Please help, just found out DH having an affair, don't know what to do

[knickyknocks]

My DH didn't log off from the family computer last night properly and have found emails in his sent box to someone (who looks like is also married). They are all of a sexual nature and he definitely looks like he's been having an affair for at least the past 3 months. He has been using 'going to the gym' as an excuse. It's making me feel sick.

He's due to go the gym this afternoon after work. I don't know what to do - we have a 5 month old and a 3 year old. Please help me. Do I ring him? confront him?

[Vivacia]

I'm worried that the contradictory advice you are getting is unhelpful. My advice is the same as some have said. Slow down. Take time to think. Don't rush in to anything. Discuss things on here. How you feel now at 12 O'clock may be a world away from how you feel at 4 O'clock.

For what it's worth I wouldn't reply and wouldn't get him home. Use this vital, vital time to get your head together, get support from your mum and plan what to do at the time you expect him home.

[TalkativeJim]

Packing a bag and making him go is the BEST thing you could do if you do find you want to work things out.

May seem counterintuitive, but right now you need to go on the attack - to show him that there will be no easy way out. Go into 'let's sort it out' mode too soon, and he will take advantage of that.

Pack a bag for him and PHONE THE BANK AND FREEZE YOUR ACCOUNT.

Seriously, I know I keep saying that but PLEASE do it.

[MrsMelons]

My only concern about the non-replying is that he may realise what is going on and be full of excuses and lies, I genuinely think that you need to hear his initial reaction.

However, I think you have got lots of advice on here, not necessarily all entirely different so maybe you need to just go with your gut instinct on how to deal with it. Keep talking on MN for support!

[Thisisaeuphemism]

He might come home if he is really panicking.

If you want more time to digest, you could text with a 'busy with babies'...

[TalkativeJim]

Crikey - I too missed the fact that he's been playing away with different people since last year at least.

This man is not your friend.

Secure your finances NOW.

[knickyknocks]

I think he's coming home. Thank you so so much for all the support. I feel like i'm in a nightmare. A bag is packed and I've taken pictures of the emails on my phone. I hate him right now. I'm looking at my gorgeous 5 month old and wondering what is going to happen.

Maybe relate sessions in time. I will also talk to Mum. I need her support and know I wouldn't be able to keep it from her. She's nearly 75 though and I'm worried about how this news will affect her.

By my reckoning he'll be home some time around 3.

[knickyknocks]

I'm not sure he did the do with the first woman, think it was sex talk but even so it's infidelity in my book. That was when I was pregnant at the end of last year.

I think I need to try and ear, I haven't yet. Suspect it won't get better later on.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

Please tell people who will be supportive. I'm sure your mum would hate not to know.

Be strong. He has not been in a marriage with you for a long time.

[Ezio]

Dont lets him give you that ego boost bollocks, having a beautiful wife and children should be the biggest ego boost there is, not some cheap shags when the wife dont know.

[knickyknocks]

I think I need to try and eat. Sorry in a mess and not being careful when writing my posts. So difficult trying to look after the baby too whilst this is going on. Thank God DD isn't here.

[knickyknocks]

Your kind posts of support are making me tearful. I never thought he'd do this to us.

[SpottedDickandCustard]

Don't speak to him at all today, let alone make any plans (eg relate).

Just tell him to leave and that will give you some time to think and grieve.

DO NOT SUGGEST RELATE TO HIM. That way he has got off the hook and taken no responsibility for his actions.

As others have said, he needs to feel loss. And you need to decide whether you want to remain married to a serial cheater.

[Mama1980]

I have no advice to add just couldn't read and run. I second everything the above posters have said, give yourself time, personally I would leave a bag outside and not see Him today.
And absolutely none of this is your fault x

[meditrina]

You say you're the main breadwinner?

Next time you're at work, change your details, so all future pay goes into your own bank account, then transfer money to meet obligations when it is needed.

When he comes in, let him speak first.

And tell him this is his only chance to make a full confession. It might mean the end. But lying, by omission or commission definitely means the end.

