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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, just found out DH having an affair, don't know what to do

232 replies

knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 09:36

My DH didn't log off from the family computer last night properly and have found emails in his sent box to someone (who looks like is also married). They are all of a sexual nature and he definitely looks like he's been having an affair for at least the past 3 months. He has been using 'going to the gym' as an excuse. It's making me feel sick.

He's due to go the gym this afternoon after work. I don't know what to do - we have a 5 month old and a 3 year old. Please help me. Do I ring him? confront him?

OP posts:
Viking1 · 17/09/2013 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 11:21

He's just tried ringing.he's left a message saying he was wondering how I am. To contact him back. Then he said 'love you'.

God I'm in bits.

OP posts:
Ezio · 17/09/2013 11:22

Yeah i think hes shitting himself now.

youvegotmail · 17/09/2013 11:24

So sorry for what he has done to you.

Is there someone that could come and be with you while you get things together?

Please do take the very wise advice re finances and gathering evidence.

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 11:24

He's rung 3 times - should I text him to ask him to come home? DD is at nursery till 5 I'd rather deal with this when she's not here.

He's due to go to the gym this afternoon, though that may be crap, more than likely and off for a shag. The thought of it makes me sick.

I want to ring my mum yo get a hug but know telling her will change her relationship with him forever.

OP posts:
flippingebay · 17/09/2013 11:27

I'd send him a text back telling him his 'gym bag' is on the door step and to find somewhere else to stay.
You need time to think and he also needs time to realise what a fuckwit he is...
'If' you decide to work on it this course of action won't do any harm - if it does then he's not worth the effort anyway.
Can you get someone to stay with you tonight and help with the DCs?

SpottedDickandCustard · 17/09/2013 11:28

Just ignore his calls.

He will shit himself. You can use the time to pack his bag and leave it at the front door.

Ring your Mum, you need her support. telling her will change her relationship with him forever Yes it probably will. As your relationship with him has been changed forever. AND THAT IS BECAUSE OF HIS ACTIONS.

flippingebay · 17/09/2013 11:30

Oh and THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Even if there has been no sex for a year that doesn't mean he's justified in shagging someone else

Platinumstart · 17/09/2013 11:30

Take one hour at a time, your head will be all over the place.

In your position I'd be texting back saying "you have five mins to phone me back and tell me everything how honest you are will have a direct impact on whether I continue our marriage"

His reaction would give me a good idea of whether there was anything worth salvaging, although to be honest the fact this isn't even the first time would make me think not

flippingebay · 17/09/2013 11:30

Oh and THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
Even if there has been no sex for a year that doesn't mean he's justified in shagging someone else

Ezio · 17/09/2013 11:31

Also its not your fault at all, hes not entitled to a sex life.

He chose to shit on his vows, instead of trying to work on his sex life with you.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 17/09/2013 11:35

Yes, tell him to come home. Before dd comes back

hellsbellsmelons · 17/09/2013 11:37

No - do not get him to come home now.
You aren't emotionally ready for this.
You will forgive him and he will have no consequences and then he'll do it again because he can get away with it.
You need SPACE! Seriously - listen to everyone else who is saying pack him a bag and don't have any contact with him for now.
Wait until it's time for him to go to the gym and then text him to say there is a bag outside and he's to stay elsewhere until you are ready to talk.

You need time - really you do - you will thank us for this - trust us! We've all been there!!!

Rooners · 17/09/2013 11:37

Yes I think you should text him asking him to come and get his things, and to find somewhere to stay as he is not welcome to stay at your home any more.

Is the house in your name? You can change the locks I think if so, not sure on that one. But anyway, he needs to get his stuff and fuck off for at least a while, if not for good.

Tell him you won't engage with him when dd is there.

I am thinking he doesn't want to risk the roof over his sorry head, but it's too late for that.

So sorry you are being treated like a fool. Thinking of you xx

youvegotmail · 17/09/2013 11:38

I missed the bit where this is the second affair he's had. :(

I'm sorry for the double whammy.

Remember, he WILL minimise as much as he can. He doesn't know how much you know. Keep your cards close to your chest. Tell him you've read his e-mails, 'made a few calls' and that you know everything. Now you want his version, and if he dares to lie to you or minimise his actions you will end the discussion.

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 11:39

He's just tried ringing again. He'll be shitting himself now. He must know I know.

Will pack a bag for him. If I chucked him out have no idea where he'd go.

I never thought this would happen to me. If I think about our kids I just want to sob.

OP posts:
MrsMelons · 17/09/2013 11:39

If it was me I would ask him to come home now. I think you have enough evidence and you don't need to have copies of it to show him as you have seen it and are 100% of what has gone on.

It is definitely not your fault, not having sex for a year is irrelevant, it is something you should be working through together not him shagging someone else as a solution.

It is very individual to people how they feel about this sort of betrayal, some can work through it and some can't, I agree with others, your husbands reaction will tell you a lot and maybe give you some idea of how you feel about it all. I do think you should ask for some space, I think you deserve to have some time to think about things, if he does love you and wants things to work out he will respect your wishes.

Thinking of you op!

Rooners · 17/09/2013 11:40

Where he goes is not your problem, focus on worrying about you and the children - that is quite enough for you to do.

He hasn't wasted any time worrying about you.

SpottedDickandCustard · 17/09/2013 11:42

Will pack a bag for him. If I chucked him out have no idea where he'd go

That is not your problem my lovely.

Please stop worrying about him eg where he will go, his relationship with your Mum. His shagging 2 other women have caused this. Not you.

Viking1 · 17/09/2013 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadAboutHotChoc · 17/09/2013 11:46

He sounds like a serial cheater Sad

You have already received great advice - remember that HE chose to shag around, not you so he is the one who is destroying his marriage and family.

Where he goes is not your problem - he needs to feel LOSS. Loss of his home comforts, his home and his marriage. That way he gets to appreciate what he is losing and is more likely to fight for you and do all the right things to save his marriage. Loss is the only thing that motivates cheaters.

Rooners · 17/09/2013 11:49

I do think that it is questionable whether you want him to fight for his marriage though - it sounds as though you would be happier without such a stressful person hanging around x

Wellwobbly · 17/09/2013 11:49

Me too:

Loads of men have affairs who have a perfectly healthy sex life back at home.
Mine certainly did. After 15 years together we were still at 3-4 times a week but he still had an affair.

and this:

This NOT about you. This all about his own self-entitled arse.

We all never thought it would happen to us, OP. The time you are in now, finding out that he doesn't care about you as much as you for him, and he really is this selfish, is torture.

Please be very strong, and very firm on this. Kick him out. He can't miss what he hasn't lost.

And? Phone the other number and tell you you will be forwarding the texts to her husband. (so what you don't have the number).

Blow their little bubble right out of the water.

Platinumstart · 17/09/2013 11:51

To clarify I absolutely do NOT think you should ask him to come home. I do think you should speak to him on the phone if you feel strong enough but only insofar as you provide a one off opportunity for him to tell you the truth. It he lies and manipulates then you know exactly where you stand.

Thisisaeuphemism · 17/09/2013 11:57

I think you should tell your mum too.

I'm sorry this is happening - I'm sorry he did this to you.

He has to know that its marriage breaking stuff - and whatever you decide in the long term - its best that he leaves the house for now.

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