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Relationships

Every man I've ever been involved with has treated me like crap

182 replies

VelvetSpoon · 01/09/2013 21:49

That's really not normal is it?

I have been 'dating' (ha fucking ha) for 4 years, encountered an endless string of fuckwits. The latest one has decided he is 'too busy' to see me, cancelled on me 3 times and forced me to dump him.

But I've realised it's not just all these OD losers, it's all the other relationships/ encounters/ whatever I've had in the years beforehand too. Every single one.

I'm trying to think of any of them that have actually treated me nicely...one ex helped me a lot with house stuff, but he refused to go to most social events with me, and in our 9 month relationship never stayed overnight at my house. So didn't exactly treat me that well. There was only 1 other, who was v considerate when I saw him but used to mess me around a lot in terms of seeing him, and would change/ cancel arrangements at v short notice.

So where do I go wrong?

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watchforthesnail · 02/09/2013 19:29

I have been wasting time this afternoon ( day off work, hormonal and avoiding housework) and came across this dating blog thingy. The following is a profile, that was written by a bunch of men, about what they want to see on a profile, about how they dont give a shit if you run, or waterski, they just want to know that you arent going to nag them about watching football or going down the pub. Apparently the profile is sucessful. it attracts the masculine and then you just weed out and filter from there. personally i think its a ton of shit. BUT i also know that whats written in the dating profile mainly makes no difference at all as its all abou the pictures. So - as a matter of experiment, since im not dating this month, ive changed it to read as follows ( because, whats the worst that can happen)

  • top 10 reasons why i would be the best girlfriend
  1. You will see me wearing sexy lingerie more than ?comfortable? undies.

  1. You won?t hear me nag and complain because I don?t sweat the small stuff.


  1. You will be proud to have me on your arm when we go out in public and your friends will probably be envious.


  1. You will never, ever compete with me.


  1. You will be nicely surprised when I kiss you passionately at unexpected times and in unexpected places.


  1. You will never see me roll my eyes at you when you say something because I will respect you.


  1. You will see my smile far more often than my frown.


  1. You will find yourself thinking seriously about my observations on life and current events.


  1. You won?t be holding my bag at the shops. You won?t even BE at the shops with me.


  1. You rarely, if ever, hear these awful words: ?I?m not in the mood?.


im a bit of a feminist, this pains me. But im also curious to see if the outcome is any different, i tihnk it will only attract dicks.....
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ALittleStranger · 02/09/2013 19:39

I would be a little bit sick in my mouth if I wrote any of that on a profile.

Even though a lot of it is true, what kind of knobber what put it on a dating profile? It just looks so obvious, it's the female equivilant of those men who post endless pics of themselves with children in order to scream "shag me, father figure".

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watchforthesnail · 02/09/2013 19:43

indeed.
it goes against all my principals. I felt indignant and an anger when i read it....

I dont intend to do anything with it, other that just see what happens. I am not dating this month, or at least into october.

However, in the time it took me to post that message and go back in again, i had 17 new messages... all saying how much they loved that profile and when could they take me out. Which makes me feel a bit more sick that it did just posting it.

the 1950's are alive and kicking it seems.....

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watchforthesnail · 02/09/2013 19:55

and worse is they are all saying how lucky any man would be to take me out and how i will be beating them off with a stick.

sickeningly, they are right as ive had another 8 messages in this time.

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watchforthesnail · 02/09/2013 20:34

30 mins on and my inbox is heaving. Literally. about 60 messages, most utterly shocked when i reply, and i quote ' i cant believe you have replied'

Ive had offers of dinners out and weekends away.

fools.

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MadeMan · 02/09/2013 20:57

Is that really your photo in your profile Velvet?

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MsCellophane · 02/09/2013 21:12

Velvet, you have (like a few of us) had rubbish luck with dating. It isn't you or any 'vibe' you give off. It is hard out there. The pool of nice, normal men is tiny. It really is down to luck most of the time for most and for some, it's down to accepting bad, rude or impolite behaviour

I have a friend who has had relationship after relationship - she hasn't been single in 10 years. Each man she meets is the one, each man she meets has obvious flaws (to her friends, most of these men the average woman just wouldn't go out with, that's not being mean, they were unattractive or unkempt or down right dicks) But she cannot be single, ever rather than try to wait and meet a good one, she jumps on the first person that show an interest - and we are left to pick up the pieces

I like to think you (and me) aren't willing to settle. I sometimes think my being single for a long time and the enforced independence that has brought is a little offputting but I won't be changing or dumbing down. And you shouldn't either.

As for Watch's 1950's profile, I have a list of 50 words that describe me on mine - 50! And the one word, in the whole profile that people pick up on is feminist - it is commented on every day. They ignore tactile, funny, friendly etc and zone in on feminist and never in a good way

Sadly, it seems many men still want the goddess in the kitchen and the wild woman in the bedroom. Even more sadly, they don't see that a feminist can do both, just on her terms :)

There is someone out there for you, it's just disheartening doing the dating thing, it really is x

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watchforthesnail · 02/09/2013 21:16

applaudes mrsC

couldnt agree more.

