I can't seem to move on

[citybumpkin]

It has been over 18 months since my DP left me and I still can't seem to move on. We had been together for 8 and a half years and he was the love of my life. Our relationship was far from perfect (who's is?). When we met (and throughout) he was a workaholic with little time for our relationship. Two years in, I wanted to marry/have kids with him but he refused. One day I just burst into tears and was comforted by a male colleague. I was lonely and feeling neglected and unfortunately we had several flirty conversations. Completely wrong and the ex found out (after hacking into my computer as I was seemingly behaving differently - I went on a night out with friends). We got over this or so I thought.

Fast forward several years, the relationship was going ok, not perfect, he was still working ridiculous hours and I was looking after our home, dogs, families. I did wonder over time about him working away so much and all the late nights but trusted him implicitly. He reached the age of 40 and had a week's worth of benders with friends - one of them being a night out with a female colleague. I thought nothing of this... Then in April last year he said he wanted he needed space. We talked and argued. He refused to attend Relate with me. I tried to be grown up, even though I was falling apart, and said he should leave. One week later, we met up and he said it was definitely over. I was heartbroken.

In the months that followed, I emailed/phoned/texted wanting answers and wanting him back. The abuse that was hurled at me was horrific - I still have visions of the words "slut slut slut" on my phone as he constantly texted/accused me. I discovered a few months after this that he had someone else. In fact the same someone else that he had enjoyed a birthday night out with. At that time she was married with a 4 year old and a 3 month old baby. They had both cheated on their respective exes.

Recently I have wondered what exactly happened. I know the OW had just moved house with her husband so i take it the husband was forced to move out and my ex moved in immediately. So many questions...including how can this be a good foundation for a relationship? Two cheaters. Apparently she was advising my ex on the relationship with me and then lo and behold she cheats on her husband?! Did the OW and her husband have a child to "fix" their relationship? Sorry but all of this is wrong. I find it all so hypocritical and contradictory. I don't feel hatred towards my ex or the OW, I would actually just like answers and for them to be completely honest with all around them, children included. I am sure as hell she didn't tell her husband that she cheated on him, just as my ex lied to me and referred to me as the slut.

I suppose I will never get answers and I will eternally be left feeling the bad party. Towards the end of our relationship I discovered that I was being overly maternal, domesticity had turned into nesting, and initiated fertility testing (I was 38 at the time). I wanted us to have a family. Now this is all lost. I feel that I wasted years on the relationship with him. That I now will not be able to have the family I desired all those years ago.

I hear what you're saying NotNow but all I can think is that I fuelled his behaviour. I was the one who initially flirted with another and subsequently deserve everything he threw at me, including his one-off violent behaviour. Throughout our relationship I was there for him, caring, providing attention, loving him and his family. I supported his business. When he told me that he didn't want me to move in with him or have children I did a Masters degree instead. I filled my life with things instead of a much wanted family. I waited as I loved him. I waited...

I went to Relate alone. The counsellor was great but you can only have counselling through them for about a year. The new counsellor isn't quite the same. At the end of the day I am still stuck in my own head, going over the same issues and ultimately miss him. My best mate would be biased as they know me more than him.

ps I still have 19 year old thighs.

BitOutOfPractice, this is the second time I have had to go through this. The first time wasn't as bad as this though. He also cheated on me several times over. My recent ex claims that he ended the relationship with me and then found someone else but to me that doesn't ring true. She was the one he went out with for drinks for his birthday - just the two of them. He moved in with her so quickly and she was married with two kids (with her husband for 15 years). There is more to it and yes, I shouldn't care but if finding out what actually happened stops all the questions and makes me feel less guilty then surely that is good and I can perhaps move on once again?

Thanks for the shake...

So ..... while acknowledging and listing all that you did for him and all that he failed to do for you, you still feel that you should have done more to "prove" how much you loved him? That's really not right, city, and hopefully one day you'll re-read these posts and see what we are all reading.

Insanity is asking the same question and expecting a different answer - and that's what you're doing. In fact, I shouldn't think that there is an answer in the world that would satisfy you - as I said before, it would just raise more and more questions.

