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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does domestic violence always have to be a deal breaker?

165 replies

brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 10:33

Of course my gut reaction is absolutely yes it does. But life is never black and white is it. I am genuinely not in a DV situation, but i have had some arguments with DP where i have pushed and pushed and pushed, and how he hasn't lamped me one i don't know. We have been extremely stressed and sort of pushed and shoved but nothing else - in my mind that is not DV. My DP and i have a good relationship (when we are not up to our eyeballs in business related stres). Why start the thread then - well i was just wondering, because sometimes when we row i think, dont fucking push him over the edge because knowing my DP if he ever hit me he would feel he had to leave. So it got me to wondering, obviously there is abusive domestiv violence which of course is an absolute deal breaker, but are there times when people can move on from it?

OP posts:
rosie1979 · 31/01/2011 10:35

No. Never, never never.

Serendippy · 31/01/2011 10:36

It sounds like you are pushing him to see if it does happen and would expect it. Pushing and shoving is not ideal in a relationship but if that's what the two of you want, fine. I don't think this is a sensible place for this.

porcine · 31/01/2011 10:37

One strike, he's out.

mutznutz · 31/01/2011 10:38

You need to learn to deal with your stress/anger and stop pushing each other.

Neither of you have the right to be physical to one another and it's a very slipperly slope.

wigglesrock · 31/01/2011 10:39

Yes, its a deal breaker, I've been married for 12 years, with husband for almost 20 and we've never pushed, shoved each other. We have been through some really shitty times but never has it crossed my mind that a row would ever turn physical.

Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 10:39

Serendippy, i don't i promise - its more just thinking out loud, if i am honest DP and i have moved on past that time in our relationship and things are good. And that is why i was questioning it, no, pushing and shoving is less than ideal and it was horrible at the time. Just really wanted peoples views, because i have been of the one strike and out point of view, and proababy still am actually, but having been through a horrible stressful time and seeing how it affected our relationshoip, i just wondered what oether people think. My DP isnt a bastard, neigther am i, we were just very stressed out people

OP posts:
redandyellowandpinkandgreen · 31/01/2011 10:40

Perhaps the only time it wouldn't be a deal breaker would be, for example, if DH had a drinking problem and it had happened while he was drunk but then he had got help and stopped drinking.

Apart from that, it would be instant divorce.

BuzzLightBeer · 31/01/2011 10:41

Its not really that simple.

Vallhala · 31/01/2011 10:41

Yes, always imho. If you'd told me a year before it happened that I would become a victim of DV I'd have laughed in your face. When I was, I put up with it for three years before something snapped inside me and I dealt with it and ensured my then DH would never come near me again (no, I didn't have him bumped off!).

It took a considerable number of years after that to get "me" back and I know that as a result of my experiences I am now the woman I was before insofar as it would be an absolute dealbreaker although it probably would never even get as far as DV, any sign of aggression and the man would be out of my life long before he could raise a hand to me. I would encourage every other woman to make DV a dealbreaker too. DV takes far more out of a person than just blood.

Onetoomanycornettos · 31/01/2011 10:42

Yes, deal-breaker. I agree with the others, I think I would stop the pushing and shoving right now, really it's not ok and you will end up in a physically violent relationship (if you are not in one already).

I would see those as warning signs. If you can talk honestly about it and learn to control your anger (both of you), then it might be that that red flag is enough to stop things going further, however if you find yourself pushing and shoving regularly (which I actually count as violence anyway) then this is really not a good situation.

Serendippy · 31/01/2011 10:42

If you would be happy to stay if he hit you once, it is not a dealbreaker. If he would be happy to stay if you hit him, it is not a dealbreaker. If the two of you would be able to excuse DV on the grounds you were stressed, that is your choice. For most, DV is a dealbreaker.

adelaidegirl · 31/01/2011 10:43

I think there is a huge difference between someone (male or female) losing their temper once during a major arguement and lashing out and repeated violence or more importantly the erosion of confidence and self worth that goes with true domestic violence.

If I was having a huge arguement with a partner and they were really angry and hit me I would accept an apology and get past it (once) but if he made me feel like I DESERVED it then he would be out the door!

HettyAmaretti · 31/01/2011 10:44

This isn't a simple black and white issue, much as I'd like to contribute I really can't do that here.

If you want a reasonable discussion on this you need to get the thread moved, IMHO.

AIBU is not the place.

FabbyChic · 31/01/2011 10:46

I tried to move on from it, he would give me the odd black eye. Never be sorry. We would just not talk about it, until one day there was no row beforehand he had had a drink he beat me up outside where we lived and made my face look like a car crash, I had to tell my kids I had been mugged. I forgave him that and married him, the marriage lasted a month.

It was either that or lose my son who had had enough.