Im rather disappointed that the 1950's profile has worked to such ridiculous levels.

Not one that has messaged me is interested in me as a person, not at all. Its very sad to think there are so many men that still think that way, but maybe goes some way to explain how dire the dating pool is when you get out of your 20's.

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VelvetSpoon · 02/09/2013 21:21

made yes it is me, why do you ask?

msc I also have friends like that, they are never single (which to them is good) but they do put up with far worse behaviour from their men than I could ever tolerate.

It scares me how, beneath the surface, 1950s attitudes are still espoused by many men (and women), hence how popular the 1950s type profile is...

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MadeMan · 02/09/2013 21:30

@Velvet I imagined you'd be blonde.

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MsCellophane · 02/09/2013 21:38


A song to cheer us up!
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TiredDog · 02/09/2013 21:41

Hi Velvet

I agree totally with garlic's advice about being who you are and not trying to be the person someone else wants you to be. Which makes me hesitate to say change anything about yourself ...but your picture confused me

Your picture is nothing like I'd expect from your posts. I'm interested that another poster thought you'd be blonde. I thought you would be sleek and smart looking and your picture does not shriek sleek or smart at me. However it's you :) and that makes it something you should hold dear and not change...I just wonder if it needs balancing with a deeper version of you? I agree with miceandmen that it says 'fun girl' rather than 'respect me'

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TiredDog · 02/09/2013 21:41

I still maintain the man pool is shallow at my age...

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TiredDog · 02/09/2013 21:42

Do you know how many single men I cam across in my life last week.....

Zero

Big fat zero

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watchforthesnail · 02/09/2013 21:51

thing is, why should a deeper version need to be displayed?
its very much kind of pigeon holeing people and saying they arent allowed to be one thing as well as this other thing.
which is crazy, people do not fit into one box and one box only.

people should be respected whatever they wear, and really its the fault of the idiot who goes around judging based on hair colour......

also, bearing in mind, on here, you are only seeing what velv ( or indeed) anyone chooses to post, it is not an overview of them as a whole and therefore, a picture might not show the 'them' from this thread, but might if it had been on another thread.

tired - nope, me neither. it just doesnt happen very often.

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MsCellophane · 02/09/2013 22:01

How can you take a picture that shows a deeper side??? Am truly puzzled

Velvet is hair and eyelashes, that is the look she chooses and likes and suits her - our looks don't define us

I look grumpy much of the time - most of the time I am not. I also look very sensible, mumsy and stern (spectacles) - when I can be very unsensible, am not very maternal and couldn't be proper stern if I tried.

It's ridiculous - she's an attractive and successful woman, regardless of how she chooses to wear her hair or make up and it certainly doesn't mean she deserves less than a decent, kind man who will treat her with respect. Or that changing her look will lead to a different type of man

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TiredDog · 02/09/2013 22:03

I don't think a deeper version should be displayed for any reason other than it shows other facets of Velvet?

It might screen out the sort of bloke who only wants that one facet.

Totally agree that this thread/pic are just a snapshot. Problem is that you waste time and energy on a judgement made on a snapshot when dating. It might help velvet to weed out the time wasting demoralising guys

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TiredDog · 02/09/2013 22:06

I wasn't suggesting a deeper picture I was suggesting the write up giving a balance to a picture which seems fun loving ...to allude to the intelligent professional that she is.

I am certainly not suggesting changing her appearance...or herself. I'm also aware that she possibly does all of this anyway.

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MadeMan · 02/09/2013 22:07

I assumed Velvet would be blonde (or highlighted) because that seems to be the default 'professional' look for women. Like the newsreader presenters.

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watchforthesnail · 02/09/2013 22:10

mademan Hmm

ive got a lunch date on monday at the nicest place in town. Ive not told him my name... ive said ill tell him monday IF he asks nicely.
Ridiculous. Literally.

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TiredDog · 02/09/2013 22:11

Eh?
Newsreaders are not an accurate example of a typical professional woman

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MadeMan · 02/09/2013 22:18

Anyway, it's a nice pic Velvet if that is really you.

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watchforthesnail · 02/09/2013 22:19

made - its her. Im friends with her off board.
im not quite sure what you are implying, but its a bit odd.

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MadeMan · 02/09/2013 22:21

Not implying anything.

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VelvetSpoon · 02/09/2013 22:23

I agree the stereotypical lawyer probably does have blonde highlights. I have worked with many in the past. A blonde-ish short bob is default 'business' style for a lot of 40 plus professional women.

It never has been for me. I've always had long, curly, dark hair. I'm aware - and acknowledged upthread - I don't look like the stereotypical lawyer.

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