Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you lost your virginity before the age of 16..............

185 replies

THERhubarb · 14/05/2013 13:25

Can I just ask, was it something you did willingly? Was your partner older than you or the same age and do you regret it now?

I guess this is leading on from the other thread about when people lost their virginity.

My dd is 12, nearly 13 and according to that thread, some posters were having sex at 13. I know this happens today too but I just wondered at the circumstances really.

OP posts:
Wishwehadgoneabroad · 14/05/2013 13:33

At 13 I wasn't given the option of losing my virginity!

Only went to parties with other girls..

Played badminton as a hobby, but again, parents knew where I was, who I was with etc...

Got dropped off and picked up

Wasn't hanging around with older kids who could drive..

I'm guessing that's really what you're asking/worrying about. I'm guessing (my friend lost hers at 13) that most people who lose it that young have a lot more freedom at that age than I did (and maybe their parents didn't know where they were!!)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2013 13:33

Legally, of course, we've decided as a society that children below age 16 can't engage in sex willingly. We've determined that they are unable to give consent and, whilst some think that a 14yo and a 15yo is OK, above-board and voluntary but a 15yo and a 21yo isn't OK, I think both scenarios actually are the result of pressure and coercion rather than free-will.

FlightyAphrodite · 14/05/2013 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FernandoIsFaster · 14/05/2013 13:37

I had first had sex at 15 with a boy I was with for a year, he was a year older, and I have never regretted it. I felt totally ready, thought a lot about it, arranged precautions in advance and enjoyed the whole experience.

Original poster
THERhubarb · 14/05/2013 13:38

I am not asking to justify any illusions I might have of my own. I am asking just to find out.

13 does seem awfully young to be having sex. My 12yo dd hasn't started her periods yet and still sleeps with her teddies, yet many of her friends are dating.

Cognito, everyone matures at different rates so whilst one 14yo might be more than capable of giving consent, another might not. Laws might not be fair individually but they work to protect the whole.

I am genuinely interested in hearing from people as to what their circumstances were. I don't want to judge or make out that this could never happen to my dd. It's just pure interest.

OP posts:
Original poster
THERhubarb · 14/05/2013 13:39

Thanks Fernando and Flighty.

OP posts:
SPsCliffingAllOverMN · 14/05/2013 13:39

I was 15 and i wasn't ready but he took it anyway. He was 21

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 14/05/2013 13:40

I was 15 and my partner was 25.

My mother encouraged the relationship on her terms because, well, no polite way to put it but she gained from it. It was of direct advantage to her in many ways (money, access to cheap/free drugs etc)

I was willing. But in hindsight I was coerced into it and not at all ready for that kind of relationship

Consequently, I am probably going to be a nightmare parent for poor DD. She is 12 and we have talked about appropriate relationships for her age etc.

I think the most important thing I can teach her is that she isn't defined by her sexual status and being a virgin is a sign of her being mature and sensible as far as I'm concerned.

CuntChops · 14/05/2013 13:40

I was 16, and still wasn't ready :(

tabulahrasa · 14/05/2013 13:40

I was 15, he was 28, it was willingly and while I don't think it occurred to him that I wasn't 16 yet, he knew I was still at school.

Yep I regret it - it was rubbish for starters, lol and he was a twunt.

CuntChops · 14/05/2013 13:42

I was willing though, don't get me wrong, I had just drank too much cider, and wanted to 'get it out of the way' since all my friends were sexually active.

Felt awful the next day, and couldn't look at the boy again. Blush

ArabellaBeaumaris · 14/05/2013 13:43

I was 14, he was 13, it was willingly. No, I don't regret it. Don't think it has made any difference to my life. I didn't have sex again till I was 17 & had another boyfriend.

worldgonecrazy · 14/05/2013 13:45

I was 15, he was 19, and I was the one who made the decision. My only regret was that there was never any possibility of a long term relationship, but he still holds a very special place in my heart. He was an amazing person, kind, sweet and, physically, an absolute Adonis, and I remember the event and him with fondness. From conversations with friends, I gather such brilliant, enjoyable, sensual and orgasmic(!) first times are a rarity, so I think I made a good choice.

Original poster
THERhubarb · 14/05/2013 13:47

Blimey, a lot of different scenarios! It really isn't a case of young girls being coerced all the time then is it?

It's so difficult when everyone matures at different rates. I remember the furore that surrounded John Peel when it came out that he had sex with an underage girl but then she went public and gave an interview in which she stated that she had been more than willing and never regretted it.

It's difficult to know where to stand.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2013 13:48

"Cognito, everyone matures at different rates so whilst one 14yo might be more than capable of giving consent, another might not. "

That's what every paedophile tells the judge.... sad but true.

SofaKing · 14/05/2013 13:50

Dh was 13, was with a 15 yr old girl at a party.

He said she initiated things and he wasn't ready and had been drinking, he regretted it later and didn't do anything else for a year until he had a proper girlfriend.

I only have his word for it, but none of our DC are going to unsupervised parties at 13!

Flicktheswitch · 14/05/2013 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MimsyBorogroves · 14/05/2013 13:51

I was 15.

At the time I suppose I was "willing" - as I gave consent - but it was after weeks of being emotionally blackmailed and having the boundaries I put in place physically tested.

Original poster
THERhubarb · 14/05/2013 13:54

Cognito - please do not do that. I find that hurtful. This thread demonstrates that some underage girls did give their consent and at the mature ages they are now, they do not regret it. This is not a green light for every paedo to target young girls. Should we sweep the truth under the carpet for fear of encouraging paedos?

You could easily say that some women consent to sex and some don't. That is not what every rapist tells a judge and you know it. No means no and if you have to persuade someone who is younger than you to have sex with you, that is coercion and NOT the same as consent.

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 14/05/2013 13:56

cogito It's true though isn't it? There isn't some magical realisation on your 16th birthday that suddenly makes you ready/able to consent when you couldn't the day before!

I think maturity comes with education in a lot of ways so a 15 year old can be just as mature as a 16 year old in the same class/year group. They'll have started school at the same time, gone to secondary at the same time, be leaving school at the same time, sitting exams at the same time etc. It follows that they will be ready/able to consent at the same time even though one could be 364 days older than the other.

tabulahrasa · 14/05/2013 13:58

Hmm - I wasn't coerced at all, but with another year or so under my belt I might have felt very differently about a 28 yr old wanting to have sex with a school girl and I'd definitely have been more equipped to tell that he was a twunt than I was at 15...so was it really informed consent? The further under 16 it is the harder it is for someone to have the judgement to really give consent. Which is surely why it's not a younger age.

I don't think he was a pedophile or a criminal, but in a way he did take advantage of my own bad judgement.

TheRealFellatio · 14/05/2013 13:59

I lost my virginity at 14. It was completely consensual, we planned it in advance, bought condoms and it was lovely.

TheRealFellatio · 14/05/2013 14:00

And he was 15 and in the year above me at school.

OhLori · 14/05/2013 14:02

Why do you want to know, OP?

Wishwehadgoneabroad · 14/05/2013 14:02

I'm genuinely curious about this..

Those of you who were say 13, 14, 15..

Would you feel happy for your 13, 14, 15 year old to be having sex?

And would you honestly think that they were capable of making a mature, planned decision at that age?

I thought I knew everything at 15. I know now I was a child.