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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

519 replies

DickCrack · 08/03/2014 09:58

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 08/03/2014 10:02

I'm sorry to hear this. Can you for today just focus on having a nice day with your two boys? It's gonna be a lovely day can you pack some sandwiches and take them to the park for a couple of hours and calm your mind.

Have you got any RL support?

Logg1e · 08/03/2014 10:05

I agree, can you make it up to your son and can you call in the cavalry of real life support?

statementtotheedge · 08/03/2014 10:05

Have you got family or friends you could spend the day with today? I would get the kids in the car and head to my parents or sister etc if that's a possibility?
Bizarrely what I actually did in this situation was head to a farm play centre so that the kids were distracted and I just sat their shocked.

I'm sorry to hear this has happened.

It helped me to start making practical arrangements asap e.g. sorting out joint bank accounts etc

mammadiggingdeep · 08/03/2014 10:05

Sorry. It's just the shittest feeling. Please listen when I tell you you'll be ok, and so will those boys of yours.

I agree. Today....focus on your ds. Get up, and get out. Put one foot in front of the other. When they're in bed you can have your time to scream, shout and cry.

It'll make you feel more in control and better about it all if you give them a happy day. Have you got a friend that can go out today with you?

cozietoesie · 08/03/2014 10:38

I'm so sorry. Do practical things today - even if you're mainly on autopilot - and see if you can rustle up some real life support.

Oh - and remember to eat. (I'm not being daft - it's surprisingly easy to forget about your own basic needs in this sort of situation.)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/03/2014 10:46

There's nothing for you to be ashamed of. All the shame lies with your STBX. It's also OK for children to see you upset or angry from time to time. Children are very comfortable with expressing emotions and, if you give them the reassurance that you're OK, they can usually cope. As others have said, do whatever you need to today (and every other day) to get through and be happy. Good luck

Original poster
DickCrack · 08/03/2014 12:51

Thank you we are going out for cake and to buy a picnic. I've not eaten. I'm devastated even though things were bad, for my boys.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 08/03/2014 12:55

Do you have to go to work in the next few days?

(I'm wondering if you can get any time by yourself, at all?)

Ruprekt · 08/03/2014 12:57

Although it feels bad now, you will be so much happier in the long run.

He sounds horrible.....why did you even want to be with him?

Enjoy your picnic and enjoy your boys and be happy the sun is out! SmileSmile

Hissy · 08/03/2014 13:04

This is the hardest bit. It will get a little easier. We're here for you, no matter how long it takes.

Do you have family to go to?

A relationship that is sexually inactive and lots of rows sounds hellish.

In the long run, you'll see this was for the best. Try and focus on where you want to get to. Just do the bare essentials for now, and you'll get there.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
DickCrack · 08/03/2014 13:54

The relationship was hellish. What do I need to do now? I have asked friends not to come as when I talk I cry and the boys need to know its ok. Even if its not.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 08/03/2014 14:07

I disagree, I think you need support.

(Others may disagree, but I always think it's best to tell children, "Yes, I'm feeling sad and need a bit of a cry and a cuddle" rather than say, "I'm fine" when they can see and sense that you're not).

cozietoesie · 08/03/2014 14:10

I'd second that - get some people round and don't worry about the crying. The last thing you need is to closet yourself away because that can cause its own problems.

Hissy · 08/03/2014 14:31

Oh christ love, if you can't cry now, when?

Let your friends support you, if you feel overly vulnerable, get your friends round after the dc are in bed.

You do need this support, and you really deserve it.

Crying is ok. Expressing your feelings is essential, the world won't end if you burst into tears, but it certainly won't start to heal if you don't allow yourself to feel.

You will be ok, you will get through this.

Original poster
DickCrack · 08/03/2014 15:52

I feel sick and anxious. I expect he's gone straight round hers for a shag. He's not contacted me to find out how boys are. I wish he was dead.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 08/03/2014 15:55

Were you living together?

Logg1e · 08/03/2014 15:55

It's not even early days at this point OP, it's early hours. I don't often encourage people to continue posting, but on this occasion I think it would help you to post on here what you're feeling and thinking (and this will change with the hour).

You've said what you've done to look after the children. What have you done this afternoon to look after you?

mammadiggingdeep · 08/03/2014 17:31

Hope you're ok.

X

Queenoftheworld · 08/03/2014 17:36

Please don't feel ashamed. Take each hour as it comes. You will get there, and I am sure you will be better off in the long run. He sounds like a selfish

Hissy · 08/03/2014 17:42

Every single thought that's racing through your head is valid, every feeling is ok.

This happened today. :( you're understandably in shock. Just be kind to yourself, do what you need to to get through the hours to come.

Eventually it will start to feel not quite so raw.

Remember mumsnet is 24 hours, if you need anyone to talk to, even in the wee small hours, our overseas mners will come and hold your hand.

You are not in this alone. There are (sadly) so many that have beeb where you are today and come through it stronger and wiser than they ever imagined.

I'll be thinking of you lovey. (((hug)))

Hissy · 08/03/2014 17:42

Been not beeb :)

Original poster
DickCrack · 08/03/2014 18:22

Thank you. Yes we've been living together for 13 years, mortgage, kids, debt, the full works. I've done nothing to look after me, I'm waiting till the boys go to sleep to go to pieces.

OP posts:
Original poster
DickCrack · 08/03/2014 18:26

I'm feeling exhausted and yet anxious, sick, full of self loathing, and hurt that he could walk out on our beautiful boys. His sister just texted me - hope you are ok she said. I sent a horrible text back about how we are not, about while I've been working late to repay debt he's been wanking and sending photos of it to her, his old admin worker. What a fucking cliche. Lots of friends have sent messages to support me because I went mad and posted the entire circumstances on Facebook. I know this is wrong and inappropriate. But I didn't want to have to tell everyone face to face, I can't do it.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 08/03/2014 18:28

It is neither logical nor right to loathe yourself. He chose to walk out (but so far he's walked out on a marriage, not his sons).

I think you really need to get some support. If you don't get support and look after yourself kindly you're not going to be able to act with strength and dignity.

cozietoesie · 08/03/2014 18:36

If you sent that text to his sister, just think of what's bottled up inside you.

We'll all be here if you need to talk but I think you also need to talk to some friends in real life and hear an adult voice in your ear. Have you got the phones on ?