I didn't even love the guy it was lust and lonliness.

It isn't easy to leave or to make them go because you are so scared of what will happen. Some live like it for years and years, for me it was six months that was enough.

ValiumSandwichTime · 31/01/2011 10:46

It is a deal breaker yes. But I recognise your mindset.

Before I was ready to leave I had these conversations with myself. I told myself that life wasn't black and white. I knew it would be hard to start again. I wondered if I wouldn't be replacing one set of problems which were at least behind closed doors for another set of problems which would be on display for the whole world to see? I wondered if it was reasonable to expect to be happy. I made spread sheets. I analysed. I thought about how happy I had a reasonable right to expect to be? I wondered if happiness was a self-indulgent luxury.

And then one day, I stopped analysing and finally left. I never regretted it for a moment

LittleMissHissyFit · 31/01/2011 10:47

The way you are behaving is not right. You are goading him.

WHY is that? Why do you feel you have to be physical? Why are you doing this half expecting him to retaliate?

We are ALL bloody stressed, even with silly little problems, or huge great big ones, somehow life is stressful. Look at some of the treads on MN, some people are stressed over the choice of buggy, baby name etc, others are worried about addiction, infidelity and DV. It's all relative

I've lived with a shite of a man who was utterly vile to me and his excuse was that he was stressed and therefore it was OK for him to take it all out on everyone around him.

You are stressed? DEAL WITH IT
He is stressed? Same goes for him.

IF you are DPs, then you are supposed to be a team, supporting each other, not turning on the other one.

Otherwise you'd BOTH be better off apart.

Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 10:47

adelaide, that about sums my feelings up on it. I haven't articulated myself very well. I think it just soo depends on the circumstances.

I agree with those of you who say the pushing and shoving is a bad thing and we know that and we are working on us both not getting so stressed about things - it is me who is the "angry" one, not dp.

Didn't really want this to be about me though - i just wanted peoples opinions. I know someone who's partner is a drunk and has hit her in the past, i don thnk that is acceptable, that is very different. I think

OP posts:
ValiumSandwichTime · 31/01/2011 10:48

yeah I know this is AIBU, but go easy on the OP fgs

Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 10:49

Hetty, how can i get the thread moved? dont want a bun fight, was just something i was thinking about last night

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 10:52

ffs.. I just wrote a long post and got the "offline" as I sent it.

Will try again.

I was in a violent relationship previous to my marriage, and I think in most cases it is a dealbreaker. The minute he hit me, I knew it was over. Walking out there and then was not an option, and rarely is for anyone.

I have been with my husband for ten years, and in that time we have had some humdinging rows, he has smashed a coffee table after I stormed out of the room, and I have thrown things at the wall after he has stomped out. We have never raised our hands to each other physically though. I trust him 100% that he never would. It took a long time for me to reach that point of being able to be confident enough to air my views if I was in a mood or he had done something to piss me off. Anyone who has been in a violent relationship will understand what that means too.

This is why I despair when people rush into committing themselves to someone they barely know, getting married, or even worse, having kids, because you then have a link to that person for the rest of your life. DV rarely occurs in the first couple of years of a relationship when it is all nice and rosy...so get to really know a person before you do something that makes it a lot harder to get away from them.

I think the only exceptions where it can be forgiven is if it is a one off, in the heat of the moment, where an apology is instantaneous, and there has been provocation on both sides. Even then I would be very wary of continuing that relationship.

HettyAmaretti · 31/01/2011 10:52

Report your OP and ask for it to be moved to Relationships, it shouldn't be a problem.

Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 10:53

Littlemisshissyfit, you have just made me cry!! Because you are so right, we should be working as a team. My DP is the calm one, but i manage to blow the slightest thing up into a catastrophe. And i am like a dog with a bone, i will not let go - but i recognise this and it stops now. Like you say, we all have shit to deal with, just deal with it. Thankyou for your honesty, i needed to read that.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 10:58

I have asked for the thread to be moved, thanks hetty

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 31/01/2011 10:59

Erm, OP did you grow up with DV?

linziluv · 31/01/2011 11:02

After my son was born I suffered bad PND...my partner and I were not getting on and all the signs of domestic violence were there...he was stressed with being mum and dad, as well as try to deal with what was going on with me...worry...it was a truly awful time. He was violent to me several times but always after I'd pushed and pushed (no excuse I know)...we split up, he went to anger management, I moved in with dad while I sorted myself out and 6 months later we decided to try again but from the beginning, ie dating first...and 18 months later we get on great and it is NOT the same relationship, partly because I'm stronger and partly because DP can control his anger much better. We don't live together yet and share responsibility for DS.
So I agree, it's not always black and white and it's possible to get through it if the people involved are willing to work at it and deal with their issues separately

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