Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

DP wants me to put my wages directly into his bank

131 replies

TheShitCook · 03/09/2014 16:13

The set up is that DP had a current account of his own when we moved in together. I also had my own account which I have had for the past 13 or so years. My wages and child maintenance from the ex (and child benefit) all go into my account.

We made DP's account a joint account when we first started living together and all his wages go into it. Once I have my wages, I transfer most into the joint account. Some I keep back for kids pocket money and the odd direct debit I have but no more than about £60 a month.

DP earns £33k. I currently earn £14k. All bills come out of the joint account.

So the set up now is that we have one joint account and I have a personal account.

DP now wants me to get my wages etc paid directly into the joint account. I see his point as that would make it "fair" and we both have access to it but I'm worried. Basically my own account has always been my security blanket and as "financial abuse" was cited as a reason for his last divorce I'm extra paranoid.

Am I being unreasonable to want to keep things as they are? I suppose I am as he doesn't have a "personal account" but there is just a niggle there telling me not to do it and I don't know why.

OP posts:

bibliomania · 04/09/2014 12:46

To be entirely pragmatic, in this particular scenario it doesn't matter if he's building up to abuse. The fact is that he is suggesting an arrangement that you're not keen on, and you're under no obligation to say yes. As pps have said, if he wants to make it "equal", he could always open a solo account.

You should feel comfortable with saying no, he should readily accept it.

FantasticButtocks · 04/09/2014 12:52

It is not his business to ask you to close your own personal bank account. What does it matter to him? Just because he chooses not to have his own personal bank account, doesn't mean he can choose what you do. Bloody ridiculous.

Am I being unreasonable to want to keep things as they are? No, of course you aren't. You are an adult and you have a bank account of your own.

I suppose I am as he doesn't have a "personal account" He chose that. You can choose not to do what he has done.

but there is just a niggle there telling me not to do it and I don't know why. Your instincts are there for a reason. Take notice. Doesn't matter why.

I would be asking him why it matters to him that you don't have your own bank account.

And I repeat - It is NOT HIS BUSINESS.

LisaMed · 04/09/2014 12:55

If his name is on the account then he could apply to freeze the account pending dispute. It would not matter if you had earned the money or had a card, the account would be frozen. If you just have an extra card (did you sign anything at the bank?) then he could just cancel the extra card.

DH and I have separate bank accounts and also a joint one. If one of us died suddenly the other would have a working account to use while things were being sorted out. If I have got it right, it is really important if you have just got an extra card to know that if he died you would have no access to the money in there, even if you earned it. I don't think you would have automatic access.

If he dies and you are not married and he doesn't have a will you may never see that money anyway, even with the best intentions. It would go to his next of kin which would be a family member.

How is the rest of the relationship?

LisaMed · 04/09/2014 12:55

btw if you are not sure about the type of account and whether it is joint or whether you just have a card then you could ring the bank and ask.

Hollycopter · 04/09/2014 12:58

I don't think half shares work really unless you both earn the same amount. DH and I split bills etc by percentage so we're both left with an equal amount of spending money for the month.

OP - what would your partner think of a review of your finances along those lines? You mentioning he can be a bit tight and it would concern me that he'd see this as a way to control your spending.

Vitalstatistix · 04/09/2014 12:59

I would keep the money paid into my account and set up a standing order to transfer my contribution to the family pot every month.

It really doesn't matter HOW you pay into the family pot, just THAT you do, right?

So why does he need a direct payment? What difference does it make? What is it about your employer paying directly into this joint account that is so important to him when it makes no difference in terms of what money gets spent where?

mintbaileys · 04/09/2014 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigfootFiles · 04/09/2014 13:03

Have you asked him what is "unfair" about the current situation, as I don't get it?

You keep £60 of your wages and transfer the rest currently into his account. He's quibbling over £60 being "unfair"? £60 that pays direct debits and kids' pocket money?

How much of his own salary is he "keeping"/spending on himself out of the joint account? I bet it's more than £60. £60 a month, over a year is 0.05% of your total salary if my maths is right. Why is that tiny fraction an issue to him?

F0ssil · 04/09/2014 13:06

Im with anyfucker. His xw cited financial abuse as reason for divorce...... scary.

Vitalstatistix · 04/09/2014 13:07

Maybe because he wants to be in charge of every penny that she has. Create a situation where she has to ask for a portion of her own wages or justify spending before he will hand over the cash? How long would joint access to the joint account last before it became let me handle everything so we know where we are, just ask for anything you need...

LuvDaMorso · 04/09/2014 13:08

Are you worried about his reaction if you give a firm no?

MrsSquirrel · 04/09/2014 13:08

^ So why does he need a direct payment? What difference does it make? What is it about your employer paying directly into this joint account that is so important to him when it makes no difference in terms of what money gets spent where?

Ask him this. How he responds will tell you a lot.

FWIW my dp and I are really different in how we deal with money. We each have our own personal accounts, always have. It's not a big deal. All our finances are still shared.

F0ssil · 04/09/2014 13:11

Tell him that you have had a bit of a think and you dont think it is fair either so from now on yiu'll be holding back 150, not 60. That's nothing fga

Beastofburden · 04/09/2014 13:19

Tell him that you agree its not fair and that he ought to have a personal account too, so the joint one will be for things that you both pay for. And you will pay in what's fair every month- including, if the joint account supports the kids' living costs, a fair share of your maintenance payments.

And if he doesn't want a personal account, well that's his choice.

The only reason I can think of for wanting your wages going into his account is if he is thinking of borrowing money without your knowledge so he wants to show them the bank statements.

