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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I've been hit by a bus

298 replies

rubyroux · 07/07/2015 08:13

So yesterday I got the 'we need to talk text'. I was out until half 8, texted him to come round. He said he'd fallen asleep and could he come tomorrow. No, I needed to talk to him so he came at about 9. Basically said he hadn't been feeling this was working and couldn't be 'arsed' with me anymore. I was doing that horrible silent crying and couldn't speak. After about an hour he said this was 'harder than he'd thought' (because apparently dumping your gf of 18 months is going to be easy) and that maybe we should reconsider. So I get another chance! But I'm not allowed to 'try too hard' it has to come naturally Hmm. He's off on a stag do this weekend (to somewhere that rhymes with shag-a-scruff) and I asked if he was planning on doing something when out there. He said no but that I'd be 'able to tell if he had when he got back'. So I have to analyse his behaviour when he comes back to see if he's cheated on me?

I feel sick, like I've been punched in the stomach. I don't want to break up, that's the last thing I want but I don't want all this shit either. I feel awful, couldn't sleep last night. Got up early and came to work and I've got about 15 mins before people start arriving. I look shit, my eyes are all red and I can't speak without crying. Does anyone have a grip to quickly give me?

OP posts:
Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 13:03

Grenade.. Machine gun... Jo Malone candle... I'm pissing myself!

Anyway, I replied (sorry) saying 'back to basics?' And he basically confirmed what you've all been saying in your replies:

'You know how we used to be, good sex and no moaning at each other all the time'

So basically he wants to nice glowy honeymoon period again but without all the other 'relationship stuff'?

OP posts:
Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 13:04

Also I'm starting to feel a bit better now and not so much like a weak kitten so thanks all

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/07/2015 13:06

by "no moaning" he means for you to STFU and spread your legs, asking no questions about where else he might be bestowing his "favours"

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 13:07

Eurgh vomits

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/07/2015 13:07

You are waaaay out of his league, seriously

Ohfourfoxache · 07/07/2015 13:07

Aw, bless him! His wee brain is telling him that relationships have a reset button! Poor little mite, doesn't get adult relationships, does he? Hmm

Fucking prick Angry

Christ, his true colours are coming out now, eh?

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 07/07/2015 13:07

We'll all keep you going Ruby don't worry.

Personally I can't begin to think what you see in him. Sounds like your mum has the measure of him,

If you were reading this instead of living it, things would be so much clearer for you, but you'll soon join the ranks of women who thank their lucky stars that they got out and feel a major 'what the hell was I thinking'
There are very very few who've been in your position who don't end up
grateful at how things turned out.

I hope you block contact from him, but if you don't then when you read anything just roll your eyes and shake your head and think 'What a ...'

Ohfourfoxache · 07/07/2015 13:08

Very crudely put but very true ^

KatieScarlettreregged · 07/07/2015 13:08

The cheek of him!

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 13:12

Aren't they just Ohfour Angry

And thanks Enrique, you actually are all keeping me going. I haven't told my best friend yet (she knows something is up and asked if I wanted to go to the pub for a g&t tonight) and it helps so much being able to say stuff I wouldn't in real life and vent.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 13:12

Just say you were crying at the thought of the bullet you'd dodged.

OP, one day you will be talking to someone about this and you will be laughing so much at this twat who is considering whether you are worthy of him.

Move into your new place - get a lodger if you want company - and thank your lucky stars this idiot's gone from your life.

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 13:13

Of course if you really wanted to be horrible, you could dump him when he's on his way back from Magaluf. He'd be kicking himself at the wasted shagging opportunities.

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 13:13

Fuck sake the weather matches my mood and I don't have a brolly, would it be acceptable to stay in the car all afternoon and MN instead of going back in to work?

Feel like I've been hit by a bus
OP posts:
sherbetpips · 07/07/2015 13:13

Not much to add to all this good advice other than to tell him that he is right, the relationship is not progressing and it would be better for you both to move on. No crying, no jumping back into bed and no contact.

I wish that mumsnet had been around when I was with a jerk, I wouldn't have put up with all his cheating and manipulation if there had been someone to give me honest answers.

wallaby73 · 07/07/2015 13:14

What "back to basics" actually looks like is him wanting you to provide sex, but any sign of you know, expectations of fidelity , respect, reliability....you know, "relationship" stuff, and he'll be "hey! I said back to basics! Don't pressure me!" And you'll be on eggshells grateful for the scraps he throws you.

Except you won't because you won't be doing the above will you? Nope, your mum is right, as is the wimmin of MN!

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 13:15

I like your style Imperial. I was considering a lodger but the spare room is tiny and I'm not sure anyone would want it. It is in a lovely part of the English countryside though and comes with a complementary doggy Grin

OP posts:
IceBeing · 07/07/2015 13:16

Oh! I am such an idiot! Why didn't I demand all the good bits of relationships without the bad bits!

I should have had DH sign an 'only good stuff or I dump you' contract!

ruby your partner isn't a smegma formation at all...he's a genius!

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 07/07/2015 13:16

When you do tell your friends and family you might be surprised at their reactions.

One of my DCs was with someone for years. No one approved of the relationship, but you can't tell some people especially when they're wearing relationship blinkers and you only risk alienating yourself from them if you do try to help them wise up.
DC was devastated when it finished but couldn't be happier now and even more relieved when they see what the other person's gone on to do.

KatieScarlettreregged · 07/07/2015 13:17

I had an arse who said those exact words to me (ok, he wrote me a letter but twas in ye olden days).
I ignored, got pestered for a bit, then met and married lovely DH.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 07/07/2015 13:19

When you move advertise your spare room at a price appropriate for its size and the other facilities in the house. You never know.
Best of all, you don't have to say yes to just anybody, you get to choose carefully who you live with if you choose anyone at all.

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 13:35

I know Ice, silly you!!

Ooh Katie I think I'd prefer a letter then he wouldn't have been able to use shitty emojis in it.

Good plan Enrique, I think I might live alone by myself for a little bit and see how it goes and if I get really lonely, advertise for a spare room. Probably a topic for another thread but I feel so guilty for leaving my mum alone. I know I have to move out sometime but it doesn't make me feel any less shit

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/07/2015 13:40

How big is the spare room?

KatieScarlettreregged · 07/07/2015 13:41

Yes, you would think so, except his grammar and spelling left a lot to be desired. Oh, that and the fact he was an estate agent...

Fearless91 · 07/07/2015 13:42

OP you don't have to make a decision now but I think you should go along with it.

Tell him yes you would like to go back to basics. But get your money back today! Reply to him and say you would like to meet up later but please would he transfer back your money. It takes 2 minutes.

He might mean what he's saying, but isn't it convienient how he wants to get back together after you've asked for your money back?

Once you do get your money you can then decide what you do - stay with him or not.

Original poster
rubyroux · 07/07/2015 13:50

Imperial It currently has a single bed in it with space for another single next to it. So tiny. But does look out on lovely fields and is in a nice spot.

Katie Say no more, I don't even have to hear about what he did Shock

Fearless I think you're getting mixed up with another thread. He doesn't owe me money, just emotional baggage Grin

OP posts:
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