Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP wants me to put my wages directly into his bank

131 replies

TheShitCook · 03/09/2014 16:13

The set up is that DP had a current account of his own when we moved in together. I also had my own account which I have had for the past 13 or so years. My wages and child maintenance from the ex (and child benefit) all go into my account.

We made DP's account a joint account when we first started living together and all his wages go into it. Once I have my wages, I transfer most into the joint account. Some I keep back for kids pocket money and the odd direct debit I have but no more than about £60 a month.

DP earns £33k. I currently earn £14k. All bills come out of the joint account.

So the set up now is that we have one joint account and I have a personal account.

DP now wants me to get my wages etc paid directly into the joint account. I see his point as that would make it "fair" and we both have access to it but I'm worried. Basically my own account has always been my security blanket and as "financial abuse" was cited as a reason for his last divorce I'm extra paranoid.

Am I being unreasonable to want to keep things as they are? I suppose I am as he doesn't have a "personal account" but there is just a niggle there telling me not to do it and I don't know why.

OP posts:
MadamNoo · 03/09/2014 16:15

if it's not fair, wouldn't it be better to set up a seperate joint account and let him have a personal account too, that his wage goes into? then you can both pay into the joint account, a proportion of your wage that is agreed by both to cover joint expenses (he should obviously transfer more)

AnyFucker · 03/09/2014 16:17

You set up home with your kids with a bloke that financially abused his wife?

I can't get past that, tbh

If you can't trust him, you have no relationship at all, IMO

Goodadvice1980 · 03/09/2014 16:17

Hang on OP, you're with a guy who was divorced partly because he was financially abuse?? Is that right??

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 03/09/2014 16:17

Yanbu and I would want to know exactly what this financial abuse entailed before setting up home with him tbh.

wannabestressfree · 03/09/2014 16:18

I would feel the same as you. After a difficult divorce hell would freeze over before I would give all financially.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/09/2014 16:19

"financial abuse" was cited as a reason for his last divorce I'm extra paranoid
And so you should be.
Do NOT lose your independence to this man.
WHY does he want this?
WHY doesn't he have his own account?

You should both have separate accounts and one joint account.
Both transfer agreed monies into joint account for bills, mortgage, rent, birthdays, trips out, etc.....
Then the rest is in your OWN account for you to do with as you wish.

Don't get dragged into financial abuse.

Northumberlandlass · 03/09/2014 16:19

Agree with all the above.
We have arrangement as described as MadamNoo & it works for us. We have roughly the same amount of disposable income each month.

What has he said about the financial abuse claim?

Northumberlandlass · 03/09/2014 16:20

To be honest it wasn't a fair arrangement to start with!

Greenrememberedhills · 03/09/2014 16:21

It would be crazy to forgo your financial independence from someone with a possible history of financial abuse.

But then, I wouldn't share any of my money or accounts with someone who has been cited as a financial abuser. It seems risky, to say the least.

If you must live with him, share bills equally and keep all your money in your own account. A joint account is a mistake.

stealthsquiggle · 03/09/2014 16:23

Joint account. Each has their own personal account. Mortgage, bills etc go from joint account. Payment in to joint account is in proportion to income (so if you earn half what he does, you pay 33% and he pays 66%, or vice versa)

That way it's all fair and equitable and you keep an essential degree of separation.

Fairylea · 03/09/2014 16:23

It's only fair if at the end of all the bills coming out you both have equal spending money (dh transfer this to our own separate accounts to spend as we wish but have a joint household account - all wages in and direct debits out etc including tax credits and child benefit).

The financial abuse bit speaks massive red flags. Do you know the ins and outs of it??

Original poster
TheShitCook · 03/09/2014 16:25

Well he reckoned the divorce was all crap and he agreed to it to get a quick divorce. His ex never worked so was 100% dependant on him and according to the divorce had to ask for money and he sometimes wouldn't allow her to have any. There is also stuff on there about insurance and mortgage documents being kept from her on a passworded computer so she had no idea about any of it. He says this is crap as she never showed any interest in any of it and never asked to see it.

He didn't seem the type that would financially abuse when we first got together. Now I'm not 100%. Can't quite put my finger on it but it's difficult for him to be like this with me as I earn my own money and as he never flinched at the idea of me having a debit card for the joint account it seems unlikely that he would ever try and prevent my access to money?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 03/09/2014 16:26

I've just re read your first post. So he's talking about it staying his own account?? I misread it as a joint account. Do not do it.

Original poster
TheShitCook · 03/09/2014 16:26

I've suggested we both have personal account as above and he didn't want to do this. He just wants the one account for everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheShitCook · 03/09/2014 16:27

no his account IS now a joint account. I have equal access to it.

OP posts:
Flexibilityisquay · 03/09/2014 16:27

I'd go with him setting up his own personal current account and you both pay into the joint account if I were you. Definitely worth keeping a level of financial independence if possible.

Flexibilityisquay · 03/09/2014 16:29

Why is he so keen for everything to go into the joint account? If he doesn't want his own personal account fair enough, but I don't see why that means you shouldn't have one.

SquattingNeville · 03/09/2014 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea · 03/09/2014 16:30

Hmm well normally it would be okay as long as you both agree an equal amount of spending money and stick to it.

What could be an issue is if expects to spend more because he earns more or is going to start having a go at you for buying anything.

I'm wary of what he's said about his divorce. It doesn't feel right somehow. Dig a bit better. Did they have equal spending money (they should have done, even if she wasn't working), how was it organised? That will tell you more.

Greenrememberedhills · 03/09/2014 16:32

"I can't quite put my finger on it".

That is the issue. Your gut instinct says something is not right, but you don't know what.

Trust that instinct.

Topseyt · 03/09/2014 16:37

Gut instinct is worth heeding. There is no smoke without fire.

Nothing wrong with maintaining your own personal account as well as a joint account if that is what you want to do (and you do earn your own money, so where it is actually paid into is YOUR choice, not his).

If he doesn't want to have his own personal account then he doesn't have to, but he doesn't get to dictate whether or not you do or don't.

If something doesn't feel right then it isn't.

overslept · 03/09/2014 16:38

He needs his own personal account as well, and then to do the same as you, transfer appropriate amount in each month. Why do people do this? Yes joint accounts are great for household bills and when you both have to pool money in for something, but this does not mean you should not have your own accounts each with your wages paid in to that. I have joint accounts, my own account and joint and my own saving accounts (not that there is anything in it Grin ) ... There is no limit to how many accounts you can have. I personally think it is more "fair" to each have your own and a joint account just for things you jointly spend on.

hugoagogo · 03/09/2014 16:39

No way would I do this.

When my Dad left my dm he took every penny that was in the joint account before he told her. We lived on windfall apples for weeks.

Just tell him you are happier knowing that you have some money in your own account, say you want to be able to buy him presents if you like, but do not do it.

DPotter · 03/09/2014 16:41

I wouldn't pay my wages into anyone else's personal account, even if I did have access to it. I would want a properly set-up joint account, with both our names on it and even then I wouldn't pay my wages into it. I would have a standing order from my personal account into the joint, keeping my spending money to do with as I wished.

If it is just his personal account to which you currently have access, he could stop access almost instantly and you would be stuffed - sorry about the highly technical banking terminology.

Don't give up your personal account - ever.

flippinada · 03/09/2014 16:41

I've read both your posts.

Even if he's telling the truth about his divorce (which I have to say is vanishingly unlikely) he's admitted that he withheld money from his wife.

He will do the same to you one day. Listen to your instincts and don't do this.

If he gets angry about it or puts pressure on to change your mind then you have your answer as to eat mind of man he is.