For whatever reason, it is serving you some purpose to wear this hair shirt for the time being - your refusal to shed it illustrates that - so, while wishing you well, I don't feel that there's anything else I can add that hasn't already been said. Take care of yourself, city.

Citybumpkin You are living in your head not your heart.
I am not saying this to be hurtful

You have been living with all the excuses not to engage in your life.
I really don't think you want a child as you seem to be avoiding a future where you can be happy.
This situation has kept you in the loop with this man.

You have not deleted this man's phone number or emails
And you seem to live in the drama still of what if..
You don't need more rounds of counseling as its not working for a start.
You are living in the past and its not good for you.
Why not start living for the future you and make the choice to leave this man behind today.

How about you love yourself more than you loved this man
Life is short op

Frankly I am living in both my head and my heart. I have been very much engaging with my life. I have continued to work, have continued and started new hobbies, have spent time with my family (my mum is really ill), time with friends, travelled, even dated along the way. The ex was part of my life for a long time and therefore, I'm struggling to come to terms with it all still. I can delete his number and emails but unfortunately I have a fantastic memory. I don't want to live in drama. All I have ever wanted is a simple life. On/off I have lived for the future - see the above. I made a massive decision last weekend that if by the end of the year I was not with the "right" man then I would have a child alone. This does not stop me, however, from missing what was and what could have been with him.

Lobster sorry I seem to have angered you, that was not my intention.

City, very little angers me and certainly not you ..... apologies if it came across that way - all I meant was that I have said all I can say and that I most sincerely wish you well and hope that you will process the truth and the advice at your own pace. Nobody can make you do anything until such time as you are ready. Please be kind to yourself.

Thanks Lobster. I hope I am taking all this on board subconsciously. I need to make myself move on from this as I cannot imagine a life without a child(ren).

You keep saying the same thing about him moving on again and again. And trust me I know how painful it is.

But if I could tell you now, categorically, that he did or didn't cheat on you (and fwiw I think he probably did) and you knew 100% for certain one way or the other, with categorical proof, what then? How would that make you feel? Has it brought him back? Has it made his behaviour post split any better? Has knowing made you happy (or even worse) No. Knowing it changes nothing. Nothing at all. You will probably then move on to analysing what you did wrong / why he sent that card / when he slept with her / something else. You need to let it all go.

Honestly, you cannot start moving on until you stop churning and churning through this again and again.

Again, I sound harsh. Again I'll say I have been where you are. It was all utterly utterly futile.

I can remember the exact moment that I let it go. It felt WONDERFUL

BitOutOfPractice is right
"You keep saying the same thing about him moving on again and again. And trust me I know how painful it is.

But if I could tell you now, categorically, that he did or didn't cheat on you (and fwiw I think he probably did) and you knew 100% for certain one way or the other, with categorical proof, what then? How would that make you feel? Has it brought him back? Has it made his behavior post split any better? Has knowing made you happy (or even worse) No. Knowing it changes nothing. Nothing at all. You will probably then move on to analyzing what you did wrong / why he sent that card / when he slept with her / something else. You need to let it all go.

Honestly, you cannot start moving on until you stop churning and churning through this again and again."

But you keep making excuses to be where you are and refuse to give it up because somewhere in your heart keeping it going inside your head keeps you safe.

I am very good too with memories but have let the bad go. Life is what you make of it.
You can rewrite your history but choose your future where you forgive yourself for staying in a one sided relationship and move on today.
Your choice.

And just because you say you are busy in the body with your life, your still keeping the thoughts for what you had close to you.
Maybe you should seek volunteering work as this may keep you busy in the long run and may help you in your life.
May give you a better prospective in general and a much needed wake up call.

On the balance of probabilities your ex more than likely cheated on you either emotionally or physically. He treated you very badly and sounds a thoroughly unpleasant person.

He moved in with his new partner very quickly and invited her to work for him. He is now in a relationship where this is what he wishes to do. I know this seems to compound your hurt as he behaved very different with you. Each relationship we have is not usually an exact carbon copy of the previous one. This is how he now wants to live his life he even told you his life and priorities are different now.

He did not respond to your Christmas Eve text when you said you loved him.

He may enjoy dangling the odd carrot in front of you to massage his ego by saying he thinks of you and he feels guilty etc etc but he has clearly made his choice.

