Please help, just found out DH having an affair, don't know what to do

[knickyknocks]

My DH didn't log off from the family computer last night properly and have found emails in his sent box to someone (who looks like is also married). They are all of a sexual nature and he definitely looks like he's been having an affair for at least the past 3 months. He has been using 'going to the gym' as an excuse. It's making me feel sick.

He's due to go the gym this afternoon after work. I don't know what to do - we have a 5 month old and a 3 year old. Please help me. Do I ring him? confront him?

[FetchezLaVache]

I agree with the bag on the doorstep and refusing to talk to him scenario to put the fear of God into him. When you do talk to him, don't tell him how much you know- he will stick to that even if there's more to it. Make him tell you. If his story falls short of what you know, you have caught him in a lie and know that he's doing the classic minimising thing.

[TalkativeJim]

I agree about the irrelevancy of the sex, really.

Your problem isn't sex, it's having a husband who is able and willing to cheat. It really is that simple, and bringing it back to sex is kind of looking at it from the wrong angle. It's all in this sentence, for me:

'I don't want to risk my marriage.'

Eh? But he is sleeping with someone else. So, what's his definition of this 'marriage'? Because it isn't the same as mine. My marriage is of paramount importance to me - and a fundamental part of what it is is sexual and emotional fidelity. I protect and do not 'risk' my marriage - my marriage, ie what it means to ME in MY head - partly by not sleeping with other people. If I did, I would have chosen to discontinue the marriage as I understood it. There would be nothing of any meaning to 'risk'.

Clearly, he has no understanding of this. No sense of 'marriage' being something within HIM, which exists largely because he continues to uphold its tenets, his promises, and cherishes it as something which chiefly exists in his own heart. No, on those counts he is hollow. What he defines as his marriage is the physical nuts and bolts - 'having' the things that marriage brings like home, hearth, children, security - and your devotion, the whole lot of which he is happy to obtain under false pretences.

So what that one sentence says to me is that this man is a shell. He has little understanding of what marriage is, or should be. Which is why he is likely to expect to be able to 'save' this. He will doubtless say he will 'fight' for you, and 'the marriage'. That he 'will change'. But NONE of that is the point. The point is that what he's demonstrated is that there was never any real marriage, because one of the partners clearly had no idea what it meant. And your knowing that, OP, will not change even after a thousand apologies and years of good behaviour, because he's simply not the man or husband that you thought he was.

I would bet a very, very large sum on this guy, at some point, saying that 'he made a mistake' when you ask him WHY. It's the classic line, and as soon as you think about it for longer than a second, it becomes nonsense. No - you simply chose to have sex with someone else because you wanted to do that more than you wanted to stay faithful. Being faithful therefore isn't important to you. How on earth can he say that to you? - he can't. Hence the nonsensical 'I made a mistake'. No, you made a choice, and a choice that says everything about you.

[Bogeyface]

I've read many wise words on MN, but one idea that struck me recently is that many people presume that lack of sex led to one partner seeking an affair, however it can be that the lack of sex was caused by one partner seeking an affair.

Totally agree, this is what happened to me. He didnt want sex with me because he was getting it elsewhere, but said that one of the reasons he had the affair was our crap sex life, until I pointed out that I was the one who wanted to get counselling to try and improve it and he was the one saying no.

[Distrustinggirlnow]

Hello OP.

so sorry to read this. You have received some good advice here and I will echo what others have said - this is in no way, shape or form, your fault. Ok......? It is really important that you understand that.

He has been detaching from you, emotionally checking out for some time.

Sadly there is a script and it goes like this.

He will deny
He will delete (think he may have started doing this)
He will minimise. By minimising I mean he will try and say they only met once, only kissed once, and then my favourite he couldn't get an erection to have sex.

You know this isn't true. You have seen the email evidence.

You need to try and stay calm as I think you are going to confront him when he comes in at 3.

You need to ask him about it, if necessary bluff a bit.
Something like, 'i know that you have had at least three affairs since the DC have been born. I need you to tell me about them now'. (I know you said two, but if you say three, he may say, no it's only two!!)

Then you must be quiet. There will be silence but you must not fill it. If he tries to deviate, bring him back to your point.

Personally I said in answer to his cheery hello, are you alright,
' no I'm not and I want you to tell me all about xxx xxx' his face was a bloody picture!

He may cry and say it means nothing, a mistake, he loves you blah blah blah.

You need him to ring the OW on speaker phone and finish with her.

You then need him to leave for a few days as he needs to see, first hand, what separation from you all is like. You need to use this time to decide what you want out if all of this. Can you try again, because you can if that's what You want. For this to work you need total transparency and honesty from him. This is not the easy option, trust me!

Sorry if I've gone on a bit but this afternoon is important. And I wanted to try and help you to get it right.
It's horrible. I know it's horrible.
Always here to hold your hand

[Mama1980]

Thinking of you op x

[picklebumplum]

In all honesty I don't think relate is an option here, it may help you to seperate from him but it will not fix the relationship.

If you decide to try and work things out with him, no matter how much you tell yourself it can work you will never trust or believe a single word he says or a thing he does again.

Be better than that, take the respect that you deserve, show your babies you are strong enough to defend yourself no matter how hard the situation may be.

Not only has this "man" cheated and betrayed you he has betrayed his children. He made the decision to go off and find something else, he was the one who ruined everything and took it upon himself to decide that the grass might be greener. He will now realise the grass is not as shiny as it may seem.

Give your mum a call, or a friend see if they can have your dd's for a couple of hours and get him out of your home.

