Every man I've ever been involved with has treated me like crap

[VelvetSpoon]

That's really not normal is it?

I have been 'dating' (ha fucking ha) for 4 years, encountered an endless string of fuckwits. The latest one has decided he is 'too busy' to see me, cancelled on me 3 times and forced me to dump him.

But I've realised it's not just all these OD losers, it's all the other relationships/ encounters/ whatever I've had in the years beforehand too. Every single one.

I'm trying to think of any of them that have actually treated me nicely...one ex helped me a lot with house stuff, but he refused to go to most social events with me, and in our 9 month relationship never stayed overnight at my house. So didn't exactly treat me that well. There was only 1 other, who was v considerate when I saw him but used to mess me around a lot in terms of seeing him, and would change/ cancel arrangements at v short notice.

So where do I go wrong?

[VelvetSpoon]

And it really is me.

Why would I put up a picture that wasn't me?!

[MadeMan]

People do it all the time on the internet. Like with online dating; loads of fake profile pics on those using models.

Oh and keep the dark curly hair.

[AndAnother]

I agree with ofmiceandmen.

Do you have 'boobs out' in your dating website pictures? I wonder if anyone on this thread thinks that may influence the type of man who approaches you?

[VelvetSpoon]

Oh, I know there are loads of fake photos on dating sites (google image search is your friend in that respect) but surely no-one would put a fake photo on their m.n profile! What would be the point?!

With regards to the photo, and what it does/doesnt show of cleavage (I have a large bust, I don't dress like a maiden aunt and as such some cleavage is inevitable), a while back I had a profile photo in a high necked, loose top, with absolutely no cleavage, hint of silhouette or whatever visible. Nothing that could possibly be construed as sexy. And I got many more pervy replies than with any other photos which showed more of my figure.

So I don't think it really makes any difference. And again, it's me, how I dress when I go out. Not some staged shot of me in my underwear (the boudoir photography craze has a lot to answer for...) which isn't something I'd ever want as a profile pic, though lots of women on dating sites do.

[LessMissAbs]

I get a completely different opinion of you from the way you write than from your photo. And you almost sound like you want to hide being a lawyer, or tell men it almost as an apology - be proud of it (I'm sure you are), if a man cannot accept that then he isn't the man for you (or many decent women...).

Is it possibly the case that some men are just not attracted to big hair, fake tan, false eyelashes and this group might contain a higher proportion of the decent, steadier, more reliable type?

I know several lawyers who have a similar style to yours. I often wonder if its partly a reaction against the laced up stereotype.

[watchforthesnail]

or it could be thats just how she likes to dress??

[watchforthesnail]

not everything had a deep seated reason.

[VelvetSpoon]

I don't know any lawyers who look or dress like me, though I'm sure there are some.

I've never worked for one of the magic circle firms, I've always been able to dress pretty much how I wanted for work, so it's not like my clothes/appearance are some reaction against being stuck in bland suits all week, they are just me.

And I've always been a little bit different - I'm not sure flamboyant is the right word, but for example when I was 15 and all my friends wanted to look like Kylie Minogue or Tiffany, or someone like that, I wanted to look like Cher in the Turn Back Time video.... :)

[Lazyjaney]

I'm not sure that last guy treated you like crap, running your own business is harder work than being employed and has huge peaks and troughs in time required.

[Lazyjaney]

As for Watch's 1950's profile, I have a list of 50 words that describe me on mine - 50! And the one word, in the whole profile that people pick up on is feminist - it is commented on every day. They ignore tactile, funny, friendly etc and zone in on feminist and never in a good way

Well, you could always, y'know, not put feminist on the site. It has a lot of negative connotations.

Are you on a dating site to meet men or tell them of your sociopolitical inclinations?

[TiredDog]

Snail. You're very protective of Velvet. You obviously have reasons knowing her in RL. I also think some earlier comments on this thread were outright rude and hurtful. I think in later posts people have tried to be helpful and proffer observations.

It does feel a bit as if you're very touchy to 'observations' and Velvet is less touchy. I think the point has been made that velvet can be who she likes, dress how she likes, look how she likes, earn what she can.... As garlic so eloquently put it...be herself. It maybe that finding the guy who matches is difficult. Altering an online profile to aid that search is not about changing who you are...it's about changing how you present. Very different

[TiredDog]

Online communication is tricky....none of that is 'said' or meant in a harmful manner :)

[ALittleStranger]

Err LazyJaney our sociopolitical inclinations are who we are. I wouldn't put a "feminist" banner blocking out my eyes but some of us don't feel the need to hide who we are love. And I've never found overt feminism a barrier to attracting the type of men I'm interested in.


