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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, just found out DH having an affair, don't know what to do

232 replies

knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 09:36

My DH didn't log off from the family computer last night properly and have found emails in his sent box to someone (who looks like is also married). They are all of a sexual nature and he definitely looks like he's been having an affair for at least the past 3 months. He has been using 'going to the gym' as an excuse. It's making me feel sick.

He's due to go the gym this afternoon after work. I don't know what to do - we have a 5 month old and a 3 year old. Please help me. Do I ring him? confront him?

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 17/09/2013 09:38

Hold your powder dry. If you react too soon, it just all goes underground.

Get EVERY bit of information you can. Text numbers, email addresses, etc.

Tell us your story.

elizadofuckall · 17/09/2013 09:42

Agree with wobbly. Record all of the details and forward emails to yourself to an account that he has no access to.

Im sorry, I know how horrible this bit is :(

Cluffyflump · 17/09/2013 09:42

Have you got a sister/close friend you can get round?

Don't contact your H yet as Wellwobbly says, you need to collect and save info (I would include finances in that).

Sorry Thanks

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 09:44

I'm in tears holding babyon lap as i write.

I'm so gutted. Daughter born in 2009, we got married shortly after. The relationship took a bit of a pounding with the looking after of a young baby, but got back on track (or so I thought).

TTC baby number 2 for about 18 months. Things happier between us. DS born in March 2013, It appears on the e-mails that he had an email sexual thing going with someone from his work last year. Looks like that fizzled out. Then about 3 months ago, reading the e-mails he's started up something else. This time they've met. Oh shit, I can't believe this. We haven't had sex for about a year. So I'm guessing this is my fault.

I didn't have a good pregnancy and have been so shattered looking after DS with sleep deprivation that sex just wasn't on the agenda. I'm feeling this is my fault. :o(

OP posts:
LumpySpace · 17/09/2013 09:45

Get screenshots because he will try and deny it.

StupidMistakes · 17/09/2013 09:45

Keep all evidence then confront him. Don't let him wriggle his way out of it

SkodaLabia · 17/09/2013 09:45

Don't forward the emails! He will be able to see that they've been forwarded. Screenshot them.

I've often seen on here suggestions to photocopy all bank statements etc immediately before he knows the game is up.

What an awful thing to happen. Flowers

BerkshireMum · 17/09/2013 09:46

So sorry.

You need to do your best to hold it together and prepare for all eventualities. That means thinking what you'd do if you ask him to leave (permanently or temporarily), gathering financial info etc and also thinking who you'd like to talk to. Who can you trust in RL that will be on your side without another agenda?

Please don't think that by telling you to gather documents and be prepared I mean you should LTB. I just know you'll feel better if you are in a position of relative strength. Decisions come much later.

Take care.

SkodaLabia · 17/09/2013 09:47

It's not your fault, of course it isn't. It is a decision he has made, not you.

meditrina · 17/09/2013 09:48

You do not have to do anything immediately. It's hell, but this is the time when you need to pause and think. Recognise that you are in shock, and that isn't the best time to make far-reaching decisions.

If you are sure you have enough evidence, then you do have control of when and how you confront him. One more meeting this evening doesn't actually make much difference to the bigger picture. Choosing a time when the DC are not underfoot may be helpful.

youvegotmail · 17/09/2013 09:48

I'm so sorry. :(

Hegsy · 17/09/2013 09:48

It is NOT your fault. Anyway you could get someone to babysit and follow him to the 'gym' tonight? Agree with others gather as much info as possible before confronting him.

blueberryupsidedown · 17/09/2013 09:50

You really need to think clearly and that's going to be very hard. Take a very deep breath and try to have a friend to look after your children and you will have to confront him. Please ask for support from a close friend you might need it. It is not your fault. He wil probaby say that it is. Many couples don't have sex for long periods of time after a baby.

