Feel like I've been hit by a bus

[rubyroux]

So yesterday I got the 'we need to talk text'. I was out until half 8, texted him to come round. He said he'd fallen asleep and could he come tomorrow. No, I needed to talk to him so he came at about 9. Basically said he hadn't been feeling this was working and couldn't be 'arsed' with me anymore. I was doing that horrible silent crying and couldn't speak. After about an hour he said this was 'harder than he'd thought' (because apparently dumping your gf of 18 months is going to be easy) and that maybe we should reconsider. So I get another chance! But I'm not allowed to 'try too hard' it has to come naturally . He's off on a stag do this weekend (to somewhere that rhymes with shag-a-scruff) and I asked if he was planning on doing something when out there. He said no but that I'd be 'able to tell if he had when he got back'. So I have to analyse his behaviour when he comes back to see if he's cheated on me?

I feel sick, like I've been punched in the stomach. I don't want to break up, that's the last thing I want but I don't want all this shit either. I feel awful, couldn't sleep last night. Got up early and came to work and I've got about 15 mins before people start arriving. I look shit, my eyes are all red and I can't speak without crying. Does anyone have a grip to quickly give me?

I'm sorry, but the still wanting to see each other is him using your feelings to guarentee himself a convenient shag. he knows you will be waiting for him to deign to show you a drop of affection. Please dont give him the ego boost of proving him right. God some men are shits.

Ruby, it's a horrible situation to be in because you still love him, your feelings haven't changed, so it feels almost impossible to end things at this stage. I know how it feels to know what to do but not be able to do it, and although I'll say you need to walk away from him for the sake of your self esteem, I know that can be easier said than done. All I would say is prepare for more of this sort of shit from him, and until you are ready to dump him try your best to detach a bit emotionally and look after yourself as best you can. Look at Baggage Reclaim too.

WhatALoad yes that's exactly it! I feel like if I walked away now I'd be the one who had ruined things and would blame myself forever. I can't imagine my future without him. However bizarre that sounds . I'll look at that website at break time when I get a minute.

Definitely dump the shitbag at lunchtime. I'm sorry Ruby, but his behaviour is awful. What happens if you do decide to tolerate it? How will you know if he has cheated? You'll be accused of being crazy if you ask him "see! This is exactly what I meant when I tried to break up with you last week." Etc.

I know it hurts, but it'll be far worse if you waste anymore of your life with this grot bag.

For you. Keep yourself busy. Do you get on well with your colleagues? Getting a male's perspective might not be the worst idea!

Gather yourself respect woman, yesyou can - if you don't assert yourself you will look back and cringe at what you "let" pass. Christ he sounds embarrassing......

And I agree with those who say if he can't be arsed now it won't get better. This is because he's just not into you enough to care that much. Believe me, it doesn't get better and these men don't wake up one day madly in love with us said from bitter experience.

I know what you're saying is right . I will be busy, I have 10 hours of towing lessons this weekend and then my trailer test on Monday. I can't not pass but unsure how I'll be able to concentrate.

It's only me and one other person in today but I don't want to talk to him, I feel embarassed because I know how it sounds out loud. I want to try maintain some professionalism!

Take charge of the situation. At the moment you're letting him have all the power.

He's telling you who he is, and he isn't a very nice person, is he?

Bin him.

He wants his cake and eat it doesn't he? Wanker

I'm so sorry you're goingthrough this

Oh Ruby how vile
Re the looming being unfaithful
'You'll know if I have when I get back'....quite possibly especially if he doesn't use protection.

Obviously wants to party as a single guy re the timing of his revelation.

"I've thought about what you said boyfriend re me not trying to hard....you are so right that....well....I've decided not to try at all"

So he wants to keep you as a 'friend' for attention and sex while he shags about? Lovely.
You need to find some self respect lovely, he's treating you like an absolute mug.

Don't worry at all, OP. You'll get over this one. In time, you'll recall the bloke that fell asleep after sending you a "we need to talk text" and then caved because it wasn't easy enough to dump you. You'll recall him and shake your head at how inept some blokes are, and how you actually believed he was worth holding on to.

Just keep your eyes straight on the horizon, time heals all.

He is an UTTER COCK! You need to dig deep and get rid of him. no woman needs a partner who 'can't be arsed' with them, let alone someone who wants to get out of a relationship so they can get laid on a stag do in Shagaluf.

So sorry he turned out to be horrible. Please please don't put up with this shit. You deserve so much better.

Meant to add that, in my experience, not only do they act more and more like bastards once they've tested the waters and we've not dumped them, but that eventually they dump us! Oh yes, not only do we put up with months/years of their esteem damaging shit in the hope they will morph into Mr Wonderful, but they get sick of dating a doormat and trade us in. I wish MN was around to give me a reality check when I was dating these losers.

Thank you for all these replies, but will you all stop being so kind. It's making me teary again at my desk . He kept asking me why I got up an hour early and why I couldn't eat breakfast. Is he fucking blind to what he's doing?

Do you live together?

I've been in that position where I knew he was a dick but I couldn't be the one to end it. Its hard, I won't judge you.

But one day when you're free of this total twat and have met someone who treats you with love and respect you will look back at this time and wonder why the hell you put up with it.

Let's just hope that's sooner rather than later

No, I live at home but he comes 3/4 nights a week. I'm currently in the process of getting a house (waiting for it to go through) but he has nothing to do with the house, I'm getting it alone

OP... I'm so sorry that you're upset, you have every reason to be. Cry yourself out then think about what is happening here. You've had the best 'present' ever really because he's shown you - upfront an personal - what he thinks of you. "Can't be arsed"... would your family want this for you, a partner who thinks so little of you? Would you want one like this for your future daughter or son? Or anybody you love, come to that?

I love this from Only1scoop, it should be on a fridge magnet or, in lieu of that, somewhere you can see it plainly:

"I've thought about what you said boyfriend re me not trying to hard....you are so right that....well....I've decided not to try at all"

He will hurt you if you let him... DON'T let him!

I can almost guarantee once he gets back from Majorca he'll come snivelling back, claiming he either didn't shag anyone or he did and it was "awful" and he now realises how much he loves you.

I suppose if I had to be kind at least he is ending it before he goes rather than just cheating.

If he cannot be mature enough to handle a lads holiday without having to shag someone else then he honestly isn't worth your time or energy.

You are worth more than this

So he stayed last night in your home after force-feeding you that shit sandwich? Make him persona non grata today, OP, don't let him over your doorstep again. You can do this!

How old are you both?

I think it's fairly obvious that he's planning to shag around in shag-a-luff. And then presumably come home and miraculously have made a mistake, changed his mind, loves you really etc. You can hang on in there for a few years while he breaks your heart once or twice a year or you can dump the tosspot now and find someone who really loves you and treats you like you deserve.

Quiero thing is he's been away loads with his friends, they go on city breaks quite a lot of weekends a year. I've always trusted him (maybe somewhat naively). We're both in our 20s, he's 4 years older

You think he will miss you on holiday, realise you are meant to beeee and will live happily ever after...
No.
What will happen is he will have a fantastic time in Shagaluf, come back, throw you a few scraps, fuck you around some more, turn you into a pathetic, simpering wreck till he dumps you for a new and shiny model.
If you stick around after knowing he really CBA about you and values the freedom to fuck with his mates more than your relationship, you are signing up to misery.