If one "danger" word in 50 is too much for them then the poster is probably well clear!

[VelvetSpoon]

Janey I have friends and relatives who run their own businesses, some of whom work 7 days a week when business need dictates. I fully understand it is demanding.

The issue isn't that he cancelled. Things happen, I am an adult and I accept that. But rather than saying 'this weekend is a disaster workwise Velvet, I'm sorry. Let's do something next weekend instead' he postponed it til later in the weekend 3 times, before finally cancelling. That's messing me about and not treating me well. And if I'd let it go, who's to say the next weekend there wouldn't have been another crisis, and more cancelled dates.

[Lazyjaney]

I wouldn't put a "feminist" banner blocking out my eyes but some of us don't feel the need to hide who we are lov

Sure, but then don't moan that no one is interested in you.

[ALittleStranger]

Did you stop reading? I said this has never been a problem. Are you projecting?

[watchforthesnail]

dog - im not touchy to observations, im just sick and tired after so many dating threads, of the women being told its her fault because shes not wearing a polo neck. People come in all shapes and sizes, people who look all different ways have relationships.

Ive online dated as long as velevet, my experiences mirror hers. I had, what i thought, was very good profile, funny, self deprocating, showing me. Lots of MNetters had looked it over and declared it great.... BUT, this was flawed, it was written by a woman, and approved by women.

The 1950's profile, while making my heart sink, has got so much attention, so many 100's of new messages, most begging to take me out, most saying how i will be beating men off with it, and most saying how different it is to all other womens profiles. Now, really, men are thick, because, most of it is what you would get with a girlfriend. But maybe its set it out in a way that they see what they would be getting. and its that that makes them interested. They still get to see ' me' in the messages, when they ask what i like etc... i can bat the feminist word around and if they dont like it, then i just dont reply.

so - im thinking some hybrid of the 1950's profile might be the way to go.

[yellowballoons]

I now know who you are.
I was in your thread on a sunday afternoon about a year ago.
Eventually you showed your pictures, and it was established by others who know about online dating sites, that our pictures were a bit slutty looking[not meaning that you were slutty]
So you posted some new ones that were much better.
And I remember then that no, you did not look like a typical lawyer[not that I know what a typical one looks like exactly]
Sorry to hear that you are still having problems.

I think it was established then, if I remember correctly, that because you come from a working class background, but work in the corporate world, that boyfriends didnt quite know what to make of you?

I think in life, that sort of thing is always a problem.

That in some ways you are neither one nor the other. Not your fault at all.

And I realise that me posting that, doesnt really help at all.

fwiw, I think you somehow[dont ask me how], need to find people like yourself. Women too. Because they may have a social circle that suits you more.

[yellowballoons]

should be your not our

[yellowballoons]

Oh, and you look quite pretty.

[MadeMan]

@watchforthesnail Could you maybe create a sort of anti 1950's profile in a top 10 list format as an experiment?

I'm wondering whether the men are more receptive to key points listed clearly, instead of a big load of prose. Maybe the list format is easier for us to digest.

Just a thought.

[yellowballoons]

The 1950's never went away for a lot of men.I dont think many women realise this. I dont actually think the 50's ever will imo. That is what a lot of men are like, and maybe always will be.

[yellowballoons]

Not so sure about no 3 and no 10 on the list.
Could add at least another one.
no 11 I will cook your meals on time. They may not always be great but they will not usually be late, and they will be hot and they will be filling. And definitely not salad or quiche!
no 12 I will do a lot of the housework while you earn more of the dosh than me.

[watchforthesnail]

maybe the list format is. or maybe its because they can see what they are going to get IF i end up as their gf. Most of it is agiven actually.... so i still think they are dense not to have worked that out. BUT - maybe its giving them something,, so they can see if they put work in what exactly the gain is.

I went to change it this morning, and actually, all ive changed is the ' you wont ever hear im not in the mood' to ' im fab in the kitchen and will enjoy cooking for you' because, its true :)

the others, while yesterday made me feel a bit pukey, are true, yes, i wont roll my eyes because i will respect him, but equally, i expect to be treated in the same manner, and should i not be, then im not going to date/ be with them. Im not going to make him carry bags at the shops, becuse i loate shopping. I am going to want him to think about my views on things. I do wear nice pants :) Its not that bad.

but im not doing housework for anyone :)

[ALittleStranger]

I think what I find most depressing about the list is it isn't 1950s, it's an update for a post-ladette Stepford Wife. Some things change, others stay the same.