Does domestic violence always have to be a deal breaker?

[brightlightsandpromise]

Of course my gut reaction is absolutely yes it does. But life is never black and white is it. I am genuinely not in a DV situation, but i have had some arguments with DP where i have pushed and pushed and pushed, and how he hasn't lamped me one i don't know. We have been extremely stressed and sort of pushed and shoved but nothing else - in my mind that is not DV. My DP and i have a good relationship (when we are not up to our eyeballs in business related stres). Why start the thread then - well i was just wondering, because sometimes when we row i think, dont fucking push him over the edge because knowing my DP if he ever hit me he would feel he had to leave. So it got me to wondering, obviously there is abusive domestiv violence which of course is an absolute deal breaker, but are there times when people can move on from it?

OP you can post wherever you want. There is more traffic here, so if it's more opinions you're after, you've picked the best place imo.

not at all posie, no

i think i have screwed up by starting this thread really because i don't want to upset anyone i really don't. Our relationship is volotile at the moment and i do wonder if it will ever be the same. He has never hit me but i have seen him on the edge and i hate that it has been my doing. I am very insecure and need resolution of arguments there and then and can't walk away so i will push and push. I have had counselling for this too and i just have to remember that its not fair to push someone who is stressed to extremes just because I can't deal wiht my own anxieties. This is not me saying that if he ever did hit me i would deserve it because i would hope he would manage to walk away before it got to that stage.

Silly of me to start thread, i apologise to anyone i have upset or offended

why on earth can people not have a reasonable discussion about this just because it's in ibu? is there something that kicks in when you enter the topic that makes it impossible to be reasonable? fgs if people want to have a discussion about it have a discussion, saying that you can't because it's in ibu is a cop-out.

Op - I think that it's really not black and white tbh. I also think that there's a vast difference between someone having an argument, losing their temper for whatever reason and lashing out/throwing something, and someone who systematically and repeatedly abuses their partner to the point that the partner has no self worth left.

I also think that people have a different view if the perpitrator is a man as opposed to a woman.

I've seen threads on mn where for whatever reason a man has lashed out at his partner as a one-off, and often when the op has gone into details it appears that the op had partly caused the man to lose his temper. But the response is always "he will do it again, you need to get out now, he is obviously a violent thug and if you don't get out now you will become one of the two women a week who is killed by their partner" etc.

Yet I have seen similar threads where a woman has lashed out, and while the response is along the lines of "you know that what you did is wrong," there is also always an element of "It wa a once off, you need to get some help with your anger, but you were obviously provoked/the man sounds like an idiot anyway/you can get through this together" etc.

I think any violence is wrong. But I think it's naive to think that no-one can ever be pushed to a point where they lash out. Look at how many people smack their children out of frustration and we all excuse that on the basis that these things happen. So why is this different for adults?

I do think that it does of course depend on the act - if it was a punch or a kick or a sustained beating (even as a once-off) then of course it would be a dealbreaker. If arguments regularly became violent even on a superficial level ie throwing/smashing things then I think that would be a deal-breaker. But a once-off loss of temper I think would need to be seen in context to the circumstances.

I think a child growing up who witnesses DV is always affected one way or another.

My stepson witnessed his mother in more than one violent relationship, with her as the agressor, and the recipient of it.

He is now an adult with a lot of issues and has a very strained relationship himself that has involved violence.

mutz that is exactly why i posted in AIBU but i do wonder if it would be more skewed towards the deal breaker side and was wondering if people ever had moved past it. Thats what would scare me most of all if DP ever hit me, that we couldnt get past it, does that make any sense? The answer of course is not to go there, to learn to let things settle and discuss rationally.

The only person I know who was prepared to consider it might have been a one off - turned up again with her kid and as much as they could carry to get away.

What you are talking about is probably not DV and I don't think you should assume that there is a point at which hitting is automatic, because I don't think that is true. But whatever you are doing is definately not healthy either!

I grew up minus violence but with the constant threat, breaking stuff, I was a complete nervous wreak for ages because I kept expecting everything to blow up and it never did.

wannabe, yes i totally agree with you - life is stressful sometimes. I have put my partner through hell, i had PND and was vicious towards him. I often worry that that has changed the balance as we never argued at all before that. Saying that, we didnt have a business to run and a mountain of debt to deal with, but it makes me sad. Especially when i can see a good man, who is tired and worked beyond his capacity - sometimes i wonder why he stays. But stay he does and i consider myself very lucky (not becuase he condescends to stay but because i have him).

