If you lost your virginity before the age of 16..............

[THERhubarb]

Can I just ask, was it something you did willingly? Was your partner older than you or the same age and do you regret it now?

I guess this is leading on from the other thread about when people lost their virginity.

My dd is 12, nearly 13 and according to that thread, some posters were having sex at 13. I know this happens today too but I just wondered at the circumstances really.

[ByTheSea]

I was 14, I was 'in love' and he was 17. It was consensual and planned.

[ByTheSea]

Oh and no regrets even though he turned out to be a twat. I was dying of curiosity anyway.

[FoundAChopinLizt]

Just to say how angry I am for all those posters on here who were abused as children.

[Jidget]

We've determined that they are unable to give consent and, whilst some think that a 14yo and a 15yo is OK, above-board and voluntary but a 15yo and a 21yo isn't OK, I think both scenarios actually are the result of pressure and coercion rather than free-will.

Yes Cogito, yes. I was 15, he was 16. I thought I was consenting, willing and "in love".

In truth and with hindsight, I can see that he pestered, persuaded, nagged and manipulated me into having sex with him.

He was a controlling abuser who set the pattern for my later relationships.

[secretcowgirl]

I was 15 and it was with my first love who was 18. It was my decision and it was planned, safe and an expression of incredible love for both of us. He died two years later in an accident. I have no regrets that we seized the moment and allowed ourselves to be everything to each other. Nothing has ever matched it and I am 46 now.

[knackeredmother]

I was 14, boyfriend of 1 year was 17. Totally consensual and I didn't have sex with other partners after that until I was 17. Only ever had 5 sexual partners. I was the first of my friends.

[jayho]

secret I know..... We were both 15, been boyfriend/girlfriend since we were 13, planned, safe etc. He died in a car crash when I was 16. I'm 50 this year, (TMI) but I can still feel it....

[nomoreminibreaks]

I was 14 and my boyfriend was 15. It was consensual and we were together for 3 years (had been close friends for 2 years before getting together). We did most things for the first time together. I went on the pill and my mum found out and was heartbroken. I understood then and still understand why.

I would be worried if I had a daughter that age in that situation as not everyone is as lucky as me. My mum did tell me that she was 15 when she lost her virginity to my dad and 45 years later they're still together. I'd like to think that I'd remember that a 14 year old girl (or some 14 year old girls) is capable of making a mature and responsible decision. Obviously where there is pressure from someone else to have sex that's different but I have no experience of that.

[secretcowgirl]

jayho don't want to hijack thread but have never come across anyone else who has been through that. It never leaves you does it? Am emotional tonight as coming to the end of yet another unsuccessful relationship... can't help but wonder. Love and understanding to you.

[Whatalotofpiffle]

I lost my virginity at 13 and was curious much younger. I did it willingly but realised quite quickly that I had been too young

[OnTheNingNangNong]

I was 13, I was completely willing, he was a lot older. I lied about my age. I do regret it now, but I learnt a great deal.

[skyebluesapphire]

I was almost 15, he was just 21. We had been seeing each other for around 6 months, so I thought I was in love. Realised a couple of months later that I wasn't and ended it. Grew up in a rural area where youngsters of all ages hung out together as there was nothing else to do, so it wasn't unusual for the 14 year old girls and 20 year old lads to hang out together, plus they had cars and used to take us out to the beach and the cinema etc.

I wish that I had waited until I was a bit older though. Some of my friends had done it by 15 some hadn't. If you were found out at school to have "done it" then you were a "slag". If you were a virgin, the boys called you "frigid".

I want my DD5yo to grow up with more respect for herself and to not just do it because her friends are. Don't do it with the first boy you meet.

[ImperialBlether]

I became best friends with a girl when I was about 13. She'd lost her virginity to her 15 year old boyfriend (at the time) when she was 11, in the summer before starting senior school. Her birthday is in February so she'd be not even 11 and a half.

I think she wanted to do it - in fact I'd say she definitely did and was the driver behind it. She always wanted to be older. However, in her late teens she became anorexic and that has stayed with her for decades. I'm not in touch with her now but I do wonder how much those events are linked.

[Anna1976]

Madbuslady "If you can set boundaries, recognize bad behaviour and be clear that your wishes deserve respect, then you can probably have an enjoyable, respectful first experience with a decent person, whether that's at 14 or 20. If you don't understand how to do that stuff, no amount of "waiting" alone is going to teach you it."

Yes - totally. Planned, protected, exciting, in a stable relationship that is not abusive - that's fine. As a way of obtaining social status or self-worth? Bad idea.

My sister was 13 , her first encounter was with someone not much older. She had been totally brainwashed to think that beauty and success with men was how she would be a success in life. She had a lot of short-term relationships (usually several at once) and one-night stands all through her teens, that she wasn't ready for, but clearly felt that she needed to do it for social status. Total number of partners would be somewhere near 100... total number of partners who cared about her as a person, probably 3?
She is now very much defined by what others think of her appearance, and very unhappy, because at 40+ when you're married, the only people getting attention for appearance are your children... or you if you're being ogled by other people's unattractively attentive husbands.

[Anna1976]

(sorry - that last bit about attention for those over 40 was probably too harsh and cynical - I shouldn't have generalized)

I was 16, very willing, but looking back, I was very, very young, obviously completely ignorant of how to run a relationship, obviously completely ignorant of boundaries, and was self-defining by my desirability to a self-indulgent, immature, emotionally incontinent 36 year old who should have known better. For a long time I fet grown-up about that relatinoship - now i look back and think it was utterly inappropriate.

