this before it takes you down. And he truly isn't worth that. Nobody is.

I feel I was abusive, controlling, unfaithful and vile. Not him. No wonder he left me.

Well, in that case*, you were both bad for each other and you're both better off out of that relationship to be free to find a better one, surely?

OP, there's nothing anyone on this thread can say, because you don't want to hear what we're saying. I mean that in a kind way; your depression is going lalalalaIcan'thearyou. I strongly recommend finding a good firm CBT counsellor who can dismantle some of this unhealthy thinking, and separate your depression/low self-esteem from your ex, because they are honestly not the same thing.

• that is not the case

WTAF? I really think you need to really readjust your thinking on this. He hit you. Stalked you. Controlled you. Fucked another woman behind your back. What else did he need to do to convince you he is an arsehole.

I truly don't know what else to say as you are clearly not reading what anyone is saying.

Yes but he did all those things because of me. I just feel so to blame for it all. That I could've done more, listened more, communicated more. The onus being on me. Thats basically what he said when he left - that Im emotionally defunct. I wish I could stop loving him, longing for him.

And if hes an arsehole why cant she see that hes an arsehole?!

Because she's an arsehole too. Better to spoil one home, than two, as my gran would say.

I know you have said that you have already seen your GP for AD's but I am worried that your depression may be getting significantly worse and may require more immediate medical attention.
Your feeling of worthlessness and guilt everyday is a major symptom of clinical depression but I am in no way shape or form qualified to say that for certain and only a medical professional should ever do this. It is only my experience of seeing this with a close family member that is ringing alarm bells. Also your comment "Today I cant get out of bed. Everything seems pointless" is worrying to hear. Take care

I'm still functioning as I have a dog to look after. Just want to hide from the world so I dont get hurt. I can't share any of this with my family as they are already going through so much with my mum's illness. Friends are becoming bored of me. My current OH understands but lives away. Ive gone through a period of being absolutely fine, enjoying life etc. I've done more in the past 18 months than I did when I was with the ex. Since discovering he was living with someone else then those texts before xmas my thoughts have just spiralled. A combination of him, ill mum, aging dog, bad work situation, feeling alone, nearing 40, panicking about not having children, feeling like Im not where I should be in life.

Are you still in work OP?

I'm sorry to hear about your ill mum and dog, it's totally normal to feel sad and apprehensive about those sort of things. In terms of the last few things you're worried about (being alone, your age, not having children yet) you still have options available to you but only if you're able to let go of the fixation with the ex. You might need some help from a counsellor to help you let go, but that's ok. Try to see every minute you spend thinking about him as a minute wasted - a minute you could be healing and moving on to the future you want for yourself. It's similar to when people stay in an unhappy relationship, missing the chance to meet someone new who makes them happy.

Your dreams are still achievable but he is an obstacle and causing a delay.

Yes. Just about in work. Managed to get dressed and drag myself in. On the way I saw the ex driving in the opposite direction. I haven't seen him since he left. This just hurts. Why cant I just move on?! He has done so easily.

Was I unhappy in the relationship with him as I was depressed or was he enabling my depression to take hold? I felt happier with him than I do now. I've had many moments in the past 18 months were I have been happy but others when I've been sad when I have thoughts of him. I've had to have time off work as I suspect I was carrying on regardless and had some sort of breakdown. He is obviously happy in his new life and, as much I don't want anyone to be unhappy, that hurts very much.

Hi OP, I have sent you a PM. Like others I am concerned that your depression is spiralling - maybe because you feel so isolated and don't have friends near enough? I too think that you should see your GP. If this thread is providing you with a means to vent and offload then that's good, but if it's adding to your thoughts about your ex churning round and round in circles then maybe it's not such a good thing and that is not to say don't post about him. Keep talking but maybe think about positive things that are going to happen - even the weekend and your plans - rather than dwelling so much on the past which, however much you want to, really cannot be changed at this stage.

Thanks to all for your input. As Lobster says it has been a means to vent/offload. Its been a difficult couple of months with family illness, elderly dog, those texts from him, fertility tests etc. I thought that coming to a decision about having a child alone would be a relief, well it was at the time - like a huge weight had been lifted - but then I thought of how I would be alone and how much I wanted a child with him. I just need somehow to get out of that mindset. I will make a fantastic mother.

In all the time I was with him I was the one taking both our dogs for walks. I was the one who nursed his dying dog in the last year of her life. I almost felt like a single mother. I know its nowhere near as bad as a child passing but they do say that couples fall apart when there is a loss. Its strange how he made the decision to leave me weeks after his dog had passed. And that was it, a decision. There was no talking, it was a decision he had reached. He started the conversation with "I'm sad about our relationship" and ended it with he needed space. I offered him that space, suggested counselling but a week later, after no further discussion, he had decided that was it. I don't think it was a very mature way of dealing with over 8 years of a shared life.

I've just re-read one of my previous posts:
^He sent me a card on valentines day (the front saying "this person is an absolute twat). Inside he had written about my faults but that he wanted to offer me the rest of his life. I was flabbergasted by the front of the card, let alone the words. That weekend I had booked a hotel for valentines/his birthday. Nothing was said about the card. At one point he disappeared for cigs, even though he already had some. We had a great night. The following week was his birthday. On the day I had booked a restaurant for his family. The rest of the week he spent getting drunk with friends - including the night with the someone else. The week after he went on holiday for 10 days with one of his mates. I was invited but thought he could do with some time out. He came back, went straight back to work. I spent time with family as my mum was seriously ill. Everything was just going on as normal. Then at the end of April...

I had access to the phone bills. He had phoned her persistently during May and June (after he had left), added her to his netflix account, then in August she started to work for his company. Her husband moved out of their new home, the ex moved in with her. All too quick. He just never gave me the opportunity to discuss. It was a done deal. Wouldnt do counselling etc. After over 8 years together...^

A part of me wishes I had answered that card rather than assuming my actions said everything ie the weekend in the hotel and actively encouraging to go on holiday with his friend. I feel guilty for this. I should have said how I felt/that I wanted the rest of my life with him. A part of me thinks, hang on, "that card" and his actions that followed...