Every man I've ever been involved with has treated me like crap

[VelvetSpoon]

That's really not normal is it?

I have been 'dating' (ha fucking ha) for 4 years, encountered an endless string of fuckwits. The latest one has decided he is 'too busy' to see me, cancelled on me 3 times and forced me to dump him.

But I've realised it's not just all these OD losers, it's all the other relationships/ encounters/ whatever I've had in the years beforehand too. Every single one.

I'm trying to think of any of them that have actually treated me nicely...one ex helped me a lot with house stuff, but he refused to go to most social events with me, and in our 9 month relationship never stayed overnight at my house. So didn't exactly treat me that well. There was only 1 other, who was v considerate when I saw him but used to mess me around a lot in terms of seeing him, and would change/ cancel arrangements at v short notice.

So where do I go wrong?

AND - taking it further, when chatting, thats when you can weed them out....

IF they want to take me out, ive said when im free, and they can work around that. I used to try to be flexiable, meeting halfway, just going for coffee, keeping things cheap and relaxed, trying to show i was relaxed and easy going. I do think ( that you poster than i pm'ed) that maybe i was doing myself a diservice by doing that.

I need to have worth/ value.

IF they want to take me out, they can work around me, they can damn well organise it and they can pay ( i have never let this happen before] and it can be somewhere nice.

stranger - i know. BUT, if you look at the list objectivley, without recoiling in horror as i did first... its pretty much normal stuff that comes with being in a relationship. Of course you would treat your boyfriend with respect - the flip side to that is you should be treated with respect yourself. That isnt written there, and i thought about adding it this morning, but thought no, ill just filter out from replies. if they dont treat me with respect, them im not going to go out with them.

and its as simple as that.

I might like to cook for them ( i like to cook for everyone) but equally, i like to be cooked for. Again, no need to write that, ill just filter from replies.

anyone that doesnt ask about 'me' wont get so much as a look in.

the profile is just a banner as it were, its not setting everything out at once. thats where the messages come in.

Did you stop reading? I said this has never been a problem. Are you projecting?

It's very simple. If you want to catch fish, you bait hooks with the food they like.

@watchforthesnail Could you maybe create a sort of anti 1950's profile in a top 10 list format as an experiment

Or, you could put 10 points underneath, called "the flipside" listing what you want/won't accept :)

TBH I didn't see your 10 points as "back to the 1950s", it seemed more like a list of what someone who actually liked their partner would do. I wouldn't put up with a grumpy man who always moaned, dressed like a slob, rolled their eyes when I spoke, showed no affection, wouldnt do the business and worst of all..... took me shopping

i dont think theres any need for a flip side. Its just making the whole thing longer. I dont need to make demands, its pretty much on my terms :)

if they dont treat me well, then im not going to on on a date with them. and its as simple as that. The ones that can up their game, put some damn effort in and be nice, they can take me out, the ' hey baby' ones can fuck off. Saves me a whole lot of time.

I think the wont compete is a big one for men. Often their ego gets bruised if the woman earns more than the man. There are not many who like that imo, not many at all.
And that may be part of the problem for the op.
She is not necessarily attracted to those men who earn more than her?

Well yes Watch. Like with the Rules it's what most people actually do. I just find it incredibly desperate to put it front and centre like that. It says nothing about who you are and smacks of people pleasing. I'm a big believer in show don't tell for that kind of stuff.

I am fucking delicious. And have no interest in or need for bottom feeders.

yellow - not speaking for velv, but i think, like me, she doesnt much care so long as hes nice, treats her well and isnt an arse.

I used to have a big long profile of all the things ive done. Women told me i needed to to look interesting. I talked about it on dates, trying to again, appear interesting. Turns out its massively intimidating and men dont really give a shit if you have lived all over the world, done x, and x and x. Now, while that says more about them that it does about me..... i dont need show off and display what ive done. I can tell them, but those things dont define me, they are just a list. I wasnt showing them me, i was just being scary.

im not sure it is desperate little - how many womens profiles say how hurt they have been and how they want this and that and the other. and other such shit? loads.

I think show and not tell too. Tried that for 4 years, didnt get anywhere. This is just an experiment, ive got nothing to lose. Im as surprised at the results as anyone, and if you read back i said i cant see it making much difference. except it has.

Oddly, the men who are responding are not bottom feeders, ive had replies off far more unsituable men when i had, what i thought was a better profile. Mostly im getting responses from slightly older ( late 30's early 40's) company directors/ managers/ successful men. Im going on a date monday lunchtime to the nicest place in town.

Couldnt be more shocked, and like i said, does go aganist everything i thought too.

Im not selling myself short im not saying im not fab, because i am. Its just setting it out in a different way. As an dating experiment, i think its interesting.

It's not so much that I'm not interested in men who earn more than me per se, more that I encounter very few of them; with the exception of the guy I dumped at the weekend I don't think I have ever had a date with one via OD, and probably haven't had many messages from them either.

It's impossible for me to say whether that's because in my area there are no high earning single men - or if those men have simply chosen not to contact me.

Ultimately though a man's job or earnings doesn't mean much to me. As watch says, how they treat me matters more. I wouldn't entertain a cocklodger, but I'd never rule someone out purely because they were a lower rate taxpayer. One of my exs earned half the amount I do. It never bothered me, although it did concern him.

Ah but you see Watch I would strongly discourage anyone from saying they've been hurt etc on a profile.

Anyway, I ought to do some work. I won't carry on out-earning my boyfriend if I get sacked. [Wink]

i would as well little, its like waving a big red flag around.

still..... people do it.

lots of people do it.

in the interests of updating - im being taken out to dinner friday evening, by the very nice company director. He lives 30 miles away, without hesitation he said he would come to me, i resisted the urge to tell him no, im happy to meet him halfway, or even go to his to make it easier for him ( like i would have done before, because i like to think im nice) he said he would love to take me out to dinner and i can pick where ever i like. So - i have.