I would suggest a little relate exercise, when you feel frustrated, begin to want to lash out..give yourself timeout for 30 minutes.

Life isn't black and white but for me any violence would be a deal breaker.

I spent my teenage years living under the black cloud of domestic violence. It has left me with some deep seated issues and I know it affected me and my brothers profoundly.

For me, any man (or woman) that uses violence, as a means of managing stress or just generally in life, isn't to be trusted and I don't want to be live with someone I can't trust. It's like walking on eggshells and I don't want to do that - it's mentally exhausting.

And I don't want my daughters growing up in a family that is constantly in fear waiting for the next raised fist, raised voice or raised object about to be thrown.

I completely agree with bubble that a child should never have to witness domestic violence. My parents are violent to each other, not hugely but they are, and they are also 'happily married'. That's their decision. But imo, it is not fair to let a child grow up in that context, because a child forms his or her sense of what normal relationships are from seeing his or her parents.

If you don't have kids, I suppose it's your decision. If you do, you're not just making the decision for yourself.

but posie, my head would explode - seriously, that is exactly my problem, my DP will have an argument but if i dont get what i want out of it, i will go on and on and on, when actually all my poor DP wants to do is sleep. But yes, that is sound advice.

So, saying it is me with the anger issues (because it is) and people saying abuot children witnessing arguments cuts deep because i do argue with DP in front of DD sometimes and hate myself for it. How can i stop it? How?? I can't ask for DP, he doesn't have anger issues unless i keep pecking away but i know this is not good and i want to stop

we have been together for 20 years this year, he is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. I need to control my anger (which doesnt always manifest in a flare up, as i say i wil push and push) Ive had counselling, didnt work, had medication, didnt work

Brightlights, you have to learn to accept that you cant always get your own way in an argument and that sometimes backing down is the better option than to push and push and push. Because you may win that individual battle, but it just builds up resentment from your DP then.

Compromise really is the only way in a relationship and any counsellor should tell you that.

My husband can drive me mental at times, but he rarely argues with me, it is very frustrating, and I have to fight the urge to follow him up the stairs to continue an argument when he just wants to get away from the sound of my voice.. lol..

I have learnt not to bother anymore and will tell the dog what a twat my husband is.. the dog understands me

i have a dog bubble!! you talk much sense :)

What triggers the anger though Brightlights?

With me it can be PMT, that makes me irrationally iritated at something he has done which winds me up. I can hear myself nagging and inside there is a voice telling me to zip it, but still my gob carries on.

I hasten to add that these are not regular occurences, we rarely do argue, we just tend to bicker and it never ends up in a situation where we dont speak for days on end.

I have a fantastic relationship with his mum though, and when he has really annoyed me, I offload to her, and she listens, and she makes me a brew, and she sympathises. She doesnt ring him and tell him he is being a shit, or even tell me I am right... but being able to moan at someone relieves some of the pressure.

The 30 minute rule really works, it takes 30 minutes physiologically for the body to calm down.

Don't forget the impact of tiredness, low iron, and other physiological factors that can have a HUGE impact on your temperament.

I am falling out of love, have fallen out of love, with my DH. We've had no money for two years, every idea I have to get us out of this is met with obstacles created by him.

It would be a deal breaker for me. Thankfully it's never happened but if my gf ever hit me she'd be gone in an instant.

Dittany, its not about me taking the blame, its about me recognising my role in it, after all i can only change me. DP is not without blame,not by a long way. but in the argument scenario it is pretty much me who will just keep on and on, my DP will argue with me, but he recognises when there is nothing more to be said and i dont.

My triggers are that i am a control freak, and i try and control my DPs business because its mine too, sort of. I see this and im trying to get a job to focus on other things. I do have something in the pipeline.

Dittany, I am just speaking from my side of it. We both comprise always. He doesnt do shouting.. he does moaning.. neither of us are perfect! We both have our ways of getting on the others nerves.

We have a fantastic marriage and a healthy one, in which we both know and accept each others faults, and deal with them in a non-confrontational way.

We never swear AT each other, in a "you are a C..t" way... there may be the occasional F word said, or tell each other to piss off, but it never goes beyond that as we have respect for each other.

We also dont have rows in front of others, or drag other people into them, and we dont bitch about each other on facebook (a trait that I see many of my friends do about their partners which I find very poor behaviour).