You have asked various questions...
"how can this be a good foundation for a relationship" - this is not your concern and frankly he has no obligation to answer this question.

"Did the OW and her husband have this child to "fix" their relationship" - this again is not your business.

You say you think they should be truthful to everyone children included - This is their life choice to make and at the time this woman's children were 4 years old and 3 months old so not appropriate.

You say you are sure as hell she didn't tell her ex husband of the affair - I'm sure if your ex moved in as quickly as you say with his ex wife then the husband probably worked out what had happened.

I really really don't mean to come across as cruel by making the above comments but I think you have all the answers already. His actions are a reflection of him not you. Any version of the truth he offers will obviously be biased.

He treated you appallingly and you deserve so much better. There is no easy way to move on from betrayal and nobody but you can tell you how to do it. You are not a bad person, he chose to end the relationship this way because he was a weak and selfish individual. You are hoping answers will give you closure but unfortunately this will not happen while you are still yearning for him.

Perhaps consider deleting his number and blocking every avenue of communication like you did originally. Going completely no contact could make it easier to eventually find some peace as this re initiated occasional contact seems to be making things worse.

Sassy I just feel that I deserve some honest answers to stop the perpetual thoughts dancing around my mind. Perhaps if he told me truths then I would feel more able to move on. I know that each relationship is not a carbon copy but his new relationship completely contradicts what he had with me and his values. He was against cheating, breaking up families, wanted the marriage/2.4 children, he never wanted to have a partner in the same business as him ever again (all his partners before me worked in the same industry). He didn't let me move in with him until 5 years into our relationship. Every other relationship prior to me, they lived together. I just want to know what is wrong with me? Why am I so different to all the others?

You aren't being cruel, you are stating facts and trying to help me emerge from this appalling mind set.

I tried to sit last night and think of all the negativity in the relationship and how at times I thought about leaving. All this did was make me feel guilty for having such thoughts. I miss him and his familiarity. I was reading another thread earlier about an OP moaning about her DH not making her a cup of tea every morning. My ex made me a cuppa every morning and brought it to bed. A small thing but yet symbollic of many of the good things within our relationship. I just constantly feel that I threw his love away.

BitOutOfPractice and frankly - I am aware of the futility of all this but it doesn't stop my thinking. I sort of let it go recently with the decision to have children alone but then wished that I was having a child with him...

Perhaps he decided to be more cautious in your relationship because of the way his other relationships ended to see if it would make a difference to the outcome and it never so he reverted back to type.

Perhaps time is a factor and he too wishes to start his own family but realises he cant take another another five years to let his current partner move in.

Perhaps his partner told him she wasn't prepared to wait five years to co habit and she may of give him an ultimatum such as if you love me you will live with me etc.

Perhaps he feels more confident in this new relationship and cant live without her.

Perhaps it was a financial issue that helped decide that they should live together - if he wanted her to work for him and she left a good job to do so she may of needed the added security of someone to help with the bills.

The fact is there are many many different answers but none of them will ultimately give you that antidote to loving him.

After eighteen months you should not be looking for answers from someone who treated you with so much disrespect. He really is undeserving of that attention.

Yes he bought you a cup of tea in bed in the morning but he also has hit you and when your world was collapsing when he left you he became verbally abusive too.

It isn't fair that he has waltzed off to a new life unscathed but what is truly tragic is that you are wasting your life wondering why why why.
It will not change or help you in anyway to waste any more precious time that is your life on this fool's errand no matter answers you think you need.

What do you want to hear OP? From all that you've written on this post I feel like I know what happened. He cheated on you - end of story. It doesn't matter why or when or how. He wasn't as committed as you thought. He didn't want a family with you (he told you this, but you kept hoping he'd come around), and eventually he hooked up with someone else. He's an arsehole who called you a slut when HE was the one behaving like a slut.

You need to get some talking therapy to help you move on from this, because not only did you waste 8 years of your life with him, you've now wasted another 18 months agonising over the whys and wherefores. You need to get over him!! You're 39, right? You still have a window of opportunity to have a family, but its not very big and you don't have time to waste. Make sorting your head out your immediate priority and then think about whether you want to try and meet someone else or whether you want to look into single motherhood via sperm donation. But whatever you do, stop wasting your time agonising over this arsehole who cheated on you.