So - i have dinner somewhere expensive friday, where the guy is doing all the running. and lunch monday, at the nicest place in town, where the guy is doing all the running.

very very interesting....

It is like Lazyjaney says, "If you want to catch fish, you bait hooks with the food they like".

Women dont seem to realise it, or dont want to do that. Fair enough. Up to them. But as I said before, I dont think many men have changed all that much. Women change, men dont much.

Me, I am a bit naturally 50's anyway, so no skin off my nose.

[and yes, I realise Lazyjaney, we have been on a thread together before, but I suspect that you and I would agree to leave that thread be.]

@yellow - no worries, I spent some years in Holland, their bluntness rubbed off on me, they are as blunt to friends as foes :)

its so odd, i would have argued till the cows come home. tbh im still shocked.

i think after a marriage break up, all my dating advice came from here, so it was all what women thought... and mn is quite feminist, and full of strong women, so it was all ' be interesting, be confident etc' not that these arent important things, they are. BUT - they arent the bait for fish.

lazy - that is possibly the best quote when it comes to dating ive ever heard.

I have also been treated like crap by pretty much every single date, ive been baffled and discusted and wondered why the hell it keeps happeing, but keeping on, because well, i know its not me...

but i wasnt playing the game right. The new profile gives nothing away, other than a peek at a future ( and a standard one at that) I can filter from there. It seems from the 100's of messages ive had than men what that, some of them have been begging ' tell me what i can do to get a date with you' they are literally willing to do anything. very odd. The ones i have replied to cant believe their luck and think im so kind of prize. IF they have asked me out ive said when im free up to them to be avaliable and to suggest something.

Maybe this will make the crap dates be less frequent and the being treated like crap stop, because im giving less of me away, for more effort from them. If that makes any sense.

Watch having not had an actual enjoyable date, or relationship out of this profile, or found out if it attracts the kind of men you like, or found out if you can continue to attract them after the first date etc etc, I think it might be too soon to evaluate the profile. It is just the opener in a very long game. Very few people struggle to get msgs or dates, plenty of people aren't treated like crap, the challenge is progressing with the kind of relationship they want.

i know, im just pondering out loud.

im not expecting anything to come of it....

its just its wildly different in all aspects. I didnt struggle to get dates or messages, but i didnt get the volume ive just had. and they werent the same kind of messages either. That is interesting in itself.

Lots of people are treated like crap with online dating, you only have to look at a few threads or even talk to anyone thats done it to know that.

Watch - is it a whole new profile? Not wanting to burst your bubble but new profiles do get a huge amount of interest.

I did the IE experiment (as you will remember) looking for a FWB. I was very honest in what I was looking for - someone I could meet on a monthly basis, for drinks and sex and conversation. I made it very clear that I wasn't looking for one night stands and that sex would only come about once we had got to know each other over a few weeks

I got hundreds and hundreds of messages. From those I had a handful of dates, some led to one night stands, others were just left at one date. In all of this, I found only one man that understood that a true FWB should have a friendship over and above the benefits. That a woman who is being treated with respect at all times is more likely to be sexually attracted to them and that the terms are mutual so if I was to ask if he was free - then that was fine

It was disappointing, so many men just looking for a shag, on their terms only, not wanting to meet again as a woman 'can't remove feelings and it wouldn't be fair'

The good part is my lovely HotBut was an amazing FWB for a year - who then sadly got a GF but still stayed in touch (and is now single again and we are trying to sort a date lol) So I do know there are great men out there but the odds are not in our favour

So, long winded way of saying don't get too excited by new profile :)

its not a new profile. same pics and everything, which is why im more shocked by it.

if it was brand new i would expect that reaction... but its not.

I did the IE thing too and had exactly the same experience you did, bar finding a decent one.

and how nice hotbut is single again :)

I don't know any lawyers who look or dress like me, though I'm sure there are some. I've never worked for one of the magic circle firms, I've always been able to dress pretty much how I wanted for work

Outside the magic circle firms or their pretenders, I've encountered quite a few colleagues who dress similarly. And certainly some of the attire in court would raise far more eyebrows than your profile attire!

But trying to analyse the point you make in your OP, I postulate that a lot of the decent guys are ones who do things in their spare time like hillwalking, cycling, whatever (and probably not internet dating as a time consuming hobby!) ie they fill their time not with shagging around and drinking and dating multiple women but with more traditional sort of hobbies, and perhaps those type of men couldn't see someone who spends a lot of time on their appearance doing those hobbies with them or being compatible with them.

That's a fair point. I'd find hillwalking or rambling deeply dull, and would rather boil my own eyeballs than participate. I'm sure there are lots of nice men who do those sorts of activities, but I wouldn't be their type or vice versa.

I do exercise, but I am not sporty, so that rules out any sort of sporting clubs etc, although I know they are very good places to meet people (I know of one couple who met via a running club, and several who met through diving).

I guess someone has to say this: what is your relationship with your parents like? These things can influence our relationships years later (also their relationship with each other).

Sadly my mum died when I was 21 and my dad when I was 25. I am an only child, so have no other immediate family (grandparents died when I was a child).

My mum was my best friend, I was the apple of my dad's eye. We were very close. I remember some teen angst over friends and crying to my mum who said 'don't worry, friends will come and go. But however old you are, whatever happens, you'll always have me and your dad. We'll always be there for you'.

They were the most amazing, impossibly glamorous unique people, brilliant parents and I adored them both. They always encouraged me to aim high, believe in myself and that nothing was beyond my reach.

Even many years later, I still miss them every day.

Scarlet flag