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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, just found out DH having an affair, don't know what to do

232 replies

knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 09:36

My DH didn't log off from the family computer last night properly and have found emails in his sent box to someone (who looks like is also married). They are all of a sexual nature and he definitely looks like he's been having an affair for at least the past 3 months. He has been using 'going to the gym' as an excuse. It's making me feel sick.

He's due to go the gym this afternoon after work. I don't know what to do - we have a 5 month old and a 3 year old. Please help me. Do I ring him? confront him?

OP posts:
Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 10:14

Fecking autocorrect!

OP posts:
Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 10:14

I'm still feeling absolutely sick.

OP posts:
VulvaVoom · 17/09/2013 10:16

What witch said (pictures on phone or camera) I do this when no access to a photocopier.

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 10:16

Yup, suspect he knows can't get back into email. Do I wait for him to contact me?

OP posts:
wiganwagonwheelworks · 17/09/2013 10:18

install a free screenshot program if you feel up to it. Greenshot is easy to use and you can save the screenshots and email them to yourself.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/09/2013 10:19

On the keyboard - control print screen (Ctrl then PrtScn) - Then go go into word or another any other program and then shift insert.
Put it onto any document - word is probably best if you have it.
Or you can just take photo's of the screen with your phone?
I'm glad you are getting support in RL.
I have no idea what you should do when he gets home.

In hindsite from when I found out, I would be packing a black bin bag right now and would leave it outside the front door with a note on it saying that you know and that he needs to leave alone so you can think things through for a few days. The front door is locked and you won't be letting him any time soon.
Not sure how practical that is with work etc.. or if you are on Mat Leave. If you are off at the moment then no problem with doing this.

So many of us know how hard this part is. You just want to talk to them to find out why etc.....
The best thing though is to show him 'loss'! What he will lose because of this. Even if you work through it later, he has to understand that this is not acceptable and that there are consequences.

Keep strong for now and kick him out so you can get some head space. Then you can decide what YOU want. Because believe me, if you talk to him it will all be about him. And he won't know why he did it. Space for you and be kind to yourself!
((((((((((HUG)))))))))))

TalkativeJim · 17/09/2013 10:20

Move all money from the joint account NOW, or call the bank and have it frozen.

picklebumplum · 17/09/2013 10:21

I would call your bank and remove any chances he has if taking any money. I would then text and ask if he needs to tell you anything. .

I would then change the locks because I would bury the bastard if faced with him

maxybrown · 17/09/2013 10:21

Unless it's windows 8 then you hold down the windows button (little squares on bottom left?) and prntScr button top right at same time. It automatically saves them in a screenshot album in photos.

lunar1 · 17/09/2013 10:30

Do you have anyone that can get pics tonight. I did this for a friend once as everything else just made him deny it.

None of this is your fault. He could have talked to you about sex and been honest about his feelings. He and he alone is responsible for finding an ow.

youvegotmail · 17/09/2013 10:32

Did you know the old password and now can't get back in? If not it may just be that it's timed out or something.

He may have realised that he's left it open and changed the password. I hope he's shitting himself.

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 10:35

Got a terrible tummy ache all of a sudden - what did he mean he doesn't want to risk his marriage in an email to her? By the looks of things she's married with kids too :-(

Do I kick him out tonight? My DD is at nursery I don't want to row in front of her.

OP posts:
ShepherdsPurse · 17/09/2013 10:36

oh dear poor you Sad

He'll be on the phone or texting you in a minute to try to test the water and find out if you know.

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 10:39

Defo can't get back into his email saying address not valid. What a stupid stupid man he is. I read in one of the emails he thought I was looking at his phone. Wouldn't even know how to! But knew something was up with hid excessive gym sessions - plus he seemed to take ages when going to the loo - flipping knew he was up to something. Just still not sure how to handle tonight. Certainly can't sit there having an evening meal with him pretending everything is fine.

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 17/09/2013 10:40

Sorry that was a bit blunt as I had baby on one arm!!

You will get great support here, so keep calm.

Now isn't the time to make any decisions at all - there's no rush, your feelings will change from hour to hour. Don't even think about what you might want to happen - just don't stress about it at all yet. Plenty of time.

What IS time dependent is a. getting evidence and b. securing assets. I know all that sounds terribly dramatic and aggressive but you MUST DO THIS - even if you are already thinking that you can sort it out. The point is that this will have shown you that no, you don't know the person he is, and you DON'T know - as you might have once thought you did - what he might do to shaft you. So you move to PREVENT any possibility of him shafting you first, THEN you think/talk. (Secondly, making swift moves to secure finances especially is a VERY effective way to show him that you will be no pushover, whether it comes to wanting him out or wanting to know all. And that's no bad thing...)

So - great that you are the breadwinner. Secure the joint account so that he can do nothing. Get some of his possessions together so that if he comes home, you can have a bag in the porch and can tell him to fuck off for a week without him having to come in - this means you don't have to face him or talk until YOU want to.

