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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP wants me to put my wages directly into his bank

131 replies

TheShitCook · 03/09/2014 16:13

The set up is that DP had a current account of his own when we moved in together. I also had my own account which I have had for the past 13 or so years. My wages and child maintenance from the ex (and child benefit) all go into my account.

We made DP's account a joint account when we first started living together and all his wages go into it. Once I have my wages, I transfer most into the joint account. Some I keep back for kids pocket money and the odd direct debit I have but no more than about £60 a month.

DP earns £33k. I currently earn £14k. All bills come out of the joint account.

So the set up now is that we have one joint account and I have a personal account.

DP now wants me to get my wages etc paid directly into the joint account. I see his point as that would make it "fair" and we both have access to it but I'm worried. Basically my own account has always been my security blanket and as "financial abuse" was cited as a reason for his last divorce I'm extra paranoid.

Am I being unreasonable to want to keep things as they are? I suppose I am as he doesn't have a "personal account" but there is just a niggle there telling me not to do it and I don't know why.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2014 17:28

Why are you with someone who financially abused his ex wife?. Did you not think that this could possibly now happen to you?. Such men do not change, they feel entitled to do this and such men as well hate women, all of them.

He has too many red flags to count here and he is lying through his teeth. He I think is trying to do the same to you as he did to his ex wife.

You are not 100% sure for good reason and I think he is currently testing the water to see how malleable you are and how far he can push this further along.

There's no future at all with a financial abuser and it would not surprise me if he was trying to or actively controlling you in other ways too.

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 03/09/2014 17:30

I'm with the other too I'm afraid. Trust your gut and stand your ground. His reaction should tell you all you need to know.

bigTillyMint · 03/09/2014 17:31

Go with your gut feeling.

I have been with DH for 18 years and trust him implicitly, but we both have our own personal accounts and pay into a joint one according to our earnings. I think everyone needs their financial independence.

lougle · 03/09/2014 17:32

Ok...so the setup is

DH:
DH's wages

OP:
OP's wages
Child Benefit
Child Maintenance

Are any of the children his? Or are they all from the former marriage?

Is he expected to pay for anything for the children, except general expenses that are all lumped together such as food/housing costs, etc?

If I was a man who had started a relationship with a woman who had children, I'd be fine with contributing to their costs as part of the family. I'd be less fine if my partner was segregating money earmarked for the children and then still expecting me to contribute to them.

Also, how much is the maintenance? It's not a fixed amount. For all we know, the OP's exDH could have been on a £300,000 pa salary and be paying £2-3000 in maintenance each month, or alternatively, be on JSA and only paying £20 per month. It probably has a bearing as to their relative affluence and we can't assume that the DH has just over double the income of the OP.

Preciousbane · 03/09/2014 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 03/09/2014 17:33

Its OK for all wages, maintenance and CB to go into one pot, as long as both parties have equal access and equal personal spends that they can spend as they like. The OP's DP doesn't necessarily have an 'ulterior motive'.

Although if this makes you uncomfortable OP, you could both have your own wages paid into sole accounts and both make a standing order to the joint account for joint costs - does he spend freely from the joint account leaving it short for bills?

I wonder what all you calling financial abuse would make of a situation of a (male) friend of mine, whose wife left and divorced him due to 'financial abuse'.

He has his own business and earns about £60k. She worked on and off, earning between minimum wage and about £20k pa. They were married about 2 years after being together for about 5. No DCs and fairly equal contribution at home - he probably did a bit less because he worked much longer hours, but he certainly mucked in with housework in addition to car and bike maintenance and gardening. He paid the mortgage, all bills, fully financed two cars and all food, holidays, nights out, the lot.

She was responsible for paying for her own beauty treatments, lunches, coffees, clothes, mini breaks with friends, handbags and mobile phone - ie almost all luxuries with no contribution to the running of the household.

She divorced him because in her mind this arrangement was financially abusive because he didn't share all his wage with her - him simply paying all the basic household costs was simply not enough for her as her own wages did not run to lifestyle that she aspired to, eg several mulberry handbags and an overseas minibreak a month. Hmm.

Bogeyface · 03/09/2014 17:34

Is that £60 your only spending money in a month? What does he have left over from his wages? How do you split the bills? Please dont say it is 50/50

You should both get the same amount of personal money, so in theory (with a non abusive person) you pool your wages into the joint account and then pay an equal amount into each personal account after all bills, food, kids pocket money etc and savings have come out of it.

However, I do not think that that would be wise in this instance. You need to sit down and work out what your total outgoings are and what you both need to pay in that allows you the same spending money.

Anything else is not fair and if he insists that you put in practically all of your wages when he is paying in less than half of his, that is definitely abusive and not on.

Zucker · 03/09/2014 17:35

Another vote for listening to what your instinct is telling you here. It's this slowly slowly approach that makes what he's suggesting look so harmless. How long are you two together? How long was he married before his wife got rid?

AlpacaMyBags · 03/09/2014 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BravePotato · 03/09/2014 17:38

It is the sort of OP where asking the question makes you realise the answer (I hope, OP)

Why does he Not want you to have your own account? ....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2014 17:40

It's a simple problem to solve. You say 'no'. You seem rather unsure about saying no, even rather anxious, and I hope you're not being put under pressure. BTW it's not 'paranoid' (def: irrational fear of everything) to be wary of rowing all your money in with another person, it's perfectly rational. Especially if that person has any question-marks over their financial behaviour in the past.

Just say no.

comingintomyown · 03/09/2014 17:51

What has prompted his request to change the set up you have ?

martinisdry · 03/09/2014 17:53

I agree with those who say it's not necessarily sinister. It's perfectly ok for couples to have a joint account that all wages get paid into; nothing wrong with that if you're both happy. Similarly, nothing wrong with that account being converted from an originally single account. Once it's joint, it's joint.

Only you can tell whether there's some dodgy reason for his request. What reason does he give?

All my husband's earnings and mine go into the joint account, and I'd find it odd if they didn't. It would feel as though we were not both on board with the "common pot" mentality. But that's our set up, our choice, and what works for us. Other people do it differently.

Bottom line is: is his request a sign that he doesn't trust you - thinks you're hiding money from him? And is your reluctance a sign that you don't trust him?

bloodyteenagers · 03/09/2014 17:54

Err not a chance.
Hell would freeze over first.

He is financially abusive.
Doesn't matter how he wants to dress it up, but this is what he is.
He has admitted it under oath. If it wasn't true no way would he admit to it, when there are multiple reasons to get divorced and quickly without abuse.
Then he has admitted he told her no to money.
On top of that he admitted that she never saw important documents. His claim because she wasn't interested. Hers, because password... He did not deny these documents were password protected.

femin · 03/09/2014 17:55

Gut instincts are important, trust them.

tipsytrifle · 03/09/2014 18:38

No.

Just that. Absolutely no no no.

My alarms are blaring! Please don't do it ...

Bogeyface · 03/09/2014 18:42

OP, is there anyway you could get in touch with his ex? If she is a decent woman I am sure she wouldnt want anyone else to suffer abuse and would tell you the truth about it. Is she on FB?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 03/09/2014 18:46

The only couple I know where the DH insists on all wages going straight into a joint account is a controlling selfish git who questions when his DW treats herself to something small (they both earn approx the same amount) but he can fritter it away on drugs and expensive hobbies. Their relationship was a result of an affair - I wonder whether half of it is because he's controlling and/or a lack of trust and wanting to keep tabs on the DW.

flippinada · 03/09/2014 18:52

Several posters have said that nobody who is innocent would admit to abuse 'just to get things over with' (or whatever he came out with) and this is spot on.

And he freely and openly admitted to witholding money from his wife. This alone should give you pause, unless there is a very good reason (say, gambling addiction). Doesn't sound like it though.

Just...NO.

QuintessentiallyQS · 03/09/2014 18:56

Wow. Just wow.

I am glad you see this red flag. Will you now have to be dependent on him agreeing to your and your dc pocket money?

He is setting you also up to financially abuse you. Why are you with this man?
How do you know he doesnt have his own personal account that he has funds set aside in?

tipsytrifle · 03/09/2014 18:57

Way back in the days before MN ...

I earned reasonably well. So did xP. He said "how about if tipsy pays for everything and I do loans, going out, holiday money, cars and anything else?" "Fine," I said. We didn't do any of those things but for a shitty wee caravan and very old cars ...

Sooooo 15 yrs later and I was constantly broke because xP never seemed to have any spare cash for anything (house falling apart etc)

But when he took me to court for custody of my son, I had a world of debt in my name and he had 30,000+ to pay a SHL and barrister to finish me off after the death threats took their toll.

Just as a by the by ...

tipsytrifle · 03/09/2014 19:02

Oh and his other option when I wondered aloud about the arrangements was to suggest taking over all finances as I was clearly incompetent. I said no but was still ripped off and torn apart ... took me a long long time to crawl back.

Hopefully this is nothing like your situation at all though ...

WidowWadman · 03/09/2014 19:06

The way to make it fair is that he gets his own account in addition to the joint account. It's not ideal to mix own and joint money, as you'd always feel like you'd have to justify any personal spend out of the joint/personal account.
If you have one personal each and then pay an amount which is proportional to your earnings into the joint one it's the fairest set up

eddielizzard · 03/09/2014 19:09

yes i'd also question whether he really doesn't have his own account. i would not put my salary into the joint account.

either he has his own and transfers money, as you do, or nothing.

can you go and see his ex? find out what the real story is?

Shelby2010 · 03/09/2014 19:11

I think you need to ask him exactly why it bothers him, does he think you keep too much for yourself or as other posters have suggested that he doesn't like it being out of his control? Personally even if I trusted him 100% I can't think of a good enough reason to make it worth while the hassle of changing all the payments. If he trusts you then he shouldn't have an issue with it and no reason to be fussed about changing it.

Also I second previous posters in that you should check with the bank that you have equal 'rights' over the joint account.