If you lost your virginity before the age of 16..............

[THERhubarb]

Can I just ask, was it something you did willingly? Was your partner older than you or the same age and do you regret it now?

I guess this is leading on from the other thread about when people lost their virginity.

My dd is 12, nearly 13 and according to that thread, some posters were having sex at 13. I know this happens today too but I just wondered at the circumstances really.

[THERhubarb]

deemented, I'm so sorry you had such awful experiences. You and your dp by the sounds of it. Boys can be exploited too and not just by men but by girls and women. It's rare but it happens and happened to my dh too. Not when he was very young but when he was mentally unstable.

I also think that 13 is too young and I do worry about the focus on sex in this society. It's all over the media and if you watch any music video it's all about how women have to show off every inch of their bodies whilst dancing provocatively whilst male singers are usually the dominant ones in their videos, surrounding themselves with writhing young women whilst they flash cash at them.

I wonder what percentage of our sexual behaviour is natural and what is learnt from this kind of culture? If society was different and there wasn't the focus on sex as there is now, would we be so willing to have sex so early? Or would we feel empowered enough to be able to wait?

[Lucylloyd13]

Virginity, and sex , for teenage girls IS important, particularly that it is consensual.

Equally we all know that sex is only a part of relationships, and sometimes sex is sex, no more, no less, no big deal.

Whilst acknowedging the need for safety and responsibility, sometimes sex assumes a disproportionate significance in the minds of some.

[Shesparkles]

I was 15, he was 16, it was mutually agreed and mutually not regretted. We were both virgins until that point.

[PoppyAmex]

I worry about the thought process "my 12/13 old might be having sex anyway, so I might as well make sure she's safe whilst doing it".

I feel that even acknowledging the possibility of a 12/13 year old might have sex, is somehow sending a permissive message and normalising a behaviour that, in my opinion (and our judicial system) is wrong.

[Wishwehadgoneabroad]

Lucy Sex is for adults though, not children

I honestly don't believe we should ever encourage/condone 13 yr old children having sex.

Aside from anything else, the risk of STD's doing damage is higher the earlier a girl starts her sex life. Smears are not offered until the age of 25. If a girl starts having sex at 13, that's 12 years before her health is monitored!!!!

( I do feel 25 is far too late though. It was 21 in my day, which given I was 19 meant I'd only possibly done 2 yrs of damage before I was looked at!)

This isn't just a sex issue. It's a health issue - surely?

[LoveItLongTime]

14. Not consensual. I was drugged. :(
    
    DH was 13. With his 15 year old babysitter.

[THERhubarb]

Being a virgin is now looked on as more taboo than being sexually active.

When I was 18 it was almost shameful to reveal that you were still a virgin and by the time I reached 20 most of my friends just presumed that I had had sex. I remember the shock of one male friend when I revealed that I hadn't.

It's almost a reversal of society isn't it?

It shouldn't be shameful to be a virgin and I wonder how many girls (and boys) have sex just to rid themselves off what is viewed as a curse. I mean seriously, how many of you would react with pity if one of your close friends revealed they were still a virgin in their mid-twenties?

I don't want my kids to be ashamed of being virgins but neither do I want them to be coerced into having sex too soon at whatever age. I get the impression though that their peers and society will have far more influence on them than I can ever have.

[FortyFacedFuckers]

I was 13 and he was 16 and yes it was a decision we both made although I don't regret losing my virginity so young I do regret who it was with. A few months after losing my virginity I went on to meet a lovely guy who I had a 3 year relationship with, I wish I had waited a few extra months so that it could have been with him.

[CockyFox]

I was 15 he was 23. I was willing, we were engaged but I don't think he ever really intended to marry me but I wouldn't have sex unless he promised to and even then it was months and purchases of household items before I believed him. I am ashamed I have been with more than one person. I don't feel he forced me at all though, I just have outdated morals.
I met DH when I was 15 (a friend of the ex). We got together months after I split with the ex,age 17 I wasn't getting bitten twice and although we did lots of other things we didn't have penetrative sex until we were married, which was after 10 months.

[Timetoask]

13 is way too young, you were a child!
The age is 16 for a reason I think.

[turkeyboots]

Two of my friends lost their virginity to random one night stands at uni as they were embarrassed by it. Took them a long time to actually enjoy it with a real partner later in life.

Peer pressure plays an enormous role I think. But parents supporting healthly relationships helps, god alone knows how you do that though. Can't figure out what it was mine did beyond modelling good behavior (mostly) and have a healthly sex life to my mortification

[Playerpleeease]

We were both 15, been together about a year before hand. Never regretted it, glad I had the experience with someone who was and still is a genuinely nice guy.

[LtEveDallas]

14, consensual, with my long term boyfriend who was a year older than me. There was no pressure from him, but some on him from an older friend/employer.

I stayed with him for another year or so. We were both inexperienced and learning together. I have no regrets.

However.

