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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, just found out DH having an affair, don't know what to do

232 replies

knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 09:36

My DH didn't log off from the family computer last night properly and have found emails in his sent box to someone (who looks like is also married). They are all of a sexual nature and he definitely looks like he's been having an affair for at least the past 3 months. He has been using 'going to the gym' as an excuse. It's making me feel sick.

He's due to go the gym this afternoon after work. I don't know what to do - we have a 5 month old and a 3 year old. Please help me. Do I ring him? confront him?

OP posts:
SkodaLabia · 17/09/2013 15:00

Well done, it sounds like you were absolutely brilliant and handled the everything with dignity and strength.

Glad your mum is coming over, it will give you a RL person to talk things over with.

SkodaLabia · 17/09/2013 15:01

And remember, he has 'driven' this whole thing. You need time to mentally catch up. Don't be pushed into doing or saying anything you're not happy with. Flowers

PedantMarina · 17/09/2013 15:04

"Just a kiss"?!?!?

OK, now you have a whole new thing to worry about - whether he passed his Incredibly Stupid Genes onto your DCs.

I know you were told he'd try to minimise, but THIS?!?

"Just a kiss"!! Jesus wept.

KoalaFace · 17/09/2013 15:07

Oh Knicky you are being brilliantly strong (even if you don't feel like it).

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

We are here for advice, handholding and for if you want to vent.

Take care of yourself and your DC. Let him feel his loss.

elcranko · 17/09/2013 15:11

Knicky, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. As everyone else has said, NONE of this is your fault. I gather he noticed the forwarded email, realised you had seen it and came straight home when you didn't answer the phone? He must have shit himself. Good! So glad that you're making him leave and that your mum is coming to support you. X

PedantMarina · 17/09/2013 15:27

And, sorry, didn't mention this before, but my heart goes out to you. Any flippancy in my last posting shouldn't be taken as otherwise.

You're doing well. Keep it up!

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 15:37

Ooh interesting. Just made him email her to say it's over and i've made him leave the llaptop open in case she replies. She has, she says fair enough, have a nice life. Second email 5 mins later, she,has asked 'one thing does she know my name?'

I do - should I rise above it or respond and say it's his wife here, yes I do know your full name (and then give it.....)

OP posts:
MrsMelons · 17/09/2013 15:39

Why does she want to know if you know her name? Is it because of her husband.

Thisisaeuphemism · 17/09/2013 15:40

I would email back: yes I do, cheers. And your husbands name.

And leave it at that.

Thisisaeuphemism · 17/09/2013 15:40

Has he left yet? He really should :(

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 15:41

Yes must be. I sort of want to reply - just to make her feel stupid too. I wouldn't do anything else about her. She's got her own sorry state of a marriage to deal with.

OP posts:
SkodaLabia · 17/09/2013 15:42

Dignity is all, let her stew. If you email back you could be drawn into an exchange that you might regret later.

Leverette · 17/09/2013 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
knickyknocks · 17/09/2013 15:42

He's gone to his mum's. I'm left with this email...oh and a 5 month old and my DD to collec. In a bit.

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 17/09/2013 15:44

Tbh I would just ignore, though I understand the temptation.
Has he gone yet?

MadBusLady · 17/09/2013 15:44

Knicky you've been brilliant so far. I don't think you should be getting involved in their emails.

He twigged that you were reading his email. You have no idea how they straightened out their story together (by text or on phone) before he got home. You could be being fed total bollocks here, he could have warned her to expect a "grand goodbye" email.

I don't think he should be there with you at all.

The only way you are going to see some serious remorse from him is if he REALLY thinks he might lose you. Kick him out, not your problem where he goes, say you are going to consider your future.

MrsMelons · 17/09/2013 15:44

I am so impressed with how you have dealt with this, you sound amazing!

I can't see any reason not to let her know you know who she is. I think she should be made to feel some responsibility for this but you are right not to take it any further with her IMO.

Thisisaeuphemism · 17/09/2013 15:44

You're doing great op, is your mum coming today?

He is a complete twat.

MadBusLady · 17/09/2013 15:44

x-post, glad he's gone.

alwaysontop · 17/09/2013 15:45

So sorry op - and it's not your fault x

Vivacia · 17/09/2013 15:46

I'd go with that reply, "yes. I do".

Mama1980 · 17/09/2013 15:47

X posted sorry.
Is your mum on her way?
You have been amazing very strong and dignified. X

nemno · 17/09/2013 15:47

I am so impressed how well you've handled this knickyknocks. I know you are embarking on a really hard bit of your life but hang on to the strength and dignity you have shown now. There will be times when you won't but never doubt that you can cope. All the best.

OrmirianResurgam · 17/09/2013 15:48

Sorry to read this x. But you are amazingly strong. I wish I could have been as strong. Good luck

saferniche · 17/09/2013 15:48

magnificent x