Feel like I've been hit by a bus

[rubyroux]

So yesterday I got the 'we need to talk text'. I was out until half 8, texted him to come round. He said he'd fallen asleep and could he come tomorrow. No, I needed to talk to him so he came at about 9. Basically said he hadn't been feeling this was working and couldn't be 'arsed' with me anymore. I was doing that horrible silent crying and couldn't speak. After about an hour he said this was 'harder than he'd thought' (because apparently dumping your gf of 18 months is going to be easy) and that maybe we should reconsider. So I get another chance! But I'm not allowed to 'try too hard' it has to come naturally . He's off on a stag do this weekend (to somewhere that rhymes with shag-a-scruff) and I asked if he was planning on doing something when out there. He said no but that I'd be 'able to tell if he had when he got back'. So I have to analyse his behaviour when he comes back to see if he's cheated on me?

I feel sick, like I've been punched in the stomach. I don't want to break up, that's the last thing I want but I don't want all this shit either. I feel awful, couldn't sleep last night. Got up early and came to work and I've got about 15 mins before people start arriving. I look shit, my eyes are all red and I can't speak without crying. Does anyone have a grip to quickly give me?

Ahhh Ruby .. As the saying goes 'when someone tells you who they are, believe them'
He's shown you what a bell end he is.
Trust me and pp when we say you can do better !
I know it's hard, but I promise you'll look back and so happy you're not in it any more- good luck !

Maybe the holiday is a red herring then and he just wants out . Some people aren't very good at handling other people's emotions. Or rather how shit it makes them feel when they see what they've done to someone. He might have started back-pedalling because he couldn't handle you being upset.

Whatever the reason Ruby, You have to take control of this situation. Don't sit and wait for him to decide whether he can be 'arsed' as he so charmingly puts it. You decide what happens next.

Right, come on Ruby. You can do this.

I'm not going to be (intentionally) nice, not for now at least. Let's wait til you finish work.

Sweetheart you're in your 20's. You should be having fun, these are the best years of your life. And without wanting to hurt you, it's fine if you're with someone who treats you well, who loves you without question, who is kind, considerate, thoughtful.

He is none of these things.

He couldn't be arsed? What. The. Actual. Fuck????? How fucking DARE he treat you like that? What a grade A fucking tosser of Wankerdom.

And it's all SO convenient that he's doing this just as he's about to go off to shag a scruff. So what happens when he gets back? "Oh, it's ok that I shagged around cos we were on a break".

You may be able to tell I'm really for you - you are worth so, so much more than this loser. Don't give him any more options - dump his sorry arse and delete/block. You don't need a turd like this in your life xx

Never let a man treat you like a cunt.
that's all he thinks you are.

you're waaaaaaaaaaay better than this and deserve the best.

don't waste your tears on this smegma formation.
dump his ass.

Ruby....
He kept asking me why I got up an hour early and why I couldn't eat breakfast. Is he fucking blind to what he's doing?

Ruby, yep, you got it! He's fucking blind to what he's doing, and translated, that means, he's a young guy without much emotional intelligence. Would you let a Labrador cut your hair? Would you let a koala make your Sunday lunch? Would you let this guy be entrusted with your emotional happiness.

D'Oh! You're getting the wake up call. Don't go back to sleep.

What the actual fuck OP?

Don't ever let anyone treat you like this, FFS!

Oh thank you everyone, you're really helping. And I did a little grin at 'smegma formation'.

What a shit fucking day it is, it's my dad's birthday who lives in hospital and probably won't ever come out (been sectioned, MH problems). I'll have to go tonight and pretend everything is fine to support my mum. Maybe he couldn't handle my baggage? He did once ask me if I was prone to being 'mental' like my dad

???????????? he asked you what?? He sounds worse with each post! You are well rid of the moron.

Sorry, those boxes are meant to be faces

I think he was joking a bit? He never really knows what to say about my dad. It's a tricky situation, some people don't understand MH problems I don't think (I don't fully, my dad has been there 2 years now, why can't he get better )

It's hard - I get it.

You fell in love with a "great guy" and suddenly this tosser shows up....

We the thing is they are one and the same. He's just hidden this aspect of his character from you.

So instead of doing the "pick me" dance, kick him into the gutter where he belongs.

He is not the man you thought he was - but thank god you are only 18 months in and in your twenties with no kids. Yes it's sad, but it's not the end of the world.

Don't waste any more time on him.

Text him today and say "I've thought about your proposition and decided to decline. You obviously wanted a free pass for you holiday, well you've got one - perhaps for longer than you anticipated. Refrain from contacting me again on your return as I have no intention of playing the "was he faithful" game with you. With anyone worth it (or indeed worth me) I would have no need to."

Holy fuck on a fiddlestick

He asked you if you were prone to being "mental"

Ok. So let's get this straight. He has zero emotional intelligence. He's a cunt. And - oh look! - he's as thick as pig shit to top!

MH problems are horrible. As someone who has been depressed all her life, I don't understand either. But for the love of God, what an obscenely offensive question to ask

Back Yeah, he said last night 'I never wanted to be one of those couples that argues all the time'. We didn't argue, he was just off and moody with me. Maybe if he'd discussed things through like a normal person it wouldn't have ended up like this shitstorm.

And Yellow, definitely. I feel like I'm insulting some people that have kids, have been married years etc because my problems don't really compare but it still makes it really fucking difficult. I've never been like this before please understand, usually I'm pretty indifferent to the people I'm with and have always been the 'dumper'. To have the shoe on the other foot is torture

Indeed he did Ohfour. And for depression, it's such a horrible horrible thing having to watch someone you love suffer from it so can't imagine what it's like to be in its grip.