[Casperthefriendlyspook]

I was almost 16, with my boyfriend of almost a year, who was 18. I completely loved him at the time.... The experience itself wasn't particularly enjoyable, but that was because neither of us had much idea of what we were doing! I wasn't co-erced at all. It did get better tho! We were together another year, and I then didn't have sex with anyone else until I was 19. So no real indicator of early virginity loss leading to promiscuity in my case.

[curryeater]

I don't see why the law should change just because there are some positive experiences under 16.
If a couple of two 15 year olds, loving and mature, have consensual sex, the law is not going to get involved.
If they were thinking about having sex but don't because of the law - who cares? What harm done?
If a 36 year old man is stopped from taking advantage of a 15 year old girl because of the law, then good.

[LEMisdisappointed]

14, he was 24, consensual but i regret it. I had my first sexual experience when i was 12, he was 32 again, willing but i really didn't know what i was doing.

[DiscontinuedModelHusband]

May i add a male's perspective here (though i expect to be shouted down somewhat)?

The doubt and uncertainty around the readiness to have sex isn't solely the preserve of the female.

In my case, from 14-17 I had 2 successive long-term (for that age) girlfriends. it was generally me who made the decision to stop at fumbling!

This was partly because i never had a clear sense of what either girl wanted (despite asking), and because i wasn't sure i wanted my first time to be on the bathroom floor of a houseparty, or a friend's little sister's bed (with assorted Care Bears staring at me), for example!

I appreciate that there are some unscrupulous types (of both genders) that take advantage of that uncertainty, but would suspect that there are more men than you'd think that felt the same way i did.

For the record, both girls had sex almost immediately with their next boyfriends - not sure whether that says more about me or them!

I was 17 when i lost my virginity, 1 night stand on a holiday. I didn't enjoy it (not least because it was disastrous, but that's another story), and wish i'd waited.

[THERhubarb]

DiscontinuedModelHusband, if you read the whole thread you will note that there are a few posters who say they had sex with younger boys and that they even took the initiative.

Generally speaking I think it is easier for older men (or boys) to take advantage of younger girls because girls have this tendency to look up to older men. Goodness knows what this says about society.

Yes there are some boys who are taken advantage of too and I agree that boys are put under just as much pressure to have sex as girls are. I can't speak from experience obviously, but from what dh tells me, the pressure was equal on both boys and girls to lose their virginity.

Funny how there are quite a few Hollywood movies based around boys losing their virginity but not that many around girls losing theirs.

[LEMisdisappointed]

I wont shout you down discontinuedmodel.I think that was a very sensible post - although i did get an image of the inbetweeners in my head as you described your experiences

I think its about common sense isn't it. Two young people = fine (on the whole) Older man (or woman for that matter) = not fine, not fine at all!

The problem is, where do you draw the line - two 15 year olds could be a healthy experience for both, but there is still the possibility for a more experienced 15yo lad to pressurise a 15yo girl into doing something she is not ready for, especially with all the porn etc that these kids have access too. For that reason, i don't think the law should change, i just think there needs to be a common sense approach about applying it.

My DD was sexually active at 15, her BF was 17, there was an issue that arose between them (not sexual) that meant i didn't want my DD to be involved with him. I COULD if i wanted to, have made a complaint about him because she was under age but that would have been out of spite and very wrong. As it happened, i waited for them to get bored with each other - she dumped him

[LEMisdisappointed]

TheRhubarb - that is an interesting point you make there about the younger boys. I think there is truth in what you say about looking up to older men. Absolutely. However, i feel that girls seem to mature, physically if not emotionally, before boys and that a 13/14 year old boy is more likely to want to play top trumps than top humps. My DP is 8 years older than me, we met when i was 21. We have had the conversation about, "would you have gone out with me when you were 21 and i was 14?" he said absolutely not, why would a 21 year old man be interested in a 14 yo girl. Then the "but what if you were the same age as me!" he said he would have been out making go carts with his mates and still thought girls were smelly!

[OneFingerSjupesUpTheYoni]

I was 13, he was 21 and beautiful. It was a ONS on holiday and he thought i was 18. I enjoyed it but whilst i was physically developed and mentally aware the 'ins and outs' of sex so to speak were confusing i.e seeing an erect penis go flaccid was bloidy weird!

I blame my mum for my having sex early - she had lots of random partners, porn, magazines with sex position of the week plus chat/take a break with stories about threesomes and rape and what have you so i knew about sex a lot earlier than necessary.

*none of mums partners tried it on, just mean that i saw men coming and going a lot.

[THERhubarb]

Yet LEM if you go through this thread there are a few examples of posters who, whilst still very young themselves, did have sex with younger boys. There was one poster who was 14 and he was 13. Another poster says her dh was 13 and the girl was 15 and he claimed that he wasn't ready but was coerced into it by the girl. Another was 16 whilst he was 15.

The majority of women posting on this thread were much younger than the boys they had sex with however, some of them MUCH younger and I feel that is more the norm, yet that doesn't mean we can't look at the minority who were older than the boys they had sex with. That's without going into the posters who said they initiated it with their boyfriends.

I guess it's just not always black and white. Not every girl is coerced, not every boy takes advantage.

What is scary though are the sheer amount of posts who do say that they were pressurised into it by older boys. That is scary and I don't think that situation has changed through the years at all.

[RafaellaNhaKyria]

I was 23. I just hadn't until then. I'm divorced now, and feel a little differently about sex. I'm not so precious anymore..if I want to, I will.