[TalkativeJim]

Glad you are telling your mum. Yes, it will change their relationship, but - this is where you are. If you stay with him, just imagine how it would destroy you inside to see her treating him with the same warmth and trust while visiting, at Christmas - while you are a ball of pain. You cannot heal like that. You could never rebuild from that position.

If you're all fired up and ready to see him, fine - but, I don't think you are right now. I think you need more time to absorb the shock, and get calm, and prepare for seeing him for the first time, because it will be a watershed. You want to be in control, and in control of the situation.

If I were you, I would text to tell him that his bag is awaiting and that you will not be letting him in, and that you will contact him when you are ready to talk. And that you know A LOT, more than he might expect, and one thing which will help you decide which way to go with this is how honest he is with you now. Tell him he has time to think, and he had better think good and make the right decisions. Oh, and that you will be wanting to see all correspondence (even if you don't!) so if he destroys anything, you're finished.

[SpottedDickandCustard]

Excellent advice about getting your salary paid to you.

[youvegotmail]

Please stop thinking about relate, and about how your mum will view him later - you're already thinking about a future with a cheater. He will sense he's got away with it already.

Right now just be angry and show him what he's done.

[MissStrawberry]

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

None of this is your fault. Plenty of people don't have sex for a long time after a baby is born.

Just remember you have given birth twice. That usually hurts a lot but you get through it. You are stronger than you think and you don't need him in your life. A man should enhance you life, not fuck it up and make it harder.

[YoniMatopoeia]

So sorry you are going through this. Do you have anyone close by who can come and be with you?

[chaosagain]

Do tell your mum. Your relationship with your H, if you choose to have one, won't be the same either. It'll need rebuilding. Next to that, that his and your mum's relationship will be different is nothing. This is the reality of what HE's done and denying yourself support only protects him. Your mum will know something's wrong soon and would presumably want to be there for you.

I'd also think carefully about seeing him today at all - take your time to feel ready on your terms, not his. And try to eat something, even if its just a bite here and there. Your little ones need you to be functioning as well as is possible..

[ksrwr]

my one piece of advice is to let him truly believe that its all over, so he has a substantial amount of time to really realise how much he has lost. this way, if you do ever want to work things out, he'll have hopefully learned a huge lesson.

[liquidstate]

Pack an overnight bag NOW so you are prepared if he turns up early.

Give him one chance to explain and before he does this tell him he must go elsewhere until you have sorted your head out. Its not your problem where he goes.

I am a relate success story but even I wouldn't recommended thinking about joint counseling now. You may need single counseling but don't worry about that today. He needs to understand that he has to do all the work. And we are not talking about sorry and a bunch of flowers here. In the meantime separate all your accounts and start making a diary with what is going on and most importantly your feelings.

The people on this forum have excellent advice and can point you in the right direction for reading matter to understand everything etc. good luck!

[bleedingheart]

You don't have to decide anything yet. I think the temptation can be to try and paper-over/fix the problem ASAP and pretend it didn't happen, especially when you are sleep deprived and worried about the children.

Keep you cards close to your chest. I strongly advise that he goes elsewhere. It doesn't mean its forever and it doesn't mean you are sending him into her arms.

He could have looked after the children while you slept, spent time helping you so you weren't so tired. He didn't do that and even if he did, it wouldn't entitle him to cheat. He courted someone else and thought he could keep you on hand as wife and mother. Get angry.

[Vivacia]

I've read many wise words on MN, but one idea that struck me recently is that many people presume that lack of sex led to one partner seeking an affair, however it can be that the lack of sex was caused by one partner seeking an affair.

Either way, I think it's an irrelevant excuse here.

[ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee]

I'm sorry you are going through this :(

I did all the wrong things :( I wish I'd had MN when it happened to me, I'd have handled it MUCH better.

He does have to go, at least for now. You need time & space - even if you don't want it.

The 'need' to 'make it better' is overwhelming I know and you think it's your fault and that you can 'work through it' - all because you don't want to lose him. The very sad fact is that you already have - no matter what he says. Anything you have with him, going forward, is new, is different and has to be wanted by both of you AND comes at a very very large 'cost' - most men who have affairs don't have it in them to rebuild a new relationship with their wives and just want it all swept under the mat (or put to bed as my fucking stupid ex said!!).