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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just when I thought I met a good one...

150 replies

rockpink · 29/06/2014 20:55

I have been seeing someone for quite a few months now, met each other's family (according to his friends I met recently he just doesn't "do" that kind of thing and he "really likes me!") and have introduced him to my DC's who think he's marvellous. So do I.

A month ago I found out he was still on Plenty of Fish (where we met) and when challenged he deleted his profile. He was upset with himself for upsetting me and really apologised. His mates were really cross with him and called him a bloody idiot.

Last week he had an email from Zoosk saying who'd looked at his profile... (he was checking out his emails when we were lying in bed after a lie in and I glimpsed it). He said he'd delete himself. On both websites he said he'd had trouble deleting them from his phone but would log on using a pc and sort it out.

So as I am sadly totally untrusting, having been cheated on all my life, I thought I'd check out Zoosk and he's on there.

He's supposed to come over tomorrow after work, I can pretend I haven't seen it, but what would you say to him?

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 29/06/2014 21:00

I'd tell him I deserved better than that and it was over.

Earlybird · 29/06/2014 21:01

Is the account old/inactive, or is he still using it?

Loletta · 29/06/2014 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

rockpink · 29/06/2014 21:05

I don't know how old the account is, or when he was last on. It could be inactive, you're right!
To be fair he is so laid back about life he has probably just forgot.
But in my trust-free life I am just wondering.
Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:

FabULouse · 29/06/2014 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

QwertyQueen · 29/06/2014 21:07

I would assume he hadn't got around to deleting it just yet, and they do make it quite hard to do.

Original poster

rockpink · 29/06/2014 21:08

I agree it's hard to unsubscribe from Plenty of Fish, you have to use a PC not a phone.
I dont know about Zoosk though.

OP posts:

Original poster

rockpink · 29/06/2014 21:10

But I'm thinking if I persisted and went through all the hoops and palaver and managed to get unsubscribed, what is it that has made him not bother?

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 29/06/2014 21:13

Actually, I found it was really easy to unsubscribe from all the online dating sites. I joined loads of them and then deleted my account within minutes if I didn't like the look of them. I never get any emails from any of them.

Cabrinha · 29/06/2014 21:16

If he was that upset, he'd have sorted it out, wouldn't he?
I was only on match.com, not one you mention - but when I met my boyfriend, I took the 10 seconds to hide my profile. It's not hard. And you don't just forget - because as you know you get emails all the bloody time!
He probably hasn't cheated.
But u do think he's shown that being upset with himself before was crocodile tears.
Hold out for someone who meets you and thinks "woohoo! Time to delete my profiles".

Hedgehead · 29/06/2014 21:18

Seriously it is HARD to unsubscribe from these sites! I still get daily messages from match.com and eharmony even tho I have tried repeatedly to unsubscribe from both. And those emails keep saying "come and check your matches" "messages waiting for you" etc. I am happily married and not at all interested in online dating but my DH would flip if he saw these emails but I can't seem to control them!

lettertoherms · 29/06/2014 21:18

I'm the type of person who will ignore emails to things I'm subscribed to forever rather than bother to take the time to log in on a desktop and unsubscribe.

I think if he's willing to delete it and not hiding his phone that's a good sign. But impossible to know as someone posting on the internet. Talk to him and see how you're going to move forward.

Simplesusan · 29/06/2014 21:22

It could be that he isn't actively seeking out anyone.

It took me ages to unsubscribe from match.

I would reiterate that now you have found each other you really don't want anyone who isn't committed just to you.

FolkGirl · 29/06/2014 21:26

Well I must be a genius then...

Because I clicked on the Delete account, was given the option of suspending or permanently deleting. Clicked permanently delete, put in my password to confirm I wanted to permanently delete it and did so.

Then I opened an email from them, scrolled down to the bottom, clicked 'unsubscribe' and voila, no more registration and no more emails.

