Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just when I thought I met a good one...

150 replies

rockpink · 29/06/2014 20:55

I have been seeing someone for quite a few months now, met each other's family (according to his friends I met recently he just doesn't "do" that kind of thing and he "really likes me!") and have introduced him to my DC's who think he's marvellous. So do I.

A month ago I found out he was still on Plenty of Fish (where we met) and when challenged he deleted his profile. He was upset with himself for upsetting me and really apologised. His mates were really cross with him and called him a bloody idiot.

Last week he had an email from Zoosk saying who'd looked at his profile... (he was checking out his emails when we were lying in bed after a lie in and I glimpsed it). He said he'd delete himself. On both websites he said he'd had trouble deleting them from his phone but would log on using a pc and sort it out.

So as I am sadly totally untrusting, having been cheated on all my life, I thought I'd check out Zoosk and he's on there.

He's supposed to come over tomorrow after work, I can pretend I haven't seen it, but what would you say to him?

OP posts:
Original poster
rockpink · 29/06/2014 23:23

Thanks all, will update tomorrow. ...

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 29/06/2014 23:28

As someone who used to work in direct marketing by selling lists of names, numbers, emails etc (dont hate me, it was a job!) then if you gave a company your email at any point then there is good chance that you will get emails from them.

Frogisatwat · 30/06/2014 04:37

I can't delete my pof profile, I have actually put on my profile that I am not looking to date anyone and can't delete it. If I log in it puts me as active and I get messages. Usually saying 'hi' and nothing else. So I just leave it alone.

gingercat2 · 30/06/2014 04:46

I agree that he definitely should disable all his profiles. However I was on a couple of sites a few years ago and I have no idea if I bothered to disable them after I met my partner, and I haven't been bothered enough to go check, maybe he is the same.

hankyspanky · 30/06/2014 05:06

I'm sure I would show on loads of dating websites, I joined so bloody many that I lost track! After a few disastrous dates I decided to give up on the dating lark. I can't remember log in details for most sites and have been unable to delete my profile.
If by any chance I was to meet someone then my dating profiles are all over the internet BUT I haven't logged on for months (if not years) and that would be my excuse.

FellReturneth · 30/06/2014 05:07

You've only been with him a few months, and it is not always easy to stop anyone emailing you once they have your details. Even if he did de-reg chances are he can't get onto the site but his profile may still be up there.

And unless he has made a commitment of exclusivity to you, what does it matter if his profile is still active? A few months isn't long, after all.

Make a judgement based on your gut feeling about how he behaves, not on this email alone. Do you ever get the feeling that he is making excuses to spend time away from you? Do you feel confident that he loves you as much as you love him? Is he open with you, or do you feel he still values his privacy and his space?

All of those things will be much more telling than just the odd email from a dating site who refuses to stop spamming you.

needsmorecake · 30/06/2014 07:24

mn can be a paradox at times, there is also another thread on here, currently just under yours, about a woman whos been seeing a man for 6 months and has just found the same thing as you. the advice to her has been totally different.

Folk girl is right, it is easy to delete your profile and unsubscribe, ive done it lots of times myself.

if you are saying it isnt, its just looking for excuses for shit behavior that you know is wrong.

its your choice, do you want to be with someone who lies and is looking for other women, or someone who respects you.

Original poster
rockpink · 30/06/2014 08:24

Thing is, I'm sure he is not actively looking, I'm just annoyed that he is on there, thats my problem!

OP posts:
needsmorecake · 30/06/2014 08:40

ok,
so, logically, why would someone be there, logged in to dating site, if they werent actively looking?

what else is it?

Just browsing?

do you want to be with someone who browses single women, when they are in a relationship with you?

frog, why cant you delete your pof profile? its very easy to do, just click in the help bit and type in what you want to do, and it tells you how to do it. OR, you can click on edit profile and hide your profile in seconds. Again, all in the main bit of the site, no harder than updating your profile to say you arent looking....

YoBitch · 30/06/2014 09:01

I think the main thing here is whether this is going to wreck your head while he is away and introduce all sorts of worries and anxiety. if you've been cheated on before this is a normal response and not your fault, it's just your self protection kicking in.

needsmorecake · 30/06/2014 09:11

but wouldnt it wreck anyones head, if their boyfriend/partner/ whatever, was on a dating site, looking at and chatting with other single women?

of course it would.

