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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP wants me to put my wages directly into his bank

131 replies

TheShitCook · 03/09/2014 16:13

The set up is that DP had a current account of his own when we moved in together. I also had my own account which I have had for the past 13 or so years. My wages and child maintenance from the ex (and child benefit) all go into my account.

We made DP's account a joint account when we first started living together and all his wages go into it. Once I have my wages, I transfer most into the joint account. Some I keep back for kids pocket money and the odd direct debit I have but no more than about £60 a month.

DP earns £33k. I currently earn £14k. All bills come out of the joint account.

So the set up now is that we have one joint account and I have a personal account.

DP now wants me to get my wages etc paid directly into the joint account. I see his point as that would make it "fair" and we both have access to it but I'm worried. Basically my own account has always been my security blanket and as "financial abuse" was cited as a reason for his last divorce I'm extra paranoid.

Am I being unreasonable to want to keep things as they are? I suppose I am as he doesn't have a "personal account" but there is just a niggle there telling me not to do it and I don't know why.

OP posts:
flippinada · 03/09/2014 16:43
  • what kind of man, I meant to say.
oldgrandmama · 03/09/2014 16:44

What Greenrememberedhills just said. Something about this is making you uneasy. Listen to your instincts.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/09/2014 16:45

You've got a joint-account with someone who you are not married to and who financially abused his ex-wife?

This is not a safe situation for your own future financial security. You are now financially-linked and this could cause problems for you if he's not responsible. Like getting you both into debt.

He should have his own bank account and you yours. You can CHOOSE to use one of them as a joint-account to pay bills from but I would not be a co-signer on anything to do with him. Far, FAR TOO RISKY

Lweji · 03/09/2014 16:48

How is it working so far?
Do you feel as comfortable spending from the joint account as him?

As a rule of thumb, I'd trust my gut instinct.

radiopixie14 · 03/09/2014 16:48

Alarm bells are ringing for me on this one. Do not give up your financial independence!

At first I didn't find it strange that you were going to have a joint account, but "financial abuse" as a reason for divorce? No, no, no. It seems you're trying to justify it to yourself too. You know deep down that this is not right. Always trust your instincts!

SweetErmengarde · 03/09/2014 16:50

No one ever seems like an abuser right from the off or no one would give them the time of day.

I really hope I'm wrong, but it seems highly unlikely to me that an innocent man would allow it to go on record that he is an abuser.

plantsitter · 03/09/2014 16:52

The current situation isn't fair, but if you can't come to an arrangement that is fair AND you're happy with then maybe you need to consider the relationship again...

Why doesn't he get a personal account, both wages go to the joint and a standing order for an allowance each is set up? Child related income still goes to you as you have responsibility for them. If you don't trust him enough to do this how can you make a life together?

bibliomania · 03/09/2014 16:56

The thing is, it should be enough for you just to say "No, I'd rather not". He shouldn't be putting you under pressure or making you feel selfish or pressing for a reason. If he's doing any of those things, that is the red flag right there.

merlehaggard · 03/09/2014 16:57

I wouldn't. I'd keep things as they are in the circumstances. It really should make no difference to him and your gut instinct is to not do it.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 03/09/2014 16:57

I think both having a personal account and then paying into a joint account seems a good option.
Trouble is with divorce as it is you do have to come up with a reason to divorce your partner (or wait longer for a no-fault divorce as I understand it) So, ir could be that he didn't do much wrong in his previous relationship.
But sensible to be prudent and cautious anyway.
I'd prefer if we had these three types of account. We just have two personal ones, and too much comes out of my one, so I'm always broke Sad

twizzleship · 03/09/2014 16:57

of course he wants one account for everything....that's how he gets to control the money! Hmm you remember that phrase "slowly slowly catchy monkey"?......

did you stop to actually think about the dynamics of that set up with his wife and how true it might be? were you so wrapped up in him that you didn't give any thought to what kind of man treats his wife like that?

He says this is crap as she never showed any interest in any of it and never asked to see it married or not if you've bought a house with someone you do expect to see/have access to mortgage and insurance documents! do you seriously believe he's telling you the truth?!

If i were you i would be keeping my finances totally separate - forever. i think he's playing you for a fool. he never flinched at the idea of me having a debit card for the joint account...have you actually seen the paperwork/been in the bank to confirm that you are actually named as joint account holder and have the same powers to withdraw/withhold cash in that account - or are you just named as someone who can use the credit card? because there is a big difference between the two. have you bothered to confirm this for yourself or have you just taken his word for it?

there are sooooo many red flags here OP and you would be a fool not to take heed. you have no guarantee what the future holds so why not err on the sensible side of caution? Keep your separate account for your childrens benefits and your own money, open a new joint account for household bills/holidays etc. that way you both have an account each and one joint - what's fairer than that? And i would definitely be re-negotiating how much of your far lower wage goes into the joint account - why would you hand over your security to someone else and deliberately dis-empower yourself? Shock

even if you are actually named as a joint account holder it doesn't stop him withdrawing all the money - yours and your childrens) and doing a runner if things go sour between you - and you wouldn't stand much of a chance of getting any of it back either.

play it clever OP...abusive men know how to play the game and are very good actors.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/09/2014 17:00

His wife could have used the reason that the marriage had "irretrievably broken down" if he hadn't been unfaithful. But no, he agreed to the financial abuse accusation to get the divorce over and done with. I call bullshit on that one.