So - evidence. Don't sweat too much if you can't get back in to email. YOU KNOW, and that's the important thing. You need no more proof, and if he tries to go down any minimising/denying route, you just refuse to talk - 'right, I can see you've made the decision, by lying, to end our marriage - bye.'

Secondly, after the bank account, try and get details of his finances, pension etc.

And no - it's not your fault. Partners with small babies tend to have little or no sex. They BOTH miss it. Good partners go through that together, both focused on the babies, then work to get it back. Selfish shitheads, however...

TalkativeJim · 17/09/2013 10:44

Yes, bag on doorstep. Firstly, it buys you time, secondly, it puts the fear of God into him. If he seriously thinks you're going to dump him, you WILL get more info out of him. If your first move is to peacefully let him in, it says 'this can be worked through.' Right now, that will be his green light to try and smooth it over and tell you as little as possible.

You want to show fury, cold fury and let him know that the only way he will get back over that doorstep to even TALK to you again is to come completely clean, tell you EVERYTHING. Or - it's the end.

Preciousbane · 17/09/2013 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/09/2013 10:47

For tonight?? Like I said up-thread - leave a bag for him outside.
He knows now that you know so you will have to sit tight and wait for his communication. He will test the water to start with.
Don't reply. Stay silent and kick him out for now.
Give yourself some time. You are still in shock and won't make rational decisions right now.
Shame he found out you know without you gathering all the evidence. But you know as you read them all.

As others say - bank account freeze etc.....
Practical things for now.

SpottedDickandCustard · 17/09/2013 10:47

Excellent post by talkativeJim.

I know you are devastated and emotional right now but you have to be tough and get evidence/mean business with him so a) he can't bullshit you and b) he knows you are serious.

Oh and BTW I did not do the deed with my DP for well over a year when I was PG (hyperemesis and post natal depression). His cock did not shrivel up and die as a result. We talked about things and sorted it out TOGETHER.

So don't let the bugger blame you.

TalkativeJim · 17/09/2013 10:48

Can your DD go somewhere else?

If not, can you text him to let him know that a bag will be around the back/in the porch and he can collect and go quietly? - and that if he doesn't, if he hammers on the door or shouts and upsets your DD, he's pretty much driving the final nail in the cofin?

'If you try and gain access or make a disturbance and DD hears this, then be assured that that will be my cue to understand that you no longer care for EITHER of us as you should. In which case, the next time we talk will be in the presence of solicitors.'

TalkativeJim · 17/09/2013 10:49

...But don't text until you hear from him. And you will. Right now, he is shitting himself and racking his brains to think what to text to find out what's going on.

MadBusLady · 17/09/2013 10:53

Agree with TalkativeJim, stay silent. He knows he's been rumbled. Let him fill the silence and explain himself without any conversational prompts from you. If you start talking to him he has material to work with.

Agree also about moving any joint money immediately.

chaosagain · 17/09/2013 10:57

Echoing others too. You need to take control here. The general advice on this sort of discovery is to ask your H to leave for a while this is for two very good reasons:

  1. You get space and time to think and then can talk on your terms when it works for you and you're ready.
  2. It helps him understand how very serious this is and really understand what it is he's put on the line by shagging someone else.

Sadly, it seems there is a script and that people who have had affairs minimise and only admit to what they think you know/the minimum. He may need it spelt out that honesty will be key if you're able to have any future that means rebuilding trust and that can only work with him being completely honest and accepting all responsibility. In no way is this your fault. He had the options to talk with you about any issues, to find a way through together that worked for you both. He decided not to do that.

As others have said, lots of us suffer from much reduced/absent sex lives with tiny children - it is not an excuse or a reason to have an affair. It is a reason to pull together, support each other and ensure that you both have as much rest etc as possible.

So sorry you're going through this. Look after yourself especially and make sure you take the next steps on your terms. And breathe. Plenty of time to work through what all of this means and what you want after the shock.

perfectstorm · 17/09/2013 10:59

We didn't really have sex after DS was born for pretty much a year either. I think that's normal. Sleep deprivation and being touched-out by a baby can do that.

Don't let him twist it so his betrayal is made partly your responsibility. That's bollocks. Small kids are demanding. Decent spouses don't react by removing a lot of their emotional energies for the cheap strokes of an affair.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/09/2013 11:01

I would pack him a bag. He may have twigged you are onto him but he might still bluster or act hurt you could even think of such a thing blah blah. Part of his taking a huge risk like cheating is persuading himself if you did find out, you'd do anything to keep the marriage going for the children's sake. Those little ones he had no scruples about avoiding for hours on pretext of work or gym.

May I just gently suggest you don't go looking for reasons, he will have a barrowful of excuses.

You haven't dodged sex to antagonise him. He must have realised after DD that things take a while to get back to normal. If he's been sleeping with somebody for months it hasn't been 12 months of abstinence has it - recently he will have only half heartedly looked to you for sex. If it's someone at work he's had ample opportunity to meet, flirt, overstep boundaries for months.

So sorry this has happened.