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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

519 replies

DickCrack · 08/03/2014 09:58

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

OP posts:

Report

Hissy · 09/03/2014 18:40

For now i'd leave the valuation as arranged. You will feel differently this time next week.

Estate Agents are clamouring for instructions atm, so while they might be disappointed if you do cancel, they need your house on the market so will accommodate you.

99% of my clients are estate agents, wish I could send a few of my tamest ones to look after you! :)

See how you get on with the phonecalls, make sure H knows that if it's not working for you, that you'll revise the plan. YOU set the conditions here now!

What you need to try to do is rise above him. Regain control and definitely not do the 'pick me dance'.

Make HIM grovel for contact with your family in a way, make sure that he has no right to expect anything just because he wants it. Your dc come first, YOUR needs come before his.

HE can go fuck himself if he's not happy with x, y or z.

This empowered you will show him what he's lost, and it'll do you the world of good too!

FabBakerGirl · 09/03/2014 18:49

Be careful with your meds. Don't take double. Was it an accidental overdose or were you hoping it would help quicker?

DickCrack · 09/03/2014 19:13

Thanks everyone, the responses are helping. I'll decide re the valuation on Friday then.
Meds, it's sertraline, I was on 50mg which is lowest dose - I have PTSD following traumatic birth. I doubled it after consulting dr google. Max dose is 200. I started thinking about suicide almost immediately, I can't go there again.

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FabBakerGirl · 09/03/2014 20:53

Please don't take advice from google and please call your GP tomorrow for advice.

Don't hurt yourself again. Your children need you.

DickCrack · 09/03/2014 22:10

Ds was so sad when he got home. I had made a picnic in living room with cartoons on, their favourite programmes and food, thought it would help with the transition. But he refused to eat and then sat next to me on sofa holding my arm. He's normally 100mph. I asked him what was wrong, if I could make it better. He just said he wants daddy to come home. Fucking twat ex had been crying in car on way home, I know this as both boys told me. I tried really hard to be positive. Am I playing it wrong?

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cozietoesie · 09/03/2014 22:17

Do you have any realistic idea what he might have been saying to the DCs throughout the day?

DickCrack · 09/03/2014 22:33

Oh my god, do you think he could have been saying something awful? Have I been stupid letting him see them? Ds said very very little about what happened and I didn't want to quiz him.

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cozietoesie · 09/03/2014 22:50

I have absolutely no idea but it would seem unlikely to me that, at the very least, he would have been crying without DS doing a 'Why are you crying, Daddy?' and getting some response.

I think you need advice from someone with experience of separating when you have very young children, I'm afraid.

Hissy · 09/03/2014 22:50

He's trying to win their sympathy.

Tell him that if he can't do the time, he shouldn't have done the crime in the first place.

He has no fucking right to cry in front of the children! How self centered and downright manipulative.

Tell him you'll be suspending contact until he's sure he can hold it together in front of them.

You won't have him upsetting or unsettling them when he caused all this shit in the first place!

How fucking dare he!

cozietoesie · 09/03/2014 22:53

It is self centred and manipulative isn't it? Using little ones as pawns in some sort of power game.

DickCrack · 09/03/2014 22:55

This is the latest text messages conversation with him, I would be interested in your thoughts:

Eventually I could take them a couple of nights a week and weekends turn about or alternate days.

No you won't be taking them overnight.

You can't shut me out his birthday. You can't punish the boys. They haven't done anything wrong. We have to be normal around them. I failed badly at that today. It wont happen again.

You chose to walk out on your family. If you wanted to be so involved you had another choice. You can't have you cake and eat it. Those arrangements would not provide the boys with the stability they need to grow. They need to be clear where home is and they need to know they can rely on one of us 100% to never leave them.

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cozietoesie · 09/03/2014 22:59

I'm thinking.....that you ought to be seeking legal advice on your situation sooner rather than later, DC. He's playing games already and you need to knock that one on the head quickly.

DickCrack · 09/03/2014 23:01

I won't be here for his birthday. I am taking them away. Clearly you can't join in on that.

Where are you taking them?

Ds2 not bothered you've gone anyway. To my parents for a family do. You won't be welcome.

What? In the day on his birthday? During his party on the Saturday or when at xx? Mighty long family do.

Straight after school on Friday. Party will be cancelled, I simply can't do all the work for it on my own.

You don't have to. I will help. What about his birthday and potential trip to zoo?

What about it? He'll have to go to nursery on his birthday unless I'm off sick, I can't waste a single days leave now due to holiday cover issues.

Can't we just be civil with each other for kids. Isn't that best for them?

I am being civil. Despite the fact I discovered you have been screwing some bint since DS2 was born, the bitch you both had the audacity to bring into my home to see him as a newborn. How much more civil do you want me to be.

No response to the last message. 13 years together and he leaves me like this and just refuses to even discuss, even mention, or apologise for what he's done. Absolute cunt.

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DickCrack · 09/03/2014 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie · 09/03/2014 23:07

Oh yes indeed.

DickCrack · 09/03/2014 23:09

This is much worse than I thought isn't it? It's going to turn really nasty.

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DickCrack · 09/03/2014 23:11

It's like he feels justified in some way about his behaviour. He's clearly not right in the head. He has not engaged once in anything re her. What shall I do? Cut him off? What if he goes to the school or nursery? Can he just take them?

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Logg1e · 10/03/2014 05:39

I think you need professional advice as soon as possible, keep contact to a minimum and don't provide him with any written evidence of your "unreasonableness".

Logg1e · 10/03/2014 05:39

I meant contact between you two, not him and his sons.

MuttonCadet · 10/03/2014 07:34

I know you must be hurting badly, but be very careful what you write in a text message.
They are admissible in court, you need to make sure that you are seen to be helping contact between your ex and the children.

gamerchick · 10/03/2014 07:59

make sure you have a word with teachers about whats happened in the bairns lives in case they act out at school.

Keep things consistent for the kids atm.. don't talk about your relationship with their dad in front of them.. they will be listening and it doesn't help. It can be easy to forget that they are there when you're in a ball of upset.

Keep communication practical with your ex... no more emotional stuff for the minute until you've got your head around it all.

Keep contact with their dad rigid so they have a bit of stability and no using them as a weapon because you're hurt.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

DickCrack · 10/03/2014 17:15

Been to work where I have been looked after fantastically. I have applied for working tax credit - I will get more than I thought, I have applied for 25% council tax rebate too. Kids were ok at school and nursery, I feel shattered. I ate a sandwich, first proper food since Friday.

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mammadiggingdeep · 10/03/2014 17:55

Hey love,

You're doing great. Well done re. Tax credits etc.

The reason he doesn't engage in any talk about the ow and his appalling behaviour is text book. My ex did it. I think they detach and compartmentalise so much that it's like another life- unrelated to you and the family. It's also, of course because they know that to discuss it, admit it, then ales it real and that means they have to accept they're a total cunt. They now they are but admitting it out loud is another matter

Hang in there. Well done for eating. Little and often. We are all here for you

X

cozietoesie · 10/03/2014 18:22

You're doing really well. Such good progress today.

Did you get any sleep last night?

DickCrack · 10/03/2014 18:34

I got 6 hours sleep last night. Ds1 seemed ok but ex just rang and he refused to speak with him.

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