My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

[DickCrack]

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

[LBZT]

sorry haven't commented before on your thread but doesn't punching the door count as an aggressive action. JMO but I think that mrsc is right. Contact center for the interim, your ex sounds like a bully and he has no right to treat you like this. You deserve respect and kindness you gave him 2 babies I really don't think that's to much to ask and from his texts he seems to be demanding respect from you but is unwilling to afford you the same??
Don't forget if he does take the boys for an extended stay they may well be very upset by this not to even mention the mental trauma to you. The worry being if he has so little thought for you and the boys by his actions of recent it is not unreasonable for you to take steps to protect yourself and the boys.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Sorry "MaryShelley*..I disagree..this family have been extremely unsupportive to the OP, not to mention the children, it's all a bit convenient using them now. I also take HUGE issue with "your partner left you not them"...my husband said that to me....but he did...leave me...and the kids...and the OP's partner has done the same. They leave, they leave you all. That "line" absolutely sticks in my throat because it is me..and the OP...and many others who have to pick up the pieces of the emotional mess these "men" leave behind.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Dick...any news? How did you get on? x

[DickCrack]

Hi MrsC. I'm laid low with a stinking cold. I took your advice though and provided him with a contact schedule. He's still banging on about overnight contact but I'm resolute on that - it will not be happening. I found some online resources which defined his legal rights and provided him with the link which stumped him a bit. I've told him if he doesn't like the arrangements I've made he can take me to court. I let him have them yesterday for swimming as ds1 was asking for him. I wasn't happy about that but I don't want the children upset any more than they are.
I still don't miss him. I'm glad he's gone. I'm not free of the desire for revenge yet though.
Me and the boys are having a DVD and chocolate day today! I'm back to work week tomorrow, feeling ready for it now.
He won't tell me how much maintenance he will be giving and he is full of self pity and anger towards me. He accused me of taking the boys to the seaside to punish him!
I feel like it would help to have a fling with someone, considering online dating.

[DickCrack]

I've totally ignored any contact from or reference to his family. They are not my problem any more. I will delete any messages unread.

[Flux700]

Mary Shelley, the 70th is just about the MIL's needs, not the boys. The boys are still sleeping with mum and need mum around as security amid such turmoil

[Flux700]

If you have to pass comment with his family/him just state you have been putting the boys needs first above the needs of anyone else. You have been picking up the pieces in the aftermath of DH's affair and the boys are very delicate still.

[Meloria]

I have only seen this thread today but wanted to add a tip I found useful. If you're struggling at night then get into a good box set. Two episodes per night will last you about two weeks per series. 24 got me through some rough times, especially since there are so many series.

[DickCrack]

Well he kept up this onslaught of messages demanding to have the boys every day until I capitulated. Then nothing since.
I've reflected and just sent him this:
Actually I have been thinking that being at yours three days in row may not be in boys best interests. You can stamp and shout and bully me all you like but I'm going to put the kids needs before yours. They know you are around, they don't need to see you daily. In fact such frequent contact is not going to help them settle into their new lives where you are not present. No other separated family that I know of has such frequent contact. Happy to discuss with you if you want to phone me, otherwise I think Monday as arranged and maybe weds afternoon for park and tea is appropriate. I realise you would like to see them more but this isn't about you, it's about them having stability. And I'm the parent who stayed. I'm the parent who has slept with them each night and picked up the pieces of what you did to them. I am their stability. You will always be the person who destroyed their family, and they need to know they can rely on me. I am in my rights to set what I feel is a reasonable level of contact. Twice per week seems appropriate, sat and weds, plus this week mon as bank hol.

[DickCrack]

Just added this too:
Ps before you start this has nothing to do with being vindictive, hating you, wanting to punish you etc etc etc. I am only thinking of the boys, as I have been since you left. And in fact I have no desire to punish you, I realise now you leaving is the best thing that's happened to me in many years. Though obviously not the best thing that's happened to our boys.

[Hissy]

Flipping awesome! :)

[DickCrack]

meloria I am struggling at night. I could never get in to 24. Thought about repeating lost! Any other recommendations, or tips gratefully received. X

[Hissy]

.. but actually, it's not the worst thing in the world for your boys.

They will grow up NOT emulating his treatment of women.

You will show them how to treat women. I'd say that's a gift, don't you? (my theory with my DS anyway!)

[MrsC1969HJ]

The Walking Dead. I love a zombie I do :-). Dick, stick to your guns with this one, I am having the same issues at the moment. Do what is right for your kids, let him take you to court if he feels differently.

[Nanny0gg]

The West Wing. Amazing series.

I have no experience of what you are going through and I think you are being very strong.

Would it be better if you did keep his texts? You never know what you might need to refer back to...

[DickCrack]

Thank you nanny - and yes I'm keeping his texts. I can see this ending up in court. He had them today, he was 45 mins late back. 7.45. Their bed time is 8.00. They were covered in face paint and needed bathing. I'm still trying to get them to sleep. His reason for the lateness - they were watching a film and he lost track of time.
He's playing games.
I have texted and asked him to consider showing me some respect as the mother of his children. He hasn't replied.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Dick I have been told off the record by a friend who is a family liaison officer that if my H is back late with DS then I am to ring 101 and report it. It doesn't matter how often. You should put a record that you are concerned he won't bring them back...then report it every time. He has NO RIGHT to do that. Aside from anything, it is utterly terrifying, I have been through it myself.

[DickCrack]

Thank you MrsC - I hadn't thought of doing that. I rang him and insisted he return them immediately. I wish I had ring 101 now.
How are things with you?
I've been a bit crap today, had some thoughts of wanting him to come back. I miss my family life :-(

[Bogeyface]

The lateness was punishing you because you said that him leaving was the best thing he could do for you. How DARE you not be in pieces? How DARE you not be missing him, dreaming of him, wanting him back?!

He needs you to be thinking about him. Pathetic isnt it?! :o

[MrsC1969HJ]

Dick I am OK, had some pathetic texts from H this weekend going on about how I have "no idea of the hell he is going through and will never understand, I have paid for leaving, don't you worry"...oh really?! Twat. I know what you mean about family life though, it's very difficult. Please do ring 101 next time and you should make a report anyway. I get some very good advice from my friend, so always feel free to PM me if not sure x

[Hissy]

Dick his access needs to end at 6pm then. Bogey's right, this is him making you pay for not being destroyed.

What a tit he really is. HE did this FFS, not you. HE DID.

Are you feeling better now love? overcome your wobble?

[DickCrack]

Thank you hissy - I've just dropped the boys off at his flat. It's a student top floor attic, two tiny rooms, it was clean but very depressing. I can't believe he's thrown everything away like he has - 49 years old and living in a fucking bedsit in shit street. He must have really hated me to do it. More wobbly today. Ds2 been to docs this morning, another chest infection. Not really sure what to do with myself now.

[Hissy]

My love, please don't think he did that because he hated you!

He did it (a) because he could (aka entitled) and (b) because the only person that's important to him is him.

You, rightfully or wrongfully, were never at the centre of his decision making rationale.

[Hissy]

Please just keep reminding yourself of the truth of your relationship.

Hellish, remember?