One final thing: ten, twenty, thirty years from now if you don't try and have a baby while you still can you'll look back on this time and put your head in your hands and weep that you didn't seize the opportunity to have a baby while you still could. Your fertility is a ticking time bomb - you need to act on it right now.

Sassy I was the only woman he had been engaged to - he proposed 4 years into the relationship. It was just that everything was so slow. I didn't move in with him until another 2 years later. I was also the longest relationship he had ever had. He moved out of the home we shared together (his house) into temporary accommodation and then moved in with the someone else. I took a while to find somewhere to rent (dog in tow) and then moved out of our home (his house). He never moved back into the house. His new "home" is her house - one she bought with her husband in May 2014, by August my ex had moved in with her. My friends have said that its his controlling nature - so she now works and lives with him. Both of his closest (and only) friends work for his business too. In all of this I want to know what I did wrong. Was/am I really that bad? How can someone else deserve his love? I cannot help but think the way I do. I suffer from depression. Perhaps he left because of that? I know full well the depression isn't helping my current thinking.

Juneau I want to believe that he didn't cheat. I also want to believe that some day he will come back. I can close my eyes and see that perfect, lovely family with him. I am torn between the past and moving on. Its extremely difficult. I am not one to give up or fail.

Ask him for the answers and beg him to come back then. I'm being serious. If that is what you need to do to move forward, then do it.

If you could ask him what went wrong and he told you he no longer loved you, would you accept that as closure? Or would you ask why?

He left you 18 months ago and hasn't come back. You're living in cloud cuckoo land. Its not about failing or giving up, its about having some dignity and the good sense to see that you're flogging a dead horse. Let it go, for god's sake.

She IS flogging a dead horse and we all can see how this is going to play out if she contacts him for answers. We're all advising her the same thing for the sake of her dignity as no doubt in years to come she will look back and wish she had at least tried to let it go and move forward. But sometimes people need a rock bottom so to speak.

Rather than going round in circles like this, send the email, get the answers, beg him to come back. Then hopefully you can move forward.

OP, please don't take this as a pile on, but from the safe distance we're all standing at, this is what I predict will happen if you email him with your list of questions:

he will say, what? Seriously? After two years you want me to tell you why I broke up with you? It's because you're obsessive and clingy, that's why, you crazy woman.

This WON'T BE THE REASON. He broke up with you because he was cheating on you with someone else, and he was a coward. But you and your depression will take that as the definitive reason and you'll lock it down as confirmation that it was your fault, because you're unlovable. Whatever he says, you'll make into your fault. Don't even give him the chance.

You're not in love with him. You're in love with a completely imaginary vision of how happy you could have been together IF he hadn't cheated, IF he hadn't hacked your computer, IF he hadn't hit you, IF he had committed to you, IF he'd loved you. The reality is, he fell for someone else. The end. So much of your energy is invested in believing all that fantasy was real that you have to make its failure your fault as the explanation, and this is so wrong, and so unhealthy it will destroy you.

What can any of us say? End your equally debilitating relationship with your current man, get a CBT counsellor and work out if you want to have a child on your own. But you really need to let this go.

Also, check out Sunk Cost Fallacy.

NotNowBono you're right.

But even on the off chance that he does tell you the truth op and gives you chapter and verse of what went on, a blow by blow account and you know every single grain of truth (he won't by the way, he's an arsehole) then what? Will it bring him back? No! Will it make you feel better about it? No (possibly worse). Will it make him sorry? No! Will it make him love you again? No.

So honestly, truthfully, I'm trying to communicate this with every fibre of my being...IT DOESN'T MATTER

While you are still churning over this and torturing yourself, you strand absolutely no chance whatsoever of moving forward to happiness. This is the time you're wasting. now. Not the time you were with him. You can't get that back anyway. But you can stop wasting time now.

Today I can't get out of bed. Everything seems pointless. I know at times my relationship with him wasn't great but we were there for each other. I can't carry on like this. I just really miss him, feel guilty for not being enough.

Please go to your GP asap city