What if...

[tuppenneth]

..somebody had it in them to change positively, to work harder on a relationship , to open up more , share their feelings better and to make their partner who had previously felt neglected or unloved , feel cherished and wanted again , but never got the chance because of the one sided advice picked up from some of the posters on here?

What if someone had genuine depression and suicidal thoughts as the result of a relationship breakdown , but the ex partner completely ignored the warning signs and pleas for help because the same section of posters that show up on all of the threads of a similar nature , warned the poster that it was 100% just another example of the emotional abuse script? What if the thoughts / pleas / god forbid, actions , turned out to be bona fide?

I get the feeling that far too many posters are a little trigger happy for one reason or another. Why does the stock answer more often than not , have to be to run away?

I can predict some of the suspicious responses that I'll probably get to this before i've even finished typing.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

I'll drink to that Calin.

Who I am is my responsibility

[cailindana]

Men must think women are some sort of superhuman beings to be able to put up with constant mistreatment while at the same time changing a person who "has it in them" to change but won't. Men get to just behave as they please, but women must be the perfect partner, keep the relationship going and change her man. Tall order. I wonder why women have to do that? What is it about them that makes them the ones who have to hold everything together while the men destroy everything?

[ninetynineonehundred]

I haven't read anything from op that indicates their understanding of how much pain their partner was in to
A. Post on mn in the first place overcoming years of loyalty
B. Listen to people suggesting that everything they were doing to make things work wouldn't be enough because it needs the other person to be involved to
C. Give up.

There is a MASSIVE amount of pain involved to get to that point!
Someone being willing to work on themselves may just be too late.

On the other hand if all of ops assumptions are correct why would they want to be with someone so weak willed as to leave on the advice of a forum?

Either way op is describing a deeply dysfunctional situation.

[Waltermittythesequel]

This is just what he does, though.

He pops up every once in a while with the exact same shit over and over again.

We're all supposed to wail and gnash teeth and apologise for 'making' his long-suffering wife leave.

Nobody does.

He gets pissed off and stomps away.

And on it goes...

[AmyElliotDunne]

There is a MASSIVE amount of pain involved to get to that point! yes ninety. Absolutely.

We don't come on here having had a quarrel about the washing up, hear "LTB" and chuck in a perfectly good relationship. Most of the time it really is the last straw, we know what we should do, we've known for years, tried everything to put it right, but it's so hard to actually do, knowing that you will uproot your life, your DCs and everything you hoped for the future.

Who on earth would do all that because "some strangers told me to". It's reaffirmation of the answer we already know in our heart. It's support and back-up, positive stories of how others did this and they are now happy.

It's categorically not posters telling perfectly happy women to leave their poor misunderstood menfolk so that everyone else can miss out on a wonderful relationship because we're bitter we never had it!

[GoatsDoRoam]

Do people really go through life thinking "I'll find a partner and she/he will make me not shit"?

Yes, they do. It's the whole: "All that bad boy needs is the love of a good woman to put him on the straight and narrow" trope.

It is definitely still alive and kicking.

[mix56]

pack mentality ?
Anyone asking for an opinion can take or leave the replies of random posters. But if the posters take the time to reply, it's not to mimic the others & there is no guarantee they are correct.
its becoz its wot they think innit ?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Somebody told you to say that.

[tuppenneth]

"In actual fact relationships should be:
Get together with someone lovely - have a lovely time - have a bit of a hard time and realise that you both need to work on some things - work through and it and get closer - support each other - have a lovely time - develop more respect and love for each other - support each other - have a shit time but be better now at getting through it - have a bad time where you're both a bit rubbish - perhaps question things - talk it through - start to see the light again - reach an understanding - forgive each other and let things go - fall back in love again - have a lovely time and so on. Relationships are optional things that should enhance your life. They are not trips to purgatory or exercises in punishment."

See , I agree with all of that cailindana. I just get the impression from reading lots of the threads on here that if someone was to come on and post at the "have a bit of a hard time and realise you both need to work on some things" stage , the predators on here would get the one side of the argument, no matter how trivial, and soon follows the chorus of LTB!!!! By the time the "have a shit time" and definitely by the "both be a bit rubbish" stage , the one side of the story is shared and the chances of "develop more respect and love for each other - support each other - reach an understanding - forgive each other and let things go - fall back in love again - have a lovely time and so on " stages are completely trampled underfoot amidst cries of abuse and LTB NOW!!! - I accept all cases are different

Your further posts such as

"Men must think women are some sort of superhuman beings to be able to put up with constant mistreatment while at the same time changing a person who "has it in them" to change but won't. Men get to just behave as they please, but women must be the perfect partner, keep the relationship going and change her man. Tall order. I wonder why women have to do that? What is it about them that makes them the ones who have to hold everything together while the men destroy everything?"

..are just lazy, and in themselves , very sexist. It works both ways. (you are not the only one who posts these "all men are"..."why is it men always..." type posts either)

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Tupp, you're not even trying anymore :o

Mix, I totally agree with Annie, you only said that because of the mass PM that is sent out to everyone encouraging you to say it. Admit it! None of you have your own opinions!

Please admit it! Please?!

Otherwise someone might have to accept that to make people think you're nice you have to behave nicely, not shout down anyone who points out that your behaviour wasn't nice.

[cailindana]

But surely you can see that that's not what you're talking about at all tuppeneth? You're talking about one partner being very shit and the other partner having to put up with it and find ways to make them change, while at the same time not being able to leave due to threats of suicide. That's not a relationship that's one person manipulating and controlling another.

[ninetynineonehundred]

So op what you are effectively saying is that this poor brainless woman who couldn't think for herself shouldn't have listened to the vipers who have a vested interest in splitting you up.
Presumably because they are all so bitter from their own fucked up relationships that they are unable to countenance anyone having a good relationship because it highlights their own failings.

What this poor useless woman should do instead is listen to you promising to change again?

And at no point make up their own mind.

Good point. Why didn't I see that originally.
On behalf of the whole of mn I apologise for swaying your useless wife when that was your job.

[dreamingofblueskies]

OP, you are assuming that us poor women don't have a brain of our own and need some kind of pack mentality in order to make a decision.

I posted about my husband's emotional affair back in August, I got a lot of responses, all helpful in different ways. It helped me to see both sides, and while the LTB messages outweighed the other side I am still with him, still trying to make it work.

Because I made up my own mind. And I am now getting support on a 'marriage recovery' thread. Everyone on this forum has been helpful to me in one way or another, helping me see the whole picture.

If you did indeed get left by a woman who posted on here it is not the people who commented's (is commented's right, it seems wrong?!) fault, it's yours.