I dont think its fair for the OP to look at this as her issue, which she needs to deal with.

its his issue, and his problem and he should be handed a ticket to dumpsville.

Bogeyface · 30/06/2014 09:29

but wouldnt it wreck anyones head, if their boyfriend/partner/ whatever, was on a dating site, looking at and chatting with other single women?

Err...where did the op say he was looking at and chatting with other women? He got an email which other posters have said they also get despite not using the sites anymore. You jumped to that conclusion from a standing start with no evidence!

Bogeyface · 30/06/2014 09:31

And on the other thread the OP knows that he has been active on his OD account, this OP has no evidence of that so it is totally different and thats why the advice is different.

needsmorecake · 30/06/2014 09:33

it also says shes checked out zoosk and hes on there.....

needsmorecake · 30/06/2014 09:36

he was also on pof a month ago and the OP called him out on it. IF he was as upset at upsetting her as her said, then surely he would have made sure he deleted all internet dating profiles.

but no, hes getting emails from zoosk and has an active profile on there, when he told the OP a week ago that he was going to sort it out.

So, hes been caught on dating sites twice and lied and said he will get rid of his profile, twice... while he still has an active profile on there., a whole week later.

id say thats a fair bit of evidence...

YoBitch · 30/06/2014 09:37

i wasn't blaming the OP at all or making it her issue. at the end of the day though, all you can do in situations like this where you have no evidence, is decide if you are willing to live with the 'maybe'.

Original poster
rockpink · 30/06/2014 11:27

I honestly don't think hes looking, he's just "on" and it's bugging me!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/06/2014 11:38

Sorry to say, but I've been with my OH a while and I only recently made my Match account inactive.

I can't do it at work as dating sites are blocked. You just cannot do it from your phone. If you can I never figured it out.
And to be honest I just CBA!
I did it eventually a couple of months ago.
But it never bothered OH.
He knew I wasn't on it.
You do get loads of emails and I just deleted them.

It's not easy. But have a chat with him and see what he has to say about it all.

Original poster
rockpink · 30/06/2014 19:03

Awkward. He knows something is up but I dont know how to bring the subject up! !

OP posts:
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 30/06/2014 21:11

Op, some of them (especially zoosk) are really hard to leave/deactivate. I remember I was in this position with my p and annoyed he was on some but not checking them etc.

He tried to come off one and couldn't so he removed all pics and writing so it was blank

getthefeckouttahere · 01/07/2014 10:48

Have a serious conversation saying that you understand that it can be difficult to unsubscribe but the fact he is a member makes you feel a bit insecure as it leaves open the possibility that he's messing you about. Explain that its important to you for him to be off them so could he please do that, no matter how hard it is and let you know when he has.

His reaction to this perfectly reasonable position should tell you a lot. Also it means that if he's on there again you know that he has ignored something thats important to you.

Jan45 · 01/07/2014 17:34

God's sake, just ignore those saying he's looking for other women, it's clearly difficult to unsubscribe from these sites, esp that Zoosk one, I get emails from them and I never ever registered so god knows how they get your email.

Not everyone is a little organised monster, he's probably forgotten he was even on it, I think you're being far too judgemental here and should give him the benefit of the doubt.

todayisnottheday · 01/07/2014 17:46

Op step away from Mumsnet, doomsayers always leave an uneasy feeling even if you don't agree with them!

This conversation isn't a big deal "hey x I love you loads but it's really eating me that you've not closed down your zoosk profile, any chance you could spare a few minutes to sort it out?"

It feels like a huge thing because you're building it up. If he's shirty about it then that's a different conversation but there's no reason to think he would be is there?

everynameisbloodytaken · 01/07/2014 18:08

I met my partner on POF five years ago and I still haven't got round to deleting my account. I did hide it after a while though, and I still get emails saying find a match in your area... I guess I'm just lazy.

Original poster
rockpink · 01/07/2014 19:53

I still havent said anything and have spent a lush 36 hours with him!

OP posts: