somebody had it in them to change positively, to work harder on a relationship , to open up more , share their feelings better and to make their partner who had previously felt neglected or unloved , feel cherished and wanted again , but never got the chance because of the one sided advice picked up from some of the posters on here?
why would someone, who supposedly loved and cherished their partner, need to 'work hard' to change positively? Serious question. Why have they 'changed' away from the person who wooed and married their partner - what attitudes allowed them to take the partner for granted, to leave them feeling neglected and unloved. If behaving in the new improved way means TRYING or an effort, then it is all an act, not a natural way to be. I doubt that the requests to 'open up' or to engage emotionally in the relationship havent come out of the blue. I am assuming that the partner has expressed their unhappiness many times, perhaps for years, before leaving, especially if they have resorted to coming onto MN for advice. Why have these requests been ignored until now? Why was the 'effort and hard work' to change not undertaken until the OPs partner has actually left, when, to be honest, any love has probably gone right out the window due to having their needs ignored for so long.
What if someone had genuine depression and suicidal thoughts as the result of a relationship breakdown , but the ex partner completely ignored the warning signs and pleas for help because the same section of posters that show up on all of the threads of a similar nature , warned the poster that it was 100% just another example of the emotional abuse script? What if the thoughts / pleas / god forbid, actions , turned out to be bona fide?
It is absolutely normal to be upset/devastated at the breakdown of a relationship. You have lost something, a relationship has died, and you need to go through a grieving process similar to a bereavement. Its horrible and its tough. I think it is wrong to compare the feelings around a breakup with clinical depression, which most likely would have cropped up at a previous point in your life. But, assuming that the depression could be genuine, then professional help should be sought. Its not up to the ex partner to 'come back' in order to cure the depression. If it is a GENUINE clinical depression, the ex partner coming back wouldn't cure it anyway. Why should you feel that your ex, who has expressed that they do not want to be in a relationship with you, should give up their right to free choice because your feelings are more important? And this dramatical talk of suidcide? I hope that any children are not witnessing this, because this is serious emotional manipulation and can have a huge impact upon them. If you are suicidal then you need mental heath support. If you tell your ex that you are suicidal then her response should be to call 999. If facing life on your own is so traumatic that it makes you that mentally unwell then to be honest, you are not emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship anyway, you are co-dependant - looking to pass the responsibility of your life and happiness onto someone elses shoulders. You need therapy. Seriously.
I get the feeling that far too many posters are a little trigger happy for one reason or another. Why does the stock answer more often than not , have to be to run away?
stock answer is not to run away. Stock answer when people who know the signs MAY be LTB, but not without counselling, not without alot of support, not without exploring other avenues if the partner isnt abusive. But when abuse shows up there really isnt any other answer to give.
I can predict some of the suspicious responses that I'll probably get to this before i've even finished typing. hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
This fairly flippant remark, complete with hmmmmmmssss exposes the contempt you feel for the women on this site. You will get some short sharp replies. But will you be honest enough to answer the questions raised by those who dont tell you to jog on? That will demonstrate whether you are actually capeable of even attempting any of the hard work needed to change. Not for your ex. I suspect the boat has already sailed there - behaviour pattens are too deeply entrenched, even if you genuinely WANTED to change, it would be nigh on impossible with her, as the habits of interaction are practically hard wired between the two of you. But if you want to make you next relationship healthy, if you want it to be an equally supportive experience, then you need to get yourself some serious therapy. We all have demons in our closet. We all make mistakes in relationships, we all carry baggage from our pasts which, without opening the closets and looking under the carpets, can have seriously negative impacts on our interactions with others. Looking at those things, facing our dark side, is not pleasant and is not easy, and it isnt a quick fix BUT it is essential if you want to have a relationship where both people are happy.