I really feel for you and you are living one of my worst nightmare and I can't start to imagine how you feel. Try to get proof, and think of a plan - how, where, when. I know it's going to be hard but you have to plan it so that the children are not there or being looked after by someone.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/09/2013 09:51

Right - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!
He has chosen to do this and he is the weak one here.
If sex was an issue for him he should have discussed it with you.
Loads of men have affairs who have a perfectly healthy sex life back at home.
Mine certainly did. After 15 years together we were still at 3-4 times a week but he still had an affair.
This NOT about you. This all about his own self-entitled arse.

This is a process though. You will feel all sorts of things at different times.
You need the anger to come quickly.
You also need some real life support quick sharp.

Do not confornt him yet. Sit and breathe, cup of tea and think things through. No knee jerk reactions. Well thought out processes required here.

I am so sorry you are going through this with 2 young children as well.
And look up hysterical bonding, because you may well go down that route otherwise and you definitely want to AVOID that part!!

Get friends and family around you and keep posting here for support.

meditrina · 17/09/2013 09:52

" Oh shit, I can't believe this. We haven't had sex for about a year. So I'm guessing this is my fault."

No it isn't your fault. There may be all sorts of problems in your marriage that you might have contributed to. But the decision to betray is 100% his. And the lack of sex could well have been because of his betrayal - he had to give himself "permission" to cheat. Not giving yourself to your spouse is a way of doing so.

Cluffyflump · 17/09/2013 09:53

This is absolutely not your fault.

People don't have a sexlife with bad pregnancies and sleep deprivation.
He chose to deceive you.
He could have come home and taken care of the baby and let you rest instead of going to 'the gym' he had enough energy for that Angry

kiriwawa · 17/09/2013 09:53

It's not your fault at all. Men don't die without sex.

Do you have a joint account?

VulvaVoom · 17/09/2013 09:56

Sorry this is happening to you, I can only second what everyone else has said about gathering evidence so he can't do the whole denying stage and to make sure you have copies of all the financial stuff. Try to stay calm and focused.

I do find it odd on here sometimes - you've been told it's not your fault about the sex thing (I don't think it is either OP BTW) but on another thread a poster who found her DH had been watching porn because she wouldn't have sex was told in various ways 'well, can you blame him?' Confused

Cluffyflump · 17/09/2013 09:59

How helpful VulvaVoom Hmm

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 10:03

Shit just forwarded an e-mail to myself and it's obvious!! Will delete that one - though don't know how to do a screenshot.

Have rung a couple of friends both too far away to help, but both wonderfully supportive.

I think it is just a sex thing as he says (and I find this just laughable) 'I don't want to risk my marriage' WTF??????!!!!!

Am taking down e-mail addresses - god what do I do tonight when he gets home?

Yes, have joint account, but I'm the one in full control of the finances. I'm the breadwinner in this household and organise the paying of the bills etc.

I feel sick Sad

PS thank you every one. I can't believe this is happening...

OP posts:
kiriwawa · 17/09/2013 10:09

Have you got a printer? If you have, just print the emails out. Otherwise, open paint/word/powerpoint and press fn (bottom left) + prt sc (top right) at the same time.

Then paste into whichever programme you've got open

Gingerandcocoa · 17/09/2013 10:10

Are you on a windows or mac computer?

Gingerandcocoa · 17/09/2013 10:11

If windows, there is a print screen button on the top right of the keyboard. You open the email you want to take a screen shot of, click the print screen button. Then open Paint, and click ctrl-v to paste the image. Then save the file and email THAT file to yourself, from your own email account.

witch000 · 17/09/2013 10:12

How about using your mobile phone to take a photo of the emails.Unless he looks at your phone.

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 10:13

No printer so not able to do that. Shot the screen with the emails says address not valid....need to see if I can get back in. I wonder if he knows and has just changed his password wherever he is which would mean he knows.

He would realise from the sent box and the forwarded email. In a way I hope so, hope he's shutting himself somewhere..

OP posts:
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