I don't think you are insulting anyone Ruby.

It is hard. However this situation isn't going to get better. If you don't take control then it's a green light to be treated like shit for however long he decides to string you along.

However bad you feel now, you are not going to feel better 3 years down the line with a man (tosser) who you will always wonder was/is/will be faithful to you. That's no way to live.

Oh Ruby, from my quick read he is very thick and has zero respect for you.

You have to show him you have the self-respect it takes to end this. I know how hard it is so am sending you loads of courage from afar

Hi ruby no grip from me I'm afraid, but I'm in a similar place to you and just wanted you to let you know you're not alone in this weepy, nauseous, messy stage.

OP your relationship with this man is over.

It can be on your terms (strong woman asking him who the actual fuck he thinks he is and kicking him to the kerb) or on his terms ('Ha, I get to shag around Magaluf and then go home and spend 4 nights a week in Ruby's new house when she gets it, to keep me ticking over until I find someone new to shag').

Bin him. Do it today. Every time you feel sad remember the things he has said to you. He is not a nice person. A nice person does not behave the way he behaves. Put some bloody value on yourself because if you don't, he certainly won't.

Don't do the ' face on the tea towel ' scenario. What allegedly princess DI's sister said to her on the eve of her wedding to Charles and she allegedly had cold feet...but went ahead anyway as her face was printed on t towels, mugs, plates etc and the People were baying for a fairy tale wedding.

You don't live in that world.

Tell your family, they are your allies and your army. Gather your team around you and tell them as pp suggested...not only was he not worthy of you he wasn't worthy of being inthe family firm with them.

They will love you for your judgement and strength of character.

When a man loses his love for a woman is the time you see the true colours. We can all fall out of love. A decent human being will have enough care and concern for the one they are leaving behind Tobe kind,loving and gentle when they let them go.

Someone who is not of that ilk will be hurtful, casual and uncaring.

Your bf may be older than you but emotionally is a boychild. You don't need one of those especially if you have a child with him.

Enjoy the time you had with him but see it as it being over and time to move on.

He is not the love of your life and you aren't his. If you were he would be beating a path to your door with elbows out in case rivals got to you first.

Dry your eyes. Concentrate on being professional. Get through your course at the weekend.

Six months from now you'll be telling us about this fantastic new guy and the wonderful life you are having and you can't believe what a loser other guy was.

To Ruby and MyTurn xx

Ruby you're not insulting anyone sweetheart.

Look at it this way. Let's say you've got a broken arm and I've got a broken leg. Both hurt. You can walk around, I can't. Does that make your arm hurt any less? No. Just because a situation is different, it doesn't make the pain any more bearable.

Re depression - I often think it's worse for loved ones to deal with depression. It's hard watching someone you love go through something that you can't practically do anything about. Obviously I don't know the details, but I'm willing to bet anything that you find it hard with your dad in hospital

And that's before you have selfish arseholes asking stupid questions

Oh Ruby, I'm so sorry to be so blunt, but he doesn't love you and he doesn't want to be with you. I can pretty much guarantee that even when he comes back after shagging on the stag weekend no doubt he will be looking for someone else and using you when he wants to.

When I was much younger I went through a few relationships like this. I allowed myself to be used and unfortunately it's had a long-term effect on me. I no longer enjoy sex, even with DH, because I used it as a way of keeping men when I was younger. Clearly it didn't work but I thought that it would. Then one day I met DH who adores me, but the damage has already been done.

What these relationships also did was harden me very much. I have never fully 'given' myself to DH. I have built many walls and assume that one day he will leave me. I know that I will be OK if he does because I've never fully given myself, which is actually very sad.

I wish I'd been stronger in the younger days and it wouldn't have come to this.

Be strong Ruby. Have dignity and get out, he's laughing at you (and his mates will be too). Please please please don't let him get away with it.

Good luck!

Turn it around and imagine yourself x years down the line with him with a couple of kids and he has ascertained his "right" to keep on going away for weekends and holidays to Shagaluf...

Is that the future you envisage for yourself? Of course not!

Better to go through the short sharp shock than to have years of that misery!

And what an arsehole for not understanding mental health situations. You do NOT need him in your corner. He will keep referring to it for ever.

Ruby - listen to "I had a little time" by The Beautiful South.

Says it all really....

"A Little Time"

[male singer] I need a little time to think it over
I need a little space just on my own
I need a little time to find my freedom
I need a little

[female] Funny how quick the milk turned sour, isn't it, isn't it?
Your face has been looking like that for hours, hasn't it, hasn't it?
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust

[male] I need a little room to find myself
I need a little space to work it out
I need a little room all alone
I need a little

[female] You need a little room for your big head, don't you, don't you?
You need a little space for a thousand beds, won't you, won't you?
Lips that promise fear the worst
Tongue so sharp the bubble burst
Just into unjust

[male] I've had a little time to find the truth
Now I've had a little room to check what's wrong
I've had a little time and I still love you
I've had a little

[female to the end] You had a little time and you had a little fun, didn't you, didn't you?
While you had yours do you think I had none, do you, do you?
The freedom that you wanted back is yours for good, I hope you're glad
Sad into unsad

I had a little time to think it over
I had a little room to work it out
I've found a little courage to call it off
I've had a little time

I've had a little time
I've had a little time
I've had a little time