But you know that financial independence goes further that whose account you use, don't you? Be very careful to protect your earning ability. Don't let him screw up your career if you decide to have more DC.

Achooblessyou · 04/09/2014 13:21

I think joint account for half shares for bills/household shopping is easiest, then you each control what you have left over in you own accounts. Not read all but don't you currently gave control over all his wages? He should also have his own personal account.

If everything paid by direct debit it's quite easy yo work out monthly payment for half bills and shopping, with a bit extra for emergencies.

Unless you gave a large secret stash he's not likely to be after you for your money is he? But is he controlling in other ways?

flippinada · 04/09/2014 13:21

I just twigged that you have another thread going about your DPs unpleasant behaviour (I commented on both and only just made the connection).

He really doesn't sound like the sort of person you want to throw your lot in with.

Listen to that warning voice in your head.

LuvDaMorso · 04/09/2014 13:38

In our house, all spending on the joint account is subject to scrutiny and discussion. Every penny is accounted for. Screws are tightened wherever possible. We each know exactly how much each contributes (by standing order). We are both happy with this.

We also have our own personal accounts.

All spending from personal accounts is personal. If I choose to spend all my spare money on chocolate, books and facials that's my choice and not even known to him. Similarly he could spend all his money on parts for his bike, fancy sandwiches and old maps. I don't know. I don't care.

More seriously, if I chose to put all of my spare money into a savings account he would have no idea. If I chose to leave some of my spare money in my account building up for a few months, he couldn't spend it. And vice versa. I am fine with that. So is my DH.

I've suggested we both have personal account as above and he didn't want to do this. He just wants the one account for everything.

btw I see his point as that would make it "fair"

If he was only interested in fairness then having his own personal account would be the obvious answer. You wouldn't be discussing it any more.

I find your DP's demand peculiar tbh. Pointless. It should make no practical difference, yet he is pushing you to do it. So what does he get out of it? Hmmm? Even without his ex-wife's statements, I'd be thinking "Eh?".

Your current arrangement is fair anyway (I suspect you are paying more than your fair share btw).

Have you ever had a coffee and chat with the ex? Is she an evil lying witch you must never ever go near?

LuvDaMorso · 04/09/2014 13:48

Back story might help.

How old are your DC? How long have you and DP been living together? Do you rent or own? Am I right that he is not bio father of your DC? Does he have DC?

F0ssil · 04/09/2014 14:14

........ and financial abuse isn't just or simply meanness. In my x's case it was about power and control. He wanted to choose when to be generous and I had to be grateful. He could at times be generous but it was on his own terms. He couldn't understand why I'd rather have control over less of my own money than be at the mercy of his generosity. So, it's relinquishing control over that small portion of your own money taht I would be loathe to give up in your shoes. I think you should hold on to more tbh.

I agree, trust your gut. I wished I had done.

rainbowinmyroom · 04/09/2014 14:34

Yep, I think you were the poster who wrote about moving in. He sounded like a tight twat then. Everyone told you it was a bad idea.

rainbowinmyroom · 04/09/2014 14:37

And in answer to your question as to how he can keep money you have earned when you have a bank card, he can manipulate you, wear you down, make you feel guilty, etc until you spend how he wants. That is what financial abuse is.

bibliomania · 04/09/2014 14:43

Agree with F0ssil that financial abuse is about power and control. I always earned more than my ex, but every month when the bank statement came in, he'd be foaming at the mouth because I had paid the council tax and other joint bills, plus my credit card, which was used entirely for joint groceries. Our bills, my salary, and he told me I was controlling for making the decision to pay them by myself. I should have sought his authorisation each time, according to him.

bibliomania · 04/09/2014 14:50

I ended up dreading payday every month, because I knew he'd be in a rage and there would be a row.

LuvDaMorso · 04/09/2014 15:04

He's good with money, doesn't spend a lot (he's actually the other way and is too stingy!)

Ah right. Best he can see where all the money is going then so he can advise you how to be better with your spending. Obviously he won't suggest that immediately.

Too stingy is not the same as good with money

Spending within your income on things that you value is good with money

Too stingy is form of bad with money. Some people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

rainbow said he can manipulate you, wear you down, make you feel guilty, etc until you spend how he wants. That is what financial abuse is.

It has already started. You are already starting to believe that he is better with money than you are.

twizzleship · 04/09/2014 15:37

Regarding the account - how can I tell if I'm genuinely "part owner"? Ask the bank!

how can he withhold money from me when it's actually my money that I earnt and I have a debit card? If he's the main account holder and you are just named credit card user then it's his account and that's how the law sees it, so he can cancel your credit card access/refuse to give you any money. Think about it - if somebody mistakenly deposited money into your account and you were the type of person to refuse to give it back - they would have to take you to court to get that money back - that is the position you will be in.

He's good with money, doesn't spend a lot (he's actually the other way and is too stingy!) ahhhhh.....now we see what how his mind works! So he believes you waste money or are not good at being responsible with money, so by putting it into his account he controls your 'excessive' spending (as he sees it!).
from my own and others experience, what that means is he will decide how much you spend on food, clothes, heating, luxuries (if he allows you any as that is 'frivolous'), being stingey he will no doubt prefer the cheapest items of everything so you can forget about you or your children having anything nice or remotely 'label'. basically he will decide what you buy/have and how you will behave in order to receive even that. this will affect you all on a day to day basis, for example - you might be only allowed to have the heating on at certain times/duration, you might be only allowed to buy from certain shops or only the stores 'own brand' items, you might be forced into buying only the cheapest toiletries.... you get the picture?

I can't see him clearing the account, he doesn't need to clear it to block/stop/prevent you having access to it - remember that is what he did to his ex-wife....

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread