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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I've been hit by a bus

298 replies

rubyroux · 07/07/2015 08:13

So yesterday I got the 'we need to talk text'. I was out until half 8, texted him to come round. He said he'd fallen asleep and could he come tomorrow. No, I needed to talk to him so he came at about 9. Basically said he hadn't been feeling this was working and couldn't be 'arsed' with me anymore. I was doing that horrible silent crying and couldn't speak. After about an hour he said this was 'harder than he'd thought' (because apparently dumping your gf of 18 months is going to be easy) and that maybe we should reconsider. So I get another chance! But I'm not allowed to 'try too hard' it has to come naturally Hmm. He's off on a stag do this weekend (to somewhere that rhymes with shag-a-scruff) and I asked if he was planning on doing something when out there. He said no but that I'd be 'able to tell if he had when he got back'. So I have to analyse his behaviour when he comes back to see if he's cheated on me?

I feel sick, like I've been punched in the stomach. I don't want to break up, that's the last thing I want but I don't want all this shit either. I feel awful, couldn't sleep last night. Got up early and came to work and I've got about 15 mins before people start arriving. I look shit, my eyes are all red and I can't speak without crying. Does anyone have a grip to quickly give me?

OP posts:
CantAffordtoLive · 07/07/2015 08:17

Bloody hell. Your post reminds me of the stuff my DDs ExBF used to put her through. The times she had to call in sick to work because she couldn't stop crying.

Well. She eventually managed to get rid of the abusive arse and she is so much happier and more confident.

Pull yourself together, concentrate on your job and at lunch time, text him to tell him to have fun then delete and block and never have anything to do with him again.

ohlamour · 07/07/2015 08:17

Let him go! You deserve FAR better. How dare he treat you like that? I'm 4 weeks on from splitting with my P of 19 months. I went NC & its AWFUL but it's working in that I'm trying to focus on myself. Do the same, it hurts but irs the only way otherwise he'll run rings around you. Have a look at baggagereclaim.co.uk - it's been my bible! Good luck xxxx

Justawaterformeplease · 07/07/2015 08:20

No, no, no. This CANNOT all be on his terms. He's basically giving himself a pass for this stag do. You need to take back the control, say sorry, that isn't enough for me.

However you feel about him, you need to end it. Make him realise what he'll actually lose. He's having his cake and eating it at the moment, isn't he? Bastard.

Wash your face, have a cup of coffee. What are your workmates like? Can you talk to them about it? If not, might playing "normal" help you to get through the day?

Justawaterformeplease · 07/07/2015 08:21

Just re-read your post. Could be "arsed"?? Fuck off, love!

Justawaterformeplease · 07/07/2015 08:22

(Not you, him!)

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 07/07/2015 08:23

Oh my, I'm sorry OP. What a loser! Your boyfriend I mean.

Why don't you want to break up with him? When he said he can't be bothered to make an effort with you and may or may not cheat on you if he feels like it?

He doesn't get to decide - you do - you deserve way better than that.

MrsEvadneCake · 07/07/2015 08:25

He can't be arsed with you? That would end it for me.

He will be off all weekend and sleeping with anyone he pleases. While you sit feeling sick and miserable. When he gets back you'll say you think he did and you'll be "controlling and looking for the worst in him and trying too hard"

Just dump him now. He does not love you. I'm sorry. Flowers

Janette123 · 07/07/2015 08:25

rubyroux,
You boyfriend is an ignorant abusive jerk.

"He's off on a stag do this weekend (to somewhere that rhymes with shag-a-scruff) and I asked if he was planning on doing something when out there. He said no but that I'd be 'able to tell if he had when he got back'. So I have to analyse his behaviour when he comes back to see if he's cheated on me?"

^^ and he's sexually irresponsible as well. He doesn't know if he'll cheat or not and he doesn't care if he does. What about STDs ffs ?

" Basically said he hadn't been feeling this was working and couldn't be 'arsed' with me anymore"

So why on earth would you want anything to do with someone who disrespects you like this?

Surely you know you can do better than this?

Please dump this sorry sack of runny poop as soon as you can.

SwearyInn · 07/07/2015 08:26

You'll be far, far happier without him in the longer term. I went through this and said I was happy to overlook his "indiscretions" when on holiday - what an idiot I was. It ended before he went anyway. I look back on it and realise how completely unhappy I was all the time I was with him.

Leave, go through the shitty break-up feeling, then you'll find you're walking with a spring in your step. Life is too short to hand over part of it to a selfish prick.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/07/2015 08:26

So he wanted to dump you so he was free to do as he pleased on the stag do.

He then felt guilty and took you back.

I really wouldn't persevere with this relationship. It was no coincidence that he dumped you prior to going on a stag do.

In his defence he didn't want to go there and cheat which is why he tried to be single before he went.........set him free

karinmaria · 07/07/2015 08:27

Errrr what a shit. Sounds as though he wants a free pass for the stag do and his friends have probably egged him on too.

You deserve far better than this. It will be much worse when he comes back and you'll not be able to tell if he's cheated or not Confused what a knob.

Take back the control and tell him to fuck off. Ending it now will hurt far less in the long run, trust me I've been there.

Thanks For you

Christelle2207 · 07/07/2015 08:28

I had a similar experience with my ex and I know it's horrid but you know you need to walk away from this loser. Talk to your friends, surely they can offer some encouragement?

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 08:32

I wish I could, I really wish I could. If it was anyone else I'd have the rage and tell them to fuck the fuck off but I can't fgs. I'll have a look at that website oh, thanks xx

OP posts:
Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 08:36

Oh sorry, just seen all these replies. Can't really talk to anyone at work because I work with all men and also I can't talk about it without crying.

I did say it seemed a little convenient that he was doing this the weekend before he went away. He said it would have been worse when he got back because I'd have thought he'd cheated on me so I didn't know what to think then.

Last weekend we went away to see my family abroad. The stupid shit I introduced him to everyone and was so happy he'd met them. I can't tell them all the week after that it's over, they liked him

OP posts:
flanjabelle · 07/07/2015 08:37

Do you really need us to tell you thatt this guy is a waste of space? He is never going to treat you with the respect you deserve. He wants to fuck someone on holiday. he wants to come back and have the pleasure of seeing how devastated you are, and have you desperate for him to pick you over the single life. I would imagine when he gets back he will want you to have a casual relationship (code - he can fuck you when he wants while acting like a single bloke when out), hence the not try too hard. That means you won't be able to ask where he is or with whom or act as though you are actually together.

My God woman, get rid of this loser. Get your power back and refuse to be this man's convenient ball drainer.

I'm so sorry for your pain, but if you stay waiting around for this pathetic wanker, all you are setting yourself up for is more of the same.

Good luck op. Keep posting and let us help you find your woman power again.

MadeMan · 07/07/2015 08:38

"Basically said he hadn't been feeling this was working and couldn't be 'arsed' with me anymore."

If this is what he's pretty much told you, then I'd take him at his word here; with or without the stag weekend.

Anyone, male or female, who's only half in a relationship is a waste of time in my opinion.

If it were me the doubts would now be in and I'd be telling him it's over; no time for flakey behaviour.

TheQueenOfSheba · 07/07/2015 08:39

WTF?!? Where's your self-respect woman!

AnyFucker · 07/07/2015 08:39

I used to have a boyfriend like this

I would get dumped before a lads holiday so he got a free pass to shag around

he got some girl pregnant on one of his "passes" and still I hung around like an absolute doormat, so pleased he "realised" he did want only me after all

until the next time

the trouble is, once you make it clear you will tolerate this and keep coming back for more there will inevitably be many more "next times"

thankfully, my particular twat made a classic mistake of giving me an ultimatum. Oh, how I laughed and finally woke the fuck up

fatbottomgirl67 · 07/07/2015 08:40

Please don't agree to his behaviour or you could find this carrying on for years to come and you really deserve better. If he really wants to go and screw about this week end do you really want him if your life? It might hurt but he is going to carry on if you let him. Take care of your self

happywiththis · 07/07/2015 08:44

you poor chick. what kind of man is that? how pathetic he is, and how much better off you'll be without him.
it hurts terribly terribly badly... i know.
But get your tough on and cut him off.
And know that a better door will open for you.
Hugs, and hoping your day will get better xxxxxxxx

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 08:45

Thank you everyone Flowers. I want to find my woman power again flanjabelle I don't know where the old ruby has gone. I said last night when he was telling me it was over 'okay so if you never saw me again after tonight would you be happy with that' and he cried a bit and said 'but we would still see each other, I still like you and get on with you'. So why is he doing this?

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 07/07/2015 08:45

You loved him and family liked him because of the person he appeared to be, but that's not the real him.
You don't love who he's turned out to be.

Just tell them you found out something that caused you to split.

Have this grip and have these too Brew CakeFlowers

Penfold007 · 07/07/2015 08:46

Pull together every last shred of strength, keep your self-esteem and walk away.

flanjabelle · 07/07/2015 08:48

Oh and you absolutely can tell your family that it's over if you want to. Just tell them you decided he wasn't good enough and wasn't what he seemed. You are moving on to better things.

happywiththis · 07/07/2015 08:49

plus - just wanted to add - couldnt be 'arsed'?!?!?!?! that is utterly appalling. He's clearly the kind of person who's not going to get 'arsed' as time goes on either.
A 'can't be arsed' husband?
A 'can't be arsed' father?

wow. this is your lucky escape.

look after yourself. And if your family want to know, what happened, tell them. What an unbelievably pathetic integrity-less piece of crap.