It really doesn't matter whether she "never worked" or not. That is generally a mutual decision. The accusation that he withheld information about insurance and the mortgage is likely to be absolutely true as well or why bother with it?

OP please, PLEASE seek to protect yourself. The very first thing I would be doing is to get that joint bank account closed in order to sever all connection to him. You'll probably need to get onto the credit-reference agencies and have yourself formally disassociated from him as well.

He could be waiting until you get your wages paid into the account, cancel all the direct debits/payments to suppliers and clear the account out. Or worse, run up an overdraft on it and do a runner.

wtffgs · 03/09/2014 17:00

Is this going to be a unanimous thread?

Listen to us and listen to your instincts,please.

I agree completely that an innocent party would never agree to abuse as a matter of record. This is one of many yarns he has or will spin.

Is your accommodation secure? If you split, where would you live? Sorry to be bleak but I think protecting yourself financially is imperative - actually it matters for both partners of either gender in any relationship but in this case you are much more vulnerable. Brew

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2014 17:00

Yes, this man is taking steps to be in a position where he can financially abuse you, too. Whether his turn on is making you beg and grovel for money, or whether it's just making sure that he gets to spend everything on treats for himself, his plan is to be the one who has custody of the money in this relationship.

wannabestressfree · 03/09/2014 17:02

Solidgold has hit the nail directly on the not too pretty head....

KneeQuestion · 03/09/2014 17:05

but there is just a niggle there telling me not to do it and I don't know why

Listen to your gut.

lougle · 03/09/2014 17:07

I disagree with many on this thread that he is in a position of power. As it stands, you have access to his money and he doesn't have access to yours. That's the imbalance.

I agree with everyone on the thread who says that you'd be better to both have sole accounts and also a joint one you transfer to.

Your DP doesn't like this idea. Can you ask him why? Instead of simply saying no, hear him out as to why he doesn't like it. Then you can discuss from there.

It's a bit rich to say that he's taking steps to be in a position to financially abuse you when as it stands you have access to 100% of the money and he only has access to probably 50% of it.

googoodolly · 03/09/2014 17:11

He's told you who he is, OP. Listen to him. He's a man who financially abused his ex-wife and DIDN'T LET HER HAVE ACCESS TO MONEY.

Why would you set up a home and a life for you and your DC with someone who openly admits to being an abuser?

ouryve · 03/09/2014 17:11

Has he explained convincingly what the problem with the current arrangement is?

Dig your heels in and remain independent.

Fairylea · 03/09/2014 17:11

I agree with lougle. The wording of the title is misleading - it is not her dhs personal account. It is a joint account that he is using as his own. If op does pay her wages into it she will have equal access to it.

What is worrying is the financial abuse background and how the spending money is currently split / his attitude to money in general.

KneeQuestion · 03/09/2014 17:12

But why, despite earning double what the OP does, does he seem to want equal access to her money?

If I were going to be part of a joint account, it would have to be a new account opened for that purpose, not someones personal account changed, I would want proof that it actually fully accessible to both of you.

rainbowinmyroom · 03/09/2014 17:14

No fucking way I'd do this! One joint account for household expenses, to be divided in proportion to income, each has a personal account. But of course he doesn't want to do this, he doesn't want you having a separate place for your money he cannot control.

I had a boyfriend who wanted me to do this. I ran like hell. He turned out to be an abusive twat.

He is setting you up. They all seem great at first.

Stick to your guns. He balks and gets nasty, you have your answer.

This all sounds vaguely familiar with another poster who had a similar income variation and she was told resoundingly not to move in with the guy, I hope this isn't you.

KneeQuestion · 03/09/2014 17:14

The wording of the title is misleading - it is not her dhs personal account

Possibly, but maybe it is still refered to by her DP as his account?

Fairylea · 03/09/2014 17:21

It's a difficult one because if the financial abuse bit wasn't there then on paper it sounds fair - why should one partner (whoever it is) keep their own account whilst the other is bring very open and paying everything into the joint account and using that and wanting their partner to use it too. If it was a woman who was using the joint account and saying her husband wanted to keep his own account separate I think the replies would be quite different - I can imagine people saying the dh was being secretive / what if they ran up debts / didn't share all their income or windfall etc.

BUT - in this situation it's a bit off considering the background and I think the op would be wise to retain financial independence.

crazylady321 · 03/09/2014 17:24

No I wouldnt do it, its right you pay your share of bills but him having access to money for the children isnt really on at all in my book.