What if...

[tuppenneth]

..somebody had it in them to change positively, to work harder on a relationship , to open up more , share their feelings better and to make their partner who had previously felt neglected or unloved , feel cherished and wanted again , but never got the chance because of the one sided advice picked up from some of the posters on here?

What if someone had genuine depression and suicidal thoughts as the result of a relationship breakdown , but the ex partner completely ignored the warning signs and pleas for help because the same section of posters that show up on all of the threads of a similar nature , warned the poster that it was 100% just another example of the emotional abuse script? What if the thoughts / pleas / god forbid, actions , turned out to be bona fide?

I get the feeling that far too many posters are a little trigger happy for one reason or another. Why does the stock answer more often than not , have to be to run away?

I can predict some of the suspicious responses that I'll probably get to this before i've even finished typing.

"What if someone had genuine depression and suicidal thoughts as the result of a relationship breakdown , but the ex partner completely ignored the warning signs and pleas for help"

This board is rarely the first resort for those in troubled relationships and it's extremely unusual for one of the parties in a long-term marriage/liaison to make a decision to leave without having given the other ample opportunity to amend their ways/attend counselling or generally work on the issues which are causing conflict.

Where a relationship has broken down it is not incumbent on either party to dance attendance on the other. If it's broken down because of one party's abusive/violent behaviour, the victim is well advised to ignore any pleas for help and keep as much physical and emotional distance as possible from the perpetrator.

Trained professionals are unable to prevent those who are determined to kill themselves from carrying out the deed and anyone who uses the threat of suicide - the so-called 'cry for help' - to garner sympathy should be aware that they may wake up to find themselves sectioned or that they've joined the choir invisible through no fault of anyone else.

Are you the same bloke that comes back over and over again about the same shit??

If so; your ex is never going to be anything other than 100% right to dump you.

pocket there's some lovely stuff in John Lewis at the moment.

I think myself that by the time someone is posting on MN about the state of their relationship that they have tried several times to resolve the issues within that said relationship. Both sides have to take some responsibility and if one is feeling depressed/suicidal they should open up and say if they feel able.

I reckon so, Walter

his missus took the advice on MN and dumped his arse

and now he's a bit perturbed about it

PS - that isn't a nice story at all and I feel for you there but it doesn't mean that every single person that has a gripe with their OH is a victim of what you went through. Similarly every suicidal plea doesn't have to be a wicked scam to re-enslave a "victim" every situation is different surely?

AF - You are presuming I am a man without knowing a single thing about me.
Perhaps you are one of the pirranhas who sniffs round for the types of threads that i'm talking about, and throw your pleasantly helpful comments in without knowing most of the back story or either of the people involved.
Do you get some sort of warped pleasure out of it?

Springy - I agree with what you say to an extent but what I am saying is that some people can come on here to let off steam after the most trivial of disagreements and within a page of replies their partner has been completely demonised and there is a gang with pitchforks calling for him to be thrown in the bin!

AF are you really so astoundingly arrogant to dismiss the OP out of hand without even entering into a discussion about it? Are you never wrong?

I know she's decided to respond, but AF wouldn't have to be "astoundingly arrogant" not to bother. There's actually no obligation on anyone at all on here to enter into any discussion they don't feel like. Hence why responses to some threads just consist of the delightfully succinct:

Which we should probably all do, but I for one am sparing a thought for any lurkers who might think the OP had a point if it wasn't challenged. (And succinct isn't my middle name.)

Thought so, AF.

Think I'll join Pocket and browse JL instead....

That's what we need, a pitchfork emoticon. I'd love one of those.

Not likely though, is it OP?

The other type of "perturbed" poster who whinges time and time again is the woman who came on here with what she thought was just a "vent" expecting a lot of similarly unknowingly unhappy women to agree that men "just don't get it, do they?"

and got a bit of a shock when posters got him nailed immediately

Loving how the OP did their first post in dramatic language, like a politician about to tell us what to think because everyone believes everything they read on the Internet, and Twitter won #GE2015....oh hang on a moment....

I bet JL do some naice pitchforks

Is this one done now ?

Definition of trigger happy. An adjective used to describe a person who just can't wait to shoot every motherfucker in the area.

Yep, that sums up the OP perfectly.

The intricacies of domestic abuse can look trivial, op. Abusers often have the knack of looking genuine and perfectly innocent, or at least only flawed in a general sense.

And great calm was restored to MN - anyone with a contrary opinion, however sincerely held, having been shouted down and given a good kicking.

Other forums are available

Or is it fora ?

"Forums" is acceptable I believe. Go for it anyway.

Ooooh, is that the recipe for calm?

hahahahahaha!

What the actual fuck?

Somebody is trying 'real hard' to be nicer and kinder blah blah.

Why not be nicer in the first place? Why not try harder then?

The suicidal stuff really? So you would lay that on somebody?

Mumsnet has nothing to do with your problems.

The OP looks like the script for a Mills and Boon novel, or one of those bodice ripper films, where the stern, emotionally distant hero, abusive loser consumed in his own drama who would like to spill it onto others comes back to save the heroine after a lifetime of treating her like shit

What an unromantic crew this is, spoiling the story.

Well it's good to see such self belief in one's own infallibility

I've known the popular in crowd to be wrong. In my own personal circumstances for one. It does happen.

However, from what people have written it sounds like there is context and a backstory to this one that I don't know about.

Why does the stock answer more often than not , have to be to run away?

Can you tell us more about the threads where you feel this advice was categorically wrong or 'trigger-happy'?

I've been on about five threads on relationships lately, and no one said to 'run away' - however, the suggestions were to get help, counseling, have conversations, and if that didn't change, to leave situations where they were being treated like shit. The thread where the guy was terribly depressed and treating his wife like shit (and she didn't run away) turned out he had two OW on the go.

Can you tell me what is wrong with suggesting someone leaves a long term bad situation? Do you think women should stay where they are treated like shit? Really? Why is that do you think?