Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP wants me to put my wages directly into his bank

131 replies

TheShitCook · 03/09/2014 16:13

The set up is that DP had a current account of his own when we moved in together. I also had my own account which I have had for the past 13 or so years. My wages and child maintenance from the ex (and child benefit) all go into my account.

We made DP's account a joint account when we first started living together and all his wages go into it. Once I have my wages, I transfer most into the joint account. Some I keep back for kids pocket money and the odd direct debit I have but no more than about £60 a month.

DP earns £33k. I currently earn £14k. All bills come out of the joint account.

So the set up now is that we have one joint account and I have a personal account.

DP now wants me to get my wages etc paid directly into the joint account. I see his point as that would make it "fair" and we both have access to it but I'm worried. Basically my own account has always been my security blanket and as "financial abuse" was cited as a reason for his last divorce I'm extra paranoid.

Am I being unreasonable to want to keep things as they are? I suppose I am as he doesn't have a "personal account" but there is just a niggle there telling me not to do it and I don't know why.

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 03/09/2014 19:15

I would definitely keep my own account. I would definitely not be putting everything into the joint account of a man who financially abused his former wife. This sounds like the thin end of the wedge... why does he suddenly need all your money in a joint account, what is he up to...........

RedRoom · 03/09/2014 19:18

Listen to your instincts here. I'd be very wary of giving up my financial independence anyway, but more so for a man with a history of using money to control women. My husband and I have separate accounts plus a joint card one. I like to buy shoes with my own wages without having to justify it.
It's worrying that his abusive control over finances was a major factor in the breakdown of his marriage when here he is again, insisting on stopping you from having control over a mere £60 a month of your own money. He clearly hasn't learned when to stop, has he?

LadyFairfaxSake · 03/09/2014 19:27

DO NOT DO THIS!
safeguard your financial independence.

LuvDaMorso · 03/09/2014 19:34

Say "no thanks, I don't see any benefit to changing the current arrangement."

Note his response.

Have you already said no once?

LightastheBreeze · 03/09/2014 19:35

You say his last divorce, have there been previous divorces, maybe for the same thing.

Do not do this, he is trying to control you, why is he so bothered that you have your own account.

LuvDaMorso · 03/09/2014 19:37

It would be quite reasonable to tell him that because of the prior admission of financial abuse, it is important to keep finances separate, so he can't find himself being falsely accused later and so you never suspect him of it.

simontowers2 · 03/09/2014 20:02

Just say no thanks. Bet you any money he then starts to try turn the screw. Save yourself some hassle and LTB now while you're ahead.

Lweji · 03/09/2014 20:25

He is not even your husband. Just a partner.
Not such a great idea to completely merge finances.

Make sure you are fully aware of your lack of rights as a living in partner.

MsAnthropic · 03/09/2014 20:35

I would never consider paying my salary into any account other than my own personal current account. He should get his own personal account and you each contribute to the joint account fairly - however you work that out. Don't do it.

I find the idea that money is "family money" and pooled and both parties have the same amount of spending money quite a radical suggestion when we don't know how long they've been living together. That's something, IMHO, for life partner seriousness, but maybe that's just me.

overslept · 03/09/2014 22:25

woaaahhhh, lots of people on the "he is an abuser" band wagon, but honestly people sign anything if a spouse is difficult and they think little of the future when it comes to divorce. My mother went through similar with her divorce, she agreed to things that were not true just to be rid of him, he WAS financially, emotionally and physically abusive, not just to her but also me and my siblings. She signed it just to be rid of him. This is an extreme example but it happens, if you are stressed and worried by divorce you will sign anything to make it go away. I'm not saying let your guard down but please realise you are the one here who has your own account. The one who has access to ALL his wages via the joint account. He is actually putting himself in a vulnerable position, I can't comment on if he would be devious enough to lure you in using such tactics... but honestly his needs his own account for his protection as much as yours.

Esmeeel · 03/09/2014 22:52

I think you should tell him that you are not happy with the current arrangement and you want a joint account only for joint expenses, so he needs to open a personal account for himself. I wouldn't be comfortable with this arrangement of him having all his income deposited in the joint, it is not necessary at all and will create problems in the future.

sykadelic · 04/09/2014 02:36

I don't really understand his need for the change. It's not like he's the one having to transfer the money (i.e. effort). I would make sure it's an automatic transfer so he doesn't have to remind you (if that's one of his arguments), and an agreed upon amount.

I also don't understand why just because he chooses not to have a personal account that you must as well.

Just tell him you don't want it done that way, that you'd prefer to keep things as they are, or each have personal and one joint (to ensure it's fair if that's his argument - same amount going in for household expenses).

whatdoesittake48 · 04/09/2014 07:01

If he is financially abusive then you need to consider the fact that a bank account is also a great way too keep tabs on you. He would be able to see where you spend money, what shops you go to, when you have a coffee after work, when you buy a new pair of shoes etc
it is a great way to get an over view of a person. Right now you have some money you spend without his knowledge. Thst makes him very uncomfortable. In his eyes you could be saving it to leave him. ...
you leaving is his biggest fear and for controlling me they will change any aspect of your life that makes that easier for you.
Sorry but you need to be very careful.

whatdoesittake48 · 04/09/2014 07:03

For cintrolling men....not me. Freudian slip?

Lndnmummy · 04/09/2014 07:59

I work in banking. You say his account is now your joint account, how so? Have you duely signed a joint account opning form for this account? If you have not then it is his account which you have a debit card too. This is a significant different and means you only have access to those funds at his mercy. The funds are not joint as he could at any time freeze that account and remove your access.

If you are going down the joint acc route, insist on a new joint acc to be opened.

Appletini · 04/09/2014 09:11

Major alarm bells as others have said. You say this was his last divorce - what were the previous ones about?!

OneSkinnyChip · 04/09/2014 09:36

Absolutely never in a million years. It is so important to have some individual finance as well. I see people on MN who write things like, 'I don't understand all this separate accounts, we just have one account everything goes into, what's wrong with these couples with individual accounts?' The truth is if you have married later in life and been used to being financially independent it is very difficult to give that up. DH and I both have current accounts AND a joint account.

And what Lndmummy said!!!

Have you duely signed a joint account opning form for this account? If you have not then it is his account which you have a debit card too. This is a significant different and means you only have access to those funds at his mercy. The funds are not joint as he could at any time freeze that account and remove your access.

If you are going down the joint acc route, insist on a new joint acc to be opened.

JapaneseMargaret · 04/09/2014 10:22

...but there is just a niggle there telling me not to do it and I don't know why.

It's probably got something to do with the fact that he financially abused his ex wife.

This isn't 'gut instinct', it' 'blatant information'...?!

Lweji · 04/09/2014 10:28

I am one for joint accounts when married. It makes much less sense for unmarried people.
Unless the joint account is simply to pool some resources. Not all.

Still, it's always a good idea to keep some separate accounts.

Do you both have savings accounts or just current accounts? I'd assume he has a savings account that he is not sharing with you either.

SweetsForMySweet · 04/09/2014 10:39

Don't do it!! You'll regret it if you do.

Original poster
TheShitCook · 04/09/2014 12:22

Thanks for all the advice. I couldn't reply last night as I was at work and the signal on my phone was poor.

Ok a few points - he's only been married and divorced once, that was just my bad use of English. The divorce cited every abuse imaginable from verbal, emotional, physical and financial - he explained it to me that she'd just ripped him to pieces and he was shocked and hurt and just signed it to get it over with. My niggle here is that she provided specific examples in each case. When I asked him about the examples he says the "verbal abuse" was just two way arguments, the emotional abuse is made up, the physical abuse was one incident where she smacked him in the face and he pushed her and the financial abuse wasn't abuse, she just never showed any interest in any of the finances so he never bothered her with it. I remember when we changed the bank account I asked him "oh just thought, are you sure your ex wife can't still get access to this account?" and he quickly said (without thinking I assume) "nah she's never had access to it, even when we were together". By the sounds of it I don't think she even had her own bank card.

Regarding the account - how can I tell if I'm genuinely "part owner"? I do get bank statements for it in my name and addressed to me.

One final point - how can he withhold money from me when it's actually my money that I earnt and I have a debit card? He's good with money, doesn't spend a lot (he's actually the other way and is too stingy!) so I can't see him clearing the account.

OP posts:
petitdonkey · 04/09/2014 12:29

I think it is the fact that you have niggling doubts that tell me you shouldn't agree. Sorting out money if deeply personal in relationships and I know many couples that do it differently.

DH and I have always had our own personal accounts then a joint account which we pay a percentage of our salary into. When we met DH earned way more than me so I suggested it as a way to make me feel I was making a fair contribution.

Could you tell your DH that the main reason you want to keep your account is so that you can buy him birthday and Christmas gifts and keep them as a surprise?

Lweji · 04/09/2014 12:36

I'd be questioning him why she didn't have a card. Did she use his?

I also wonder about the divorce.
She only needed to quote one instance of unreasonable behaviour and he'd have to agree to it.
Why so much listed?
And why if she never really bothered about the financial side?

Has he never ever given you any cause of concern at all?

Squidstirfry · 04/09/2014 12:39

Trust your instincts with this one... I would also be wary of him based on his 'explanations' of his abuse.

MrsCosmopilite · 04/09/2014 12:43

At the moment I don't have any income so all bills etc are paid by DP but when I did work we used the following arrangement:
Sep bank accounts -wages paid into.
Joint bank account - transfer on same day of month from our individual accounts; each paid 1/2 share of all bills (monthly approximation of council tax, gas, electric, mortgage, etc.) + £25 to build up for emergencies.
Money in own (sep) accounts was for personal spending.