Don't even have an argument as with people who have no conscience or morals they always believe they will win, it is a drain you do not need.

Then tomorrow go about your day, sort out some finances and protect your assessts.

This is not your fault.

Demand respect and demand the truth of which you deserve. Be strong, even though your world is falling all around you now it will not always be this way eventually you will build your life and have everything that your supposed to have.

[PedantMarina]

Don't have much to add, except a (probably badly worded) version of what I'd read before:

You thought he was the man you could trust.
He thought you were a pushover.
Turns out, you were both wrong.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Hope you are OK, knicky.

The fact that he has done this twice and that it was clearly intended to run alongside your marriage, suggests that he thinks he is entitled to sex on the side.

[Xales]

If you are still reading and he isn't home. Keep quiet.

If he doesn't normally call then he knows you are onto him. Your best way of getting information is to keep quiet and let him hang himself. Most people will get flustered with the silence (especially when guilty) and try and fill it.

Don't let him turn this into your fault because of X, Y or Z. He chose to screw around rather than raise any problems with you. He chose just remember that.

Tell people. Don't try and do this alone. You have done nothing to be ashamed of, it is not your fault. Tell them and use them for support.

Take time and look after yourself and your DC. You come first. You don't have to sympathise with any crying and 'I'm sorry' from him. Put yourself first.

Also I don't know if it has been suggest but please consider going for a full STI check up

[SkodaLabia]

How are things, OP? Did you empty/freeze the bank account?

[knickyknocks]

He's Home. He's tried to tell me it was just a kiss and I told him to stop lying cos I knew everything. Have told him to go to his mum's - he can tell her why he's there.

Told him that if we were to stay together that there will now,always be a chance of me saying I can't get past this, that therefore our marriage is irreversibly damaged.

So,many wise words on here. I was only going to buy something off Amazon, then I found all the emails. What a day. Have also told him I want him,to send an email to the ow to say it's over. She is married with kids too. What a dreadful business. Seriously your support today has been fantastic. He's still sat in the conservatory at the moment. Will need to go in there and kick his disgusting sorry ass out of the house. Can't bear to have him near me.

[knickyknocks]

Oh and rung my mum. She was wonderful saying she'd come over. Someone said upthread that I would be thinking come Christmas time, that she would have given him the same love and warmth as usual and I would have been thinking he's a lying rat.

[SpottedDickandCustard]

WELL DONE KNICKY.

"just a kiss" - well that's OK then isn't it?

Stay strong (even though you probably just want to curl up and cry. You can do that once he's gone).

[knickyknocks]

Bank account not frozen as not enough in there to worry about. I have 5k saved up, meant for my mat leave but also for emergencies. He has no access to that.

[PyroclasticFlo]

De lurking to wish you luck and strength OP, well done for standing up to him and retaining your self respect. He doesn't deserve you.

Be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself and get as much support both in RL and here as you can.

[chaosagain]

How hard for you.. And how sadly predictable with the minimising, I'm sorry..

Maybe it might help to let him know that for any chance at rebuilding a marriage in the future you now need him to:

• have respect for what you want and need (and that means packing a bag and being gone by 3.15pm, for example, and not being in touch about 'talking' until you're ready. Decide how you want him to be in contact about the children - e.g. email, and ask him to stick to that).
• be completely honest (when you're ready to talk)
• take full responsibility (from here on in).

Perhaps, offer to go for a walk while he gets his stuff together and ask him to be gone by 3.15 when you come home.

Hugs to you. Call on all the RL support you reasonably can.

[Cluffyflump]

Oh knicky...

This is so unfair on you.
He chose to fuck up because he did. Not because of anything you did or didn't do.
You don't have to be perfect to deserve a non cheating spouse.

[Mama1980]

Well done knicky, just adding my support again. So glad your mum is coming, get all the rl support you can.
X

[BerkshireMum]

Well done OP. So glad your mum knows too.

Can he run up debt on joint account? If so, you might want to take away that option.

You've had great advice here - Talkative Jim is very wise. Please remember that you aren't making any decisions now, just creating circumstances where you take control and all options are open to you.

Take care

[flippingebay]

Well done OP, I did everything wrong when I found out my DH had an affair and I'm still suffering now for it (3 yrs down the line) wise words from mn as usual.

Stay strong and good luck

[Writerwannabe83]

I have been watching this thread Knicky and I think you have dealt with it superbly and with so much respect for yourself. You should be proud of yourself for addressing it so well. Take comfort in your mother's support and just focus on the needs of you and your children x x

[WhereMyMilk]

Sending you strength and support in dealing with this . You are doing the right thing kicking him out-he needs to learn what he's lost-& don't talk about getting past this yet. You need time and space. He needs to be completely honest-sexually incontinent dickwad.

[LittleMissGerardButlerfan]

I'm glad your mum is coming, you are doing very well.

It's ok to feel angry, sad whatever you want to feel but remember it is absolutely NOT your fault

[hellsbellsmelons]

Hey nicky
Hope you got his sorry arse out of your house.
If you can't then just tell him that your mum knows and she is on her way round now to lend you support and that'll see him running for the door.
Keep strong and don't believe a word he says at the moment.
He will be lying and minimising like his life depends on it!!
Well done on telling your mum - get her round to help out with the kids so you can have some down time.
You need to try to relax (yeah I know, it took me month to do that) as the adrenalin will be going mad at the moment.
Keep us posted and keep strong!

[MarilynMoanroe]

How bloody awful, wishing you lots of luck.