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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What if...

114 replies

tuppenneth · 12/05/2015 22:38

..somebody had it in them to change positively, to work harder on a relationship , to open up more , share their feelings better and to make their partner who had previously felt neglected or unloved , feel cherished and wanted again , but never got the chance because of the one sided advice picked up from some of the posters on here?

What if someone had genuine depression and suicidal thoughts as the result of a relationship breakdown , but the ex partner completely ignored the warning signs and pleas for help because the same section of posters that show up on all of the threads of a similar nature , warned the poster that it was 100% just another example of the emotional abuse script? What if the thoughts / pleas / god forbid, actions , turned out to be bona fide?

I get the feeling that far too many posters are a little trigger happy for one reason or another. Why does the stock answer more often than not , have to be to run away?

I can predict some of the suspicious responses that I'll probably get to this before i've even finished typing.

OP posts:

Noneedtoworryatall · 12/05/2015 22:50

I agree with most of what you have written.

Bet you weren't expecting that

ALaughAMinute · 12/05/2015 22:55

There is a pack mentality on here, it has to be said.

pocketsaviour · 12/05/2015 22:55

Fixed that for you.

Are you suggesting that someone leaving a relationship is responsible for their ex-partner's mental health and physical well-being? Because, you know, they're not. That's what doctors, family, and friends are for. Not ex-partners. And I've personally had the "don't leave me or I'll kill myself oh I've taken an overdose" dramatic note (before the days of texting!) and taken said person to the hospital myself and beaten myself with the guilty stick, and then felt like an utter fool when I went to see him in hospital and he then said "so you'll go back out with me now then? brilliant." This, by the way, was a guy who repeatedly raped and beat me. So, there's that.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2015 22:56

Next !

springydaffs · 12/05/2015 22:58

I get your point, I really do. MN can be very b&w about things sometimes...

BUT there are many posters on MN who have experienced domestic abuse and can see the tell-tale signs a mile off. Domestic abuse really IS b&w, as hard as that is to take. To those who know what to look out for through bitter experience, it is just as b&w if there is no physical violence. It may seem as though posters are swooping in screeching LTB for no good reason, but there often is good reason - not least that the victim of an abuser is notoriously the last one to know and needs it spelled out very clearly.

worserevived · 12/05/2015 23:00

I've wondered the same myself, but you'd like to hope that those posting are able to make their own decisions and not just follow the herd.

Twinklestein · 12/05/2015 23:03

This is just so thick I can't even be arsed.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/05/2015 23:06

Well, you know, sometimes relationships end. It's nice to have someone to blame other than your ex, who you now know can't help it because it was the harpies' fault.

I know if I had posted about my ridiculous relationship with XH before I'd decided to leave him I'd probably have rejected the advice and even hung on a bit longer to prove it wasn't like that at all. As it was I found MN after I'd already decided enough was enough, and took a lot of comfort from discovering that abusive partners really do seem to work from some sort of script. Funnily enough the script often includes accusations of other people giving the abused spouse ideas. ("You've been talking to your sister again" was one of XH's favourites.) Because obviously she's a bit too weak and/or thick to make her own mind up.

The sad fact is that most lousy partners do have it within them to change, but the majority never will. They just wander off after another victim and work the same pattern again because it's the only way they really know how to relate to other people. I'd quite pity them if they didn't put so much energy into making other people miserable.

worserevived · 12/05/2015 23:06

AF are you really so astoundingly arrogant to dismiss the OP out of hand without even entering into a discussion about it? Are you never wrong?

ToYouToMe · 12/05/2015 23:07

I agree with all that you've written.

I imagine the same section of posters that show up on all of the threads of a similar nature will ignore this thread.

They don't like 'man pleasers'.

newnamesamegame · 12/05/2015 23:08

In my experience, and going on the evidence of the overwhelming majority of the threads on here, by the time people get to the stage of posting they have already exhausted countless attempts to get their partner to work harder at a relationship, open up etc....

I don't want to dismiss what you've said out of hand because its worth being alert to this possibility.

But if you look at most of these threads its usually pretty clear that when it gets to this stage the conversation with the partner has ceased to be a conversation and has become an exercise in banging head against brick wall...

AuntieStella · 12/05/2015 23:08

If you don't think the advice you see is right, then you need to take it up on the thread.

Post what you think needs to be said.

pocketsaviour · 12/05/2015 23:09

...or maybe just don't like abusers?

ToYouToMe · 12/05/2015 23:09

What worserevived said: proves my point.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2015 23:10

op doesn't want a discussion, he just wants to stir the pot

this is just another thread where people moan about MN and it's probably the same poster who has been doing it since about 2010

if you don't like it, there are other forums

AnyFucker · 12/05/2015 23:13

op, there's a very good reason your wife kicked you into touch

get over it

newbieman1978 · 12/05/2015 23:16

OP have heard the phase "Keyboard Warrior" ?
They are all over the www

That's all x

ToYouToMe · 12/05/2015 23:17

Oh, AnyFucker, what a charmer you are! So full of joy and loveliness!

StaceyAndTracey · 12/05/2015 23:18

Since you ask, any fucker is never wrong

AnyFucker · 12/05/2015 23:19

Goody fuckers abound.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2015 23:20

goady even

ToYouToMe · 12/05/2015 23:20

LOL at keyboard warrior. Perfect!

Link to definition:

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Keyboard+Warrior

Anniegetyourgun · 12/05/2015 23:20

See, when you've got two people with "genuine depression and suicidal thoughts", one because of being in the relationship and the other because of it ending, my sympathies tend to lie with the one whose depression etc was caused by the other one. The leaving partner does not owe the left partner the right to try again, however genuine the change. It's entirely their choice.

pocketsaviour · 12/05/2015 23:23

I don't even know why I commented on this. I've got myself all annoyed at bedtime now. I'm going to have to go and calm down with a browse of the John Lewis online catalogue.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2015 23:23

I don't have a keyboard. I influence people by way of thought transference. Because some people are sooooooo stupid they will do what any random tells them on t'internet without weighing up their options or having thought through any of the issues previously ad infinitum

obviously

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