I do think that losing my virginity that early changed my attitude to sex, and not for the better.

Whereas it took me over a year to say yes the first time (or rather to choose to do so, as he wasn't pushing me to do it), from then on, after I'd split up with that boyfriend, it seemed a waste of time to say no to anyone else. I didn't see the point in going back to holding hands and kissing, when I'd gone 'all the way' before.

I didn't think I could say no, not when I'd said yes before. I can see my teenage logic, but I wish I could go back to myself then and point out that it didn't have to be that way - I think I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak - especially when I didn't really enjoy it in any case.

[wannaBe]

agreed rhubarb - being a virgin shouldn't be something that is considered abnormal - especially at thirteen!

I didn't lose my virginity until I was nearly 22, I grew up I a country where it was very much frowned upon to be having sex too young, but actually, while that idea could be considered as too conservative it was taught to us on the basis that sex should be had within the confines of a stable loving relationship. At thirteen kids think they have it all and know it all. They fall in love and can't believe it won't be for ever, and so they often give of themselves more willingly than if they knew the reality that it was unlikely to last at that age, not least because relationships are often still fluid then.

I certainly don't think that most girls are coersed at that age necessarily, but I imagine that there are plenty who, if they could turn back time, might still do things differently on the basis they would rather it had been with someone else/in different circumstances iyswim.

I think we've gone too far in terms of that sex is almost encouraged now and even teenage pregnancy has no stigma attached to it. There needs to be a middle ground weryoun children, and yes, at thirteen they are still children, are encouraged to respect themselves, and where it is still considered a bit of a taboo to get pregnant as a teen, not to the extent that teens feel they have to give up their babies, but equally not to the extent that being a mum at fourteen isn?t considered that big a deal. Middle ground needs to be found IMO.

[OhGood]

13, and I was waaay too young, and it caused me problems with v bad guilt, self-esteem etc afterwards - not least because I was at a very religious, regressive, grim all-girls boarding school (fun fun fun). I thought that sex = love.

[MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill]

I was fifteen and he was seventeen. I was more than ready, it was very enjoyable and I've never regretted it.

[MadBusLady]

I was taught about "stable, loving relationships" too but looking back I'm not sure it was the right approach. Not when you consider the Relationships board! Some people - adults who haven't been virgins for years - have very, very screwed up ideas about what a stable, loving relationship feels like, and as a result are as vulnerable to pressure from selfish twats as any 13 year old.

If you can set boundaries, recognize bad behaviour and be clear that your wishes deserve respect, then you can probably have an enjoyable, respectful first experience with a decent person, whether that's at 14 or 20. If you don't understand how to do that stuff, no amount of "waiting" alone is going to teach you it.

[onefewernow]

Im in the same camp at Catelyn. I did at 14, but see now it was because I was emotionally neglected. Neither of my daughters did, one was nearly 18 (the elder one) and the other 16.

My elder daughter felt under pressure from peers, not boys, but resisted.

She used to say to me things like "just because i haven't it doesn't mean that I am etc etc" (insert any negative association). And her friends were mainly bright and competitive, and at a good school.

There is enormous pressure on both sexes to do the deed. I dont agree with Cogito that a 14 and 15 year old having sex is about pressure and coercion, necessarily, as the pressure is not always external or actual. It is a felt pressure as a result of us living in a highly sexualised society, and teenagers want to 'grow up', as they see it.

[VeremyJyle]

I commented on the other thread that I now find it creepy as most of my 'early' conquests were older, incidentally yesterday I was saying it was a miracle I was never raped or become pregnant as at that age I was so careless, irresponsible and left myself in so many dodgy situations. I had been kicked out at 14 and every adult I was known to moved the blame and responsibility around. Was I manipulative? Yes. Did I think I was grown up and clever? Yes. Did I draw attention to myself? No. Did I slip under their radar? Yes. Should it have happened? No.
I will never let my DDs have the same level of freedom that I had, it didn't kill me but it could have. It is only as an adult I realise how much I was taken advantage of, I thought I was in control and promiscuity gave me the thrill of being adult, wanted and feeling like I was using someone else.
I think girls should value themselves far more, I had a best friend who I partly pitied as I thought her immature not losing her virginity but equally I envied as at least the boys wanted to talk to her, not just grope and then blank her afterwards

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I'm not sure the "virgin" word is that helpful - I hope my DCs will just look on themselves as young people who haven't had sex yet, but probably will one day when the time is right, rather than as virgins.
Though I suppose at least Richard Branson has made it a slightly cooler word than it used to be.
I always thought the "losing your virginity" phrase/ concept was a little naff too.

[higgle]

Just 15, long term boy friend, and we were very happy together. Very much the right thing at the right time.

[smokinaces]

I was a fortnight off 15. He was 17. I don't regret it. I ended up marrying him when I was 23. (Though other partners between, we were teens at the end.of the day)

[THERhubarb]

rosy