BeforeAndAfter · 29/06/2014 21:31

I'm on and off the various dating sites including Match. It's very easy to remove a profile and unsubscribe. I did Match last week and it took less than 10 minutes. If you unsubscribe and still have a few weeks to go your profile stays up until expiry so you then have to hide it. On POF your profile is deleted straight away. These sites may continue marketing to you via e-mail (just like a double-glazing company does even though you've just had your windows done by them) and you need to unsubscribe from that piece but that's not the same as having a profile up.

Bogeyface · 29/06/2014 21:34

I am a sod for not unsubscribing. I just dont bother.

I send the emails into junk or delete them and dont think about it again. As a result I get an average of 100 emails a day, a few will be from Chumplady, an odd one a week will be from my sister or my dad, a handful will be junk/spam and the rest of things that I signed up for and never bothered to unsubscribe!

If he was checking his emails infront of you, hasnt blocked you on the dating website (which I think you can do if what I read on here is true) and is otherwise open and honest then I wouldnt think he is actively seeking someone else.

I think that his friends reactions to you are very telling, they have no reason to lie and they are clearly happy for you both. Dont let your guard drop too far but this does sound plausible (and I am a sod for shouting "OW!!!!!!!!" on here thanks to my own trust issues).

Poussay · 29/06/2014 21:39

I still get emails from previous use of pof and I can't work out how to unsubscribe. I don't have a PC, only iPad and phone, so maybe it would be more obvious on a PC but I'm another one saying benefit of the doubt if you don't have any evidence of him using it, only that he has a profile.

Bogeyface · 29/06/2014 21:40

And yes, I know 100 emails of shite a day is ridiculous but I will probably never do anything about it! Procrastination is not the thief of time in my life, it means that I dont waste time doing boring shit that I dont care about :o

todayisnottheday · 29/06/2014 21:46

I get emails from zoosk telling me who's looked at my profile. I am not now nor ever have been a member of this or any other dating site. I've not even taken a nosey about one.

Don't be too quick if your experience is good, just keep an eye open like any new relationship.

Original poster

rockpink · 29/06/2014 21:46

Awww man....I don't know what to do.

He works away for months at a time (on a ship) but he does get weekends off and has promised to come and see me.

He's going back this weekend, spent the last two nights out with his mates (but texted me loads)

I'm just too suspicious aren't I. But I did wonder if he only wanted a girlfriend while he was home. Meeting his family kind of negates that though?

Thanks for all your input, really helpful!!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 29/06/2014 21:52

Look at the facts. He is away on a ship for months at a time, he isnt going to be meeting anyone for a date if he is on a ship is he? He is hardly going to be looking for someone else if he is going to be at sea.

His friends and family have met you which is not a usual occurrence and they are very enthusiastic.

He wasnt sneaky about his emails, didnt hide them and when you saw it he didnt get stroppy and argumentative, he wasnt defensive, just worried that he had upset you.

Believe me, I know better than most how hard it is to trust when you have been royally shafted in the past. But my instinct is telling me to give him a chance. Thats not to say dont keep your eyes open, but dont hang him for the crimes of your ex :)

Original poster

rockpink · 29/06/2014 21:58

Ah thanks I'll see what happens tomorrow.

I am still going to ask him to delete Zoosk because I think I'm worth it.

May take a glass of wine beforehand!!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 29/06/2014 22:00

A simple "look, we are exclusive, we are "together" so I would feel happier if we agree to delete any profiles we still have on dating sites, is that ok with you?" and see what he says. But bear in mind that he may still get emails (as may you) because you are both now on their marketing lists.

I hope it works out :)

MiloSimpson · 29/06/2014 22:02

Re POF, if you delete your profile, you don't continue to receive 'people have viewed your profile' messages. Unsubscribing to dating websites is different though ie your profile remains there and whether you actively use it or not, you tend to receive random emails.

The only thing that I would question is whether he uses the websites to get 'attention' when he's away at sea. He can't very well met up with them but I know many people who love the attention and flirting and don't consider it an issue because there's no 'real life' contact.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 29/06/2014 22:18

I still get bloody zoosk things 5 years on and deleted my profile

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